| Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine's Day. "Since Valentine's Day is for a Christian saint and we're Jewish," she asks, "will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?" Melissa's father thinks a bit, then says, "No, I don't think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a valentine to?" "Osama Bin Laden," she says. "Why Osama Bin Laden," her father asks in shock. "Well," she says, "I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a valentine, he might start to think that maybe we're not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. "And if other kids saw what I did and sent valentines to Osama, he'd love everyone a lot. And then he'd start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn't hate anyone anymore." Her father's heart sweells and he looks at his daughter with newfound pride. "Melissa, that's the most wonderful thing I've ever heard." "I know," Melissa says, "and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could blow the shit out of him." |
| One day, Little Tommy wanders into the local brothel, dragging a dead frog on a piece of string along behind him (FX: thud thud thud etc.) He goes up to the woman at the front and says "Please, Miss, I'd like a girl please." "Go home, sonny" replies the proprietor, not unkindly, "you're too young yet for this." Tommy reaches into his pocket and drags out a �50 note which he slaps on the desk and beams brightly. "Up the stairs, third door on the right" comes the reply as the �50 vanishes. Tommy starts to climb the stairs, (Thud thud etc.) when he runs back again. "I forgot, this girl has got to have active herpes!" he cries. "No way kid, all our girls are clean!" Tommy reaches into the other pocket and another �50 appears. "Ah, last door on the left..." he is told. Tommy climbs the stairs, still dragging the dead frog on the string (thud thud thud), and some time later reappears. He waves to the woman at the front desk and is about to go out (avec frog) when she calls him back. "I can understand curiosity at your age," she says, "but why the active herpes?" "Well," says Tommy, "when I go home, the baby sitter will be there. I'll screw her before she goes home and she'll get the herpes. Later on, dad'll take her home and have her in the back of the Mercedes, and he'll get the herpes. Later, he'll get back and jump on mummy and she will get the herpes too. In the morning, daddy'll go to work, the milkman will come and get in bed with mummy and he'll get the herpes and HE'S THE BASTARD WHO RAN OVER MY FROG!" |
| There was once a Clairvoyant Little Boy, who could foresee the future. One night while saying his prayers, the little boy was heard to finish, �God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma, goodbye Grandpa." The next day his grandfather dropped dead of a heart attack. A few weeks later, the little boy was praying, "God bless Mommy, God bless Daddy, goodbye Grandma." The next day his poor grandmother was hit by a bus while crossing the street -- she never felt a thing. A month or so later, the little boy was praying and said, "God blessMommy, goodbye Daddy." His father panicked. He had himself driven, very carefully and slowly, to work, by an armed guard in an armored security truck he hired. He couldn't concentrate, however, thinking about those words,"Goodbye Daddy." He finally came home early, but very carefully. He was met at the front door by his wife, who said, "What do you think happened today, dear? The most awful thing -- the milkman dropped dead on the back porch." |
| ~He who laughs last thinks slowest ~Anything you say will be misquoted, then used against you. ~Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy. ~If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? ~What happens if you get scared half to death twice? |
| Young love: I love you because I need you. Mature Love: I need you because I love you. |
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| "Life is a gift given to be enjoyed, not a trial meant to be survived" -Myth Chaser "Are you doing what you're doing today because you want to do it, or because it's what you were doing yesterday?" -Dr. Phil McGraw "Danger lies not in what we don't know, but in what we think we know that just ain't so." -Mark Twain "People only see what they are prepared to see." -Ralph Waldo Emerson "The lust for comfort murders the passions of the soul." -Kahlil Gibran "Love is the condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own." -Robert A. Heinlein |
| Quotes: |
"The only devils in this world are those running around inside our own hearts, and that is where all our battles should be fought." -Mahatma Ghandi "Life must be lived as play." -Plato "The real problem is in the hearts and minds of men. It is easier to denature plutonium than to denature the evil spirit of man." -Albert Einstein "Don't worry about life, you're not going to survive it anyway." -Anonymous |
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