I'm 23 years old and just a little bit sick of having
everyone tell me what I can and cannot do.  I mean, I've gotten my
college degree, met a guy that I love and who loves me, successfully
figured out what I want to do with my life if not how I'm going to
get it done, and made a firm commitment to myself and my God.  So
what's the problem?

	People tell me that I'm wrong to feel the way I do.  They say
that I have to get my heart out of the equation when it comes to my
future or I will never get anywhere in this life.  They say I will
fail.  They say I'll wake up from these crazy dreams someday,
hopefully soon before my dreams destroy me.  They say that They'll
let me keep talking because They know I'm too afraid, too terrified
of failure or of simply being wrong to take a chance.  That in the
end, I won't do anything.


	They are wrong.


	I can't take my heart out of any life equation I come up
with: it's my heart that's guided me thus far.  And understanding
that I've matched my heart against the world and lost once, I fully
intend to do it again.  The difference is that the next time it won't
just be my heart leading me.  See, I have a formidable mind.  It may
not always grasp concepts that are staples of Reality, but I
understand things about my world and myself that reveals Reality for
what it truly is: irrelevent.  The next time I will put my heart AND
mind into this fight.  The next time Reality will be left with no
doubt that I am a force to be reckoned with.

	And as for the rest of it...  I will go where ever the fuck I
want to go with whomever the fuck I want.  I don't recall signing
over my God-given right to live my life any way I damn well please to
anyone.  I can and will do whatever I deem necessary to acheive the
gols that I have set for myself.  AND I'm big and bad enough to
accept any and all consequences of my choices.  That's something that
separates me from the majority of this mysterious 'they' that
constantly surrounds me.  I was taught as a child that with freedom
comes responsibility.  It's one of the many lessons that stuck.  So
I'm walking into this with my eyes wide open, knowing the risks and
rewards, and if it turns out that I really AM making the biggest
mistake of my life as most of Them have decided, then so be it.

	I've had Them tell me lots of things I was doing or planning
on doing were stupid or crazy or would blow up in my face since my
life decided to become 'interesting' on me.  I can only say this on
the matter: there hasn't been a low I couldn't recover from with
prayer and hard work, and there hasn't been a high I haven't reached
without prayer and daring.

	I don't know, maybe this is all '8 Mile' or 'Fight Club'
talk.  Maybe I'm full of shit.  Maybe I'll go to sleep tonight, wake
up tomorrow, and thank God that no one knows about this document so
that the full depth of my humiliation will never be known.


	No.  This is me serving notice on Them.  I may not know
exactly what I'll be doing or where I'll be going from here.  But I
do know that this is my breaking point.  I'm so sick of letting the
words of the foolish affect me.  People are full of shit and they
will always think they know what's best for me.  Fuck 'em - They have
yet to get it right.

	I will, however, grudgingly admit that They are right about
one thing.  I _am_ afraid.  I'm afraid of what my future may or may
not hold.  I'm afraid of picking the wrong way out of fear.  I'm
afraid that fear will annilhilate my spirit before Reality ever gets
a chance to.  And I'm afraid that I'll choke under all the pressure
They are putting on me to 'get it right'.

	But who gives a fuck if I'm afraid?  Despite what they think,
fear can drive me just as well as it can stop me.  And this time, it
will not keep me from doing what needs to be done.  It's time for me
to stop talking and start doing.  It will starts small: little things
I should have been doing all along but kept putting off; things that
I've held off on for fear's sake.  And They will have plenty to say
about each of these little things: some will say that I'm finally
coming to my senses, others will know better and continue to doubt
and laugh.  And then there will be those that will shut up, wait, and
watch.  Whether They are content to wait for me to fall in silence or
interested in knowing if I can actually pull it off doesn't matter.
They will offer no criticism or rebuke, but they will also have no
helpful advice or comfort for me.  Fuck them too.  I don't have time
for that 'on the fence' bullshit.  They can laugh, tease, or watch
all they want.


       But soon They will all know just how wrong They were about me.





"You better not lose yourself in the music, the moment, you own it -
you better never let it go.  You only get one shot, you can't miss
this chance or blow this opportunity, one shot in a lifetime."
				-Eminem, "Lose Yourself"