I have NO clue what day it is. Mid-month in December of 2001

5:21 p.m.

Gotham City, Clock tower

 

            What’s one to write about when someone doesn’t have a topic? Do you know what it feels like just sitting in one spot for minutes? LONG minutes, sometimes sitting hours upon hours just trying to think of something to write about? It’s frustrating, isn’t it? To be completely honest I’m frustrated as we speak because I haven’t a clue on earth what to write about. I want to empty what has recently happened to me, but at this point it seems I just don’t know where to begin.

I’m sitting here alone in my apartment, starring out of the window. Watching the bundled people below, hurry across through the snow. A mother had stopped a moment to let her child make a snow angle or build a miniature snowman off to the side. The mother seems like she’s actually not minding the frost biting cold. But she has a smile on her faces instead. Probably for the sole reason that building that small snowman is making her child happy and he’s not screaming, “Mommy!! I want this.” “Mommy, I want THAT!” after a weary day of Christmas shopping. The mother is sitting on a bench just off of the snow covered sidewalk, watching her child frolic around, keeping her shopping bags close to her for warmth. She doesn’t mind sitting for a half an hour, for forty-five minutes, for an hour only for the simple fact that that she is enjoying the precious smile on her child’s face.

In a way, I envy that mother. Braving the cold for her child to have a good time, and for generally BEING a mother to her child. She’ll give that child love and support as he grows to be a man, and even continue to love him beyond that time. I envy her. I envy the fact that that she’s such a strong, independent woman who is taking care of her child… what looks like alone. I envy her. I envy her for the courage to get up every morning to face whatever challenges being a mother brings. I envy her for I cannot have children of my own.

Being Batgirl, I took a chance. At the time I would have had no idea that being exposed to the things I’ve been exposed to would later harm me. Chemicals, gun shots, Joker toxin…all things leading to my being sterile. For my husband of the future, whomever he is… whether be Wally or some unknown stranger I have yet to know about, I am sorry, for I cannot give him an heir. I cannot give him a son or a daughter. For my sacrifice others have and continue to live happy and safe lives. For my near death experiences trying to save others from burning infernos or being at the hands of a potentially dangerous person(s), all have a sense of pride to them. I know, because of my actions, those people are still alive to see another sunrise. One thing I can smile about.

 I haven’t seen or heard or spoken to Wally for two weeks now. I don’t know where he is, I don’t know if he’s even alive. I found out from Dick that Wally had quit the Titans and punched him as well as Roy at some point. I can tell and a lot of others can tell that Wally hasn’t been himself lately. He’s obviously been depressed and hurting eternally and I’m pretty much I’m half the cause of it. He’s probably just getting his head together or something. Damn—I miss him. I haven’t slept much since he’s left. TWO WEEKS!?? He hasn’t called or… ANYTHING!  I… REALLY hope he comes back… even if it takes years upon years… I’ll wait for him.

Dick and Cass have otherwise been keeping me company. Cass’ll come for something to eat and a place to sleep, IF she decides to sleep at all. Dick… he’s been coming pretty much every day. He’s been helping me with physical therapy and training. YES, he’s training me! In Ecrisma fighting, cool huh? I figured that being in a wheelchair doesn’t mean that I have to limit myself. I can STILL do things others can do, but JUST without the use of my legs. I’ve been focusing on upper body strength moreso, that way with the Ecrisma fighting I’ll be better prepared.

I’ve started back to work about a week or so ago. I’ve got my position as Detective, but everyone, including my father are forbidding me to go out for field work, so now I’m stuck behind the desk, processing evidence, searching for patterns to any cases, analyzing the data banks, gathering information, and everything else that comes with it—but field work—GRR! I LOVE working on the field, gives me that small sense of ‘freedom’ and that hands-on work that seems to be thriving with energy, ya know?

I’ve been doing some extra reading, I was thinking that come next term I could take the entrance exam and test my knowledge and see if I’m actually able to go for a higher position. I’m thinking about going for Sergeant… LT. would be my next goal. I just want Daddy to see how hard I can push myself, let him see how hard I can work. My DREAM, if it could happen, is to one day be Commissioner of the city! A FEMALE commissioner, doesn’t THAT sound appetizing? You think daddy would be proud of me if I did that??

I’ve also been thinking of joining the suicide squad with the GCPD. Doing a BIT of undercover work to catch crooks and… other scum of the street. I’ve been trying to get a hold of the binder with all of the information. I need to check out the requirements, get a copy of the application form, letter of recommendation, (which won’t be too hard to get), my proposal and send it in. With my past with the PD hopefully it won’t be all that hard to get a position. YES, I know it’s dangerous but someone’s gotta do it, right?

            ARUGH--!! Sparks! This cat has some ISSUES. I know he doesn’t like being away from Wally for more than twenty-four hours, but both HE and Charlie are acting strange. Charlie’s been chirping LOUD, almost giving me that warning chirp he gives me when someone he doesn’t recognize or TIM comes into the apartment. But Tim or NO ONE strange has even shown their face. The only one’s that have actually been here were Dick, Cassandra, Kon-el, and Kara. Bruce popped in a few times to ‘check up’ on me, but that’s mostly it. Wonder if it all could mean something more… Ehh, oh well. I’m sure it’s nothing!

            Oh! And I MUST tell you! Clark and Lois FINALLY got married! And lemme tell you... the wedding was SO beautiful, the reception was GORGEOUS! And Lois… looked so beautiful in her dress. I’m not her BIGGEST fan, but she makes CLARK happy and that’s all that matters.

            Heh—while at the church I had seated myself in the very back, moreso into a corner to where I wouldn’t be seen. I thought I could get away with it… but I didn’t. Darn Bruce! I put the brakes on my chair to allow me NOT to move, but Bruce—(I LOVE that man, but I HATE him at times!) took them off and put me up front. “Clark would be upset if he didn’t see you. He’d think you didn’t show and would be devastated.” Haha—okay GET this: Do you KNOW where he sat me??  He placed me RIGHT beside LEX LUTHOR!! SOME coincidence, eh? But come to find out, Lex is ACTUALLY a nice guy—JUST like Kara said! TALK about freaky, eh?? We carried on a conversation that lasted a good while and THEN the ceremony began. You shoulda BEEN there… it was SO adorable!

            “Where was Wally during all of this??” you ask? He was seated right behind me with Roy, Dick, and Bruce. I heard SEVERAL remarks… “The HONEYMOON…” “I hope Clark brought the prosthetic!” and—heh—ARUGH. Men!

           

[End]