The clinic where her family physician was located was up scale very trendy. Since her husband had passed away she had felt lost. Her niece a beautician had spoken of some of her customers that used one particular physician for breast enhancement and tummy tucks. Waiting for the elevator she looked at the directory and there was the name of the physician her niece had spoken of. Two suites down from her very own family physician. She signed in at the desk sat down and opened the usual magazines. One story after another about the Total Woman of to-day.

      She felt as though she was from another era. At last her name was called. The nurse said step up on the scale. She had gained two pounds since her last visit six months ago. Not bad for a woman in her late sixties. One hundred and twenty pounds on a five foot six frame. Still curvaceous but not thin by any means.

      She had come in for a complete physical. Her blood was drawn and blood pressure checked 90 over 60 it always' had run low. The nurse asked her to please disrobe and put the paper gown that was on the table on, Doctor would be in soon. She sat back and memories of other visits to this man flooded her mind. He had seen her through numerous minor infections and colds. He had been the one who told her Bob had prostate cancer. That had brought trauma into their lives.

      She hears voices outside the door knob turns. She sees the Physician she has known for over twenty years. She doesn't hear his light banter. She is mesmerized by the scent of his after shave! This makes her uncomfortable. As he ask her to sit up right on the table so he can hear her heart and listen to her lungs.

      A strange sensation that has laid dormant for a long time stir's inside. He stands back looking startled! Damn he must sense this feeling that is overtaking. He picks up one ankle and say's no swelling. Looks at her leg and announces "no vein problems". He takes the reflex hammer and test her knee first one then the other. As he runs his hand down her leg again to her ankle she feel's arousal. He looks into her eyes she knows he is as touched as she is. He call's for his nurse to get her ready for a pelvic exam.

      "Scoot down as far as you can to the end of the table Sandy" say's the nurse. "Now place your feet in the stirrups". Sandy, feels very strange going through this almost as if her space has been invaded by an outsider. Doctor enters is putting his glove on adjusting the light. He sits on the stool down between her legs.

      Sandy, steps out into the hall. Instinct is to run to the elevator. Get in her car drive home and turn off the phone. Then open a big new bottle of wine. .

      As she waits she sees a woman approaching down the hallway, she is in dark glasses a scarf on her head. Standing next to the woman, she sees small bruises to the side and under the eye. Also along the hairline that is exposed signs of incision along the temple. They ride down in silence. .

      As Sandy, reaches the lobby she walks across, to the other set of elevators. Pushes the up button, steps in. Reaching the floor of her own Doctor she steps out. Squares her shoulders takes a deep breath, walks into the suite two doors down. .

      A perky slim youthful woman asks "May I help you?" Sandy, replies "I would like a consult" The woman looks down at the appointment book turning page after page. Sandy, is thinking to herself "I will back out if this appointment is three months from now. "I have no openings for 6 weeks, but If you have time to wait Doctors 2 O'clock hasn't signed in I can try to work you in". Destiny! Sandy, feels the rush. She sits down shuts her eyes. Her mind is a kalidiscope. This is wild!

      She sits filling out form after form regarding her health, income, residence, attending Physician. Then forms she must sign stating she is aware insurance will not pay for elective surgery. She pauses only a moment thinking almost aloud "To hell with it ..I can put off getting a new SUV if I have to".

      After a half hour the Nurse say's "Come in and meet Doctor Gray" . After introduction she sees sitting across a huge Rosewood desk, A well tanned younger man, in stylish attire. He begins reading her history, after a few minutes he looks up. She is gazing into limpid blue green eyes, even white teeth, he smiles Saying "you do not appear to need enhancement" Mrs. Moore that is right isn't it? Sandy, say's "No I am technically a Mrs. but I am a widow". I see he says "You're young to be a widow" "Now I want you to relax, tell me what you want to change about your appearance ... just what are you're expectations?" he pushes a button soft music starts to play.

      Sandy, doesn't know where to begin. She tells him how she can see creping under eyes as well as deepening frown lines on her forehead the very worse being small lines above her lip she fears "prune mouth". He sits listening taking notes... He ask her if she is concerned about her features because of her career? Sandy, laughs "Oh no, my career ended with my husbands death, our firm was sold" Then what is your motivation? She simply replies "Change".

      He walks around the desk. Gets a small strong flash light ask if he make look closer at her face. After he is done he states "I believe I can help your concerns regarding your physical features". "You are a beautiful woman as you are right now". I do not want you to have unrealistic expectations. .

      Mrs. Moore, I will be happy to share with you, letters from some of my patients. I also have pictures of before and after that some have agreed to share with new patients. He explained reconstruction surgery is not one exam and check in for surgery next week. With new computer aided profiles he would be able to show her just how she would appear after her surgery.

      She asked. "do you have any idea the approximate cost?" He said no.. Not until he had completed his profile. He asked her to step into his photo suite. She saw portrait sized pictures of women that looked like Rona Barrett and Delta Burke. He then took a digital camera taking picture after picture of Sandy, up close. After 45 minutes he said.,"I will do my profile, we will discuss if this is something, you really want to undertake next week perhaps?" He took her hand and once again told her how beautiful she was. Also how glad he was she had come in to allow him to assist her.

      As she left his inner office her feet were hardly touching the ground. She stopped at the receptionist desk for her next appointment. The receptionist said "Mrs. Moore to-day's charges are two thousand dollars" for the consult and exam. Sandy was so thrilled she simply wrote the check, took the card for next weeks visit.

The heat from her closed car brought her back to reality. She did not remember the elevator ride or walking across the parking lot to her car. Putting her car in gear. She turned up the air conditioner and radio thinking to herself. Life is beautiful.

      She turns the corner on to her street and sees the pool maintenance van parked in the middle of her drive. Damn. she has to pull up next to it. There is not room for the automatic garage door to open. Mildly agitated she enters her foyer. Her home feels cool, serene, smells of expensive pot pourri .She pours a glass of Merlot and unbuttons her blouse. By the time she is down the hall, into her bedroom she is down to her panties alone. She presses the intercom to the patio area.

      "Rafe, are you still cleaning the pool?" "I'm not done yet, Mrs. Moore". "Good I wish to speak with you". She puts on her swim suit pulls her hair back into a pony tail, grabs a towel. Going through the den she picks up her wine bottle and glass. She pushes the intercom to play music of the 70s.

      "I have been meaning to speak to you about where you park when you come to service my pool Rafe." Tijuana Brass is playing "The Mexican Shuffle". Rafe apologizes "I will move the van immediately Mrs. Moore". "Fine and please move my car inside" he nod's and takes the key's. As he goes through the garage for some reason she turns the patio phone to OFF position.

      Settling herself on the chaise lounge., wine in hand. Another 70s song comes on. "I love dreaming" Closing her eye's feeling fine . "Oh its paradise till the end of time". Rafe, comes back she feels, arousal plus this music is so relaxing. "How has this week been for you Rafe?"

      He sees something different in Mrs. Moore! She has always been cold, distant very business like. He senses a warm sexy attractive female. Who wants to engage him in conversation. This is different.

      She asks "how much longer until you've completed the pool?" he reply's "maybe 10minutes." "When is your next scheduled appointment?" What's this? "Well Mrs. Moore, to be honest, I have no more appointments, just a long hot ride home," "Do you live alone or have a family Rafe?" "No I live at home with my folks and am in graduate school nights. Just me my folks and my Harley Davidson."

      She adjust her hips, takes a drink of wineasks "would you like a glass of wine?" He says no, but do you have a bottle of Corona? She feels a giggle down deep in her throat. "Right over there in the bar fridge. The limes are in the door. She adjust the back of her lounge to the down position. He brings his drink over and sits on the concrete, next to where she is reclining. This is a classy lady! What the hell is this? he thinks to himself. I feel beautiful, I want to feel desired, be brought to full passion, she is thinking. "How long is it you've been alone?" She say's "Too long".

      "Shake your Groove thing" is now playing. "Care to dance?" he says taking her by the arm, helping her up from the lounge. Her shoulder begins to move in rhythm."Shake your groove thing.... lets keep dancing. goovy moves. show me how to do it now" Sandy, feels ageless. beautiful, wild, sexy.

      After the dance ends. Sandy returns to the chaise lounge, Rafe to his place sitting next to her. She turns toward him on her side. Looking at his face intently. Rafe say's "I have never been as turned on by a woman like you" "How am I, Rafe?" "Sophisticated, wealthy, and older" To Sandy that came as a slap. "Rafe, I only viewed you as a man, whose company I was enjoying." He felt very awkward, "I didn't mean to hurt your feelings I was being honest." "My feelings are not hurt my libido has nose dived" she said laughing.

      Rafe said "I have never met a woman like you in my life." "Well I thought I might see what being with virile man, would be like sexually, after so long, but the moment has passed Rafe, I am glad I did not make a fool of myself." "You're taking this all wrong, I meant I find you a woman I want to make love to." "Sorry Rafe, I am not feeling in the mood any longer."

      "Do you want me to leave Sandy?" She says "Would you like another beer?" "Am I fired?" With that she throws her head back and laugh's almost hysterically, gets up, walks to the pool and dives in. Rafe, gets up and walks towards the garage door.

      Sandy, gets out grabs her towel, turns on the phone, set's the security system. As she enters the den the phone is ringing. "Hello, Oh yes dear, it has been a normal day, how are my darling grandchildren." .

      After setting the coffee pot and taking her anti-depressant, she draws her bath, checks her body before the full mirror in her dressing room. Shaking her head, wondering if she will dry up like leaves that float to the ground in autumn.

      After her bath, she puts on her robe. Sits down at her computer and log's on to a chat room. Her Cyber name is "Beaver." As her name comes up she is greeted with "Hello Beaver, are you ready to have a little Cyber sex?" .

      The chat room is general discussion mainly current events. The private messages were something entirely different. Often a message would come across the screen requesting Sandy, to meet someone in private chat. Normally the first question would be "is your picture posted anywhere?" Sandy's response was always good natured and light "You have seen me on the cover of many magazines" She once thought of having a "Glamour Shot" taken. Then thought to herself "Girl are you loosing it?" What the hell!

      She met in cyber-land one chatter, she seemed to enjoy almost like she was drawn to this persona when the name came on. Dr Spock. She would say "As in Doctor or Vulcan" that always caused a chorus of "LOLs". Over the past months he had shared with Sandy, that his wife was a cancer patient, she was sedated often and that he was very lonely. They had discussed the threaded chats for care givers.

      Spock, had asked for her phone number, this made her uneasy. She knew with an address or phone number people could go to map web sites and get actual maps to your front door. In private message he told her how much he would like to meet her at a resort, all she needed to do was name the place. .

      This puzzled her as he was so "tied down" with his ailing wife. But she allowed it to pass. He said they could share dinner, dance then?.... whatever! She began to confide in him more and more. She often would check the chat room just to see if his name was on the list. He posted beautifully phrased messages not macho or feminine just like if they were sitting talking across a table from each other. He asked her what really got her in the "mood", she felt her face flush.

      She answered truthfully, A man's voice. Deep yet soft, slow speaking. Men that had a good command of the English Language. He then posted what was a "turn off". Again she was honest. A guy that had more gold jewelry on than she did, one she would have to push away from the bathroom mirror to put her own make-up on. He came back with Oh No!

      Sandy, if I were to kiss you, what would you want me to kiss? Your mouth, your neck, or your breast. Sandy's response was rapid "that would depend, if we were in a car or a private room. I would never want to be kissed in a public room of any type. .

      Spock came back with "Oh you have some hang-ups." No not really. I am a very private person, anything that occurs during intimacy is so very personal to me that I want it left where it occurred, no replay verbally or in written form.

      Sandy do you bathe or shower? I love to soak for an hour in my Jacuzzi. Is there room for me Sandy? She giggled and posted. Depends on how big you are. Come on now Sandy, I am laying my soul out to you. Tell me what type music to you listen to while youre doing that hour long soak. Sandy thought for a moment "Nana Mouskouri” Spock posted ????? Sandy replied a singer who best puts my thoughts into words "Return to Love" or really about anything she sings.

      Oh ok "Just visualize us in your Jacuzzi, No bubbles, I'm not a bubbles type guy". I see Sandy replies. No Sandy I don't want you to see. I want you to close your eyes lean back in that silky warm water, I will get behind you. Can you feel me caress your shoulders. feel me kiss your neck? Sandy, let's a small croon out of her innermost self. "My hands will slip around to gently caress your breast, silky warm wet" Sandy, sighs. "You will turn towards me your legs wrap around my waist" Sandy "what do you want me to do?" "I only know I will want what follows?

      Spock says "We will dry each other off going in to lay on your bed. I will kiss our from your mouth, neck, breast and run my tongue around your naval. Sandy? "I will push your head downward .oh my, oh my. Suddenly the phone rings! Sandy quickly post BRB. Spock, lets out a gasp! posting "No, no Sandy let it ring."

      Too late Sandy has picked it up. Hello. "Mother, are you already in bed?" "Why?" I need some advice. "About?" "Joining your Yoga group"! Sandy's head goes back on the seat of her computer chair, I cannot believe this she thinks.

By the time Sandy, got off the phone, and back to her computer Spocks name was no longer on the user list. She posted a "G' night all"... A dozen "byeeees" came on the screen.

      As she crawled into her bed, she thought to-night I refuse to dream of BEFORE.. Before Bob's illness, Before Bob's death, Before she was alone Sandy slept very soundly...

      Waking to the radio weather report. Continued un-seasonal heat wave. Just great! she thought. Getting out of bed she grabbed a thin silk short kimono. Pushed the coffee to on. Going out on to the patio to water her potted plants.

      She heard glass breaking sounded like from next door. She knew the neighbors were on vacation, she dropped the hose, picked up the patio phone and dialed 9-1-1. "Nature of your emergency please?" "Break in next door I think" the dispatcher asked her to stay on line while the call was routed. "A unit is in in-route please stay connected".

      Within a minute Sandy heard the squeal of brakes and commanding voices. Soon the door bell rang,she hung the phone up and answered the door. Opening the door she saw a uniformed patrolman and a middle aged man in a suit. They asked question's about the neighborhood and the next door neighbors where they were and when they would return.

      "Was there a break-in". The Patrolman said "we won't know if anything was taken until the owners return and give a inventory account,someone was exiting the back area when we arrived".

      Sandy, felt weak and scared. The Patrolman told her they would be patrolling the area closely for the next few months. With that they left.

      Sandy, had just sat down with her paper and coffee, when the phone rang. It was Doctor Gray's office could she come in at 3 PM to-day for the finalization of her enhancement? Oh yes, she could, how exciting.

      When she hung up the phone she looked down. Oh my goodness, she was in the thin silk kimono she had grabbed when she got out of bed. What must those officers thought? Oh well she would never see them again and she was too happy to feel remorse over strangers seeing her so scanty attired.

      That afternoon she was prompt at Doctor Gray's office, she once again filled out many forms and signed many consent forms. He showed her on computer what she now looked like and how she would look post surgery. Sandy found it striking. She asked the total cost. He said here is the paper work look it over initial it and sign if want the procedure.

      It was $30,000 she gulped, but said "This I want". She called her bank and had funds transferred from CDs to a draft payable in part to Dr. Gray and the hospital where the procedure would be done.

      She was told to report to the hospital early Monday morning and the operation would be done at 9am she would be out of recovery by 6 PM and able to return home by the next morning. Her recovery would be three or four weeks and she would report to his office for check ups each Friday until he discharged her. Someone would have to drive her home.

      She had decided to not tell her family until after the procedure was done, sometimes she did not speak to her children for three or four day's at a time. She would have to confide in someone to have a ride home from the hospital. The only name that came into her mind was a friend since they were young women Glenna.

      As she left the Doctors office the winds had picked up her car was being pelted with sand,tumble weeds blew across the freeway. She was oblivious to the heat the wind she was as excited as she had been in years.

      When she got home, she poured a glass of Merlot, dialed Glenna's number and began. She told her of everything that had occured since she went to her Doctor for the annual gyn examination, she left nothing out. Glenna listened occasionally saying oh my.

      When Sandy stopped Glenna said "Sandy let's go out Saturday night and celebrate the new Sandy"!

      The day's flew by, Sandy, didn't have time to go to the chat room, she was so busy getting everything ready for her hospital trip. It was hard to not share with her children, but something she felt they would try to talk her out of.

      Glenna, called Saturday morning to discuss the night on the town. Sandy, had only gone dancing at the different clubs no country and western or anything exotic.

      Glenna and her husband had taken ballroom dance and entered competitions. There was to be an exhibition at the new Civic Center Saturday night with public dance in between the demonstrations.

      Sounded good but Sandy, did not have the type clothing that was worn to those type functions. Glenna,said "come on over let's look in my closet". Glenna and Sandy, were not cloned by any stretch of the imagination but similar in stature.

      As Sandy, backed out of her driveway, the sand and wind were bad visibility was limited. She was so excited she didn't care. She pulled into Glenna's drive the garage opened, she pulled in out of the howling wind.

      As she entered the kitchen/den area she heard Glenna call out "Margarita or Little shooters?" Sandy, laughed "Any wine?" Glenna appeared, in shorts and top, with short hair and obvious breast enhancement.

      With wine in hand they entered Glenna's master suite. On the bed laid outfit after outfit of beautiful evening attire. Sandy chose a midnight blue tight gown with cobalt spangles but when she tried it on, looking in the mirror it seemed tight across the hip's. She then picked up a beige with clear crystal beading from the waist up to the bosom, long form fitting nylon sleeves with crystal beading very elegant. Not show girl in any way, just feminine and classy. This is it!

      They went into the den going through old photo albums. Trips to Tahoe and Catalina. Finally Sandy said "I cannot continue to live in the past, it is killing me by degrees". Glenna said "Well friend we are going to bring you out of exile, back into life starting to-night".

      Sandy, backed out of the drive with the sand not letting up. She pulled into a parking deck of a mall. Went into a shoe store, found the perfect shoes for the outfit. Walking in the mall she came to a hair salon that did not require appointments She sat in the chair and said"I want to look different" ..."How different?" the operator said. After a shampoo and cut then blow dry, Sandy's hair shined perfect silver,when she shook her head it fell back into place with out a hair out of place She walked out feeling ten years younger.

      Sandy,drove home oblivious to the howling winds. Entering her den she turned the music intercom on Julio sang romantic songs. she poured a Kailua liqueur. Laying the new ensemble and shoes on her bed. Disrobed,turned her Jacuzzi on. The bubble jets in the highest mode.

      She slipped into the water with the jets pointed towards her nipples and between her legs. She opened her legs and laid back. Until her body could no longer take the nerve impulses that surged through her body...

      Sandy, was drying off when the door bell began ringing .. over and over. She grabbed the kimono that was laying on her dressing room bench. As she opened the door there stood the same men that had been there before. Showing a badge one said "PD again, there is a big fire moving your way, get what you can loaded out and be ready to evacuate at anytime"..

      "Evacuate? I have no way to get my things out of this place" "Lady, just gather up your important papers and what you have to have, this could be life or death situation no vehicles except for emergency are allowed in this area only those exiting."

      Sandy, stood frozen to the spot, They turned to walk down her walk. The man in the suit turned back "Lady,if I was you I would get some clothes on". Awww Geeze, See through Kimono again! "Yes officer" was all Sandy could get out.

      She had to collect her thoughts quickly she started to sit down to make a list. "Oh hell" ..she got into a closet getting out a brief case, started stuffing things from the safe inside, went into her room, dumped her jewelry box into it. She ran out into the garage opened the trunk just threw it in, one trip after another she made. She could smell burning grass and hear the wind. Her mind was doing cart wheels.

      She finally laid down on her couch in fetal position. She reached for the phone to call Glenna, she couldn't go to a celebration, "What in the hell kind of a thought is that?" She quickly dialed her daughters number. Everything went dark, the phone went dead. No power, now to find her cell phone some candles and yes a drink. The only light was eerie flickering orange that played on the walls through the patio doors.

      No blast from a Fire engine, no wail from a Police car. All she heard was her heart beating in her ear drums. She sat down in her Yoga position she had to get into another mode of thinking fast.

      "Hmmmmm"..."Hmmmmm" ..she rang her finger timbales. She was beginning to extend beyond the room she was in. She heard a tapping noise at the patio door. At first it sounded like a dog's tail hitting the glass It continued, she got up. There stood the man in the suit. She slid the door open "Well you sure dodged a bullet to-night lady". Sandy, felt so drained of energy she began to cry. She was shaking all over. "Now now lady, don't go into shock here on me, slow down your alright".

      "I need to call my daughter, I can't find my cell, may I use you’rs?" "Think I can handle that for you" he stepped inside. His flashlight in hand she got into the drawer getting candles out. She dialed her daughter and assured her she was fine, asking her to call Glenna, explain why she would not be meeting her to-night .

      She offered the man a drink, a glass of water? "Water will be fine". They sat discussing the events of the fire, he shared how long he had been on the PD, questioned why she stayed out so far alone. "My name is Sandy,it is alright if you call me by my name officer".. "Fine you can call me Ski, all my friends do". ."Glad to meet you Ski".

      He had his scanner on so they sat across from one another at the bar, he with his spring water, she with her wine, listening to the chatter of the fire zone. He shared that he was about ready to retire, "My career has cost me 3 wives and a couple of great kids that never knew me".

      Sandy, stood up to walk him to the door, he said "Is that the only damn thing you own to wear?" they both laughed. She responded "At my age I am sure not trying to turn anyone one Ski". "Don't look so bad to these eye's Sandy".

      They got to the door and Sandy, heard herself say "Can't you stay just awhile longer?"..."Let me check," he got on his hand held unit and gave another code. "I am free as long as you need me".

      They sat on the den sofa, discussing the area, the weather,hobbies, he kept getting closer. Sandy, did not move away. Finally his arm was around her, and they kissed.

      Sandy, was not a shy young girl that did not pick up on the signals. She just felt different, she had not had another man make deliberate moves to caress or fondle her since before her husbands illness. She had to block that feeling out. She responded, kissing back, leaning into his body, they stood up walking towards her room.

      He turned her towards him taking hold of her buttocks pulling her closer into his body. It felt so very pleasing she softly asked "Did you bring any condoms?" He laid her down on the bed, he was getting undressed, he said "pardon?" as he came to her body nude. She repeated the question.

      "I have no sex problems Sandy, I sure don't think you do". She could feel her head shaking back and forth No, No No..."Ski please stop now, I can't have relations with you, without protection, no matter how wonderful I feel, you are a wonderful lover, I want to go all the way. Ski said "Wait, what is this I am hearing, we are both naked, your body is trembling, I am erect as a tree, and you are saying you are scared I will give you some disease?"

      Sandy, murmured, "I can't I just can't take the chance" Ski, rolled off the bed, grabbed his clothes off the floor,Sandy, was saying "Don't go stay Ski, just lay here and hold me" "Sandy, you know what? you are a full fledged prick tease" No Ski, I want you so bad, I really do, we just have to be safe" "Well lady, you're safe, cause I am outta here"...

      Sandy, heard the front door slam, then a car engine. Quickly getting up from the bed, she grabbed a sweat suit from a drawer. Ran into the foyer, slammed the dead bolt. Sitting down in front of the fire place thinking it is too hot for the gas logs.

      Knowing she had to change the mood. Feeling such a failure, the first honest attempt at physical contact with a man in years had escaped her grasp. The air conditioning unit came on, the electricity was back on. She flipped on the audio system Nana, was singing "Smile".

      She lit the gas longs in the fireplace even with the A.C. unit running she had to change the Karma.. Grabbing a afghan off the end of the sofa, she laid down before the flickering fire, A. C. unit going full force. Wishing the surgery of next week was over. Dreaming that she hadn't turned Ski down.

      A strange feeling that Bob's, spirit was somehow lingering in their bedroom. She curled up,waiting for sleep.

      Once again the door bell! "What now?" looking out there stood Ski! "Sandy, you won't believe this, Thrifty Drug store is opened 24 hours!!" She giggled, opening the door. "I see you do have more than the kimono, I think I liked it better". They went into the den, sitting down on the sofa. He told her as he drove away he understood where she was coming from, that he felt bad at his reaction "no one should take chances any more period".

      That made Sandy, feel better. He added "I purchased enough "protection" to last a year! hope I didn't make you too mad" "I was more confused at life in general than what you said,suppose I have been too sheltered for so long".

      After innocent talk for awhile, he started gently rubbing the back of Sandy's neck, It felt good. She pulled her sweat shirt top off exposing her bosom. They slid to the floor on to the afghan in front of the fireplace. Her nipples had not been as sensitive yet erect in years, he caressed one then the other for a very long time, his touch was gentle his tongue was everywhere. Finally he pulled her pant's down. She experienced one orgasm after another. He finally came back up to her neck and shoulders, kissing her over and over her neck her ears Finally .. He was tender warm and she was FULL Over and over Sandy, managed to ask "Do you take Viagra?" "No Sandy, an implant after my last heart attack, this can go on until you have had enough of me"

      The haunting sound of "Quiereme Mucho" was playing in the background. Sandy, adjusted her body, feeling pleasure beyond her wildest dreams ..on and on..

      Sandy, awoke to the ringing phone. She could see it was daylight, cloudy gray. Feeling next to her on the floor. All alone, that was strange. Hadn't heard the door open or close, nor a car engine. She sat up, felt her sweat suit, both top and bottoms! What in the world! Picking up the receiver.

      "Sandy, are you ok?, we really worried about you, with the fire up your way" It was Glenna. "Can I call you back? I am just barely awake, need to get some coffee down, what time is it?" "Oh almost 10am". Sandy, let out a groan. "Hey, you ok?" "Yes, at least I think I am, will get back with you".

      Sandy, fully expected as she started across the room to feel very sore. Such a rigorous sexual encounter after so long. Strange nothing! . She entered her bathroom, turned on the shower, began to disrobe. As she removed her bra, panties there was no evidence that she had any type of sexual contact, period!

      Could it all have been a dream? "No" Sandy shook her head, I felt every sensation each touch my reactions were so strong. She stepped into the hot shower, allowing the water to pelt her skin, like needles. As she dried, there was her Kimono, on the bench by the dressing table. Putting it on, wrapped her hair in a towel walked into the kitchen. Pushed the coffee button on. She opened her front door to a cooler morning. Felt like rain. Picked up the paper. Headlines read: "Wind driven fire ... Now under control"

      She sat down at the bar, her mind doing a virtual search engine replay, of last night. Walking to the sink. There was her wine glass. . Sleeping pill bottle was on the counter. Ski's, bottle of water laid in the trash.

      She knew for a fact he had been there. Also evidence the fire was real, from the headlines. Sandy, felt certain the encounter about her asking about protection was real. When he left, evidently he had not come back?"

      Oh. ..no way! Could it all have been a dream? sub-Conscious erotica? It had been so pleasurable.

      How could this be happening?

      Light rain continued to fall. Sandy, read the entire paper. Normally on Sunday's she attended Church with her daughter and family. Then they would go out to lunch.

      She rarely got to the paper before night fall, her main interest was about how close the fire had come to her own neighborhood. Her mind drifted, to how Bob had spoken often about moving to the Coast, getting away from all the canyons with dry vegetation. The thought of all the fog didn't do much for Sandy. There was a section of pictures of the devastation, people evacuating, only two miles over. One picture showed a PD vehicle with two men standing beside it one was Ski. She had never had such a dream about another man like she had evidently had with that guy. She wondered, could thoughts of sex overtake her thoughts?

      As a young woman she had gone to visit a Aunt who had been placed in residential care she had dementia. She took her clothing off, she spoke in coarse terms regarding sex. Every one was very uncomfortable around her. Especially her husband, who couldn't accept the utterances. He said he never heard her use such language, he wondered where she had heard of the type sexual encounters she rambled about. He was extremely hurt and bewildered by where her mind had taken her. Sandy, literally shuddered "I would rather be dead, than act like that." She spoke the words aloud.

      In her younger day's it had never entered her mind that the so called "elderly" had on-going sexual desires. She honestly never had given it a thought. After under going a hysterectomy, Doctor had put her on hormone pills. They broke her out in a rash, she had to go into his office monthly for a shot, Premarian. As her responsibility at their business grew her time became more and more hectic. She stopped going regularly. She became prone to hot flashes. Also less responsive to Bob's sexual desires. Now she wished she would have been more responsive. She missed him in so many way's, physical contact was but one, although a very important one. It was during the time she had stopped taking the hormone shot's she discovered if she had a few drinks she was less inhibited.

      Knowing her body had undergone many changes internal and external she thought, she had became extremly modest. It got to the point she did not want Bob, to see her nude. She no longer wanted sex during the day. Night time only, pitch darkness.

      Bob, did sometimes grumble about some of her "hang ups". When she drank liquor, she felt more relaxed. Bob certainly had not objected, he seemed genuinely pleased. She would undress in front of him, teasing him.

      Before too many months had passed, she began drinking daily. Then earlier each day. Soon on week-ends Sandy was lightly drinking all day each week-end.

      Bob, brought up the subject "Sandy, could you be having a problem with you're drinking?" "Of course not." How could she tell him that being slightly intoxicated made her feel empowered, more than that, she let all inhibition go. After Bob's illness set in, she stopped drinking, she began taking pain pills. She was in pain, just watching him fade away was very painful.

      After his death she had modified the pill taking to every so often, no longer drank hard liquor. Wine only. She told herself it was working.

      The upcoming day's events came to her. She needed to talk things over with Glenna. She really needed Glenna, as a confidant also for transportation the next 3 weeks.

      She questioned herself. "Should I tell my daughter? NO."

      Sandy, had all the things she had thrown in the vehicle to unload and put away. One thing defiantly different now was, Dread She had always been one to have everything in it's place. She now still wanted things in their place, but when they were in disarray. Dread over took her ... actual panic almost.

      The thought of the upcoming holiday's, were not at all something she was looking forward to. Put things up. Take things down.. Wrap gifts. This year she would just as soon sit them out. If it were not for the fact if she didn't have a Tree, she would be expected to go for the "Tree" at her son and daughter in-law's. Why is it some younger women just push in and take over? Sandy, asked herself. Her Son loved his wife, provided their family a good living a excellent life style. But the woman, seemed to live to put Sandy, in her place as the "dowager".

      Sandy, would not speak out against Cyd, in any way, as her Son, thought the moon and star's shined on his wonderful wife. No matter what Sandy, bought the Grandchildren, she would return and get something else, after she told Sandy, what the kids wanted. One year Sandy, just gave gift certificates, Cyd, spoke up and said, "You would think you would pick something more personal"!

      Cyd, was a tan booth junkie also spent most of her spare time at the local gym, trying to get her body back. Sandy, wanted to say "lay off the prime rib and old fashion's", but knew better. Her Son, and Bob, had been very close. Bob, had always asked their Son, to watch after his Mother, if he ever wasn't around. Sandy, felt this made Cyd, despise her. So she no longer asked anything of her Son.

      Adjustments of widowhood, life did go on. She started unloading the back seat, a piece of jewelry fell out, a broach. It was a family heirloom from Nonna, her Maternal Grandmother from the old country. She had migrated from Poland prior to WW1. Her home always sparkled and smelled of ethnic foods. There was a time Sandy, thought she would be that type of a Grandmother, but it did not seem to be. Cyd, would never allow that. Also Sandy, did not feel as old as Nonna, seemed at the very same age. Nonna, had long thin gray hair braided around her head, she smelled of Violet talc, and lived in the past at the same age.

      Sandy, half laughed aloud and wondered if Nonna, had ever had a dream similar to Sandy's about Ski? Certain things about the women that were part of her childhood were like icon's ..un-touchable. women of strong faith ..but very sure no man would invade their lives after they entered into "widowhood". In honesty Sandy, did not enjoy living alone, she didn't like to impose on her married friends lives. She sure would not feel free to drop in on her Son's week-ends. Her daughters home was hectic, the kids were everywhere, they got on Sandy's nerves after a hour. There were just so many episodes of "baby genius" she could endure. Also they always wanted to have a family night of pizza or mini golf. After chasing children for a hour Sandy, was ready for a night of Jay Leno... like fast.

      She almost had the things all back inside when Glenna, drove up. "Would you like to run into town and grab a bite?" Sandy nodded yes "give me a minute to throw on something else, grab a glass of wine". Sandy was back out in 10 minutes, "where to?" .."You're driving"..they laughed. The joke was Glenna loved "Boot Scooters" where line dancing was the rage 7 day's a week, from 1PM till closing. Sandy looked down "No boots?" Glenna, laughed, "NOPE let's go somewhere else".

      They circled town and finally pulled into a place that looked like a night club, the old fashioned kind. Valet parking in the afternoon! They got out gave the man the key's and went inside, it was dark except for a small lamp on each table. A host in black full pant's a starched white shirt and Fez on his head said "Two madam, smoking or non-smoking?" they replied in unison "No smoking". "Can I take a drink order before you're waiter gets here?" "Yes two Harvey Wallbangers" Glenna, spoke up. He looked like he smelled something bad one eyebrow shot up. They broke out laughing they could not help it. He slid away into the darkness, shortly bringing back their drinks. Glenna, laid a five dollar bill on his tray, he made a gesture like a genie out of the bottle towards them and left. "Just what type place is this Glenna?".. a "North African, restaurant with ball room dancing contest each Sunday"... Sounded like fun to Sandy.

      They ordered Cous Cous with white fish. Settled in sipping their drinks. Sandy, poured out her whole story, from the first meeting of Ski, through the dream. Glenna, was a good listener. After she had finished, Glenna, had her turn. She told Sandy, she had allowed herself to become too isolated, cut off from people her own age. There really is life out here Sandy. You are just a normal woman alone. Who does not want her family dictating to her...

      Their food arrived, so the conversation shifted to diet, excercise, keeping fit. "Sandy, the reason I do ball room dancing, is simple, I don't like being out in the sun with golf, going to the gym gets to be like work, the lesson's are like a treat, never know who will show up". Sandy, replied, she didn't have a lot of confidence in being out on a floor with people watching. "You never notice when it is public the lights on the floor are bright don't see the people sitting and watching honest". Sandy, wanted to know how long the lessons took, Glenna, replied "you can be ready with 5 weeks lessons where we go to".

      She was more concerned about what she faced the next day with the surgery. Glenna, assured her she would pick her up, wait until she was out of recovery before going home. "I do not want my family to know until I am home that is one thing I am positive of".

      The spotlight came on an announcer came on the floor, welcoming all to the Ball Room Dance Contest, he listed the category's of this day's contest, he explained the winners would return in the evening for semifinals. The couples looked like they had theatrical make-up, their outfit's were beautiful. "All right couples SAMBA". The different category's seemed to fly by. The music, the mood, the excitement, Sandy, knew she had found a outlet to help her overcome her depression.

      After a few hours they got into Glenna's car and went by the condo complex, too late to see the model unit to-day. As they pulled into Sandy's drive way, Glenna looked at her watch "Goodness, it is almost 7pm, I better get home, if I want my marriage to last!" "Good night Glenna and thanks for being a friend". "Night Sandy, have a good dream now girl friend". Sandy, thought that is just what I don't need to-night is an erotic dream.

      She unlocked her door, entered the empty house, flipped on the sound system, looked at the phone calls, no need to fix coffee, she would not be able to have any before surgery. She poured a glass of wine, thought out loud "What I really need is a good relaxing hour in the Jacuzzi".

      As she disrobed she pulled her hair back from her face peering closely in the mirror, she looked at the face looking back at her. Good cheekbones, some frown lines, very sad and lonely eyes. She turned the spa jets to high, slipped into the silky warm water. Nana sang "Habanera" as the bubbles enveloped her body, she relaxed, placing one leg up on the side of the tub allowing the jets to do their wonderful job of bringing her to orgasm. When she no longer could take the sensation's she got out and climbed into her bed nude the feel of the silken sheets felt cool, she reached into the night stand for the vibrator, she felt no need to worry if Bob's spirit was anywhere near, she was alive, she knew what she was feeling was normal.

      Sandy's dreams were not erotic as she slept this night. Her dreams, were of her future, a future with out constant memories, of how it was These dreams were of how it will be.

      Always she would honor the memory of her husband. Celebrate the wonderful years, not dwell on the rough times.

      She woke up with out the feel of dread that started off so many of her mornings. Most mornings she woke to the knowledge that there was so much that needed to be done with such a large home. So much maintenance that fell to her, to do or hire out. She knew it had caused her depression.

      Firm knowledge that she was the only one in charge of her own destiny. Since she bore that responsibility. She would make the decisions on her own with very limited in put from well meaning family.

      As she brushed her teeth, combed her hair and dressed. She looked around at all her wonderful surroundings. Now it was more clear than ever they were just "things". Nothing she could not live without possessing.

      It also came to her not everyone would approve or understand her desire to change her life style. First, she felt her family would question her decision to sell the home they all loved so much. It had served as the cornerstone for so many family activity's. That was while Bob was alive. Since he was gone memories at gatherings always revolved of how things had been. Sandy, no longer wanted to live in the shadow of how it had been. Instead her journey would be living in the moment.

      Which would be guided by the decisions she made not to please others but to survive herself.

      She heard the sound of a car horn. She walked out her door to get in the car with Glenna. She no longer felt as though what she were about to undertake on her own, needed to be qualified to anyone.

      The adage of: "Don't judge another until you've walked a mile in their shoes". Would become Sandy's mantra The remaining years of her life.

AUTHORS NOTE: After being witness to my Mother and her contemporaries I actually didn't know what a "good" relationship was
They had homes, cars, some worked some didn't all had children
Those that didn't were considered selfish, or sorrow because they were barren
I guess the song "Love N Marriage" epitomized courtship and early marriage?
I went on my non-conforming air headed way
I do not think it was what is now called rebellion
I just always was "different" felt it, knew it
The state I am from drivers license didn't have pictures
Some of us had fake ones to get us into the places were we listened to music and danced

Think most of us either knew a so called "slutty girl" or had one in their family!
My mind set was, so what? It doesn't mean she engaged with going all the way with every guy she dated
They were in error it meant she enjoyed men and didn't hide it and that was their problem
"Good girls go to heaven" so said HGB "bad girls go everywhere"!! (she thought outside the box)..
She is now 83 and happily married for years and years she and her husband produce movies
She cites Steinem, often calling her a pioneer for insisting that women should seek sexual parity with men, "but she's fooling herself if she thinks her message is a feminist one."
I agree with HGB attitude "All the suggestions about pleasing men are as viable now as ever" So say's HGB in Dec.2005 Smithsonian Magazine.