Squirming Maggots Live Under Rocks
Conclusion
But Scully was not so quick to give up. After Mulder had finished talking to Elly Mae, his next stop was the cantankerous and outspoken family member known simply as "Granny Clampett." This gutsy broad toted a shotgun, took no crap from anyone and was constantly pestering Jed to let the family go back home to the Ozarks. She had no love left for Beverly Hills and pined away for her impoverished past existence, which included a rundown shack where she'd been raised herself.
The diminutive Granny had been cooking up groundhog stew in the kitchen as Mulder rapped on the door. Upon entering, he greeted the elderly woman with a warm, "Hello there. Do you mind if I talk to you for a little while?" Mulder's instincts told him that there was much more to Granny than shooting at unwanted trespassers and cooking strange food that smelled like something Jeffry Dahmer had prepared for a typical, macabre lunch.
"What do you want to talk to me for?" Granny shot back, testing her stew and shaking a liberal---a very liberal handful of salt. "I ain't gonna answer any questions until you try my stew, to see if it's fit for consumption." Granny scooped a ladel-full of the most grotesque-looking food Mulder had ever seen and insisted that he try it.
Recoiling in horror, Mulder figured that finding information about Granny Clampett in her own words was an impossibility, so he walked away and left her with her cooking. Could this strange little person be the angry entity that was out for bloodlusting revenge for unearthing a hillbilly burial ground? She most certainly had the motive and the means: She was securely tied to her mountain folk and she might very well have killed off intruders, just by feeding them some of her "delicacies," which included raw turkey heart.
Now it was Scully's turn once more to make an attempt to crack the simpleton facade of these bizarre Clampetts and unearth the truth that both she and Mulder knew was out there. Since Mulder hadn't gotten anywhere with Elly Mae, she decided to give her a try. Scully found the lissome young woman on the pool deck sunning herself and sipping lemonaide and sat down beside her. As Scully chatted the seemingly sweet and innocent member of the Clampett clan, she began to get some obscure hints as to the real identity of this young woman---why did she wear a piece of rope for a belt when her family were millionaires? Why didn't she have a job? After all, the hillbillies couldn't possibly be living the life of leisure, all the while justifying a pervasive laziness in the young folks--namely, the cornfed Jethro and his knockout cousin, Elly Mae.
Pushing a bothersome strand of hair from her face, Agent Scully listened intently as Elly went of on peculiar tangents that seemed, on the surface anyway, to make very little sense. "Miss Scully, did I tell you that I have a feller? His name is Dash Riprock and he's a famous movie star. Don't you wish you were me? Jethro says he's not near good enough for me, but I think he's jealous."
"What do you mean by that, Elly? Why would your cousin feel threatened by YOUR boyfriend? Please explain."
Elly May began to giggle in an oddly childish manner that sharply contrasted with her biological age. "Why, Miss Scully, I'm surprised at you. Don't you know that Jethro is sweet on me too? He brings me dandelions that he picks on the Drysdale's front lawn and swims naked with me in the cement pond." She settled back in her poolside chair and looked smugly at the perplexed and somewhat disturbed Scully. Clearing her throat to speak, she found that words would not come---at least, words that could adequately respond to such inane talk of overt incest. Was THIS the Beverly Hillbillies she'd known ever since the show went into reruns and she'd watched it happily as a small child?
"Elly---Elly, I have to ask, so don't take offence. Don't you know that first cousins should never have a romantic relationship? It's even dicey when a person dates his second cousin, but first?? I think you and I should have a little talk." Scully wasn't sure exactly how such a conversation would play out, but she had to impress upon this beautiful but vacuuous woman that incest was definitely NOT best.
To Scully's dismay, Elly replied simply, "So what? We love each other. And I already know about them birds and bees. My pa told me when I was ten. Did you know that I'm an old maid? Most of our kin get hitched when they're fourteen. I should really be having kids by now." Elly twisted one of her braids and smiled somewhat shyly. She looked and appeared to Scully like a little lost girl, frantically trying to please her father and feeling torn between this Dash Riprock person and her slow-witted cousin.
Just then, Mulder walked up to the two women with the announcement that the next family member to be interrogated was the moustachioed Jed Clampett, a man who's liberal use of the hokey expression, "We-e-e-e-ll Doggies!" gave him the aura of the quintessential hayseed. Would the two agents have anymore luck with him than they'd had with the others? Time would tell. Mulder was getting fed up with the wild goose chase on which he and Scully were racing and he said to his partner, in slow, laconical tones that were his wont, "Scully, may I suggest that we cut our losses and get the hell away from these scary people? Even if they are the ones wreaking vengeance on the citizens of Beverly Hills for desictrating a hillbilly graveyard, how will we ever prove it? They give the impression of being the salt of the earth, with strong family values and close ties to one another. Do you really think that anything could be gained by digging any deeper into this family and their lives? They're displaced hillbillies, Scully. There's nothing more to gleen from here."
Scully shook her head in disagreement. "Mulder, we can't just abandon this X file. You yourself said that this really is one of those and I've never known you to turn your back on a case such as this. And besides all that, Elly Mae is having sexual relations with her cousin, Jethro!" Do you still think these people are "the salt of the earth?" I don't think so." Scully straightened her jacket and looked intently into Mulder's sky-blue eyes. "Do you realize that, unless we've tumbled backward in time and landed right in the middle of the "Deliverance" nightmare, these people are our best link to the disturbed graves. If they support and condone incest, they could and very well should be considered as the people who are hellbent on revenge. Don't let the beguiling Elly sway you."
"Scully, when have I ever had my head turned by a beautiful woman. I haven't been laid in ten years for God's sake. To even entertain the notion of being sexually attracted to that woman is terribly wrong and ludicrous."
Just then, Jethro called out to the two agents, "Hey, soup's on! Granny fixed us a nice mess of groundhog stew and if you don't hurry up I'll eat the whole thing all by myself."
Scully made a face. "God, Mulder, I don't know about you, but I would rather starve to death than partake in a meal consisting of cute, furry little animals boiled into oblivion." She looked at her watch and then spoke slowly to her partner. "We only have a few more hours---four to be exact, to find out who desicrated the graveyard. My money's on Granny. She's sharp as a whip, unlike the other three. If anyone could mastermind a grisly plot, it's that machete-tongued powerhouse, age notwithstanding.
However, before the agents could come up with another plan, Mulder was seized from behind and knocked hard on his head with a heavy, blunt object. Scully tried to get a look at the assailant, but he or she had taken off so quickly that she just caught his or her back as he or she retreated. Mulder was momentarily stunned, but awakened somewhat confused. "Scully," he began, rubbing the large bump forming at the top of his head, "Do you think one of those Clampett's did it?"
Scully helped her partner to his feet. "I don't know, Mulder. At this point I'm not sure of anything. Do you think that we should investigate those neighbours, the Drysdales? I heard that he owns the bank that holds the Clampett fortune and that his over-dressed, over-make-upped wife hated the Clampetts. "Mrs. Drysdale apparently cares more for her yappy little poodle than she does for her husband. Doesn't that tell you something?"
Mulder paused for a moment, then responded, "It tells me that the Drysdales are an exceedinly normal couple. Why do you think I never got married and I've never pursued a relationship with you, Scully.
"Hmmm. I thought it was because you were gay. Are you telling me that you're not?" Scully was aghast at this new knowledge.
"What??? You thought I was GAY??? Where in hell did you get THAT information?" He was angered and more than a bit hurt to think that his longtime partner knew nothing about his sexualty. "You know, just because I haven't jumped your bones doesn't give you the right to determine whether or not I'm gay, straight or bi. Sometimes you make me so angry, Scully. How would you like me to say that about you?" Mulder was distracted from their case by this tidbit of information and it threatened to overshadow the Clampett situation. "When I was talking with Elly Mae, I actually fantasized that we made love together in the "cement pond." So there."
"Really, Mulder. You don't have to do the drama queen thing. It was just a thought and I'm sorry I said it. Okay? Is everything back to normal now?"
But before Mulder had time to respond, the agents were trapped when a giant net was dropped over them, holding them fast. Mulder turned his head and saw, to his shock and amazement, that their captors were neither the Clampetts nor the Drysdales. The person responsible was none other than Miss Jane Hathaway, the rather plain, very thin secretary to Milburn Drysdale.
Miss Jane chuckled as she watched the agents desperately trying to extricate themselves from the net, which was made of steel wire. "Well, well well," she began, clapping her hands together. "What have we here? Hmmm, it looks like agents Fox Mulder and Dana Scully. My, my, aren't you two in a pickle. You just couldn't leave things alone, could you? You had to come here, to Bevely Hills, to find out who destroyed that graveyard where Elly Mae's mother was interred. Well, who has the last laugh now? Well, gee, I guess it's none other than little old me, the cast member who's made out to be some kind of pervert for loving a much younger man. That would be the incredibly sexy, smouldering and tittilating Jethro Bodine."
Mulder was slowly putting the pieces together. As he felt the tight wire choking him, he managed to say, "I think I'm beginning to figure this out. Is it that you and Jethro have a thing going on and----"
Miss Jane quickly cut him off."Wait until I finish. You are a very rude young man. Anyone ever tell you that?" But before Mulder could respond, the angry woman continued, "I've been having an intense, sexually-charged relationship with that hunky Clampett boy. He makes me feel like no other man of my age or older. He possesses this odd kind of innocence and actually is not nearly as dim-witted as many think. Oh, sure, he's no Einstein, but, oh, those long, hot summer nights, when we lie naked---"
Now it was Scully's turn to interrupt. "Okay, okay, we get the picture. No need to give us too much information. Just what do you want with us, ma'am." Scully knew it was useless trying to escape Miss Jane's trap, for the harder she and Mulder struggled, the more encased they became. It remineded Scully of that game with the paper cylinder in which one places the index finger of each hand. The more the person struggles and pulls on it, the more tightly bound their fingers become.
Mulder was then quick to interject, "Did you know that there's yet another "Star Trek" show called "Voyager", in which the captain of the Enterprise is named Captain Janeway? As in Jane (Hatha)way?"
"All right, you've done it now," Hathaway snarled. "Just for that silly crack, you'll be drowned in the Clampett pool first. I'm going to let your friend out of the net, but you must stay in it. Let me tell you, young man, that it's not going to be very much fun trying to avoid a watery grave when you're trapped in this wire contraption of mine."
As Scully was released, Miss Jane tied her to one of the pool seats, she pushed Mulder into the "cement pond" and then stood guard over Scully, while she enjoyed the pleasure of watching him fight for his life and ultimately lose it, sliding limply into a watery grave. It most certainly looked as though that would actually transpire for the hapless Mulder, whose had more near-disasters over the show's seven-year history, making this dire circumstance appear mild in comparrison.
As Miss Jane stood their laughing and Mulder was having difficulty keeping his head above water, who should come rushing toward them but Jethro Bodine himself. "Hey there, Miss Jane!" he cried out, wondering what was happening. "What's that there in the cee-ment pond?"
Miss Hathaway turned to gaze lovingly at her beau and murmured in unmistakably sexy tones. "Oh, hello, Jethro. I'm just playing a little game with these two people. It's wonderful to see you, my boy and you look SO very handsome today."
Scully couldn't help noting how pathetic this woman was and would have felt genuine compassion for her if she weren't killing her partner in front of her. She watched as the grinning Jethro patted Miss Jane on the head and exclaimed, "That looks like a lot of fun. Can I play whatever game that guy in the cee-ment pond is doing?"
By this time, Mulder had disappeared below the surface, with only bubbles indicating that he was still alive, to Scully's relief. Still, Mulder had only a couple of minutes before certain disaster, so she suddenly cried out, "Jethro! She's killing my partner!! Can't you see that he's drowing??? Please, please rescue him! Your friend, Jane is a psychopath!"
"What's a psychopath?" Jethro asked, a bemused look on his ruddy-complexioned face.
"Never mind!! Just jump in the pool and get him out! Now!!" Scully knew, then, that absolutely everyone they'd met at this mansion were beyond insane. There wasn't even a word to describe how clueless every person was. Just then, Scully saw her opportunity. She'd been working furiously at the ropes that binded her and was at long last, free. While Miss Jane was temporarily distracted by Jethro, Scully ran to the pool, leapt in and struggled with the entrapped Mulder until she got his head above water.
Choking and gasping, Mulder was alive and breathing on his own, but there were more obstacles to face as yet. Miss Jane, turning her attention back on the two agents, grabbed Jed's shotgun, which he'd left by the poolside and aimed it at Mulder and Scully.
"You think you're really clever, don't you?" She sneered, pointing the gun at Mulder's head. "I think I'll kill you first," she said to him, "because I'll bet you think I'm a very plain woman, don't you? All of you movie-star playboys shun me and you know why? Because I have the intelligence and the integrity to make it in this world WITHOUT being beautiful. Those men are out of reach for me and so this nice, simple hillbilly here is what I have to settle for. HE thinks I'm sexy and a real woman, unlike you. So say your prayers, pretty boy."
"Miss Jane, you ain't gonna shoot them are you?" Jethro exclaimed in horror. "That there gun's just for huntin' possum and the like, not human beings. You shoot them and you're gonna go to jail. I ain't THAT stupid."
Miss Jane continued to aim her weapon at the agents, but Jethro's words must have had some effect, for she began to meander off into a verbal stream-of-consciousness diatribe that made no sense to anyone, but at least kept her distracted enough so that Jethro was able to wrestle the rifle from her. "Jethro Bodine!! You've betrayed me!! How could you?? Don't I tell you how beautiful you are and how much I love you? Doesn't that mean anything to you? Have you any idea of the lengths I went to in order that we could be together forever? I desicrated a graveyard where your mother was buried, because you'd always told me that when she was alive, she wanted you to marry a virgin from the Ozarks. I hated her for that. If it weren't for Mrs. Bodine, you'd love me---I know you would. Tell me, Jethro dear. Tell me that your mother's words meant nothing, that you and I should and will be together until we die. Tell me, Jethro, please!!!"
Jethro took several steps away from the crazed Miss Jane and said in frightened tones, "You destroyed my ma's grave? Why?"
Just then, Granny, Uncle Jed and Elly Mae appeared, having heard Miss Jane Hathaway's outcries. Suddenly, everything made sense to the Clampetts, as well as Mulder and Scully.
"Guess this wasn't an X file after all," Mulder said, sounding somewhat disappointed. "Just some crazed mortal woman going to a tremendous amount of trouble and destruction to win the heart of a young hillbilly, a hillbilly with a sixth-grade education." Such was the power of sexual frustration. Miss Jane would have plenty of sex in the prison in which she'd ultimately be incarcerated---just not with men.
It looked as though everything had been wrapped up and the Clampett family were definitely not alien beings, sent to earth to play different roles in our modern society and shaking things up by portraying people such as hillbillies living out of their element in a glitzy world of films and debauchery. The agents were somewhat disappointed, but decided that Skinner would go easy on them, considering that Mulder could have died.
* * * * *
As Mulder and Scully made their way back home, in much need of rest after this latest ordeal, strange things were transpiring at the Clampett mansion. Uncle Jed, Elly Mae, Granny and Jethro sat around the kitchen table, eating raw possum and fresh road kill. To better get a good mouthful of fly-ridden carcass, all four of them pulled off the skin of their faces to reveal horribly mutated creatures that had been growing more and more grotesque as generation after generation of the Clampett family practised incest with abandon. Nearly two hundred years before, their ancestors had begun having sexual relations with close family members, producing children with a myriad of deformaties, both physical and mental. Now, two centuries later and at the beginning of a new millennium, the angry gods above, who abhore anything having to do with incest, were going to make these sick people pay.
Mulder and Scully would never know what horrors lay under a thin veneer of pseudo-skin and that the Clampetts were, in many ways, the quintessential X file.
End.
