These are really crappy—mostly because I’m trying to get back into the mode of writing these things! Forgive me please!
Dear Diary,
I’m writing this from the room Bruce leant
me in Wayne Manor today. It’s about
midnight, not quite, and I’m a wreck. I
keep asking myself if I’m over acting, if maybe that I should just go back and
ask Kyle for forgiveness. And then I
look at it objectively instead of subjectively and I remind myself that I don’t
have to go through that, that I don’t NEED to be abused mentally or emotionally
or physically. Abuse is a hard word, I
know, but isn’t that what it is when something someone does to you puts you
under duress and you can’t fight back?
Isn’t it abuse?
All I asked, diary, was that Kyle tell me things about… himself. His past.
This entire time it’s felt as though I’ve been giving and giving and
Kyle, who supposedly loves me, keeps taking and the only thing he gives me in
return is physical… pleasure? Is that
the word?
Let me sigh a moment.
*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*
It’s like these two people I knew in high school. Brandon and Jenna. You’d see them together, right?
And you know they were sleeping together, and they’d have their hands
allllll over each other. But then, when
they didn’t think anyone was listening, I’d hear him just… bitching her out,
calling her all these horrible names and just being so emotionally and mentally
damaging. He’d do that, he’d cheat on
her, and yet she still stayed with him.
She should leave him, but she refuses to.
It’s sort of the same between Kyle and I, the difference being
the day that he calls me a name like that for NO reason whatsoever, it would be
*on*. I probably wouldn’t leave him,
unless I just DID it and not thought about it.
See, the moment I start thinking about it, I start feeling stupid and
ridiculous and like the criminal of this whole thing.
But you know, I just realized something. What if this isn’t KYLE that’s doing all of
this? He’s gone under such a drastic
power change, becoming Ion with all those… powers, maybe it’s doing something
to his personality? I mean, I noticed a
change in the beginning of this power change.
He became so confident and so sure of himself, and he started using his
powers to do his art. Which was good
for ME because we got to spend SO much time together. I wouldn’t have to worry about being Supergirl, or he Ion,
because all he had to do was send out one of those clones of himself out. But what if it’s the power change? I mean, don’t get me wrong, his attitude is
generally fine, but he would have NEVER blown up in my face like that. It’s… kind of scary to think that maybe
something might SNAP or something…
Bruce, being ever the opportunist, is trying yet again to shift
my eyes from Kyle to Justin. He’s seeing
this as the perfect timing to try. And
don’t get me wrong… if this is IT between Kyle and I, Justin is definitely an
option. But I don’t want to end it with
Kyle, especially if it’s the power corrupting him… It’s better if he has someone there to help stay as his median.
Sure… I’m scared, I mean, what if he goes ballistic or
something? Batman wouldn’t be able to
stop him, and at this point I’m wondering if Superman could. But I love him SO much, diary. I know I promised myself that I wouldn’t… and
yet it happened. [Enter another long
sigh here.] I think I’m going to have
to make this up to him. Bruce said it’s
not my fault, but doesn’t he say that about a lot of things? Every time stuff has happened, it’s always
not my fault. And actually, I feel like
EVERYTHING is my fault. Everything I
would tell some other female it’s not THEIR fault, it feels like *I* *am* at
fault.
I once told Kyle that had he done that ONE thing to me that he
did during that DEMON thing, but in his total conscious, un-inhabited state of
mind… I’d still stay with him, and
that’s true. I couldn’t explain why
before, but now I know—I’m a glutton for punishment, diary. I always have been. I need to STOP that, because it could get me
killed… I’ll talk to… *twitch* It’s a
mental thing, probably due to a chemical imbalance. I’m going to call—gah, can’t stop twitching—Wally… I’m going to
call Wally… no, I’ll jump him in his SLEEP with a butcher knife and I’ll
demand… I’ll ask for help. I won’t
demand, but I WILL jump him in the night with a butcher knife.
That’s what I’ll do… I’ll… I’ll apologize to him… Oh man, Bruce is gonna have a word and a
half to say about it, though. He hates
Kyle because he’s twenty-six—almost twenty seven (no I won’t miss his birthday,
I swear it!), because Kyle’s done some… bad things to me before (we went
through it diary, don’t make me repeat it), and… yeah, that pretty much sums it up! Bruce doesn’t seem to pay any attention to the fact that Justin
kidnapped me while he was under Granny Goodness’s influence (something Bruce
reprimanded KAL-EL for) and made me ALMOST marry him. Had it not been for Kal…
Oh god, I’m chickening out… I’m not going to do this—But I am going to say I am! I’m… I’m going to PRETEND…
And you know, diary? I’d
tell Bruce where I was going, but I haven’t seen him since I got out of the
shower when we got here. Mr. Pennyworth
is here, Timmy’s here. Little Chaos is
here (black kitten that Timmy has!
SOOOOOOOOO adorable!). But no
Bruce. Where could he be…?
Love,
Kara