Welcome to the first-ever TPDoEQ contest! I was trying to come up with a way to cleverly distract you all from how long it's taking me to finish volume V get my readers more involved in what I like to call the "EQniverse," and I thought a contest would be a fun idea.
This is something of a writing competition, but please don't let that scare you away. It's all for fun! All you have to do is come up with your best and most creative response to the following question:
What would be the funniest, most improbable way for the "Private Diary of Elizabeth Quatermain" series to end?
Just imagine the possibilities! The entire League is abducted by space aliens...they hook up with Captain Jack Sparrow and become the new crew of the Black Pearl...they discover and decide to relocate to the lost city of Atlantis...a giant lovesick whale attempts to mate with the Nautilus and accidentally causes everyone inside to drown...you're limited only by your own imagination.
Well, your imagination and my rules. Which are as follows:
- You know how the series is pretty much free of profanity, bar the occasional mild swear word? Keep your entry the same.
- No plagiarizing. Trust me, I'll find out.
- There is no minimum word count, nor is there a limit.
- Spelling and grammar DO count. Most word processing programs have spellcheckers and grammar checkers in their formatting. Some -- like Wordpad and Notepad -- do not, but you can find free spellcheckers and free grammar checkers on the web, so there's really no excuse.
- If English is not your first language, however, make a note of that in your entry email and I will take that into account.
- All entries must be in my email inbox no later than June 30, 2006.
So, the first contest got only two entries. That's all right, they were great!
Our first prize winner is Robin, who sent the following gem:
August 5, 2006
Yes, you read that correctly. It seems that through a rift in time, we have jumped ahead to the year 2006. This news is met with great tragedy, however. Upon landing to see what had changed in the world, the entire crew, sans Alex, Jonathan, and I were attacked by a screaming group of young females and a few males calling themselves �fan girls� and �fan boys.� They have carried my friends off to places unknown, and I hope to find them soon. Oh, look, here come the fan girls and boys with pitchforks screaming something about �stealing their Roddy-kuns.� I do wonder what they�re talking about.
First runner-up was fan artist Kame, who submitted this lengthy bit of peculiarity:
Elizabeth and Rodney were having a rather enjoyable day. It had started with a quiet breakfast all to themselves. After they had exhausted the supply of tea, both ventured out from their cabin to see what was going on with the other members of the League. As they emerged, the crewmen of the Nautilus were hurried in their pace from the norm. One bumped Elizabeth and he gave her a quick gesture for hitting her. "What's going on this morning? I haven't seen this much activity in a long time," Elizabeth noted.
"I'm not sure love, but we'll find out from Nemo when we see him," Skinner replied.
They made their way down the corridors and the activity of the crewmen was even more panicked. Two crewmen were holding two vials of a thick golden brown substance and speaking excitedly in Hindi. Rodney and Elizabeth glanced at each other, not sure what to make of what was happening. Reaching the map room, they found the entire League assembled. A hush entered the room as Rodney and Elizabeth did. Tom Sawyer made a nervous gulp and Mina held a finger to Henry's lips. Feeling the uncomfortable vibe, Elizabeth dared to speak first. "What's going on? Everyone from the crew is running around."
The captain stepped forward, trying to find a way to break the news of the current crisis. "A terrible thing has happened. It's really quite odd, and my men cannot seem to explain the phenomenon at hand. You see, the water of the sea..."
"Yes?" Rodney said when Nemo trailed off.
"Well, the water is no longer water and the ship is unable to move any further," Nemo said with hesitation.
Elizabeth blinked her eyes a few times trying to comprehend what was just said. "If the sea is no longer water, what is it?" she asked.
"Mrs. Jekyll and my crewmen have run tests and they have determined the composition of the sea is now...pudding," said Nemo.
"Pudding? What in the bloody hell? Are you serious?" after a few uncomfortable seconds Rodney asked.
Dr. Jekyll stepped forward and added, "Yes, it's not only pudding, it's butterscotch pudding."
"Dear Lord, not butterscotch pudding!" Elizabeth exclaimed.
"Yes, I'm afraid so," Mina said, leaning on her husband for support.
"The reason we didn't disturb you prior to this, is because we knew that you'd be our only hope. You needed to spend the last few moments with your husband in happiness. We've managed to get the Nautilus to almost a depth of 30ft below the surface of the pudding. The engines have become non operational now, so the only way to reach the top is by�eating a tunnel," Nemo said gravely.
Rodney gulped and knew where this conversation was going. "You mean, you want my Bess to eat that tunnel?"
"She's our only hope, we have heard of her accomplishments as a world champion pudding eater. Elizabeth is the only one with the fortitude to make it to the surface. The crewmen have determined that only one person can do that job because of the lack of stability of the pudding. That one person has to be you, Elizabeth," Sawyer said.
"Yes, I am the woman for this job, since I am the only one to have won the medal for the Edinburgh Pudding Eating Contest three years in a row. But, it's butterscotch pudding, my nemesis," said Elizabeth as Rodney squeezed her hand.
"Love, I won't make you do it, I know how you've talked about butterscotch. It's an evil loathsome pudding," Rodney said with tears starting to form.
Elizabeth steeled her resolve and replied, after a few moments had passed, "Rodney, I must go. I may not return but I'm our only hope in everyone surviving. If I don't go, we're all doomed."
Nemo opened a velvet box to reveal a large silver spoon and handed it to Elizabeth.
"Godspeed, young lady, Godspeed!" Jekyll said as Elizabeth accepted the spoon.
All stood silent as Elizabeth exited the room. She made her way to the topmost hatch exiting the Nautilus and had a sailor open it for her. Elizabeth Quatermain Skinner was ready to face her destiny as a world-class pudding eater against the horrid butterscotch...
Thanks for participating! This was a hoot.
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