Between a rock and hard place
by Lady of Asheru

Rating:  PG13     Pairing: Jack/Daniel    Category: Challenge fic (slash, angst)

Date: August 2002    Status: Complete    Series:  No   

Season/Spoilers: Up to end season 5 but particularly “100 Days”

Synopsis:  The events of "100 Days" lead to some difficult choices

Notes: Written in response to the Alpha Gate challenge "Between a Rock and a Hard Place." Dedicated to the endlessly inventive Quercus – it wasn’t the story you asked for, but I am working on that…! Thank you to Sheryl for clever beta and unstinting encouragement, and to Quercus for kindly saving me from a few obvious goofs - where would I be without you!!! 

Warnings: It’s angsty in places, but you know me… nothing really terrible happens. Occasional swearing is also par for the course.

Disclaimer:  Only mine in my dreams

 Between a rock and a hard place

 The sound of the telephone summoned Jack back to life like the Resurrection clarion call. Beside him, Daniel groaned and reached out limply for the handset, before remembering where he was and letting his hand drop. Jack crawled over his protesting body, making shushing noises as he scrabbled in the dark for the receiver. 

 “Jack O’Neill,” he said, looking blearily at the clock. 1 a.m.  Damn, they’d only had 2 hours’ sleep.

 “Colonel, it’s Janet Fraiser. I’m sorry to disturb you in the middle of the night, but I think you’d better get back to the mountain as soon as you can.”

 “What’s the problem – is anyone hurt?”  Jack’s mind was already running through the possibilities, ticking off the teams that had checked in the day before.

 “I’d rather explain when you get here,” said Janet, her voice calm but firm.

 “I’m on my way,” said Jack, putting the phone back in its cradle and switching on the bedside light.

 “What’s happening?” said Daniel, blinking up at him.

 “Gotta go back to the SGC,” said Jack, kissing him briefly on the forehead before rolling back over to his side of the bed and throwing off the covers.

 “We only just left,” said Daniel, plaintively.

 “You’d better check your cell phone, but I think Janet wanted me, not you,” said Jack, pulling a clean uniform out of the closet.

 “Where are my pants?” asked Daniel, still half asleep. Jack picked them up and tossed them onto the bed and Daniel fished his cell phone out of his pocket. “Nope, no calls. Jesus, it’s 1 a.m.”

 “Go back to sleep,” said Jack, pulling a shirt over his head. “I’ll call you if I need you.”

 Daniel fell back against the pillows, putting the cell phone on the bedside table with a sigh. He looked utterly exhausted, the strain of the last mission etched on his face. He reached out a hand as Jack finished dressing, pulling him in for another kiss. “I’ll keep the bed warm,” Daniel murmured into Jack’s mouth, making him smile.

 “You do that,” replied Jack, dropping one last kiss on Daniel’s mouth, and then heading for the door.

 As Jack reversed his truck out of the drive, he waited for his bedroom light to go off, signifying Daniel’s return to sleep. Sighing, he put the truck into gear and headed towards the mountain. At least one of them was going get a full night’s rest.

 The streets were empty, and when he rolled down his window he could just hear the sound of church bells striking the half hour in the distance. Half way between night and day, between worlds. He was so tired everything seemed to have an electrical aura, the white outlines of fences tinged with green. As he got nearer to the mountain he replayed his conversation with Janet in his mind, like a detective trying to figure out the location of a kidnap victim from the background noises.  She had called from the infirmary, he was sure of it, which meant that someone, or something, was injured or sick, and for some reason he alone was needed. It didn’t make sense – his lack of bedside manner was legendary.

 The sentry waved him through into the dark tunnel into the SGC, stars quickly replaced by overhead lights. Moments later he drew up at the main entrance where Janet was already waiting for him, alerted no doubt by the perimeter guards. Jack jumped out of the truck and slammed the door, walking up to her.

 “I’m sorry to do this to you, Colonel, I know you’ve only just got back,” said Janet, her natural warmth softening her professional tone.

 “Just tell me what I’m here for,” said Jack, falling into step beside her as they passed through the doors into the SGC.

 “We had a distress call from Edora,” Janet replied.

 Jack drew in a sharp breath.  It had been 18 months since he’d last set foot on the planet, and then he’d only stayed long enough to dial out again. He’d never made good on his promise to Laira to return – in the end it had been SG9 who had negotiated the treaty, and SG11 who set up mining operations. In the two years since his enforced stay, he’d found one reason after another not to go back, all of them entirely reasonable. His memories of Laira had faded until they seemed to belong to someone else, and he had been a different person then, before Daniel. Still, he owed them – Laira – a debt, one that he was pretty certain he had not been able to pay off. Jack realized Janet was looking at him intently, and wondered how much of what he had been thinking had been visible on his face.

 “What can we do to help?” asked Jack, all business, expecting to hear of a mining accident, or worse than that a Goa’uld incursion.

 Janet reached out as they walked and briefly touched her hand to his shoulder. “It’s Laira – her son is very sick.”

 “Garren? What’s wrong with him?” asked Jack.

 “No, she has another son.” Janet stopped, and turned to look directly at him. Jack looked at her blankly, dimly aware that he was missing something important.

 “She says that you are the boy’s father.”

 “Jesus!” said Jack, falling back against the corridor wall. And of course he should have been expecting it – it was what Laira had asked him for after all. But he had been so sure it wouldn’t be possible, it had taken so long for Sara to conceive….and no, he wasn’t going to think about that now. About him. But dear god, a son.

 “What’s the matter with him?” whispered Jack, his mouth dry as ashes.

 “He’s got a bronchial infection. The base doctor gave him a shot of antibiotics, but he’s not out of the woods yet.  We’ve got him in intensive care in the infirmary and we’re doing everything we can.” Janet at her most reassuring was strangely not reassuring at all.

 “Is Laira here?” Jack asked, pushing himself away from the wall and starting off ahead of Janet.

 “Yes,” said Janet, catching up with him. “She asked for you.”

 They walked into the infirmary together, down to the far end where Laira was standing looking through the glass window into the intensive care unit. She looked so lost, so afraid, that Jack opened his arms without thinking and she fell into them, holding on to him fiercely. She seemed very soft and small, tucking her head into his shoulder.

 “I know, I know,” murmured Jack. “He’s going to be all right.”

 Janet caught his eye over Laira’s head, and left them alone, reappearing a moment later in the room below.

 “You’re here,” said Laira, her voice muffled against his shoulder. “It’s been so long.”

 “I’ve been… a lot’s happened,” said Jack, remorse rising to his mouth like bile. “You never told me…what did you call him?”

 “Stefan,” said Laira, pulling back from him slightly to look him in the eyes. “I wasn’t sure you would want to know.”

 “Of course I would want to know,” said Jack, letting indignation ride over any more complicated feelings. “Janet said…you told her he’s my son.”

 Laira nodded, pulling away from him completely to stand in front of the window again. Jack stood beside her and said nothing, and after a while she leaned into him again, their arms barely touching. They stood like that for a long time, in silence, watching the little figure in the bed below. The child seemed so far away, and tiny, far too small to exert such a powerful grip on his heart. His son.

After keeping vigil all night, Janet finally declared Stefan out of danger, though she insisted on keeping him under observation for another 24 hours. Laira crawled into the nearest infirmary bed to try to get a few hours’ rest, and Jack headed to the commissary in search of coffee.

 It was 9 am, and Daniel would be awake soon, wondering why Jack still had not returned when they were meant to have the weekend off. Jack had absolutely no idea what he was going to say to him. He had a son – one that he had not been able to pick up and hold yet, but his none the less. He should feel elated, overjoyed, and part of him did, but now the immediate threat of losing him was past he also felt…trapped.  He had no choice about it; he would love Stefan unconditionally, his penance and reward for bringing him into the world.  All the other pictures on his mantelpiece would have to be rearranged to give him pride of place.

 The harder question was what he would do if Laira wanted him to marry her, to give up Daniel for the sake of the child. He could not hide from the fact that he had never loved her, not with the youthful passion he had felt for Sara, nor the bone deep sense of homecoming he had experienced with Daniel.  And could he really leave Daniel now, after all they had been through? Jack felt a physical pain in his chest just thinking about it. Between a rock and hard place, wanting to do right by everybody and knowing it was impossible.  Nobody gets left behind, a little voice in his head reminded him. But the truth of it was, everyone gets left behind in the end.

A concerned voice interrupted his thoughts. He looked up, startled, and found that Teal’c had taken the chair opposite him.

  “You appear troubled, Colonel O’Neill,” remarked Teal’c, calmly buttering his toast.

 God bless Teal’c, and his unerring ability to watch his six. Jack sighed heavily. “How do you do it, Teal’c?” he asked. Teal’c looked uncertainly down at his butter knife, and then decided that was not what Jack was asking.

 “How do I do what?” said Teal’c.

 “Leave your family – Rya’c – behind and work with us?”

 Teal’c put his toast down and considered this. “I believe it is necessary, if my son and others like him are one day to be free.”

 “But you must miss him,” said Jack, realising that they had never talked about this before.

 “It has always been my fervent wish that my son be at my side,” said Teal’c. “But that time is not yet.” Teal’c looked at him closely. “Why do you ask this now O’Neill? Are you thinking of sending me back to Chulak?”

 “No! God, no, Teal’c, we’d be lost without you,” said Jack. “It’s just…” Jack ran his fingers nervously through his hair. There was no easy way to say this. “I’ve discovered I have a son.”

 Teal’c looked completely confused. “You had a son,” he said, gently stressing the past tense.

 Jack let out a sigh of frustration. He leaned forward across the table, needing Teal’c to understand. “No, another son. From when I was stranded on Edora, before you came to dig me out.”

 “Ah,” said Teal’c. “Laira, was it not?”

 “Yes,” said Jack, subsiding back into his chair.

 “You do not appear pleased about this,” said Teal’c, tilting his head to one side.

 “I am… and I’m not. It’s kinda complicated,” said Jack.

 “Indeed,” said Teal’c, noncommittally. Jack looked at him, but he really could not tell whether Teal’c approved or disapproved. Worse than talking to a therapist – at least a priest would have given him a hard time. And right now he wanted to be judged, for someone to tell him what was The Right Thing To Do.

 Jack’s cell phone bleeped. He knew without looking that it would be Daniel. He resisted the temptation not to answer it, knowing that Daniel would only worry if he didn’t.

 “Yeah,” he said, turning slightly away from Teal’c. Daniel sounded as though he’d just woken up.

 “I’m going to be stuck here for the rest of the day – why don’t you come over to my place this evening? No, everything’s OK, I’ll explain when I see you,” Jack said hurriedly, cutting the connection before Daniel could ask anything else. He wondered just how good the Jaffa’s hearing was, and whether he had recognized Daniel’s voice from across the table. If he had, he wasn’t letting on. Jack drained the last of his cup and stood up to leave.

 “Catch you later, Teal’c,” he said, patting him on the shoulder. Teal’c let him go without further comment.

 When he got back to the infirmary Laira was awake, and back at her position in front of the glass window. The day shift had come on, and the lights had been turned up, throwing the shadows under her eyes into sharp relief.  He walked over to her and put an arm around her shoulders.

 “Will you come back to Edora with us?” asked Laira softly.

 Jack stiffened, dropping his arm back down to his side. “It’s not that easy,” he said.

 “Just for a few days, surely they can spare you that long. Janet says we can go home tomorrow,” said Laira turning to him, her eyes very bright. “There are things we should talk about, you and I,” she added, “and I don’t think this is the place for them.”

 She was right of course, but it still felt too soon, he hadn’t worked anything out yet. “I’ll speak to General Hammond, ask for leave,” said Jack. And wasn’t that going to be a fun conversation.

Later that afternoon, Jack finally made it home, after getting Hammond’s blessing to go to Edora provided he checked out the mining operations while he was there.  Laira had seemed quietly pleased, and Janet had been positively approving. Now the only thing on his mind was how much sleep he could get before Daniel showed up. He let himself in and found a note from Daniel on the hallstand saying that he’d be over at eight.  He kicked off his boots and headed straight upstairs to bed, not even bothering to take his clothes off before passing out cold on top of the covers.

 He was awoken by the sensation of the bed dipping as Daniel lay down behind him.  The room had become dark, lit only by starlight through the window.

 “Hey, sleeping beauty, supper’s nearly ready,” whispered Daniel in his ear. Jack rolled over, pulling him into a close embrace. The stark contrast between the strength and weight of Daniel’s arms around him and the soft pliant curves of Laira drew him back to unwelcome reality with a start.

 “What is it?” asked Daniel, stroking his back. “Did they ask you to single-handedly save the planet again?”

 “No, that’s your job,” said Jack, smiling.

 “Have you been talking to that nice Colonel Maybourne? Or offering to try out untested Tok’ra toys?”

 “No, and no,” said Jack, pushing his face into the perfect hollow between Daniel’s neck and shoulder. “I’ll tell you over supper – let me have a shower first.”

 “Ok, be mysterious,” said Daniel, kissing the top of Jack’s head before unwinding himself. “I’ll go and check the casserole.”

 Jack felt better after a shower. Almost human, if still a bit blurred round the edges. He pulled up a chair at the kitchen table and allowed Daniel to pour him a glass of wine. One of Daniel’s many talents was the ability to piece together ingredients into something completely unexpected, and he was particularly good at stews and casseroles. Jack broke off a piece of bread and wondered where to start.

 “Do you ever wonder what Shifu’s up to now?” he asked.

 Daniel lifted the casserole out of the oven and put it on the table between them before replying.” Sometimes, I guess. It’s pretty hard to imagine,” Daniel said, cautiously.

 “Do you ever wish things had been different, that he’d just been a normal boy?” asked Jack, holding out his plate to Daniel. Daniel took the lid off the casserole and spooned some onto the plate.

 “When I held him, as a baby, I wished that he was mine – or rather mine and Sha’re’s,” Daniel admitted, quietly. “But he is who is, and I’ve learned to accept that.”

 Jack reached across the table and took Daniel’s hand in his. “Do you miss him?”

 Daniel swallowed. “He’s…better off with Oma, where he’s safe.” He looked up at Jack. “What made you think of this?”

 “Laira came to the SGC yesterday,” said Jack. Daniel frowned, trying to place the name.

 “Edora,” he said. Jack nodded. “Ah,” said Daniel, and let go of Jack’s hand.

 “She’s had a son,” said Jack, forcing himself to say the words. “She says he’s mine.”

 The colour drained from Daniel’s face, but he merely nodded.

 “She brought him to the SGC because he was sick,” said Jack. “He’s called Stefan.”

 “Is he going to be all right?” asked Daniel.

 “Janet thinks so, but it was a close call.”

 “What are you going to do?” asked Daniel quietly, looking down at his plate.

 “I don’t know,” said Jack. “I’m going to go back with them to Edora for a few days to try to sort it out.”

 “Oh, um, I see,” said Daniel pushing his plate away. “Well, I guess you’ll have a lot to organise.” He stood up, looking around blindly for his jacket.

 “Daniel...please. Don’t,” said Jack, pleading. But Daniel was already heading for the front door. Jack pushed his own chair back, hearing it fall, and caught Daniel in the hall, grabbing his shoulders and forcing him to turn round.

 “It’s Ok,” said Daniel. His face was shuttered, his body stiff, holding himself away from Jack. “You have to do what you think best.”

 “I don’t know what to do,” said Jack, anguished. “When I was with Laira, I thought I was never going to see earth again. I had no idea…”

 “Are you in love with her?” asked Daniel.

 “I care about her,” Jack answered, wanting to be completely honest. “Maybe I could have come to love her over time, but no. I’m in love with you, Daniel.”

 Some of the tension went out of Daniel’s body, but he still held himself apart.  “I’m never going to be able to offer you a normal family life, Jack.”

 “Ah, Daniel,” said Jack, feeling his heart constrict. “Is that what you think I want?”

 “I don’t know, Jack. And neither, I think, do you,” said Daniel sadly, shrugging himself out of Jack’s grip and opening the door. And there was nothing to do but watch him go out into the night, the tail lights of his car gradually fading into the distance.

 The next morning Jack walked into the infirmary to find Laira sitting on one of the beds, holding a sleepy Stefan in her arms. Laira beckoned him over to join them and he stood next to the bed, feeling unaccountably nervous.

 “Hey, little fella, we’ve been worried about you,” said Jack, softly, leaning down until his face was level with Stefan’s. Stefan snuffled and curled closer into Laira’s arms. He tried to remember what Charlie had looked like at that age, and felt a moment’s panic when he could not. He’d buried the memories so deep, he must have forgotten where he’d put them. And maybe that was for the best. He straightened up, smiling at Laira.

 Laira smiled back at him. “You two can get properly acquainted later. Janet says we’re free to go, and I am eager to get back home.”

 “Let’s go then,” said Jack, picking up her bag in addition to his own.

 When they got back to Laira’s village later that morning, Jack was surprised by just how much had changed – a result of the treaty no doubt. Many of the houses had new roofs and bigger outbuildings, and there was even what looked like a bar in the center, brightly painted and welcoming. Laira pointed out a library, and a new school, and the local office for the mining operations. Now that she had him here, she seemed as reluctant as he was to talk, and let him head off to the mining office without comment, only asking him to be home in time for supper.

 And it was something of a relief to meet up with the base staff, and let them show him proudly round their plant. They’d had a few problems, but nothing they had not been able to figure out. Gradually they’d started employing more and more of the Edorans, fitting the work in around farming seasons, helping out with the harvest in exchange for overtime in the plant in winter.  SG staff worked on 6 months’ secondments, but a few had grown to like it so much they’d opted to stay permanently, one of them running the bar Jack had seen earlier. It was encouraging – an example of a treaty working well for once – and Jack was in a much better mood by the time he said his farewells, heading out for a solitary walk before suppertime.

 He followed the path from memory, up to the rocky outcrop where Laira had first taken them to see the fire rain, two years ago. Finding a smooth patch of earth, he sat down to watch the sunset over the bay.

 Fire rain. That was what had started this whole thing. The movement of the planet through an asteroid belt, an astrological pas de deux where the principal dancers got too close for comfort. He remembered Laira saying that the fire rain was the tears of her ancestors, longing to be reunited, and Daniel telling her about some ancient Chinese myth where two lovelorn stars could only cross each other’s path once a year. He’d recited a haiku, which had somehow stuck in Jack’s mind all this time:

 Cry not, insects

For even stars in love

Must endure separation

 Slowly the sun set, and the outline of the two moons appeared faintly up above. Daniel, and Laira. Edora, and earth.  It wasn’t a decision that was his alone to make, and sitting on this rock wasn’t going to provide any answers. Resolutely, he got to his feet and headed back down into the village.

Laira’s house, at least, was much as he remembered it, save that Garren’s room was now Stefan’s, Garren and Naitha having married and set up on their own. He poked his head round the door, but Stefan was fast asleep.  Laira came and looked over his shoulder.

“How’s he doing?” asked Jack.

“He seems fine, the ancestors willing,” said Laira with a smile. She headed back into the kitchen and he followed, sitting down in the chair he always used to sit in and noticing someone else’s jacket draped over it.

Laira put a joint of cold meat on the table and he started to carve off slices, glad of something to do. Laira pulled a loaf of bread out of the oven and put it on the table to cool, before setting some salad onto two plates and putting them down between them.

“So whose jacket is this?” asked Jack, reaching behind to grab a sleeve. To his surprise, Laira dipped her head and blushed.

“Ah ha,” said Jack, feeling his face break out into a grin.

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” said Laira, reaching out to cut a few slices of bread. She seemed to be having trouble meeting his eye.

“Whatever you want to tell me, it’s all right,” said Jack, feeling the world turn upside down for the second time in as many days.

“Stefan is your son, and I want you to be a part of his life if you want to,” said Laira slowly, offering a piece of bread.

“Of course I do,” said Jack, accepting the bread.

“And you know that I care for you, and always will,” said Laira, this time looking directly at him, her eyes warm.

“And I care about you,” said Jack.

“But you always made it very clear that there was part of you which would never be happy in Edora. And I want you to be happy,” said Laira.

Jack put his knife and fork down, remembering suddenly what it must have cost her to hand him back his radio, knowing that he would leave. He did not know what he had done to deserve that kind of caring. As he had done with Daniel, he reached across the table and took one of her hands in his. Her fingers felt cool in his grip.

“You gave me what I wanted, Jack,” said Laira. “And now I’ve found someone else who wants what I can give.”

“Who?” asked Jack, and suddenly had a flash of inspiration. “Haynan.”

Laira looked up, startled, then smiled. “He’s a good man, Jack. And he loves Stefan as if he were his own. He wanted to come with me to the SGC, but I would not let him.”

“He’s a lucky man,” said Jack.

“Oh, I think I’m the lucky one,” said Laira. “After my husband died, I never thought I would have a family again, yet here I am,” and though she was smiling, a tear rolled slowly down her cheek.

Jack got up out of his chair and walked round the table to her, kneeling down by her side and pulling her into a hug.

“Laira, I am so happy for you,” he said.

“I was worried… I did not know what you would think,” murmured Laira.

“We should have talked sooner,” said Jack. “And I hope you haven’t thrown Haynan out just because I’m here!”

Laira made a sound that was half way between a sob and a laugh and pulled away to wipe her eyes.  “I should imagine he’s sitting in his log shed, sulking.”

Jack smiled at her crookedly. “I wouldn’t want to piss off a man with an axe – I think we ought to ask him over later.”

Laira smiled back at him, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “Good. You can go and find him after supper.”

Jack got up and walked back to his seat, his heart lighter than it had been for days.

“So, tell me all about Garren’s wedding, I want all the details,” he said, and suddenly it was easy, the easiest thing in the world to sit at the kitchen table, talking with an old friend, his child safely asleep in the next room.

It was very late when Jack got back to the SGC a few days’ later.  Haynan had poured him a fortifying cup of his rotgut brew for the journey, which actually made a surprisingly good muscle relaxant. He wondered briefly if he was really fit to drive, but decided to risk it. He had a conversation to finish with Daniel.  When he got to Daniel’s flat he was surprised to see the light still on, and he paused in the street below. Perhaps Daniel had guests – he hadn’t thought to call ahead and check.  As he stood looking up, Daniel came out on to the balcony as if sensing that Jack was there. It was oddly Shakespearian, though a more unlikely Juliet he could not imagine. He picked up a tiny piece of gravel and threw it up against the balustrade. Moments later Daniel peered down at him and waved, which Jack took to be an encouraging sign. He ran up the stairs two at a time and skidded to a halt outside the door to his flat, just as Daniel opened it in jeans and a ratty old T shirt. Jack wanted to swallow him whole. He pushed Daniel back through the door, kicking it shut behind him and pinning him up against the nearest wall.

Daniel threw his hands up in mock surrender. “You’re back then,” he said, as Jack plastered himself over every available inch of Daniel’s body, kissing his neck and shoulders with fervour. Jack pulled Daniel’s T-shirt out of his jeans and ran his cold hands up Daniel’s back, making him shiver.

“Oh, god. Stop that! We have to talk, I want to know what happened,” said Daniel, trying to push Jack away. Jack stopped his mouth with a searing kiss, and Daniel gave in for a moment before grabbing him by the shoulders and prising him off like a limpet.

“Jack, Jack, believe me I’m glad to see you too, but I need to know what happened,” said Daniel, firmly.

“We’re invited to a wedding,” said Jack, lifting one of Daniel’s hands off his shoulder and kissing the palm. “And it’s not going to be mine.”

Daniel looked at him like he’d gone stark raving mad, and maybe he had, the stress of the last week pushing him over the edge.

“You are the one I want,” breathed Jack into Daniel’s hand, pressing closer. “Don’t ever doubt that. I don’t give a fuck about what’s normal or not. You,” he emphasized with a kiss, “are family to me.” Daniel sighed, then leaned in, his lips fitting over Jack’s in a perfect match.

And finally, finally everything made sense.

End

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