I woke up this morning, walked outside, and shot some pigeons. I step on them, too, when I get the chance. There are only a couple million things that piss me off more than pigeons. But that's it. Pigeons and two million other things. I went back inside and went searching for a few more.
I was watching the television and, unfortunately, I find out that this Erykah Badu woman not only spells her own name incorrectly, but has also decided to name her first child "Seven." It would be interesting to know whether this child will just write the number '7' to sign his or her name, or if he or she will have to perform the daunting task of spelling out this five-letter word. Why don't people give kids real names anymore? Rich, John, Bob, something like that. If it's a boy, of course. Your daughter is going to have some real problems with a name like Bob. All these new age names are such a pain in the ass. Names like Cameron, Dustin, or Zacque with a "que." How fucking confusing is that? It's like "what's your name?" "Zacque." "How do you spell it?" "Z-A-C-Q-U-E." Oh, yeah? Well my name's Dan and I spell it "Go Fuck Yourself!" The people who have these names were given these names by people who experienced the 1970s, and I think that explains a lot. My God, what an atrocity that decade was, yet everywhere I go, kids seem to think it was really cool. All this seventies retro crap all over. Ladies and gentlemen, people were on some serious drugs all the time back then. They took these drugs, had sex, and had us. 'Nuff said.
I have a question for some of the ad agencies out there. Who lets the ugly girls become models? I'm looking through some magazine and there's an ad for Tommy Hilfiger or some damn thing, and Mr. Ed's kid is on the page wearing the clothes. I'm thinking this has got to be the photographer's daughter. It also goes without saying that her calorie intake has yet to reach the double-digit mark, not to mention her freaking IQ. What the hell is wrong with these people watching their fat intake? I suppose it's healthy, but we've gone a little overboard. These are often the same people who you hear complaining about the hunger problem in this country. You won't hear a bum complain about the calorie content of the food he gets, if he even does get any. From now on, whenever I'm around these people, I'm going to eat sandwiches made of raw meat. A lot of them are vegetarians, so that should piss them off on a few different levels. And I'll wash down my meat sandwich with a nice, tall glass of melted butter.
Speaking of the homeless problem, I'd like to clarify the difference between homeless person and college student. (By the way, I hate when people use the segue "speaking of" when conversing, but I'll let it slide this time because it's me.) Now, college student means you have access to a great deal of money. I'm not saying that you can pull out huge bankrolls on demand. I just mean that this place costs almost $30,000 yearly, and regardless of how you pay this amount, you pay it. Homeless person, or bum, often means the only way you have access to money by saying things like "Gimme a quarter." If I hear another moron tell a bum that he is a "poor college student," I swear I'll shoot that mother fucker like I did those stupid fucking pigeons. But I'd feel good about it. Because that's another thing that chaps my ass. People who don't like it when you're pissed. |
