M50 More Bullshit StoriesM
As
Told By An
51M“When
I was a teenager, I took control of the Cornell University computers, and from
there I took control of all the computers across the East Coast.”
52 M”The day I came out of my 9 month coma, the doctors found me levitating above my hospital bed, and everything in the room was floating.”
53M”My
Apache family wanted me to become the new shaman for my tribe at the
reservation, but I turned it down.”
54M”I’m
a desert rat; the Mescalero-Apache reservation I was born on sits across the
border of the Yuma desert and Mexico.”
55M”I
used to live in this silver Airstream trailer, out in the middle of the Mexican
desert. That’s where I kept all of my
super computers and programs that I’d created, but the Mexican government found
me and nuked the whole property.”
56M”When
I was 13, I got a job as an exotic dancer.
I made over $3,000 a week until I got sick of the jealous husbands
looking to kick my ass and quit.”
57M”Once
I had to drink 5 whole vials of LSD to keep the cops from finding it. I ended up in an institution for 3 years.”
58M”I
have a prescription card for marijuana because of the hole in my lung, but I
don’t use it. The stuff they have at
the pharmacies is too low a quality for me.”
59M”For
five years after divorcing my first wife, I stayed celibate. I dated a little bit, but never went any
farther than a kiss on the cheek.”
60M”I
toured with Metallica as a roadie for a year.
Back then, Cliff was the singer and James was the bass player.”
61M”At
the convergence of the astral planes in Ithaca, there’s a magical druid orb
that I have to watch over. Terrible
things will happen if anyone but me touches it.”
62M”Don’t
be alarmed if I stick my finger in a light socket. I need to do that every few weeks to recharge my internal
battery. And…”
63M”Because
of all the technology in my body, I can fix almost any computer problem just by
sticking my finger in the floppy drive.
I can plug into it using the jack at the base of my skull, but it makes
me feel a lot less human every time I do it.”
64 M”My
cousin Robert has the same chip in his head as I do, but he didn’t manage to
escape the experimental lab like I did, so his programming got completed so
he’s got and easier time of plugging in than I do.”
65M”I
used to be the poster child for the Arizona anti-child abuse campaign. I was even in the commercials when I was
really young.”
66M”I
built my own dojo way out in the boonies.
The whole teaching program gravitates around a style I created myself.”
67M”I
know I said that I’d been living in Ithaca for a long time, but this is only my
second winter here.”
68M”I’d
never seen a rainbow…”
69M”Or
a deer up until recently.”
70M”My
Apache lineage is directly descended from Geronimo, and my Scottish side is
descended from high royalty. If you’ve
ever seen Braveheart, I think the evil king in it is where the line descends
from.”
71M”I
speak fluent Mexican-Spanish, since I grew up with Mexicans. I guess they speak European-Spanish once you
hit the cities, cause I can’t translate it.”
72M”My evil twin brother died this year while trying to escape the maximum security prison he was in. I’m really glad you never had to meet him, cause he was completely insane.”
73M”My childhood friends and I used to hide from the cops by burrowing under the sand in the desert outside the reservation. The Apache tribe had been doing this for centuries, using only a bandana to cover our faces, so they never caught us.”
74M”Once
when I was camping in the desert with some friends, we stumbled across this
huge cave under the sand. It was full
of human and big animal bones. When we
got to the end of the cave we found out why… there was a dragon, I mean a real
one just without any wings. We were
forced to kill it so that it wouldn’t eat any more people, but the meat did
feed and entire village of starving Mexicans.”
75M”A long time ago, my Grandfather set aside a
pair of antique six-shooters from the 1700’s that still fire better than any
guns they make today. He buried them in
the sand and told me how to find them while on his deathbed… but I’ll never go
to get them. I hate guns, I could never
think of hurting another living being.”
76M”This guy Travis slept with my
second ex-wife, that’s why I split up with her.”
77M”Everyone in town thinks of me as their dad. I can get a favor from just about anybody,
cause I’ve taken care of just about every person in town at some point. They all owe me their lives.”
78M”I’ve been cooking for 10 years now, and I could have finished
culinary school if not for my first wife’s mafia father making me work for
him. I went to school at the ivy league
culinary college up in NY City for a year before I was forced to quit.”
79M”I dated a few guys after my first divorce, but I’m not gay at all.”
80M”Under the city there’s a whole underground complex. All the super hackers and people with
super-human powers live down there… I’m their only contact to the above-ground
world.”
81M”It’s not my fault if I’m an asshole… since the drunk driver
accident, I don’t have emotions of my own anymore because of the computer chip,
so I just record the emotions of people I spend a lot of time with.”
82M”That engagement ring I gave you is over 200 years old. My Scottish grandmother made it for me
before I was ever born, so that I would have something really special for the
woman I love…”
83M”What do you mean, ‘bullshit’?
My grandmother put that ‘Made In Taiwan’ etching on the inside of the
band as a joke, what, do you think I would lie about something like that?”
84M”You can’t buy that sword.
Just from looking at the picture on the Internet I can tell it’s
possessed of an evil spirit.”
85M”I came up with the phrase ‘eat a bag of dicks’ years ago. Everyone else just copied it from me, cause
they all want to be just like me.”
86M”I was dating a girl when I was
younger who shot herself in the head while sitting in my lap…”
87M”And she only did that because her mom was trying to steal me
from her.”
88M”Every time the Lost Dog Café has had its annual garlic festival, they’ve lost. They won this year because of me, and I’m deathly allergic to garlic.”
89M”Because I’m the druid gatekeeper for my family, I have to ask permission to go away, even on vacation…”
90M”See, I’m the only one with the keys to the secret door in my
grandmother’s house.”
91M”Way back when you were an elf, you’d raised a dragon from an egg. Her spirit found you again and it lives in your sword now.”
92M”There’s a baby basilisk living in the back yard bushes. I spotted it one night and it teleported
over to sit on my arm when I called it…”
93M”I didn’t get turned to stone when I looked at its eyes because
of my elemental magic. Counteracting a
basilisk’s gaze is really easy for one as old as me.”
94M”Oh yeah, and I forgot to mention… the baby basilisk? Yeah, it’s your baby. You gave birth to it just last week. I put a spell on you so you’d stay asleep
while it was happening… you know you couldn’t have handled something like
that.”
95M”I’m really trying to get a job, but every time I do some redneck
native American hater fucks it up for me.
I think my Mafioso ex father in law is planting people like that to go
wherever I move just so I can’t keep a steady job.”
96M”And that last job I had as a toy tester? Yeah, that was just their public front. What they were actually hiring people for
was to run their door to door cocaine business.”
97M”When I was a kid I was raising a rare endangered indigo bull
python. I’d still have it, but my older
sister chopped his head off one time when she was pissed at me.”
98M”I actually have three children.
My oldest son is only 14, and he’s living off in England getting ready
to go to the best college in the whole country there. He’s super smart, just like I was… he’s already skipped like, 5
grades in highschool.”
99M”In one of your lives as an elf, the singer from the band the
Cruxshadows (he was just a human) fell in love with you, and you with him. I convinced your father (the elf king) to
help me take you away from him just before the two of you ran off… the singer
actually wrote a song about it in this life, cause he still loves you, and so
you’re not allowed to go to one of their concerts without me.”
100M”If you leave me, I’m never going to sleep with another woman
again. Even though I can’t go 5 minutes
without trying to push myself on you, I’ll do it. So don’t you dare leave me.
I’ll go crazy.”