Mummy
never loved me, I could tell, it’s in the eyes you know, the way they bore
into your soul, asking, always asking why I was born.
How I interrupted her life, her career.
No she never wanted me, I dragged her down, changed her body, lost her
her award winning curves. I hated
being near her even as a child, she drilled this fear into me, if it wasn’t
for me she’d be a famous model. She
never stopped not until the day she died, she always put me down, belittled my
efforts, if I got 98% in a test she always wanted to know what happened to the
other 2. She always tried
to overshadow me. But instead of making me the weakling she wanted it only made
me strong.
You
see I was a daddy’s girl, he loved me and cherished me more than anything,
even Her, and I reckon that was part of it you know, She hated me for taking him
for Her, but how was a little girl going to see these secret workings of the
adult world? All I knew was that he loved me and treasured me, encouraged my
efforts, paid for extra tuition and most importantly spent time with me, while
She? She just stared at me with those eyes of hate.
And
that’s what formed me, made me the woman I am today, made me seek the power
and authority never to let anyone belittle me again. And how did I start this, well that’s something I’ll tell
you about later.
I
grew up with money all around me, daddy made sure I had whatever I wanted, even
though I know he loved me more than anything his work took him form me, he
travelled the world and made my dreams reality. So I grew up under the care of nanny after nanny, She could
never bear more than a few minutes in my presence; she’d kiss the air by my
cheek and wander on by. So yes I
had an attitude when it came to women. The
nanny’s she hired always looked down on me too.
They tried to hide it but I could tell, you see they had pity in their
eyes, they pitied me, me? I mean I had what I needed, my daddy saw to that.
You think I missed Her love, how could I when I never knew what it was, I
only realised that She was different from other mothers when I was older, and I
saw how my friends were treated.
As
I grew up and went to school, a boarding school, all nice and proper, can’t
have the daughter of a rich and successful business man going to any old school,
and well mother insisted I was a boarder,
“
To encourage her to make friends her own age, darling” was how mother put it.
But I knew better, I knew it was to get me out of her hair, to keep me away from
the house. And well in a way I was
pleased, it’s not like I wanted to be in the same house as her anyway,
miserable old cow, living for past glories and could have beens.
I
enjoyed school, in a strange way, it released me from her bonds, I made friends,
not many, I was never that type, but one or two useful contacts.
Places I could go in the holidays if dad was away, people with money,
influence, people I could use. I
worked damn hard and got good grades, flew through G.C.S.E.`s went on to `A`
levels. I didn’t stay to finish
them, dad got ill and had to stop travelling, and you can guess what mother’s
reaction was to that, she moved out of the house to a flat in London.
Like she could ever stand being near anything that might not be perfect
or something. So I went home and
looked after daddy, he was still working from home, damn it he had to, to pay
for Her flat! And so I helped him,
learned the ropes first hand, instead of learning the theory.
Before too long I was doing most of the work, daddy could just about hold
his pen to sign things, and that’s when I stated to make my plans. I knew
daddy would die soon, and God it pulled at my heart, that the only relative
I’d have was Her, and I knew She’d take everything, every single penny that
dad had worked so hard on, and I just couldn’t let her do that.
It was just her style to leave me penniless and fly off to some hot
country with a new boyfriend. Yes she’d been cheating on dad for years, she had to, to
prove to herself she was still beautiful and attractive, so she had one young
dumb stud after another, who lets face it were more interested in the money than
her sagging body.
But
I had to keep her from taking everything dad worked so hard for, and to this end
I got in contact with some solicitors and made sure that it would all go to me.
It was all amazingly simple, I just got him to sign everything over to me
before he died, making it mine, all mine, even before she could worm her way
back into his affections in the hope of him altering his Will in her favour!
I just put the document in his hands and got him to sign it, like
everything else, easy as that. Well
ok I won’t go into all the boring legal stuff, but when it comes down to it
once you get him to sign on the dotted line it’s done.
She
threw a fit and a half when she found out, tried to take it through the courts,
but since I’d made sure she got a fair sum out of it and a life times pension,
she didn’t really have a leg to stand on, just that stupid flat in London and
enough money to buy booze and fags. I
knew then that she would never forgive me, never ever let me forget and would do
everything she could to bring me down, so of course I had to fight back.
No
way was I letting her take anything dad had worked so hard for, I worked night
and day, controlling everything myself. The
power became everything, my driving force; I was ruthless in the way I dealt
with everyone. And yes she even
tried to use that against me anyway she could.
In the end I knew I had no option but to remove her from my life.
She had been a bane to my existence from the day they cut the cord and I
knew in some way she felt the same, my very conception had put her life on hold,
I had sucked the life from her, the life she had worked and seduced for.
In some way I guess she had loved dad once, or at least his money and
success and had hoped to use it to futher her career, only then bam there I was,
stopping her.
But
how could I get her out of my life, she was never going to simply give up and
take what I would give her, she wanted it all and me ruined most of all.
Then it came to me, I could totally remove her from my life, all I had to
do was slip her too many pills to swallow with her champagne, if I timed it
right she’d be too oblivious to notice or care.
But it was how to get them to her without raising suspicion.
I never went to visit her at the flat, and if I went the once, it would
be noted by all those nosey neighbours. The
plan suddenly took on a long term aspect, she was off her face so often these
days that it mattered little what things she tried, I was after all in many ways
my mothers daughter!
I
started a long term plan of visiting her regularly at the flat, once a week on a
Monday afternoon. If she died on a Monday none of her cronies would miss her til
the weekend and by then it would be far too late.
I learned how to play the loving devoted daughter in front of her
neighbours, telling them I hadn’t visited before because mother had asked me
not to, but now she was ill and was on her way down, she needed me, even if she
denied it to the roof tops. After
years of hearing my mother’s rants I think the realised she wasn’t stable
but we as a family were too proud to lock her up, and despite their nosiness
they still wanted to keep that step back from interfering. So for nearly three years I spent afternoons of hell
locked up with my mother, her eyes still boring in to my soul and accusing me of
life. But now I was older and
stronger and I stared back, I think she guessed I had some kind of plan, but as
the months went by it confused her, I never so much as hinted that I was going
to end her life, I never offered to help her with her medication, I just made
tea and drank from the same pot as her, letting her chose her own cup and mine.
Years
passed and she started to let her guard down, I think she became very confused,
after all these visits I had never so much as tried anything.
She couldn’t help it, it was in her nature to suspect me but she
couldn’t disregard the evidence before her.
Slowly she let me pick the cups; let me help her, always with hate in her
eyes. Never once in all that time
did I think she might learn to love me, or even care for me, she simply accepted
the situation and let it take its course. And
me? Well I never deviated from my plan, a few years of that could never make up
for the years of pain and hate she had put me through, never! I held firm and
when I guessed the time was right implemented my plan.
You
probably think I’m heartless and cold, how could anyone kill their own mother?
Well you are not in my shoes and you did not have to face her bitching
and hatred every day of your life. And
as I have already said I was my mothers daughter, and I could be as cold and
heartless as she was. I knew what I
wanted and I got it. It’s that
simple, she got in the way and would have ruined me given half the chance!
I
think it was this single act of power driven desire that brought me to their
attention. My cold-hearted, and
thoroughly planned murder of my own mother.
It was then I feel that I was chosen to take the next step, to live
forever and plan the fall of the enemy as vigilantly and remorselessly as I had
my own. My single minded desire for
power at any cost, my ability to plan in years rather than months.
Who knows exactly what they saw in me, maybe they’ve been watching me
much longer, I don’t know. All I know is that I’ve lost my humanity in the search for
eternal power, and that’s what I intend to do people, gain power for myself
above all, power for my clan, and thirdly power for my sect.