January 1, 2004

Resolutions are for the Timid

      It's me again.  It's two in the morning.  You know, I've never been able 
to stay up this long?  I'm a morning person, really.  It's funny because all my 
closest friends - and obviously my fianc, - are all night owls.  It's crazy for 
me to be up right now, you know?  I should be tucked away, reenergizing myself 
for the day ahead.  

      But I suddenly had a revelation and I feel I need to share it with you.  I 
have to do it now if I'm gonna do it though.  There's something about the night, 
something about exhaustion that unleashes those hidden thoughts and feelings.  
You know, those hidden parts of the mind that you work so hard to shut up and 
out so that you can smile when some asshole says something horrible to you.  
It's the part of you that really does want to smash a full bottle of vodka into 
their face, taking the time to rub the shards in so that as the glass rips and 
destroys the muscles that allow them to laugh at you, the alcohol will ensure a 
good, long burn.  I'm going to stop there though, 'cause if I continue in that 
particular vein, my mind's gonna take it to a REALLY scary place that you 
probably wouldn't want to go with me.
      
      So where was I?  Ah yes, the revelation.  I suddenly feel as if I have 
been sleeping the majority of my life away.  To no avail mind you.  There's so 
much to be done after all.  Why am I sleeping?  Why am I waiting?  What the heck 
am I so afraid of??  Is it the opinions of those around me?  Nah...  Someone 
once told me that opinions are like assholes.  Everyone's got one and nobody 
thinks theirs stinks.  What is it then?  Practicality has never been a 
strongpoint of mine.  Oh sure, I work at it, have slaved at it from time to 
time.  But I get the feeling I was never meant to be very good at it.  Fear 
stops me, but what have I got to be afraid of?  The worse that can happen is 
someone says 'no', the worst case scenario is that it turns out I was wrong.  Is 
that really so bad?
      
      See, I wanna be someone.  I'm not talking in the 'go army' type of way, 
though I am by no means knocking it if that's what you want.  Someone stroked my 
ego a little today (I'd say that it burned, but then some butt-munch out there 
would say that it wasn't done right and I'd say that's entirely a matter of 
opinion and that would lead to a whole 'nother discussion I really don't wanna 
get into right now).  I just got this crazy notion in my head that maybe I am 
capable of doing something wonderful.  That maybe there's more for me than to 
watch others and help them when I can.  I am an act of God.  Everyone is, 
believe it or not.  Now the question is, what have I chosen to do about it?  The 
act is meant to interact with other acts to create an action that can move the 
world.  
      
      Did that make any sense?
      
      I want to be a force.  I want to learn to be a formidable force.  I want 
to move mountains and test the limits of my resolve.  I want to scream and run 
and go farther than I have ever gone before in any aspect of my life.  I want to 
make things better, not only for myself but for those around me - friend or foe.  
I want to start living my life in such a way that I can feel proud of myself 
every single day.  Maybe I'll wake up tomorrow and think to myself 'thank God I 
never showed this to anyone', but let me say it first before I make that 
decision.  I can't keep standing around sucking snot.  
      
      I'm somebody, damnit!  I'm a voice.  One of many, yes it's true, but my 
voice has one distinguishing characteristic: it is mine.  It's mine to use in 
any way I see fit, it can wail, scream, cry, teach.  You have the same right, 
you know.  You can use your voice your way as well, no one's stopping you but 
you.  And that's the truth too.  Beyond the faith organization, family, co-
workers, mind-altering substances, and anything else you can think of that 
equals the reason(s) you can't just say it - whatever 'it' may be - you are the 
owner of your voice.  No one can take that away from you.  Well God could, but 
in His infinite wisdom gave us the choice.  I am much more than just some 
disembodied voice by the way (arms, legs, cartilage not withstanding).  But part 
of what makes me _me_ is the voice that is my own.  I can do with it what I 
please.  
      
      I'm just tired of waiting for something to start me off.  Some signal to 
say I'm ready or I can go now.  I have been given the ability to do great 
things.  God gave me the right to do it.  I choose to do it today.  It has to 
start somewhere right?  Motivation supplied or no, at some point I have to stop 
resolving to do it and fucking DO it, right?  And yes, there will be those that 
think I'm crazy or putting on a show.  There'll be those that tell me that I'll 
grow out of this phase - hopefully before I lose myself in it or hurt my chances 
at a future.  There will be those that try to talk me out of it.  Those that 
present me with a million and one reasons why I'm wrong, why it's futile to even 
try (Senie's been playing with the thesaurus again...)   But the worse of the 
'them' I'm talking about will be the ones that say nothing.  The ones that will 
sit back, watch, and wait.  You know, to see if I've got the (insert body organs 
as you see fit) to do it or if I will fail.  They will not laugh and jeer, but 
they will also offer no counsel or comfort to me.  Impartial, judging bastards! 
What gives them the right-  But that's not important either.
      
      They will wait, never taking a stand.  And they are useless to me.  I have 
to make myself get beyond all that 'on the fence' bs.  I have a mission.  No one 
in this world fully understands the importance of the task I have set before 
myself and I don't think even I realize just how far-reaching my decision is.  
It will take more than one year to establish, all of my courage and 
determination and then some.  
      
      This isn't about one thing or one set of things, by the way.  I have a 
whole entire life that I'm living and this applies to a whole host of pieces of 
it.  I'm more than my relationships. I'm more than my church.  I'm more than my 
job or school or money.  I'm more than my ambitions or drives or urges.  I'm 
more than the triumphs and defeats that await me.  I'm more than pain and joy.  
      
      I'm me.  I don't know, maybe this is just '8 Mile' or 'Fight Club' talk.  
You know, it's funny.  I've written something like this before.  I was so pissed 
that everyone around thought they were so much better at determining my path 
when not a one of them would have had to walk that path but me...  I believe my 
thoughts ran something like this.
      
		'I've had this mysterious 'them' tell me lots of things I was 
		doing or planning on doing were stupid or crazy or would blow up 
		in my face since my life decided to become 'interesting' on me.  
		I can only say this on the matter: there hasn't been a low I 
		couldn't recover from with prayer and hard work, and there 
		hasn't been a high I haven't reached without prayer and daring.'

		'I don't know, maybe this is all '8 Mile' or 'Fight Club' talk.  
		Maybe I'm full of shit.  Maybe I'll go to sleep tonight, wake up 
		tomorrow, and thank God that no one knows about this document so 
		that the full depth of my humiliation will never be known.'

	Oops...  I guess you know about it now.  


	Oh, and don't worry.  F3ar.  You'll be hearing from me again.




Lady Senie [CreatorAtWork@yahoo.com]