I don't wanna grow up anymore.

	I just now realize how wrong I was as a kid.  So responsible,
so determined to do the 'right' thing; to think things through...  It
makes me physically ill to remember what a good little girl I was.
And now here I am, trying to get it all back.

	See, they never tell you about the flip-side of
responsibility.  They never tell you that you don't get to store up
all the chances you had to do stupid stuff and use them later.  They
never tell you about the second guessing you start doing once the
world begins to expect nothing BUT responsibility from you.  And they
certainly never tell you about the regrets that linger about the
edges of your reminescence.  It's not always there, but it creeps up
on you every once in a while; threatening to turn you into a bitter,
twisted person or drive you mad.

	Or, hey, maybe they did tell us about all of these things,
and I just missed the memo.  Maybe I was sick that day or so busy
scribbling notes for class that I miss those surly whispers of
warning.

	What ever happened to the 'do-over' anyway?  Weren't we all
told as children that if something went seriously wrong, we could
just go back and start over from that point?  You know, make it all
so it never happened?

	I was lied to by my boardgames and books.

	I shouldn't be so bitter, but I'm really feeling my age right
now.  I'm feeling the weight of maturity and I'm struggling under it
right now.  I want my chance to screw up and not have to worry about
it back.  But it's much too late for that now.

	And, saddest irony of all, if such an opportunity was
afforded me right now, I wouldn't - couldn't - take it.  I would be
too afraid of what would happen if I strayed from the 'straight and
narrow'.  I'm a coward, I know that, but I'm too weak to change my
ways now.  It sucks, but there it is.  I've been trained well in the
ways of fearing God's wrath.  So I cry and bitch and sob and write
and try to pray for an accepting heart knowing that I only half mean
it.  And I hate myself all the more for that.