It has been 20 years since I held Artie's hand.

      I looked at Ella and said, "Listen closely, Ella. I was married and raising children for twenty-five years. In my life I have loved two different men and one different woman."

      Ella lets out a whoop of joy, "A different woman, huh? What am I?"

      I long to grab her and shake her, or smile and kiss her. "Shush. I'm trying to tell you something. After I admitted how much I had always loved women when I was in group therapy, I took the step of loving a real woman, not a daydream, but real. I truly loved her. When she left me I swore to stay alone forever. I have, and for the first time in all my life I've found ways to be truly happy."

      "Jeez," she says, "that's some swell choice. I have to think about this. You acted like my coming on to you was what you wanted. Did I mix up the signals?"

      I try to continue. I have to explain this. "This is different now, this fear. I'm sorry if I confused you. I haven't been out in public since the cancer, and everything is changing for me. I am afraid. It's like I'll die if I go outside. It's a little death every time I shop for groceries and I have to stop my fear because I just can't bear to live this way. That's what I'm here for. I don't need.... I don't want interference from you or those guys you lured into this business of mine, will you understand.?

      "When I was on the first vision quest I made with Smoke Man Dancing as my Guide, I came out of my dream, and I wrote this poem. I was not so much coming out from gender issues as I was coming out into the light of being and accepting whoever I am. And who I was loved Artie, and she, for a spell loved me.