I have something to do.  Something so sweet, so unexpected
coming from me...  It's so fuckin  beautiful just how much genius
went into this little scheme of mine.  It's the smart thing to do,
the ONLY thing to do given my current situation.

	And I don't want to do it.

	I am so sick of being mature about this!  I'm sick and tired
of having to do the 'adult' thing, the 'intelligent' thing.  Maybe
I'm just mourning the millions of mature decisions that made up my
pitiful excuse for a childhood.  God, you know, sometimes I look back
on my high school and college days and I shudder?  Where are all the
tales of drunken revelry and infamous pranks?  I mean, what will I be
able to tell my offspring about life before the year 2000 besides 'I
hated almost every minute of it and often wished I were dead'?  There
are times when I truly feel nothing but sorrow and pity for whatever
poor child will end up with me for a mother.  I've even entertained
the option of saving up for the mountain of therapy bills I'm sure
each of my children will someday have.  Shit, maybe a hysterectomy
really IS the only way.  But I digress.

	I'm tired of fighting with my brain against my heart.  So
what if it would screw me over in the long run to do the wrong thing
just this once?  I could die tomorrow and it wouldn't make one single
bit of difference what I had been 'trying' or 'planning' to do.  Only
what I had actually gotten off my lazy ass and DONE would be
remembered.

	See, and now I'm doing it again!  Making excuses; trying to
justify my wanting to act like a spoiled brat and do what I wanna do
instead of what I should do.  This is nuts.  I hate when I do this!
I feel like standing in front of a mirror and screaming at myself to
fucking stop it.  That if I want to be a brat, then I should be a
brat and just shut up about it.




	But I won't.  I know I won't go find that mirror and that
disgusts me the most.  I am going to go through with my irritatingly
perfect plan, the one that makes me wanna puke every time I think
about it.  All the time that will be wasted.  All the savings to be
had.  All the bills that will be paid.  All the career opportunities
that it will present once completed.  How much I will miss out on in
the meantime.

	I make me sick sometimes.