Author: Jessie
Jessica�s POV
I sat by Dan�s bed for a week and he was in and out of consciousness. He would try and talk to me but his body was so weak he just laid there and I held his hand talking to him for the majority of the time. Dr. Lachey as he said was Dan�s doctor for that week since Dr. Matthews was away. He was very nice and not like most doctors�s who are there just because it�s their job, he asked how I was and talked when I needed to, he answered every single question I had and he wasn�t bad looking either. But I quickly yelled at myself for even thinking that. I knew if I told Dan he�d roll his eyes and laugh at me. Dan�s parents and mine plus both are families were constantly coming in and out of his room and checking on both him and I. I refused to leave his side but one morning he argued with me and made me go get myself some coffee.
�Baby�I�m not leaving your side.� I squeezed his hand.
�Jessie, honey go�you need your coffee. I�ll be fine for 2 minutes.� He tried smiling for me. I looked at him uncertain and gave him a kiss.
�I love you and I�ll be RIGHT BACK!� He laughed at me and kissed me back. He smacked my butt when I walked by and I giggled at him.
�I love you too sweetheart.� I looked back at him one more time and walked down to the cafeteria. I decided to grab myself a cream cheese Danish along with my coffee and I made my way back up to Dan�s floor. I took the stairs instead of the elevator so I could just walk and think about everything going on. I hadn�t really allowed myself to take it in yet because I wanted to be strong for Dan. I made it back to the wing he was in and saw Doctors running past me�one of them was Dr. Lachey. I immediately panicked. I ran down towards Dan�s room and my fear became reality. I saw at least 3 doctors and 2 nurses hovered around his bed. I froze and stood there not being able to move or think clear. I don�t know how long I was standing there, I blocked it out, I didn�t care but I came back to it when I saw the doctors and nurses slowly waking out. I didn�t understand what was happening but Dr. Lachey walked out last and closed the door behind him, he had a long look on his face and my unshed tears threatened to fall more and more with each look into his face. I felt his hand on my shoulder and he was guiding me over to some area. He opened to door and I looked around at the room I was in now. It was his on call room. He sat me down and I started shaking.
�Mrs. Lewis�I�m so sorry but�� I didn�t let him finish, I was shaking and my coffee just fell out of my hands along with the Danish. He was sitting in a chair across from me and he moved back. I looked down.
�Oh, I�m�I�m sorry.� I began to pick it up and he stopped me.
�Mrs. Lewis��
�Jessica�my name, it�s�you can call me Jessica.� I was mumbling and going on.
�Okay�Jessica, you need to calm down. We did everything we could but his body couldn�t fight the pneumonia anymore, his immune system was just too weak.� Still the tears wouldn�t fall. I sat there quiet for a minute.
�Did he suffer?� Dr. Lachey looked at me and shook his head no.
�He was sleeping and just stopped breathing, his body shut down, he didn�t feel anything. I promise you that.� I looked at him and finally the tears that wouldn�t fall before were falling. I leaned forward and Dr. Lachey caught me and hugged me.
�I�m sorry Jessica�� I nodded and cried harder.
~*2 Months Later*~
Journal Entry
March 15, 2000
50, 80, 100�250. Stupid numbers go higher and higher. Its 10 am and I�m sitting by the window looking at the kids across the street playing with their dad. That was today�s final number of calories I took in�250. Gosh, I�m making myself fat. Tomorrow I need to cut back, it has to be less. I looked at myself in the mirror today, I hate what I see, I hate myself every time I look in the mirror, and whoever invented those things obviously was a beautiful skinny model or something. I sighed. I weighed myself again, sixth time today. 105 pounds. I�m so fat. I don�t know what Dan ever saw in me but some fat pig...I am. Why is it only me that can see this? I am so mad at myself; I hate what I see�why can�t I be like the others? What�s wrong with me? There�s no reason to eat anymore anyways, Dan is gone and it�s just not worth anything anymore. 2 months, it�s been 2 months since he left me. I have to go into the studio today. I�ll skip lunch it�ll be easy since I can just work straight through. I have to get ready for the studio. I�ll write soon.
Love,
Jessie
I sighed and put my journal on the table. I got up and showered then got dressed. I pulled out of the driveway and made my way down to the studio. I was there for a bout 6 hours and finally at 5 I was able to leave for the day�.that�s normally early but I�d asked to leave at that time so I could make a meeting I�d wanted to check out. I drove to the LA hospital and walked up to the cancer ward. I asked the nurse where the meeting was and she directed me to it. I walked in and saw 8 or 9 people sitting in a circle waiting�I walked in slowly and felt eyes on me. I took a seat that wasn�t completely in the circle but still near the people. I sat quietly, this was a meeting for family members coping with the loss of family from cancer and my mom had told me about it. At first I flat out refused and she left me alone with the information, the more I read it the more I wanted to go and see if it could help. I was sitting there for a good 10 minutes before the doctor who was in charge of the program showed up. I looked up and noticed him immediately�it was Dr. Lachey. He noticed me too and took the empty seat that was near me.
�We have a new person here today�her name is Jessica Simpson-Lewis.� He pointed to me and everyone said hi. I just looked up kind of smiled and waved. The meeting lasted 2 hours, it was long and I was uncomfortable at first but then I began to get comfortable with the people. I gathered my things and promised to be back for next weeks meeting. I was the last to leave besides Dr. Lachey and when I got to the doorway he called my name and stopped me.
�Mrs. Lew�sorry I mean Jessica.� I turned and smiled at him. �Are you okay?� I looked at him weird.
�Of course, this meeting really helped me thank you.� He walked near me.
�No, no�I mean you, physically�� I froze�how could he know?
�Yes, I am fine.� I tried playing cool. �Why?� He shrugged his shoulders.
�I don�t know�you looked kind of, frail and thin. Are you eating correctly?� I got mad now.
�Yes I am not that it is any of your business. You were my husband�s doctor for a short time and you are the leader of this meeting but you don�t know me and you have no business with me except to help me when I am here for these meetings. If you�ll excuse me I am going to go home now!� I yelled at him and turned on my heel walking to my car and heading home. I got home and cried for 2 hours straight and ate ice cream. When I was done I went back in and ate some cake and 2 diet cokes. I watched TV for a couple hours and before bed I went into the bathroom and made myself sick. I changed for bed and went to my bedroom, I read a stupid book for a short time and then finally gave up and after making myself sick one more time I went to bed and slept through the whole night�that was the first time I�d done that in a LONG time.
End of part 2.