Date: October 6, 2001

Time: 3:26am

Place: The Roof of my Apartment, Gotham City

Today has definitely been one hectic and stressful day—not to mention emotional. I think I’ve cried so much today, it should last me a good year. I figured that coming outside in the cold night’s air to write this all up might calm my nerves a bit. It’s peaceful out tonight, surprisingly. The sound of a distant ambulance is really the only thing I hear, aside from the honking horns about half a mile away.

Everything seemed to start yesterday, last night to be exact. When I went to go check my email, I found a message... from Dick. I immediately went to go delete it, but yet, I was somewhat curious to what it said. I read it. He wanted me to meet him at seven o clock by the ice rink near the Gotham Galleria. I seriously thought about not going, but after talking to Kara that night, I decided to go. She has this NACK about her; she’s always able to talk me into something! Most of which, when she does, is for a very good reason. We talked for a bit more, she told me she was going to see if she couldn’t get Wally home earlier. (He was working REALLY late) I gave her the number of the lab so she could call ahead and get what she needed done. I still didn’t know about going alone, in fear Dick might try to stab me or…something. I called Roy. Asked him if he would come along, just in case something happened. He told me he would, but he would stay out of sight “That way you and Dick can talk. Because I KNOW you two need to get some issues straightened out.”

It took a while, but I got down to the Galleria, I took my glock and made sure I had my switchblade on my body, just in case things really started to heat up. I’m SORRY! But there was no way I was going to take a chance. After a while of sitting on a near-by bench, Dick approached me… on ice skates. We talked a while, nothing too major. He…. apologized for everything that was going on, I pretty much stayed silent at that, only saying bits and pieces on that matter. Things were... okay for a while. I even rented a pair of ice skates and skated with him out on the ice. But—it’s just how one says, “All good things are bound to go bad.” With that sense, things did get a little ugly. Words were said—I really can’t remember specifics, but it sounded like—he raised his voice, I thought he was going to strike me. I could feel the tears streaming down my cheeks. “I think I better go.” I didn’t even wait for an answer. I just…left. I got my shoes and headed for my car, I need to get out of there.

Little did I know, he followed me. He scared the living shit out of me when he came up on the side of the car. With reflex, I reached for my gun and… OHGOD—I… I pulled it on him. I could feel my hands shaking; I really didn’t want to do it, but in all honesty, I know I wouldn’t be able to actually carry out the plan. “GET out of here!” He stayed, but only backed off. I cocked the gun and kept it aimed on him. As soon as I did that, he slowly started to back away saying, “Fine. I’ll leave. But remember…watch yourself.” As soon as he was gone, I dropped the gun and broke into tears. I was SO angry with myself, so scared… I didn’t know what to do. I--I pulled a gun on him! I pulled it—The safety was OFF and my finger was on the trigger, it could have gone off, it could have... hit him. I really didn’t mean to, HONESTLY.

I guess, Roy was watching the entire thing and got kind of worried and he approached the car and tapped on the window. I thought it was Dick again, I thought he was coming back for me to… finish what he started. I quickly reacted and picked up the gun and trained it on the window. But as soon as I saw his red hair, I dropped again and let him in. I apologized for pulling it on him. He told me it was “okay”, but I knew it wasn’t. That just added to the horrible feeling that I was already feeling. I pretty much broke down on the spot after that, I kept crying uncontrollably. It may sound pathetic to you, but let me tell you, the entire action that I took to handle that was pathetic. DRAWING a gun…on the FIRST man I ever loved?? And on ROY no less!!??

Roy talked to me for a while… he calmed me down SO much—Bless that man. ::note to self: Do something VERY nice for Roy:: He told me that I should really resolve my problems with Dick before things got any worse. I took his advice to heart. After he got out of the car, I drove my self down to Buldhaven, to try and make amends. I knocked on his door—he answered. Forgetting about everything I…hugged him. Told him I was sorry for what I did. I could only hope that he would forgive me. For… the rest of the night we talked. We tried to settle the difference we did have and in SOME odd fashion... it worked. It took a LOT of time, but we talked it out.

It’s still hard for me to let him get close to me, but I’m working on it. I KNOW he wouldn’t hurt me intently, but I keep getting that FEAR that he’s going to attack me again. I KNOW it’s probably just paranoia that’s doing it to me. When I left his place… he touched my cheek, telling me things would “be alright.” I didn’t tense and I didn’t back away. I just let him caress my cheek. And you know something?? It actually brought GOOD memories… for once.

I got home just a few minutes ago… well, maybe about half an hour ago after finishing this entry. Wally’s inside asleep on the bed, with Virgo and Sparks at his side. It really is a cute sight, but perhaps tonight, I might be able to rest a little easier... IF I’m to rest at all.

--END--