Title: “The Handling Hiccups Handbook”
Author: LadyBrym
Disclaimer: I don’t own a darn thing other than my imagination. Don’t sue, please.
Rating: PG-13, I guess. Sorry, Car, I don’t think I smutted it up enough. Heh.
Summary: A certain Wiccan gets the hiccups. A cure must be found. Answer to Carleen’s Fic Challenge #1
Note: Thanks Watson for the ideas toward the end!
Fic Requirements:
1. The
fic must be completed in one posting -- it can be as long as you wish/need it to
be, but you must have it done with one posting.
2. The fic must make use of the following elements:
A. Tumbleweed (sagebrush)
B. Cordless power tools (real tools, any tools you wish)
C. Asparagus (I don't know why)
D. A blowup baby pool full of jello (flavor of your choice)
3. The fic must contain SMUT. I will leave the definition of smut up to you. I'm
thinking PG and PG-13 ratings won't count though.
4. The required elements mentioned in #2 need NOT be included in the smut --
because in some cases, that just may be too weird. However, if you really feel
the need to include those elements in your smutty play, by all means, have fun.
5. The power tools must be used by either Willow or Tara. There will be no using
Xander to fix a broken window JUST to include the power tool requirement.
“The Handling Hiccups Handbook”
As the sun’s last lingering rays sank behind the homestead of one Willow and Tara, the two lovebirds are found engaged in one of the world’s oldest professions…home improvement. Our petite redheaded heroine, perspiring brow furrowed, placed her left hand, thumb and forefinger grasping a Philips-head screw, against the wall. Ever so carefully, Willow’s right hand aligned her trusty cordless DeWalt screwdriver to the grooves, pressed the on button and…
“<Hic!>”
…promptly drilled a hole into their bedroom wall.
“Dammit!” The redhead cursed a bit of a blue streak, calmed down and tried again. “Ok. Ready, aim…<Hic>!” Just as suddenly as the first, a matching hole appeared, this time on the opposite side of the intended target point. “Sonofa…grrrr!.” One, two, three more times our fearless flame-haired vixen tried in vain to drill the screw into the wall, all resulting in hiccup-induced holes. Defeated, Willow threw the screwdriver on the floor in disgust.
“Taaaar…<Hic>…aaaaa…<Hic>…aa!” Taking a deep breath, she called out again. “Tar…<Hic>…aaaa…<Hic>…aaa!”
Seconds after that pitiful yell a blonde whirlwind raced up the stairs into the bedroom. “Willow? What’s the matter?” She took a look at the wall and ran her fingers over the offending holes. “And, uh, what happened to the wall?”
Willow tried to answer her girlfriend, but the interruptions would not stop. “Tar…<Hic>…a. I…have…<Hic>…the…<Hic>…<Hic>……<Hic>…hiccups. I…<Hic>…can’t…hang the pi<Hic>ture.” She pointed at the wall. “See? <Hic>.”
Tara immediately scooped the rattled redhead in her arms. “Oh, baby. I’m sorry.” She giggled as she felt her girlfriend continue to hiccup despite her face being nestled in the crook of Tara’s neck.
Willow looked up at her partner, pouting. “It’s not funny…<Hic>.” Willow sighed. “I…<Hic>…wanted to <Hic> <Hic> hang the pi<Hic>ture before <Hic> the gang got <Hic> here.”
Tara stepped back from the embrace and gently clasped Willow’s hand. “I know, baby. Come on, let’s go downstairs.” She led the redhead to the staircase. “We’ll see if we can find a cure for those pesky hiccups.”
A few minutes later, the pair sat at the kitchen table pouring over Aunt Carleen’s Home Remedy and Aphrodisiac Cookbook. It was easy enough to find the section on curing hiccups. The hard part, however, was finding the quickest and easiest one that actually worked. “Sweetie,” Tara spoke. “Let’s come back to the first page later. I really don’t want to boil some Tumbleweed Tea unless absolutely necessary.” There was just something odd about that recipe, the blonde thought. “I think this Aunt Carleen may be a few seeds short of a mustard poultice, if you ask me.” Not bothering to talk, Willow simply nodded her head in agreement.
Tara looked down the second page and saw an interesting entry. “Ooh, it says here that sucking the juice from a stalk of steamed asparagus and then jumping up and down five times can help stop the diaphragm spasms.” She glanced up and saw her lover’s frown. “I know, Will, sweetie. You hate asparagus. You think it’s gross, it makes your urine smell and you hate the rubbery texture. But, baby…if it stops your hiccups it can’t be all that bad, right?” The redhead pouted some more, but capitulated. “Ok, asparagus stalks coming right up!” Tara’s next few minutes were spent steaming the oh-so-conveniently on-hand asparagus stalks, while Willow’s were spent unsuccessfully trying to cure the hiccups without having to resort to vegetable suckage.
A minute or so later, Tara presented a defeated Willow with a small plate of the limp stalks. Willow immediately frowned and lowered her head. The blonde gently lifted the redhead’s head by the chin. “Come on, baby. It’ll be all over in a couple of minutes.” Willow pouted some more. A little more stern, but still playful, Tara prodded her partner to act. “Suck it up, Will. The quicker you start, the quicker it’ll be over.” With a reluctant hand, Willow picked up a stalk of asparagus and wrapped her lips around it. Already grimacing, she quickly sucked the juice from offending vegetable. She popped the stalk from her mouth and repeated the process with the second one. Finally after a third piece, the tank top-clad Wiccan began the jumping part of the remedy. The sight of braless bouncing Willow momentarily distracted Tara from her otherwise flawless doting duties. Having stopped jumping, the redhead waited patiently for her girlfriend to pick up her dropped jaw and snap out of her mental mammary montage. “Ooh, sorry sweetie. Got lost there for a minute,” a blushing Tara offered as an apology. “So, uh, did it work?”
Willow took a deep breath and spoke. “I think so.” She grinned. “Oh, thank the Goddess! I’m over my <Hic>…ups.” The grin evaporated as quickly as it emerged. “Damn.” Wordlessly, she walked over to the kitchen counter, grabbed the book and handed it back to Tara.
With a sympathetic look to her suffering soul mate, the blonde turned to the next hiccup-halting suggestion in Aunt Carleen’s book. “Ok. Let’s see…hmmm. Oh my. This is interesting.” Tara turned to Willow and pointed at suggestion number three. As Willow read, her eyes got wide and her face flushed. Ms. Maclay smirked at her girlfriend. “What’s wrong Willow? You don’t like the suggestion?” Willow glared at Tara. “Will, there must be some benefit or else this Aunt Carleen wouldn’t have suggested it.”
“Tara. <Hic>. You can’t…<Hic>…be serious…<Hic>,” Willow remarked.
“I’m very serious. Come on, sweetie. It would be remiss of us to not try this suggestion.” Tara grabbed the redhead’s hand and guided her over to the kitchen cabinets. “Ok, darling. You grab a half dozen boxes of your favorite…green apple.” Again Willow glared at the blonde. “Ok, ok. My favorite.” A ‘harumph’ was heard as Tara bent down to reach the lower cabinets. “I will boil the hot water and get the outside supplies ready.” She looked at her lover and made a suggestion. “Will, baby, you uh, might want to change into a little less clothing. Wouldn’t want to ruin those, despite the paint splatters.” Tara let out a guffaw as Willow let loose one last laser-pointed glare and headed upstairs to change.
After what seemed like an eternity to Tara (it was really only five minutes or so), Willow finally emerged from the bedroom. The blonde witch did a double take as her partner breezed by, hiccups and all, in nothing but a skimpy black bikini. If Tara wasn’t careful, she mused, this ‘solution’ might end up igniting a spasm instead of extinguishing one. Pulling herself away from her errant thoughts, Tara set about preparing Aunt Carleen’s Gelled Swim Spasm Solution. First, she quickly inflated the, again, oh-so-conveniently on-hand kiddie pool. Then she poured the contents of the boxes of green apple flavored Jell-O inside. Immediately after, she emptied the large pot of boiling water into the pool and blended it with the Jell-O powder. Finally, she filled the remaining pool space with cold hose water and ice cubes to quicken the set time.
“Wil-low,” Tara spoke in a sing-song voice. “Let’s get you in the pool. The book says you should enter before it completely gels.” Willow walked to the edge of the kiddie pool and gulped.
“<Hic>…Tara. I dunno about this. <Hic>. It’s so…<Hic>…gelatinous.” She walked around the pool, eyeing its contents with suspicion. “And how…<Hic>…do I…<Hic>…get in?”
Tara walked up quietly behind her redheaded partner. “Well, it says Aunt Carleen is adamant that only one entry method be used. Immersion.”
“Immersion? <Hic>” Willow paused. “Wait…you don’t mean…”
“Yep…in you GO!” With those dire words, Tara thrust her arms forward and shoved her hiccupping soul mate into the green semi-gelled mess.
“Tar…<Hic>..aaaaa!” Willow landed face-first with a resounding squish and splat, immediately sinking into the Green Apple Jell-O. The redhead, after a few seconds, slowly turned herself around, sat up and faced the blonde. Wiping the Jell-O from her face, she heard the heretofore welcome sound of Tara giggling. This time, however, the sound felt like nails down a blackboard. The witch glared at her partner.
Still giggling, Tara moved closer to the edge of the pool, a mock sympathetic look on her face. “Oh baby. I’m sorry.” Willow repeated her glare. The blonde chuckled a little louder this time. “Aww, Will…don’t look at me like that.”
“I…<Hic>…can’t believe…<Hic>…you…<Hic>…pushed me.” Willow pouted as she continued to try to wipe the green substance off her eyes.
“I was only following Aunt Carleen’s advice. Besides, you’ll thank me if this gets rid of the hiccups.” Willow rolled her eyes at Tara, but said nothing. She pointed at the book that rested near the pool. Tara picked the book up and opened to the recipe. “Ok, Will. It says now that you are supposed to swim and flail around in the semi-gelled gelatin for five minutes. Aunt Carleen claims that the cooled gel sensation is supposed to calm any spasms plaguing one’s body.” Tara closed the book and threw it back down onto the grass. “I wonder if Aunt Carleen was a Jell-O wrestler in a former career. Who thinks this stuff up?” She shrugged her shoulders as she pointed at the pool. “Swim, Willow.”
The redhead, silently thanking the Goddess for the privacy fence they had erected earlier in the summer, started ‘swimming’ around the little kiddie pool. Now the term ‘swimming’ is used loosely considering the fact that the pool was probably only six feet in diameter, but she gave it the ol’ college try. In fact, much to the delight of her blonde love, Willow even attempted the backstroke. However, that delight was short-lived. As Willow finished a down-stroke a sizeable splash of green Jell-O sprayed the front of Tara.
At the sound of the blonde’s shriek, Willow stopped swimming and looked up with mock horror. “Tara! <Hic> Your <Hic> shirt.” The redhead smirked at Tara.
Realizing that Willow’s actions were on purpose, Tara fumed. “Oh you are SO gonna get it, Willow.” With that she quickly moved to the side of the pool, bent down and scooped up some of the quickly setting Jell-O. She proceeded to smear it onto the redhead’s stunned face with half of it ending up in Willow’s mouth. Laughing in triumph, Tara patted Willow’s head as she tried to both spit out and swallow the green gel. “You know, Will, you should really try keeping your mouth closed when you’re shocked. Might not end up with a bunch of Jell-O next time.” Before Tara had a chance to move her hand away from the other woman’s proximity, Willow grasped it. She looked down at the redhead.
“No…<Hic>…hard…<Hic>…feelings…<Hic>…Tara?” Willow craned her neck and placed a soft kiss on Tara’s lips.
“None, my love,” Tara whispered back.
“Then…<Hic>,” Willow took both her hands and grasped them around the blonde’s that had just been patting her head, “forgive me.” Tara didn’t even have time to yelp appropriately before she too experienced the ‘Immersion’ method of kiddie pool entry. Willow wasn’t left unscathed, however. Her hasty plan to introduce Tara to half-set Jell-O not only resulted in immersed Tara but also submerged Willow. The redhead had pulled the blonde so strongly that she landed on top of her, effectively giving Willow a green apple dunking. Realizing this, Tara quickly (well as quickly as one can when surrounded by slick gelatin) scrambled off her partner.
Willow emerged from the dunking spewing like a green ooze fountain. If one were to look at the Wiccan, it might be difficult to tell whether the downpour was oral, nasal or both. The two women eyed each other suspiciously for a second before launching themselves into a knock down, drag out wrestlefest. Slick limb intertwined with slick limb while heads dunked and bodies pressed together in a drippy, desperate dance of dominance declaration.
As anyone who has taken a shine to sticky substance skirmishes would know, it only takes a minute for tempestuous tangles to turn to fevered frenzies. Headlocks and hair pulls were quickly replaced by hand roving and well, ok, hair pulls. Thoughts of dunking and tumbling evaporated in the gaze of blue to green. Hiccups and hollers forgotten as mouths joined and bodies struggled for maximum contact. Clothing was shed and pretenses abandoned as their passion escalated. Knees pressed and hands searched fervently to fit grooves discovered ages ago. The setting may have been different, but the scene played the same as it had many times before, this declaration and fulfillment of want, need and love, the expression of which was audible only by the two in staccato moans, keen whimpers and fast breaths.
“Oh. My. God,” Tara exhaled, too tired to move. She looked up at the redhead she was curled into. “Will?” Willow stirred from her light sleep and looked at her partner. “You ok?” She nodded, kissed Tara’s forehead and smiled.
“I will never be able to look at green apple Jell-O the same way. Ever.” Tara giggled at Willow’s words and realized they weren’t punctuated by hiccups.
“Will! You didn’t hiccup!”
“Hey! I think you’re right. Let me check for sure.” She breathed deeply, ignoring the intense green apple scent assaulting her lungs. “Red rubber baby buggy bumpers.” She tried again. “She sells sea shells by the seashore.” Third times the charm. “Tomorrow tumbleweeds triumphantly tangle in tough terrain.”
The blonde quirked an eyebrow. “Tumbleweeds?”
“Nevermind,” the redhead smiled and shook her head. “Let’s get out of this mess and get cleaned up. I’m exhausted.”
“Me too.” Tara tried extricating herself from the Jell-O pool. She attempted to move her arm but all she managed to do was make a strange suction-y sound. “Will? Baby, move your arm.”
“Uh, I can’t, Tara. It’s stuck.” She also tried moving her leg but to no avail. “What the hell? Oh Goddess, Tara.” Realization dawned on Willow. “The Jell-O. It’s set. It set with US in it!” Panic gripped the Wiccan as she struggled to move in the gel. “How the hell can it be so firm when we only used six boxes!” She looked over at the blonde and noticed a guilty expression forming on her face. Willow’s eyes went wide. “Tara, what did you do? You did something, what did you do? How many boxes did you put in the pool?”
Tara sheepishly answered. “Um, well, while you were changing I looked at the pool and figured six boxes wouldn’t be enough. So I went back into the kitchen and grabbed the other six and set about getting the pool prepared.”
“Twelve?! You put TWELVE boxes of Jell-O in the pool? Tara! We’re STUCK!”
“I know! I’m sorry! I didn’t know!”
Just then, the backyard gate opened and in sauntered a questioning Buffy, Xander and Anya. “Didn’t know what, Tara?” Buffy asked as she walked up to the pool. Not being the quickest-minded of the Scooby Gang, it took her a few seconds to realize Willow and Tara weren’t just cooling off from the heat in the wading pool. “Oh. My. God. Is that Jell-O? Are you guys in Jell-O?” Xander, mind quickly in the gutter, raced over to where Buffy was standing.
“Did you have Jell-O wrestling and not invite me?” That earned an elbow to the ribs from his blonde best friend. “Ouch, Buff.”
Anya made her way to the scene and exclaimed. “Ha! Don’t you just love Jell-O with Wiccan cream?”
Buffy, Xander, Willow and Tara all shouted in unison “ANYA!”
“I meant, whipped cream. Sorry…whipped cream.” Xander glared at his again-fiancée. “What, Xander. It’s obvious what was going on in the pool, just I’m the only one that’ll say it.” Xander quirked an eyebrow. “Good grief, Xander. For someone with such a guttermind, you can be so dense. Ok, connect the dots. Tara and Willow were obviously having orgasms in the Jell-O pool. And another word for orgasm is cre----.” She was cut off by Xander’s hand over her mouth.
“ANYA! We get it! Stop!” The dark-haired man looked over at the Jell-O encased women. “I have to ask though. Why a Jell-O pool?”
Willow and Tara both turned deep red. The redhead countered, “Uh, how about getting the sticky Wiccans out of the pool first, then explanations.” Xander nodded and he, Anya and Buffy, slowly, carefully, and with an extremely loud suction noise, extricated the partners from the green apple Jell-O’s evil clutches.
Buffy ran into the house for towels and soon the pair were sticky, but dry. Xander, sensing the time was right, posed his question again. “So, Will, Tara…why the Jell-O pool?”
Tara, blushing furiously, tried to explain. “Well, ok, we were hanging pictures and stuff in the house and Willow got the hiccups. The normal stuff like scaring and holding your breath didn’t work. So I went to the bookshelf and got one of those home-cure books.”
Anya perked up and exclaimed. “HA! I knew this whole thing looked familiar.” She looked down and saw a book nestled in the grass. “Yep. Here it is. ‘Aunt Carleen’s Home Remedy and Aphrodisiac Cookbook’!”
“Yes, Anya. That’s the book.” She removed it from Anya’s hands. “We were pretty desperate. So, we started trying the ideas.”
“Did you try the asparagus?”
Willow looked wide-eyed at Anya. “You know about that one?”
“Know about it. I helped her write that one. Variations of that remedy have been passed on for longer than my demon years.”
“Wait. You helped her? You know ‘Aunt Carleen’?”
“Yep. We go way back.”
“She’s a little well, quirky.” Tara shyly surmised.
“I was gonna go for insane.” Willow retorted.
“I think I’ll go with Willow on that one.” Anya concluded. She shook her head and followed as everyone moved into the house. “She has this unnatural fascination with tumbleweeds. I told her to get help, but she just won’t listen.”
“Yeah, we noticed the number one hiccup cure she listed was something called ‘Tumbleweed Tea.’”
“Ooh! Actually, that one’s great. But not so much for the hiccup curing, but the after effects.” Anya grinned.
“After effects?”
Anya grinned even wider. “There’s a reason it’s called ‘Home Remedy AND Aphrodisiac Cookbook’.”
Tara and Willow looked at Anya. “Really? That good, huh?”
“Yep,” Anya answered as she closed the sliding glass door to the backyard.
“Interesting,” Willow and Tara both commented as they looked at each other.
Later that night, after the others had left and Willow was sound asleep, a pajama-clad Tara snuck downstairs. She slipped into the garage, grabbed a pair of gardening gloves and exited the house through the side door. Just as she walked to the driveway she saw it. In the light breeze, a small tumbleweed rumbled down the street. Quickly the Wiccan padded down to the road and with great care, her gloved hands caught the little bundle.
“Come on little tumbleweed. I’ve got a much better use for you.”
The End.