July 25, 2006

When Do I Get to Stop Feeling Like a Child?

	When exactly does maturity kick in anyway?  And I'm asking in a serious, 
'I want a real answer' type of capacity here.  It's a question that's only been 
bothering me for the last couple of days or so, but I figured maybe if I write 
some of this stuff in my head out I can somehow approach a satisfying answer.  
After all, the human mind is capable of great things, but works best when the 
ideas flow instead of getting all tangled up in thought processes.

	Anyone who understood that last bit should probably put in for a psych 
evaluation.  I know I am.

	But meanwhile back at the topic, I was exercising the other day - 
something I've become quite good at as of late to my utter surprise ? when it 
suddenly hit me that I'm actually approaching 30 years of age.  Which freaks 
millions out everyday, but here's the thing ? I don't feel it.  I have lived 
this extraordinarily blessed life ? showered with blessings and pains other 
people will never know ? and yet, it still feels like I'm a kid.  It's 
ridiculous that I can still feel so ill-prepared for a life that I'm already 
living.  The most amazing things have happened and when I tell others about it, 
it never feels real.  And I can't seem to get over that one fact at all lately.  
I'm a 27-year-old and I kind of feel like I'm 18 and waiting for something to 
happen.  It's anyone's guess what that 'what' is, by the way.

	It just feels like somewhere along the way, I missed the 'how to be a 
successful adult' course.  Hell, I still act like a child, am still treated like 
a child half the time.  And I'm not sure if it should bother me or if it's just 
the way my life's supposed to be.  And should I rejoice over that?  As the 
female version of Peter Pan should it thrill me that I still don't feel like an 
adult after almost three decades of living on the planet?  Does anyone out there 
have an answer for me, or am I just crazy and alone in this thing?

	Is there a special date when the power of being in control suddenly kicks 
in?  Maybe I skipped that part of Numbers.  But in my defence, it is one of the 
dullest books in the Bible (Literally, its a head count of every tribe in Israel 
? men 50 and up, men 3 months to 50 years, how many animals each tribe had, etc, 
etc...).  Maybe there was a passage that said: 'And lo, on thou __ year, the 
Lord shalt empart the secret of maturity onto all of His children.'  Will I feel 
it when I hold my first child in my arms? When I finally face the things I left 
behind that still plague and/or haunt me? When I watch this imaginary child of 
mine graduate?

	Maybe I'll never feel like a proper adult.  I just don't know how to feel 
about that at all.

Senie (CreatorAtWork@yahoo.com)