razor blade dreams 

soft trickle blood
place of hand on wrist
bleeding tremor
all is lost
nothing found
unscripted heartache
uncharted heartbreak
unpraised lyric unworthy of praise
softening tortured heart
no longer feeling
all red lines
dancing on white skin
throb of pulse
jetting liquid

in silence
cold shower trickling
no one listened
no one cared
a voice silenced
bleeding
pleading
aching for help
where there was none to be had
harsh whispers
broken life
tears fall down
the ground claims another soul
god calls a being home
when fear takes over
and the pain won't ebb
and the only friend left
is a double-edged blade
crying to the razor
then crying tears of blood

they cry 
'this isn't a solution!'
but it's the only one she sees
her only friend, her reflection
says she's too worthless to live
mania
depression
neither can dominate
can't win
and tunnel vision sets in 
as all her friends are dying
in the flickering candlelight

left alone
with thoughts
and a razor
shaving off the skin
shaving off the pain
as if torture can free her
as if her death will matter
perhaps they will care
perhaps they will not 
perhaps they cannot

she drops the razor
she can't hurt the few she loves
the few who love her back
she can't let them down
(put the razor down
put the razor down)
it slips
she binds her wounds
(no one can ever know
no one will ever know)
with an unsteady hand
hidden in long sleeves
she embraces her mother
(I should've gone first)
and the ones she can reach
(it should've been me
she wanted to live)
her tears are not of water
but of the mind
(they can't see my pain-
they have enough of their own)

and she stands
heart beating softly
(I must be strong
I must be strong
I must be strong
I must be strong)
holding the others
and dreaming of razors

�RLO 1999


BLOODSHOT HEART

eyes glazed green
standout bloodshot
like a cat crazed
finding food poisoned
white pellets in ground beef
bone on blood
like a fool
trusting the hand of a stranger
Forgetting to remember
dead ones before her
bloated and wasted 
glazed dead creature
like the child who never tells
her eyes are dead inside
she just lacks the good grace to fall down
voice or voices cry in her mind
"you lying cunt!"
It�s been so long
which pain is dream
which is reality?
as she shakingly tells her mother the truth
...but not the whole of it

"Just once" 
she claims
(enough to scar a lifetime)
poor innocent child
she hears them mocking
at four
the little whore should've known better
little miss tease
remembers in a bolt of light
a kid crying for its mother
(bleat, my little goat, bleat)
knowing mama would never hear
(bedsprings bouncing)
her grief-stricken cries

Mentally ill
(shakes like a leaf)
cold sweat
(and hot tears)
on naked breasts
a single paper cut burns
(you worthless slut)
her right areola
(still the voices echo)

Death beckons with a velvet touch
but she cries so hard
(boxes of Kleenex calling out
"crybaby, crybaby-you fool!")
that she knows she can never betray
the mother she is so much like
(more than she can ever know)

But still
Guilt weighs down
Like an anvil on her soul
she can hear her mother weeping silently
knowing that her baby shared her pain
("in more ways than one" the voice mocks)
more than she ever knew
(bleeding tears of the soul-
"where did the bad man touch you?"
"he's my grandpa, dammit!")

She should never have told
Mom urges her to tell Dad
("he'll believe you"
"no, no-it would tarnish the memories;
best to leave well enough alone")

We pay a heavy price for truth
(My soul feels weighted
by chains of steel)
Odd how I look for a life without pain
When I know I'd be lost without it

�RLO 1999


LET THE GAMES BEGIN

Do you really think
That I would show my reality
For the entire world to see?
(I wear two hats 
One for each face)

Only one person knows me better
Than I know myself
My mentor and guide 
The person who taught me what I do
What I�ve done so very well

You were the one
Who broke her word
What was spoken
Was only a hint of the truth
And was for your own good

In spite of your lying ways
I didn�t want to watch you suffer
Perhaps I should have just closed the window
(After all,
I hate a really bad control drama)

You are a manipulator of the highest rate
I regret the day I met you
And I promise you quite clearly
After this day 
I�ll forget you

I know what you�re trying to do
And it�s not going to be working
You see, I keep in constant contact with the One
We know what you�re trying to do
Distorting the truth into lies

He may not love you
And I don�t know if he loves me
But I was never a psycho bitch
Trying to destroy the innocents 
Along with the guilty

So, come
If you really feel you�re ready
To face those you have attacked
Unleash your best lies
We�ll see who gets cut down to size

Come play with the grownups
It�s a big tough world out here
Show me your soul
Show me your scars
I�ll just bet the ones you have
Are just your imagination

Sick bitch
I hold the knife
Let�s see who gets cut first

�RLO 4/12/99


TELL ME ANOTHER ONE

So you had a bad childhood too?
Tell me another one
I have lived through a hell
That would make your skin crawl

My mother was a victim
Of rape and other crimes
My father was a victim
Of a sickness of the mind

I lived from day to day
In conditions that would make you shudder
Upper-class ladies like yourself
Never had to suffer

I starved
I froze
I worked
I nearly died
Too many times to count
But you didn�t know that, did you?

You like to whine
About how life did you wrong 
Well, sweetheart, I sang that tune
I wrote the lyrics to that song

But look at me now

I don�t dwell on the past
Because it�s useless
And times like these don�t last
And I have to go ahead and push through

�RLO 4/12/99


WHY DID I CARE?

Why did I care if you got hurt?
You obviously never gave a damn
About how I felt
I was just a convenient shoulder
To cry on
A listening ear
For your �poor pitiful me� dramas

They�re right, you know
You are a psychotic bitch
You freak me out
But you don�t frighten me
I�ve seen your kind
You�re a crawler
You tell lies to get your friends
Then you try and destroy them
Just for your own sick fantasies

Well, that isn�t going to happen anymore
I am sick of sitting around
And watching you destroy all that is good
All that is lovely
So now,

I am going to destroy you

�RLO 4/12/99


THE SCORPION WITHIN ME RISES

I�m tired
I�m angry
The scorpion within me rises

You�ve threatened me
That�s the last straw
The scorpion within me rises

Watch your step girl 
It could be your last
The scorpion within me rises

If they don�t stop me
Your doom is certain
The scorpion within me rises

This is the last time 
You hurt someone I love
The scorpion within me rises

You hurt me
And I love myself
The scorpion within me rises

You broke your word
I�ll hold it against you
The scorpion within me rises

The scorpion has risen
But I will not destroy you

Yet

I just want you
To take a very long trip
Pack your bags
Say goodbye
Before my stinger finds its mark

Run

And don�t think for a moment
That I don�t know 
Precisely what you�re doing
Thinking 
Being

You are like I once was 
But no longer am
You have risen
The ancient defense
That will destroy you
If you don�t go now

The scorpion within me rises
And you had better jump back
Before it destroys you and me

�RLO 4/12/99


IF I SHOULD DIE TONIGHT

If I should die tonight
Please don't cry
It wasn't your fault, my sweet
You told me not to fall
That you would only cause me pain
But I did
And I am only to blame

It wasn't you, Daddy
I forgave and forgot 
So many years ago 
Because I love you so

It was never you, Momma
An eternal victim of circumstance
Bearing the pain of a thousand souls
Though you never really knew me
Because I never let you in

My sisters, do not mourn
You never saw this coming
Always thinking I was as strong as you
But you didn't see
I never was

My brother, do not weep
You understood me best
But how could you know 
That the pain in my heart
Would consume me at last?

Friends, don't be angry
All I ever wanted to do
Was to love you
To be the best friend I could ever be
To make you all happy
But I kept on hurting you all
I cannot say "I'm sorry" enough
To make up for all the shit I've put you through
I could never reach out
Call for you when I needed you the most

The only solution I can find
Is to slip this mortal coil
To be damned to the flames of hell
To atone for the sins I have committed
For the sins against all those that I love

If I should die tonight
Please don't cry
For I am no one 
And you were better off not knowing me...

(c)RLO 2/18/99


EXECUTION

I have done wrong
I stand before the judge
The plantiff, my conscience
The defendant et. al., myself

The jury cries "GUILTY!"
The judge within my glowers
The sentence is passed:
"Death by execution"

I swallow the pills
Twenty ought to be enough
Painkillers to stop my wicked heart
And end the pain I cause and suffer forever

I went to sleep
And found myself in an inky pool
Surrounded by a darkness
A darkness that could be felt

The darkness held me in its grip
All through the night
I could taste it, touch it, smell it;
I could even hear its whispers

The darkness tried to choke me
It wanted my life to end too
But it could not accomplish this task
And I felt its impotent fury

I felt the anger within the darkness
But I did not want to share it!
I lay there, sleepless
Not knowing if my life was over.

I floated in the inky darkness
Until the break of day
I opened my tear-filled eyes
And knew that I still lived...

(c)RLO 1997


IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED

Is this what you wanted?
My blood spattering these four walls?
You took my heart, 
Took my life
Toyed with them 
Destroyed them
Tell me,
Is this what you want?
Is this what you want?!?
IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?!?!?

(c)RLO 1998


IVORY TOWER

this is original
you sit in your ivory tower
trying to tell me what to do
I just wanna live my life
all I want is a friend who will listen
without judging 
without giving advice without being asked for it
is it too much?
I'll never know
go back to your life 
while I live mine...

(c)RLO 1998




A BRIEF BIOGRAPHY

I was born poor
(Can�t help what you can�t have)
Though my parents called me a beauty
(Parents are paid to do that)
And my teachers called me smart
(What have I really learned?)
I lose every dream over time
(Pain rips at my heart)
I let you use me
(You tore me apart)

And now I stand,
Battered and broken
Damaged and defeated
BUT YET I STAND...

(c)RLO 1998


THAT'S ALL RIGHT

I couldn't pay you to care
That's all right
You go on with your life
Self-righteous philosophy whore that you are 
Prostituting yourself to the next hot little number
That looks your way
That's all right
I can't be your cheap trick
Jumping through hoops just to please you
Though I would do anything for you
But I can�t
Because I have a life
And I have dreams
And if YOU can't accept that
It's your loss
And my gain
for finding out 
Before it was too late
Before I told you
That I loved you...

(c)RLO 1998



STARTING TO FEEL REGRET

I see you
All alone
And I begin to regret
What I said the night before
Your eyes
So youthful and innocent
Could you really be guilty 
Of what I had accused you?
But then I see her
The fawning little bimbette
Skinny and perfect
In every way you define perfect
I want to scream
To hit you
To call you all the vilest names
Yet I cannot
So I turn
And walk away...

(c)RLO 1998


VIEW TO A KILL

Raven�s blood
Drips from the sidewalk
Staining the virgin snow
A putrid shade of pink

I look at you
As you tear at your victim
Jaws dripping with gore
As you savor the taste

Why did you do it?
She did nothing wrong
Never a bother to her neighbors
Her children grew up strong

You look at me with placid green eyes
Knowing I would never understand
Why the flesh of birds is as good for cats
As anything that comes out of a can

(c)RLO 1/18/99


UNFINISHED

I stand alone in the courtroom
I am judge, jury, plaintiff
...and executioner...
I hear the verdict, 
�Guilty�
Loud and clear
I head for the cabinet
Twenty ought to be enough
To end this
To end my pain
To end the burden I have placed on my family
I should never have been born
I swallow the tablets
Poison, do thy work
I never want to see the sun rise again
I close my eyes
And I fall into sleep
Swimming in a puddle of blackness
Knowing that this
Would be the sleep eternal
Knowing that I would at last
Pay for my crimes
I feel the demons around me
Gloating in their triumph
As I lay dying

(c)RLO 1997