M50 Bullshit Stories M
As Told By An
1M”One time, I surfed the same wave for 5 miles… somehow I surfed right into a contest and won without even knowing it.”
2M”I
got in a car accident while trying to get my girlfriend who was in labor to the
hospital. A drunk driver purposefully
hit us head on. She died, but I got
taken to this experimental hospital where…”
3M”I
was in a coma for 9 months, and they took out 3 quarters of my brain and
replaced it with a computer chip, and put wires all down my spinal column so I
could walk again…”
4M”And
gave me this bionic left eye that sees in 3 different field of vision, has zoom
and scanning capabilities, and has this targeting system that I found out is
made to shoot lasers… but I disconnected that part last month. And…”
5M”Oh
yeah, and they reconstructed most of my body, so I’ve got no scars to show for
it.”
6M”I
was born deaf in my left ear, so my “underground” friend Ben made me this
bionic eardrum and hooked it to the chip in my brain, so now I can hear out of
it.”
7M”One
time while I was working at the Snapple bottling company, I was testing a
bottle lid and it blew up in my hand. I
got shrapnel all through my wrist, so I went back to the lab where I’d been in
a coma and they rebuilt the crop of nerves with another computer chip so I
could use that hand.”
8M”I’m
a lycanthrope. I have to fight not to
change into a wolf and kill people at the full moon.”
9 M”And
your brother is one too, he just doesn’t know it yet. So are half my friends… Louie is married to my daughter (who is
also a lycanthrope), and they just had twins.
Didn’t you hear the pack howling last night? They were celebrating.”
10M”I’m
really a 25,000 year old dark elf, and in your first life and ever after, you
were always my queen…”
11M”Except
for this one life, where Marius, a storybook vampire had gotten to you before
me.”
12M”My
first ex-wife literally stabbed me in the back with a kitchen knife when I
threw the guy she was cheating on me with out the window… but I don’t have a
scar, since I’m a werewolf and I heal like Wolverine.”
13M”I
was born with a hole in my left lung, so the doctors surgically implanted a
screen over the hole. Now I have to
keep smoking cigarettes and pot, cause if I don’t, the screen will fall
out. The tar from the smokes is the
only thing keeping me alive.”
14M”Hey,
if you want me to get this job, we need to buy special shoes, equipment and
clothes, otherwise they won’t even consider hiring me.”
15M”Once
when I was a kid, I went swimming in the ocean for the first time. Some dolphins surrounded me, and I grabbed
onto one of their fins and it gave me a ride out to the reef and back
again. According to the locals, that
had never happened before.”
16M”Oh,
and I forgot to tell you… I have an evil identical-Siamese twin named
Ryan. Sometimes he comes to town and
pretends to be me.”
17M”I
was born on an Apache native American reservation, so I’m half Apache, and half
Irish and Scottish. I know my birth
certificate says I was born in Ithaca, but they didn’t give out birth
certificates at the reservation when I was born, so I never had one until I
moved to New York.”
18M”My
grandmother on my dad’s side doesn’t speak a word of English, just Apache.”
19M”I
just found out that my uncle is actually my father. My whole family has been hiding it from me all my life… so it
turns out I’m hardly Apache at all, but mostly Irish.”
20M”For
the first 12 years of my life, I lived in a bubble because of my lung. I had to go to school in this special suit
and everything.”
21M”I
didn’t speak a word of English myself until 5 years ago, so you’ll have to fill
out my job applications and write my emails for me so I don’t mess up.”
22M”I
have 3 books published of my poetry. I
only quit writing cause they pressured me too hard.”
23M”I’m
a druid. My whole Scottish side of the
family is, and I have a key to the family castle and everything. That means I need to buy all this velvet and
leather to make pouches and clothes so I can do my rituals next month.”
24M”I’m
licensed to teach swordsmanship and martial arts. I have trophies in all forms, but I quit teaching cause I almost
killed someone at the last tournament.”
25M”I
used to be a Rollerball champ too, but then I got in that accident with that
drunk driver, so they wouldn’t let me play anymore.”
26M”I
have this motor-trike out on the reservation that my uncle is keeping for
me. I built it myself from the ground
up, and…”
27M”One
time me and my cronies went riding in the desert and found this hidden village
that didn’t use electricity or money and had never seen a car. The noise from my trike motor blew out all
the windows in town. But nobody was
mad, cause I have the mayor a ride on my trike. And…”
28M”This
other time we went riding in the desert, we found this hole in the sand that
had been blasted so it turned to glass.
A meteor had fallen there, and there were aliens in there who, if you
got close enough, you could hear performing horrible tests on screaming people
down there at the bottom.”
29M”My
first ex-wife’s Mafia boss father made me kill one of my best friends, Des, and
then cover it up to make it look like he hung himself.”
30M”When
I was at work today at Raymond Hadley (a
packing co), I lifted this 400lb barrel and moved it to
the other side of the room with my bare hands and no problem whatsoever.”
31M”You
know those platform boots I gave you?
Gene Simons pulled them right off his feet and threw them to me at the
last KISS concert.”
32M”The
Soundgarden patch on my jacket was given to me by the bass player. I smoked them up after a concert and he
ripped it off his jacket and gave it to me.”
33M”I
fought Adrian Paul my last time in a swordsmanship tournament. I would have won if my sword hadn’t broken,
cause his was made of solid gold and ivory, and it was just too strong for mine.”
34M”I
raised 3 wild wolf pups in the desert when I was a child. They only answered to me, but I recently
found out that only one is still alive, and my dad tranquilized him and took
him from the wild.”
35M”I
know everything about reptiles, having raised hundreds, including
rattlesnakes. I have a hut full of them
in the desert, and they love only me.”
36M”The
spirit in your dagger is Set, the master of all serpents. He’s actually your brother, and he wants to
kill me.”
37M”Your
other brother from many past lives is Vladimir Dracula. He kept trying to get to you, so Bill and I
buried him on holy ground, but we can’t tell you where he is, cause we know
you’ll try to help him.”
38M”There
are mutated vampire creatures living in caves deep under second damn. They’ll kill us if they get the chance so
they can capture you, because…”
39M”You
are the first vampire, Akasha. Haven’t
you noticed how all my friends are trying to get closer to you? That’s why.”
40M”I’m
a redneck, I was born in the south, so sometimes my ridiculous southern accent
comes out. You need to learn to accept
me as I am.”
41M”When
I was a dark elf and you were the queen of the moon elves, your mom tried to
steal me from you. Her jealousy ended
up almost getting you killed.”
42M”Back
in my days as a carnie, I used to have to maintain this huge Ferris wheel. I was the one who had to climb up on top of
the thing to clean it while it was set up, only I did it without any climbing
gear or safety harness, and I had this 200lb backpack full of tools to carry
while I was doing it.”
43M”In
this room at my mom’s house, I have thousands of rare, mint condition
swords. I’ve even got Worf and
Alexander from Star Trek’s batleths down there, signed and all. But…”
44M”One
of my uncles from the reservation took them all when my mom’s house got
condemned and sold them behind my back.”
45M”John,
the guy who owns 3D Light, is a druid too.
He’s been keeping some of my weapons for me, that’s why he’ll leave
things on hold for me for extended periods of time and gives me really good
discounts.”
46M”The
council of lycanthrope elders was nearly wiped out by a basilisk, so me and the
remaining elders lured it to the Ithaca gorge and battled it to the death
there.”
47M”Azareth,
a lycanthrope in the form of a grizzly bear-sized saber-toothed tiger, and the
father of all lycanthropes was dying.
So he called upon me to join his spirit with mine, so now I have all of
his knowledge and power.”
48M”My
sister’s best friend came into my bubble room when I was nine, and that’s when
I lost my virginity.”
49M”I
was legally dead once when I was a teenager, but I woke up on the morgue
operating table just as the morticians were filling me with embalming fluid.”
50M”I
know everything about everything, and everything about everyone. See, I’m an elemental, and the bookkeeper of
all goings on of the world… past, present and future.”