Date: Uhhhh…. October—hold
on—October 26, 2001
Okay,
basically I’m gunna type up my stage act for when I go onto Late Friday.
Heh—ONE more week—can you believe it?? Well, anyway… I need to get this written
down so I can; need someone with a sense of HUMOR to test it out ON. Hmm, you
think maybe Bruce—naaah… Someone who—OOOH!! Bart—Bart’s good for a laugh.
Heh—well, anyway where we go. Oh and by the way, to anyone who’s lookin’ this
over—lets just pretend I’m ON the stage sayin’ all of this, awright? Kwel.
*****
(This is
the point where I walk out to the stage—oh, and if you haven’t noticed, I’m
gunna be hosting the WHOLE thang. That’s some BIG stuff, huh?? I get to
introduce the comics!)
“Hello and
WELCOME to Late Friday. We’ve got a great show lined up for you folks this
evening. We’ve got a group of wonderful and talented comedians to present to ya
tonight and just so you know, I’ll be your disadvantaged host for the evening…
name’s Wallace West. Put do me a favor and DON’T call me Wallace?? It’s… TOO
formal, isn’t it?? Just Wally will do.
Ya know, that’s the one thing I never got—were NAMES. It’s like your parents way of getting you back, even before you can talk. But what they really do is screw up your middle name. I mean.. okay—MY middle name’s Rudolph, right?? The kids used to FOREVER tease me back in school, calling me “Rudolph the red nosed reindeer.” Which was probably true, seeing as how I stuck my nose into this… this.. STUFF. Uh huh.. it was like WHITE. Aww c’mon!! ALL the kids were doing it. (nod weakly in a sympathetic way) And here’s a little advice for you: at ALL costs, give into peer pressure. I’m TELLING you, it’s the best way to go.
Well…
heh—what goes around comes around, right?? When I have a kid, I’m gunna
name him Jimmy, that’s IF I have a boy.
That way I can screw with his middle name, like how MY mother
screwed with mine. Yup. You know what his middle name’s gunna be?? “Crack
Corn.” (nod, understandingly) Jimmy Crack Corn. BOOY—don’t you think he’ll LOVE
me for giving him that name?? I think he would. (groan dramatically* But then
when he gets to be about five or six he’s going to do that “Hey, dad” thing.
(kid voice) Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad, dad.. HEY DAD!! Dad, dad, dad, dad, dad,
dad.. HEY DAD!! (show the audience your hand) LOOK at my hand! Dad- dad, dad,
dad, dad, dad—Whoooooaaaaa! Hey DAD! LOOK at my hand (make hand go all around
showing EVERYONE), dad! Hey Dad! Watch this! (make hand go all wobbly) Ooooo..
dad—WATCH ME!! It’s.. wiggling. Dad, dad, dad—(put hand behind your back) WHOA!
Where did my hand go, dad? (bring it back out) THERE it is, Dad! Dad, dad!!!
(use the same hand to cover your eyes* I can’t see my hand! Aruuuugh!!! (take
your hand off) OH, THERE it is—Daaaaaaaaad!! (go back to normal voice) Children
these days…. THEN he’s gunna TALK his head off. “Blah, blah, blah, Pokemon.
Blah, blah, blah. My hand hurts. Blah, blah. I’m hungry. Blah, blah, blah. Dad
are you even li—blah, blah, blah..” (grin) ALWAYS complaining…. These.. darn
kids.
OH! Which
reminds me. I had my car stolen. Anybody here ever have their car stolen from
them? It’s the worst feeling in the world because what happens is, you refuse
to except that it’s YOUR car that’s gone. I stood in the parking lot for two
days; I was like ‘Naaah, they’ll bring it back.’
I’ve also been taking Martial Arts
classes, in hopes that if I needed to have self-defense I would be set. The
classes are GREAT by the way. It teaches you to be as powerful as a tiger, as
quick as a monkey and as smart as a Dragon. Just the other day, these guys came
up to me with a knife and demanded money. So I turned into a chicken and ran!
There was NO way… (whimper) They were big n’ scary and if YOU saw ‘em, you
woulda done the same thing……….. I bet.
Have
you ever noticed how our girls ALWAYS where our clothes?? I’m betting
it’s probably only because they can actually FIT into them. I mean, COME on! We
don’t where your TUBE tops…. (Moment of silence) Okay, well, maybe when you’re
not IN the house, but can we HELP it if it just FEELS good!??
Hey,
Guys!! You ever put your girl’s underwear on your head? (Stay silent for a sec,
run your hand through your hair) Naah! I’m just playin’ around! I don’t DO
that! (Laugh weakly) Heh.. that’s STUPID.. (Pace back and forth and shake your
head) SO dumb! Whoever thought of THAT?? (Look around, act incognito) Yeah,
man! Put the holes in the front and you could wear it like a mask. (Show with
your hands, run around) Catch that fly! Heh… (Waves weakly to the audience) I’m
playin’……really…….maybe.
Alright
folks—that’s my time, but I thank you for listening! Have a good evening
y’all!”
*****
Okay—so.. what do you think? You
think that’ll pass off on Primetime TV and in Hollywood?? Ahhh—I’m seein’
STARZ! Heh—OOH!! Phone call! Bye now!