*~*~*~*~*~*

Nick had always been a heavy sleeper, attuned to sleep through anything bar the sound of a ringing phone. Jessica had long since given up on asking 'Nick are you awake' in an ever increasing tone because he never was. Unfortunately for him, there was now a miniature person whose cries in the middle of the night to Nick's tired brain sounded exactly like the phone. He's lost count of the number of times he's jumped awake and lunged for the phone mumbling 'what?' only to hear Jessica giggle and say 'it's the baby.' She finds it hilarious. He feels it's another one of life's attempts to annoy him.

Tonight the baby has been restless. Nick's barely been further than the edge of sleep so far, so he's well aware of what, or who as the case really is, has woken him again. "He's due for a feed anyway" he hears Jessica tiredly mumble and he relaxes thinking that should keep the baby quiet so he can get at least a 20 minute nap. When Nick awakes again it is to a silent room and light creeping through the blinds. Day is breaking and he's all alone. If he listens intently he can just hear the mewling of his still cranky son. Dragging himself out of bed he goes in search of his family.

He finds Jessica pacing, swaying and patting. He can hear her soft voice cooing to the baby above his constant cries. Her frustration evident in the pleading words if not the tone. She's circling the room and hasn't heard his entrance. When she spies him in the doorway her face is as miserable as their child sounds. Tears of desperation and frustration well in Jessica's eyes, "He just won't settle" she says in a shaky voice.

Nick, pajama bottoms hung low, patters over to them and takes the baby from her, cradling him against the warmth of his bare chest. His neck and shoulder are met with a sudden rush of drool and mucus and his eardrum feels pierced from the cries of his boy. "Go to bed" he whispers brushing his lips across her forehead. The fact she immediately acquiesces is an indicator of just how worn out Jessica is. She leaves him with no instructions, no suggestions, just a resigned nod of her head and a weary disheartened walk away.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Jessica wakes to the feel of lips pressed against hers. She smiles against them. They taste good, a hint of the coffee she's still not allowed and minty fresh breath. She opens her eyes and sees Nick fully dressed and ready for work. She looks at the clock and realizes she's been asleep four whole hours. She doesn't remember the last time that happened. Sitting up she can see her son sleeping peacefully in his cot and looks at Nick confused. "He hasn't woken for his feeding?"

"He did, it's done and he's out like a light again."

Jessica looks at her chest and back at Nick thinking I'm sure I'd remember that happening. He laughs at her confused expression. "I used some of the pumped milk. You needed a break Jess" he says "And hey I couldn't let your 3 hour lecture on the correct way to thaw frozen breast milk go to waste now could I?"

Oh yeah she thinks laughing at herself as all the pieces begin to fit into place. "Did he sleep at all for you earlier?" She asks surprised Nick looks so fresh when she'd felt so frazzled.

"Yeah he dropped off about 20 minutes after the changing of the guard." Nick sits down on the edge of the bed and plays with her hand.

"He did?" Jessica asks with a hint of disappointment in her tone. She'd tried everything to no avail and then along comes Nick and problems solved. It's not the first time that's happened either. Parenthood sure can be an ego destroyer. "How did you do it?"

"I practiced my closing on him."

Jessica laughs then whispers "oh dear."

Nick chuckles "Yeah not exactly a ringing endorsement. I'm considering a rewrite."

"I'm sure it was fine" she squeezes his hand reassuringly "and full of Nick Lachey's much envied passion."

"Ah even when all the world's against me I can still rely on you" he says.

"Weeeeeeeeell" she replies skeptically and he puts his hand over his heart as if wounded. She smiles and he leans over and kisses her.

"I've got to go, so rest up while he's asleep and I'll be home early tonight."

She watches Nick go then looks over at her sleeping son. She lies back down and lets the sound of his breathing lull her back to sleep.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Nick arrives home and immediately feels he's walked into a war zone. His senses are assaulted by his son's piercing screams. He picks his way precariously through the assorted baby products spread haphazardly throughout the room. His eyes focused on the ground until the increase of noise informs him his wife has entered the room. He looks up and into the eyes of his none to happy wife. He grimaces when his next step results in a loud squawk from the floor. He looks down and pushes the offending duck away with his foot.

"Where the hell have you been?" Jessica hisses menacingly.

"I uh ..." He begins to form an excuse but when he looks up she's already turned and is walking out of the room.

Although the ensuing silence is welcomed he knows better than to remain behind. He dumps his case onto the couch, kicks the rubber duck for good measure, ignoring its startled cry, and seeking out the wails of his son, finds his wife and child in the bathroom. Jessica's stomps and furious actions as she makes preparations for the baby's bath feel like accusations to him. He jumps out of the way when she turns suddenly heading in his direction, plastering himself against the wall, trying to take up as little room as is possible. She passes him by as if he isn't there. Yes, she's definitely got her 'I'm annoyed at you' blinkers on tonight. He watches her amazed at how efficient she is with only one arm free. Spinning and reaching, gathering and carrying, back and forth all while holding the screaming baby safe and secure.

"I can hold him for you if you want" he offers not sure if he's trying to save her ears or the baby from motion sickness.

"I'm fine Nick!" She replies stopping her motions just long enough to glare at him "We do this every night."

Feeling himself shrivel under her gaze Nick tries to defend his offer. "It's just he doesn't look happ..." he begins to say before wishing he could bite off his tongue. He can't though the foot in his mouth is blocking the way.

"Well maybe he isn't but we can't all be off doing whatever we want whenever we want now can we? Some of us have responsibilities and obligations Nick. It's time for his bath and I'm not changing 'his' schedule just because 'you' can't keep to 'yours'."

Yep it's a war zone all right. Nick lost count of the number of bullets in that exchange of crossfire. He looks around the room desperate for inspiration. He considers picking up a diaper and waving it requesting a truce but doubts Jessica would see the humor in it tonight. Marriage has taught him to choose his battles wisely and this one isn't worth getting into, especially when you consider he is home four hours later than he promised. An argument with Jessica when she's about to immerse his squirming and soon to be slippery son into his bath is not only unwanted but unfair to her.

She needs all the concentration she can muster for that activity. Nick swears the baby's part fish. He has no idea how Jessica manages to keep his head above water. He tried bathing him once and ended up wetter than the child. They have a system now; Jessica takes care of the actual bathing while Nick tries to teach his son to splash in her direction. Bath time is his favorite and he knows it is one of the moments both mother and son really enjoy. He loves being an active participant but knows his efforts tonight would be unwelcome. He's not sure if Jessica's body blocking his view is deliberate but feels tonight she may need to do this alone, may need this chance to reconnect with their now placated son.

As he turns to leave the room, Jessica, sensing his departure, has one more zinger ready for him "There's no dinner."

Pausing one foot in the room one foot out he grimaces. He was so close to getting away virtually unscathed. Taking a deep breath, summoning up his courage, he turns and offers "How about I call up for some take out?"

"No!" She says before he's even finished with his offer. "I'll get dinner you'll just have to wait" he nods and turns again barely catching her mumbled "just like the rest of us."

He debates it for thirty seconds pretty certain what her reaction will be to his next offer but feels he'll be damned if he doesn't at least make it. "Do you want me to cook tonight?"

"I said I'll do it!"

He nods, mumbles "Whatever" and practically runs from the room. Reaching the living room he's kicking himself for being late, for antagonizing her, for whatever else it is he's done wrong that he's sure to find out about when she calms enough to shout at him. 'What to do?' he thinks. He needs to get back in her good books but the hard thing about not having a full list of his transgressions is, it's difficult to know what he is allowed to do to show his repentance. He knows dinner can't be touched, the baby can't be touched and he's quite sure if he attempted to touch Jessica she'd break his knees. Looking around at the mess he decides to tidy up.

Arms full of baby belongings he makes his way to the bedroom then stops dead in his tracks the moment he enters. He looks down at the assorted items in his arms and then around the room. Where does it all go? He knows it gets brought out every day but it miraculously finds its own way home at night. That's probably what Jessica's always doing behind him as he dresses the baby after his bath. He often wondered what all that noise and coming and going was about. His options are fairly limited. The idea of searching for the right places for the items doesn't appeal to him that leaves dumping them somewhere. He could dump them on the change table but Jessica is going to want that when she finishes Little Nicholas’s bath. The rocking chair she'll want soon for his nighttime feed, the bed he's still hoping he'll get to use that tonight, the cot ... well yeah that's good thinking Nick.

Running out of options he leaves the room with arms still full. Going back to where he started he empties the contents of his arms onto the couch. If he can't put it away at least he can sort it out to make it easier for Jessica to do later. He sits there putting it into distinguishable piles. Clean clothing, puked on clothing, creams, wipes and other assorted weird looking baby care stuff and then his favorite; toys. Most of the items he has no idea what purpose they serve but the toys make sense, at least to him they do. Nick hasn't noticed the baby care about them much one way or another. The only thing he seems to be excited by is Jessica. Not that Nick doesn't understand that obsession, he definitely shares that one with him. He holds a small material frog that makes a crackling noise when handled up to his face. He wonders what it is inside that makes that weird noise. He smiles at the fact this could be more fun to play with than Jessica. Her warm soft supple body, verses an ugly looking green crackly thing, yeah tough decision there.

Jessica walks into the room and sees Nick sitting with a lap full of toys happily staring at a frog. "I'm so glad you're having fun" she says and walks into the kitchen "Meanwhile I'll do everything around here." What's with him and that stupid frog she wonders. If he expects her to sit through another in depth discussion about what it has inside it he's got another thing coming.

Nick mouths 'help me' at the frog then, pulling a face, throws it onto the toys pile and follows Jessica into the kitchen "I was tidying up."

"Oh I'm so sorry what with all the sitting around doing nothing I've been doing I hadn't noticed how productive you've been."

"That's not what I meant! I know you've..." he decides the fact she's now holding a fry pan would be a good indication he shouldn't aggravate her and lets his argument drop. The problem is, so far he hasn't noticed what he can do that doesn't aggravate her. "Can I do anything to help?"

"No"

"Is he asleep?"

"Yes"

"You sure there's nothing I can do?"

Nick is almost brought to his knees by Jessica's angry glare.

"Um ... ok ... well ... I'll just ... get changed then" he stammers. He pauses before leaving the room but her actions give no indication she's even heard him. He feels the irrational need to get her permission before he does anything tonight but realizes the ridiculousness of the urge and just leaves.

Picking up the jacket he'd left on the couch he decides to take the pile of laundry items too. Even he can work out where they belong. His tie and shirt are flung to the bed while he tries to form a 'combat cranky Jessica' strategy. It would help if he had an idea of the 'steer clear of' topics. He takes a sneak peek at the sleeping baby as he changes into sweats and a T. "Help me out here buddy" he whispers "give your mom a break tonight will ya"

Nick's annoyed with himself for coming home so late. He's missed out on the precious time he normally gets to spend with his son. Holding the baby and watching Jessica's enthralled face as he tells her all the latest courthouse gossip. Watching her bathe and feed the baby, cooing to him as she tells Nick what her activities have been. He loves the times she slips up and says something to him in her 'soothe the baby' voice. He finds that voice as sexy as hell. His coming home late meant he missed those parenting moments he so cherishes. They really bring home to him that he has a family, he's a father and he's never been happier.

Tonight he feels isolated. He feels like a bystander watching his life pass him by. All he's seen since he came home is Jessica whisk their son away, hoarding him to her possessively. He's not angry at her but he is disappointed and a little afraid. He shakes his head, trying to rid it of any maudlin thoughts. He's overreacting, 'She's just had a bad day' he tells himself. 'One bad day does not a disaster make.'

He reaches out and caresses his son. Curling the wispy hair on his head around his fingers, tapping his button nose and insinuating his finger into the sleeping child's grasp. It always amazing him how strong that grasp is. It's just natural that he test it so he raises his hand a little and smiles when the fist refuses to let go. Having succeeded the first time he's compelled to do it again. An action he greatly regrets when the baby stirs then squawks. "Oh shit" Nick mutters backing away. But too late. The baby's definitely awake and his unhappy cries bring his mother rushing into the room.

"What did you do?" She asks hovering over the cot.

"Nothing! I didn't do a thing!" Nick lies then quickly leaves the room sure his guilt will be obvious if he stays. In the kitchen he takes over preparing their meal, determined not to let anything burn. He can't afford to add to his list of sins tonight.

He's pleased to see it doesn't take Jessica too long to return to the kitchen. "Is he asleep?" he asks. She opens her mouth and the flash of her eyes warns him of another tirade. Instinctively he winces. He's not sure if that's what changed her mind or if she just decided he wasn't worth the effort but she doesn't say a word. She merely nods, sighs and wearily sits down. Keeping an eye on their dinner Nick sits too and reaches across the table for her hand. It's not that he's brave he just feels more comfortable keeping her hands free of implements.

"Bad day?" He asks hesitantly.

"No!" She snaps defensively and pulls her hands away.

"So it was good?" Nick sits silently waiting for her to offer something when she doesn't he tries again "so why was it good?"

"Well, Cacee came to visit for one thing."

"That would have been nice for you" he says encouragingly trying to downplay the delight he feels over the fact she's talking to him. He soon realizes the conversation is going to be like pulling teeth though. She's not going to offer him anything he hasn't worked for. Wondering how a visit from Cacee can have affected her mood he asks "It wasn't nice?"

"No, no, it was ... it's just ..." He can see her debating with herself whether to say anything or not. She's obviously reluctant to talk but in the end she does. Looking down at the table in an obvious attempt to avoid his eyes she says "she came while he was asleep and it was good to see her... It was great to see her ..." Again she pauses, reluctant to continue.

"But?" Nick says trying to draw it out of her. He's concerned she has an air of despondency about her and he doesn't know why.

She looks up and hurriedly says "But it meant that I didn't get anything done while Nicholas was sleeping and then ten minutes after she left he woke and you know how he gets at this time of night. It's useless to try and do anything when he's like that and .... and …"With the accusing look in her eyes she doesn't need to voice the 'and you weren't here' he hears it loud and clear anyway. Instead of continuing to speak she waves her hands around indicating the kitchen and the meal that's just started cooking even though it's long past time they ate.

"I'm sorry I was late" Nick says.

She looks back at the table without responding.

He reaches out to take her hand again. She reluctantly allows his touch. Giving them a gentle squeeze he says "Well tomorrow's Saturday and I'll be ..." Her hands immediately pull away.

"Yeah, yeah, I know you'll be here to fix everything." She says angrily then seems genuinely surprised by the vehemence of her own tone. Standing she hurriedly states "I'm not hungry, I'm going to have a bath."

"But Jessica you need to....." She's gone before Nick can say eat.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Leaning back in the bath Jessica tries to allow all her tension and anxiety to wash away. Unfortunately, the bath water circulates sending it all back upon her, wave after wave. The tears of frustration and despair fall unabated now she's alone. She's never felt so lost, so useless as she does now. She's always succeeded before, always been able to believe in herself, no matter what, but not now. Nothing she does is right any more.

It's not like she was foolish enough to believe being a mother was going to be easy. She knew it would be hard but she never thought it would be this oppressive. She never expected it to make her feel so alone. Wasn't it supposed to complete her, fulfill her? What is it she's doing wrong that's stopping this from happening? She's tired of asking herself that. She's frustrated by her failure and knows she's taking this out on the person she really should be turning to. She doesn't know why she's acting this way with Nick but she can't seem to stop herself. Everything he does annoys her and as much as she wants him close when he is she feels smothered, she feels patronized, like he's only there to 'pat the good mommy on the head.'

Jessica doesn't recognize the person she's become and Nick doesn't seem to know her either. He treats her differently. He tip toes around her as if afraid and she doesn't remember the last time she talked to him. She doesn't feel as if she's spoken to anyone since the baby was born, not really talked anyway. Oh there have been endless conversations about how big he's gotten, how cute he is, isn't this wonderful, isn't he sweet, isn't she lucky but it's not sweet, it's not wonderful and somewhere in all of that baby talk she's lost and can't get out.

She's lost sight of who she is and is terrified sooner or later everyone will realize Jessica isn't there any more. This new person, she doesn't even like her much. What will happen when Nick sees her? When he realizes his Jessica is gone. Is he going to hate who she's become too?

A sound on the other side of the door alerts Jessica to Nick's presence. She splashes water over her face trying to disguise the fact she's been crying in case he comes in. She desperately hopes he'll see the closed door as a sign she doesn't want him near. She's fought for so long not to let him see her like this. When he knocks quietly and calls her name she almost sobs for joy that he's too afraid to enter, until she remembers the old Nick wouldn't have thought about it for a second. She's losing him. All his actions say it's so. It's just a matter of when. She's losing him a little more each day but just doesn't have the will to do anything about it.

It's not that she wants it to happen it's just, why fight the inevitable? There is little left that she does have the will for. Energy is too scarce to be wasted. Thought a commodity no longer required. Her days comprise a mind numbing routine, feed, clothe, clean, feed, clean, feed, clean and somewhere in all of that hold her life, marriage and sanity together. Something's got to give and the only thing she knows for sure is it isn't going to be the baby.

"Jessica I brought you something to eat" Nick says after getting no response to his knock.

"I'm not hungry" Jessica replies quietly. Hoping to hide the sorrow in her tone.

"It's just a sandwich. You need to eat something."

Got to keep your strength up, Little Nicholas needs you, do it for the home team, your body doesn't belong to you any more, it doesn't matter what you think or what you want, you have a duty. He doesn't have to say the words, it's a mantra she's been telling herself all week.

"I'll be out in a minute" she says on a resigned sigh. 'Yes Little Nicholas's mommy will be reporting for duty' she thinks. 'Yes sir, no sir, I'll eat when I'm told sir, self pity be damned.'

"I can bring it in to you…"

"I said I'll be out in a minute" Jessica the fighter snaps back into place surprising even herself. She doesn't hear another word from Nick. She can just imagine him dropping the plate and running. Sooner or later he's not going to stop at the door. He's going to run right out of her life and she'll only have herself to blame. Goodbye, good riddance, nice knowing you, have a nice life.

Twenty minutes later and after another good cry Jessica leaves the bathroom. She curls on her bed watching her sleeping son as she eats the meal Nick prepared for her. It's like eating cardboard the amount of pleasure she gets from it. If questioned she couldn't even say what it was. It doesn't matter. Her son relies on her for his strength, she'll deny him nothing. She watches him sleeping so peacefully. He looks angelic, his hands, curled, resting under his chin, his lips, puckered, emitting whispery breaths. She loves him, with all her heart, this she knows. Being without him is not an option. She just wishes she could find herself so she could enjoy this precious time with him.

Finishing her meal she reluctantly rises and takes the plate to the kitchen. Nick is sitting silently at the table, a plate with crumbs in front of him too. She doesn't know what happened to the meal she was once so intent on preparing, and really, no longer cares. He looks at her with a hopeful but scared look in his eyes. She just can't deal with him right now and avoiding his eyes takes his plate and thanks him for her own meal. Dishes, that she can do, that she can make right, it's just everything else that's falling apart.

She turns to leave and is almost out of the room before she remembers to say "Goodnight." She feels more than hears his sigh as she leaves. The tears rise at the thought of his relief to be rid of her. The bed is warm when she climbs back in and she hopes it will infuse her so she doesn't feel so cold. Alone, lost and cold.

Waking as Nick enters the bedroom Jessica sees him trying hard not to make a sound. She hides the fact she has woken not wanting to speak but when he leaves the room she feels his loss. She's not angry any more she's just terribly scared. He's so far away right now and worst of all she knows that's because that's where she has put him. She needs to feel a connection with him, she needs to feel safe, anchored, if not whole. His pillow, which she'd clung to in sleep, offers no comfort now. She rises and slowly walks towards him hoping she won't be turned away.

Nick, brushing his teeth in preparation for bed, doesn't hear Jessica come into the bathroom. He has no idea he's being watched. His first hint of her presence is her hands running across his back. The initial contact causes him to tense up, memories of the fire in her eyes warning him of an impending attack, until he feels her soft smooth strokes and relaxes into it. He hears the apology and need in the tenderness of her caress. Looking over his shoulder he smiles at her as best he can with a mouth full of foam and a toothbrush. Telling her all is understood and forgiven.

When he turns back to the sink to spit, her hands move along his waist and her arms wrap around him, holding him securely. She rests her head against his back. The running water drowns out her sigh but he feels it. He knows how much she hates losing control and how much she is beating herself up for having taken it out on him. He's willing to take anything she needs to dish out especially if he's rewarded by her affection later.

With his mouth now free he asks "You ok?" He feels her head move against his skin and can only hope it's a nod in the affirmative. "I'll be finished in a minute" he says but gets no reply or reaction so he continues brushing with Jessica now attached to him like a barnacle.

When Nick's finished, he takes hold of Jessica's hands, loosening their grip on him and turns around to face her. "You here to perform an inspection?" he asks and she looks up at him confused. He bares his teeth at her and she gives him a pleased grin. She reaches up on tippee toes placing a soft kiss to his mouth before pulling away. He snakes his arm around her waist and draws her back close. Moving his mouth towards hers, he says "After all the effort I put in that's all I get?" She smiles and kisses him more thoroughly. Her mouth truly investigating his. He's always admired her for her thoroughness.

This time when they part Nick whispers "Lets get you into bed" and feels Jessica's body immediately tense against his. He suspects she's misread his meaning but doesn't know how or if he should clarify. For people who deal in words as a living they have a bizarre inability to use them with each other. Luckily though, their bodies are quite articulate. Their touch, their smiles expressing their sentiment in place of words. Taking her hand he leads her to their bed. First, he turns the covers down then he guides her in. He leans over and places a kiss to her forehead before saying "You need sleep."

Jessica smiles up at him. Nick sees the relief on her face as she draws his down for one more soft kiss before letting him finish tucking her in. Curled on her side with one hand on the pillow his head will soon occupy, she watches him go through his nightly routine. When he leaves the room to check on the lights and locks, she rolls to her other side and looks over at the baby. He's still sleeping peacefully, perfectly content with a dry bottom and a full stomach. His little mouth twitching and making an occasional smacking noise.

Nick pads back into the room and over to the cot for the final step in his ritual. Every night he stands there, stealing one last amazed look at his son. His eyes lift to Jessica's and she doesn't need to hear his voice to know he is saying to her "Wow, we did this!" He looks down at his son again. Some nights as he looks at him Nick is overwhelmed by such a sense of adoration he has to reach out and touch him. She wonders if it's Nick's way of ensuring the baby's real and not just a dream. Tonight though he just looks. This week the baby has been colicky and restless so the last thing Nick wants is to disturb him while he's peaceful. He absent-mindedly strokes the top of the cot, his fingers desperate to portray their love, the wood though is a poor substitute to the soft warmth of his child.

Nick turns and walks to his side of the bed. Jessica rolls onto her back and turns her head watching his movements. After climbing in he leans over and kisses her cheek "Goodnight" he whispers. He's pulling away when he sees something in her expression that concerns him. Her behavior the last few days has been erratic at best but he's just put it down to exhaustion. They've both been suffering from the riggers of constantly interrupted sleep. The haunted look in her eyes now suggests there is more to it but he has no idea what it could be.

"You OK?" he asks running his thumb across her cheek. Jessica's eyes close as she nods. Nick knows she's avoiding voicing what would be a lie. When her eyes open again they tell him the truth.

"Jess what is it?" he asks imploringly.

"Just hold me" she whispers, her voice barely strong enough to finish the plea.

Nick can see the desperation in her eyes. He's concerned, his first instinct is to beg her to speak to him, to give him a chance to fix whatever is wrong, but he doesn't. It's obvious Jessica needs rest more than she needs a potentially emotional discussion. He doubts even if he were to push the issue he'd get rational thoughts from her now. Her behavior has left him spinning, from her anger and isolation earlier to her desperate need for contact now, he's been 5 steps behind her game all night. He has no idea what she'll do next. He's not even sure she does. She's on edge, precariously, he can see that much and the last thing he wants is to push her over. Knowing she prefers to fall asleep with the baby in her line of sight Nick nods and motions for her to change position.

Jessica rolls onto her side, stealing the last precious glimpses of her son for the night as she listens to her husband shuffling in the bed behind her. The lamp clicks and she's in darkness, alone, cut off from everything she holds precious. A tear forms and falls, quickly followed by another. She'd try to stop them but fears alerting Nick to their presence. Soon his long warm body presses up behind her, cradling her completely, legs and arms encircling hers. She sinks into his body. Shifting back until she feels some of her emptiness drain away. She needs his touch, his warmth, his breath whistling past her ear, tickling her cheek. She reaches for his hand and holds it clasped between hers like a lifeline. "Love you" she hears him whisper as warm lips press against her shoulder. She closes her eyes tight listening to the sounds of her family breathing. She fights to hold back her tears hoping sleep will chase her fears away.

Nick meanwhile holds her firm in his embrace, offering his strength and love, hoping she'll draw from them the comfort she needs. He knows Jessica's fighting tears, he's slept with her long enough to know her different moves and sounds. He's hoping whatever sleep she can manage to get tonight will be enough to give her the strength to face him tomorrow and bare her sorrows. His concern is not enough to override his exhaustion. After a long hard day having Jessica in his arms, her warmth and her scent nearby, is enough to lull him quickly. They comfort him and permeate his thoughts, even in sleep.

When he's woken, hours later, by the cries of his son, he knows only that he was interrupted while dreaming of her. The details slip away before he has time to process them but he remembers she was smiling. He can feel her squirming trying to get free of his tight hold but he doesn't want to let her go. It's been so long since she's let him hold her like this and he knows once she gets up it will all be about the baby again. He wants to feel her close, he wants to be included, he's tired of being relegated to watching from the sidelines.

"Nick!" Jessica says exasperated, she wants to get to the baby before he gets himself too worked up.

"I'll get him and bring him over" Nick says and starts to move.

"It's ok I can do it" Jessica argues also rising.

Putting a hand on her to stop her Nick says "No, stay there."

"It's easier if…" Jessica begins to argue.

Nick caresses her shoulder, staring at her he pleads "Please ... stay!"

Knowing she has two options, giving in now and letting him get the baby or arguing and allowing the baby to cry until he becomes distressed, Jessica chooses giving in. Like father like son, when they want something, they won't stop asking until they get it. "Fine" she says and begins arranging pillows to support herself as he triumphantly climbs out of bed.

At night, especially when the baby's fussy, Jessica tends to feed him in the rocking chair so as not to disturb Nick's sleep more than necessary. Little does she know most nights he lays there secretly watching her, treasuring the image of mother and son staring adoringly at each other. Tonight he doesn't want pretense. He wants her to know he isn't disturbed by her feeding, he's delighted. Or, at least as delighted as it's possible for a man woken at 4 a.m. As much as he loves falling back to sleep watching his family and listening to his wife's soft coos to their son, tonight he wants more.

Sitting alone in the kitchen earlier he decided he was no longer going to allow himself to be left out. He's tired of feeling excluded. It's hard enough being away from them all day he doesn't want to waste what time they do have together. He's not quite sure when or how it happened, if it's deliberate or just the way things are, he just knows he doesn't like it. When they first brought the baby home they did everything together. Every feeding, every changing, every moment they marveled over. But lately he's sensed a distance developing between them, that even when together they are apart. A few heavy cases, a break in his routine and he finds his family's moved on without him. For the first time in his life he resents the firm and the demands it makes on his time.

Nick lifts their squawking son and brings him up to rest against his shoulder before releasing a squawk of his own.

"What's wrong?" Jessica asks alarmed.

Holding him out in front and screwing his face up in disgust Nick says "Tell me again why we feed him when this is the result."

Jessica smiles and makes a move to get out of bed again.

"Stay! It's ok, I'll do it."

She doesn't put up too much of an argument, it's about time he got a really good diaper to change. Nick's too busy trying to keep his nose out of the line of fire and his eyes on the job he's doing to notice when Jessica moves. He's just finished redressing the baby when he feels her by his side. Nick sees her hands reaching for the baby and quickly scoops him up before she can.

Jessica walks to the rocking chair, sits and holds her arms out saying "Thanks. I'll take it from here."

Nick ignores her and walks back over to the bed. Rocking the baby gently, he stands waiting for her to join them there. There are times when Jessica finds his dogged determination admirable and then there are moments like tonight when she sees him as just pig headed.

Sighing dramatically she rises and climbs back into bed. She refuses to look up and see his smug grin, choosing instead to make a production of rearranging the pillows. 'It's just a damn feeding,' she thinks, 'you try doing it all day every day and tell me you want to make a big deal out of it at 4 in the morning.' When she's ready she again reaches out for her son.

Nick passes him down saying "If the way he latched onto my neck is any indication he's hungry."

Jessica whispers to the child as he begins to feed "I don't know why your silly daddy bothered buying that chair when he won't let us use it."

Nick chuckles, she can say whatever she wants he got his wish and he's happy. He climbs onto the bed and settles himself against her; almost curled around her body. He insinuates one arm behind her jostling her as he goes. He rests his head on her shoulder, one leg across her lap and a hand gently stroking his son's head. "Don't listen to your Mommy" he says "us men have got to stick together."

Jessica gives a half amused huff and Nick presses a kiss to the base of her neck "This is better than sitting over there by yourself right?"

She thinks about it. It does have its good points she concedes. "I've been in worse situations" she replies.

"Oh boy she's going to make me work for it" he tells his son who has no interest in his father right now.

Nick cuddles in closer making Jessica wonder if she's going to end up with both of them in her lap. Nick's a blessing and a curse. His presence right now is restricting and a little too much physically but emotionally she's needed this, she's wanted to feel him near, to feel less alone. She allows herself to relax against him. His arm crosses her body and his hand comes to rest on hers as she plays with her son's tiny yet long fingers. She looks down at the three entangled hands and tries to commit this picture to memory.

As she watches the baby feed, and feels her body give him sustenance, she forgets that it's four in the morning. It's in the tiny moments like this that she finds joy. Although when woken at an ungodly hour she drags herself grumbling from bed, once the baby's feeding, resting contentedly against her breast, there is no place else she'd rather be. Their bond is strong, unbreakable. Her eyes travel to Nick's face expecting to see him doting attention on their son but it's her he's looking at. She's almost afraid to hope the love and admiration she sees in his eyes is real. They are too powerful to look at so with a soft smile she turns again to the baby.

Sooner than she'd hoped the baby becomes distracted refusing to continue to feed. Jessica knows there is no way he's had his fill and wants him to have more now rather than wake her again shortly with an empty tummy but, as with his father, when he has other ideas there is no way of swaying him. No amount of gentle pleading or encouragement has an effect. He's beginning to become cranky with her persistence and she's becoming frustrated by his refusals. It's a battle of wills she knows she's going to lose and she hates that Nick is about to see her fail. The one thing she could always rely on doing right is feeding the baby. From day one he's been a hungry eater but now, when she most needs to feel capable, he won't even do that. So much for their unbreakable bond she feels as if it's now shattering before her eyes.

Nick's hovering only further serves to aggravate her. It's a change in the baby's routine and she'd like to be able to blame his inattention on that. She shouldn't have given in to him. She should have fed the baby in the chair as he's used to. She pushes Nick away. Her whole body tensing with his every move to soothe her. His offered platitudes and advice feel like further proof not even he thinks she knows what she's doing. His words grate on her. She deals with this every day what makes him think he knows better.

"Try the other side." She hears, and it's the final straw. Jessica lets out all her frustrations in a long anguished "Nick!"

He replies to her outcry with a look, challenging her to prove him wrong. Mumbling to herself about stubborn males she groans "Fine!" if only to shut him up once and for all she'll do it. When she switches the baby over, he immediately latches on and is suddenly intent on feeding again. Jessica looks down at him with a mixture of shock and horror. She looks up at Nick for an explanation.

Chuckling he says "He's just like his old man."

Confusion overriding her annoyance Jessica's eyebrow raises quizzically. He shrugs and confesses "It's my favorite too."

"Nick!" She says astonished and looks down at the baby. She can feel the color rising in her cheeks and wonders at the irrationality of allowing that to embarrass her. Is it so long since she's felt like a desirable woman that she doesn't know how to react to it anymore?

"Well, it is" Nick whispers into her ear and then rests his head on her shoulder again.

Quietly they listen to the sound of the baby happily and contentedly feeding. Then Jessica sighs and asks "Ok why that one?"

"183!" Nick answers grinning. Jessica just looks at him as if he is insane. "183 heartbeats before you asked the question" he explains.

"You counted?"

"Yeah it would have been too obvious if I'd gone for the stopwatch."

Jessica rolls her eyes at him and goes back to watching the baby. She's glad Nick's normally asleep when she's doing this if this is what he's like at this time of night. At four in the morning she just doesn't have the mental capacity or stamina to keep up with him. She keeps mulling over what he's said though and can't help herself when she turns to him and says "you don't even own a stopwatch."

"I do too!" he assuredly replies.

She's silent again as she watches the baby then comments "Almost two years I've lived here Nick and I've never once seen a stopwatch."

Sighing dramatically he gets out of bed and leaves the room. The baby has finished feeding and is being burped before Nick finally returns smugly brandishing a stopwatch.

"You probably stole it from a neighbor you've certainly been gone long enough" Jessica declares unwilling to admit defeat yet.

Nick doesn't reply, just stands there grinning at her, swaying the watch gently, teasingly.

"Besides you still haven't answered my question" she says challengingly.

He puts on a mock horrified face and covering the baby's ears says "Not in front of Little Nicholas" who chooses that exact moment to let out a terrific burp.

"He's just like his daddy" Jessica teases to Nick's delight.

Climbing back into bed he watches Jessica tenderly rocking and humming to their sleepy son. Nick's hand reaches out and softly strokes the baby's cheek. The baby's eyes open when contact is made then slowly close again. Jessica looks at Nick and sees his love and devotion for their son reflected in his gaze. Mixed in with that though she sees a sad longing. When his eyes raise to hers she sees a hint of, she's not sure but she thinks it's envy.

She thinks back over the events of the night and realizes the only time Nick's held the baby was earlier when he changed his diaper. She wonders if his need to share this feeding with her was out of desperation to spend some time with his son. "Would you like to?" she offers him indicating the peaceful baby. Tears almost fall again as she sees the immediate delight on her husband's face.

Jessica hands the baby over and watches Nick raise him to his face enthusiastically. He kisses him saying reverently "Hey there buddy." Large wise eyes stare into his drawing a smile from the proud father. Watching them exchange Eskimo kisses Jessica smiles at the beauty of her family. Nick grins at her as he pulls faces trying to elicit a smile from his son.

"Unless you want to wear his dinner don't shake him around too much" Jessica warns wiping a spit bubble from the baby's mouth. She rests her head on Nick's shoulder and reaching for the baby's hand whispers "and sleep is our goal now."

Nick nods, he cradles his son on his arm and tries to soothe him to sleep. He regales him with tales untrue. Heroics of their adventures together as manly men. The baby's eyes open wide as if awed by his father, then slowly droop. Each blink taking longer and longer to end. Jessica watching on is amazed, as always, at how natural Nick is with the baby. For someone with no previous experience he takes it all in his stride. Not only does her son have his father's eyes but he also has his heart.

Nick's normally cautious and reserved manner is lost when he's with the baby. He dotes on his son with a relaxed ease that she admires. He doesn't seem to be plagued with the insecurities she is. She has no doubt that her son knows and loves his father. His feelings for his mother she's not too sure of. He needs her, she knows that much. Watching them together is a mix of pain and pleasure. It's too much for hr right now and needing to get away she slowly rises from the bed.

"Where are you going?" Nick asks disappointed at losing her contact.

"Uh … bathroom."

Satisfied, Nick's attention returns to his son.

Meanwhile, Jessica hides out feeling like an intruder. The ogre who in a fit of hormonal angst brought on by her own inadequacy kept father and son apart. She didn't mean to do it but so much of her life is just habit now. She methodically follows a routine dictated by the smallest member of the family and sometimes forgets to account for Nick for during the time he's actually there. Jessica remembers the look on Nick's face when she found him in the kitchen and if she's honest with herself she knows exactly what it was; loneliness. What happened to the togetherness of being a family? How has it ended up making them both feel more alone?

When Jessica returns to the bedroom she finds her men asleep. Father and son snuggled together. Nick's hand, resting on the diapered bottom sticking up high in the air, holds the snoring baby to his steadily rising chest. She wonders who put who to sleep first. Seeing Nick's camera, which has been working overtime of late, she takes a photo knowing this is a moment to be cherished. It will be a nice surprise for him when he gets the film developed. Neither reacts to the camera's noise or flash, they are deep in sleep. Jessica briefly wonders if she features in their dreams.

Climbing back into bed she curls up next to them and watches the two people she holds most precious sleep; the two people she most fears disappointing. After brushing a lock of Nick's hair off his face her hand joins his on their son's diapered bottom. When she too begins to succumb to the soothing sounds of Nick's breathing she forces herself to rise and return the baby to his cot.

Switching off the lamp she climbs into bed and allows her head to take the baby's place on Nick's chest. Her arm draped across him, her hand resting on his shoulder. His hand finds it's way to the back of her head and cups it as he had done their son. Jessica allows his warmth, sound and smell to lull her tired mind into sleep. Another day is over and a new one will soon begin. She's made plans for that new day. Plans that she hopes will help her find not only herself, but Nick.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Nick walks into the kitchen and sees Jessica sitting at the table, nibbling on a piece of toast while the baby sleeps in a bassinet beside her.

"Morning beautiful" he whispers kissing her hair, one hand resting on her shoulder while the other strokes the baby's face. "How's he been today?"

"He's been good. He slept between feedings."

Nick enacts a silent cheer and Jessica smiles at his goofy antics. "Maybe he's teething" he says pleased with himself "I've heard they can be pretty crabby when that happens."

"Teething" Jessica laughs "Nick he's 7 weeks old"

"So?"

"So he's a long way from teething."

"Oh, I just remember whenever Jeff looked like hell it was because Alyssa was teething."

Jessica looks at Nick who is looking rested and fresh, 'obviously' she thinks 'it's me he considers looks like hell.'

"So that's where all your 'expert' information comes from?" she says as the smile falls from her face.

Nick grins "Yeah none of that book learning crap for me. I read enough books in law school to last me a lifetime." He looks at the baby and leans in until he gets a good sniff of the sweet newborn smell. Looking up his grin widens as he says "Maybe he's just advanced like his old man." Rocking the bassinet he proudly states "I passed on some good genes, didn't I boy?"

Jessica, shaking her head, smiles, then states decidedly, "He's not teething."

"Oh well that was the extent of my expertise." Nick walks over to make some coffee so misses the crestfallen expression on her face when he says, "So I guess this means you're on your own."

He has no idea he's just voiced Jessica's greatest fear. His offhand quip puts into words the isolation she's been struggling with lately. The loneliness she fears is going to escalate until she is stranded completely in this strange, remote, robotic life. When Nick gets back to the table he sits on the chair next to her but she doesn't look at him. Suddenly she's fascinated with the crumbs on her plate. He wonders where her smile went to. It had made such a brief but promising appearance earlier, what made it go away?

"Jessica?" he asks gently reaching out and clutching her hand "What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry about last night" her answer is so quiet he almost doesn't hear it.

He knows how much she hates it when they fight. She dwells on it afterwards, berating herself for losing control. Whereas he'd rather just forget it and move on, she worries over it and cannot let it go until they've talked it through. She needs resolution not occlusion. He brings her hand to his mouth pressing a soft kiss to her palm. "Hey don't worry about it, you were just tired, I understand."

"Tired" she mouths, turning away from him, shaking her head in disbelief. Her hand leaves his and wraps itself around her glass of juice barely resisting the urge to pick it up and hit him with it. If only it were just a matter of being tired. It's way beyond that now. Lack of sleep is... well it's the least of her worries and she's sick to death of being patted on the head and told 'there's a good girl, everything's ok, you're just tired.' Tired is how she felt four weeks ago back when Nick was of some assistance. Back before he just started making his 'fly by cure all' appearances in her life.

Nick feels the tension burn in her but doesn't know what he's said wrong this time. "Jessica?" he asks trying to get her attention but she doesn't answer him. He sees how tight her grip is on the glass of juice, her knuckles white and straining under the pressure. He takes hold of her wrist refusing to let go when she tries to pull away, ignoring the flash of anger on her face at his audacity, he implores "Jessica talk to me!"

Through clenched teeth she venomously says "We can't all be like you Nick. We can't all just ... just ... jump from one situation to another in the blink of an eye. From day one it was like you'd done it all before, no hassles, nothing. It's all so rosy, so wonderful for you isn't it?"

His face reflects his changing emotions finally settling on confusion. "Jessica what are you talking about?"

"What do you think I'm talking about Nick? What do I do all day long? What is the only thing I do anymore? God Nick, what else would I be talking about but ..." she loses momentum as her eyes travel to her sleeping son. Her hands stop waving in frustration and drop to her side "I'm talking about the baby" she finishes on a sigh, hating herself for feeling anything but joy when she looks at him.

Nick tries to remember what her first outburst was and then understand how that relates to the baby but he can't make any sense of it. "What are you trying to say exactly?"
Jessica stands up saying "See I can't even talk to you anymore" she walks to the sink practically throwing her dishes into it.

"Can't you at least try" Nick asks totally lost.

Jessica spins around and furiously says "What do you think I've been doing? That's all I do! That's all I can do, all day everyday I try to get it right but lets face it, I ... I'm no good at this. I just can't do it!"

"You can't do what?" Nick asks nervously.

"Be a mother. I can't do it. I'm no good at it."

"Jessica you've got to be kidding!" Nick says astonished. "You are good at it ... you're a great mom."

"I'm not I'm a terrible mother. I'm ... I'm terrible. I have no idea what I'm doing. Nothing I try works, I just don't have the instincts, I'm hopeless!"

"Jessica!" he implores as he stands and starts to walk towards her but she backs away.

"No I am hopeless I am. You're not here you don't see. I just can't do it. I'm no good at it. I'm afraid of him. Some days I hear him cry and I just want to run. There's nothing I can do there's no way I can stop him and it gets to the stage where I just can't take it anymore. I try everything but it's no use and I just want him to stop. I can't help him, he needs someone who knows what they're doing, not me. I do everything they tell you to but it doesn't work. I'm not a good mother. I can't do this. He deserves better than me."

Jessica's crying openly now and Nick's heart breaks watching her crumble. Again he steps towards her, arms wide open, he says "Jessica that's not true!"

Before he can touch her she pushes away from him, her hand raised to stop him following her, she cries "No, no, no, no"

He can see his attempt to physically reach out is only upsetting her further so he backs off. She won't take the comfort of his arms which means he's forced to verbalize his feelings. Something he's promised her he'll do but still struggles with everyday. It's not something he's wont to do, he's not even confident he knows how but today he has to try. The alternative is to watch the woman he loves cry and chastise herself over an opinion he knows is wrong. He'll change the habit of a lifetime in the hope of changing her mind and chasing her tears away.

"Jessica you're a wonderful mother. Ask anyone..."

"What would they know Nick!" she snaps interrupting him "Are they here? Do they see me? What would you know! I'm the one who knows. I'm the one here every minute. 'I' know ... I'm awful."

"No you're not! Jessica you're doing great."

"Saying it won't make it so Nick. You have no idea! You don't know!" she turns so her back is facing him now. He watches the fight leave her body, the devastation of what she's admitted hitting her and hears her dejected "I know!" as sobs wrack her.

Nick sees the admission tear her apart. Her spirit broken by the strength of her belief. He wants to take her in his arms, to take the pain from her but knows she won't accept this. She needs to vent, she needs to release and work through her pent up emotions even if it hurts to do so. He knows how hard it is for Jessica to admit any weakness so to have spoken so scathingly about herself she must be in a desperate desolate place inside. These feelings must have been growing in magnitude for quite some time.

He had no idea she was feeling inadequate, never saw a hint she wasn't coping. To him she looked so beautiful and capable with their son in her arms. A sight he was always proud to see. Work may have taken him out of the house more than he would have liked but he has been around enough to know she is a wonderful mother. He has to be able to make her believe this.
Nick looks over at his son who is sleeping peacefully, blissfully unaware of the torment in the room. His son is all the proof he needs of Jessica's capabilities but he knows to convince her he'll need more.

He needs to change her mind and with Jessica that's almost impossible to do. She's not going to just take his word for it. Gentle words and reassurances will be like water off a duck's back to her. She'll think he's just patronizing her, offering her support, trying to encourage her in the hopes she'll one day learn to overcome her inability. She'll see that she needs him to bolster her confidence as another weakness. Reassurance won't work, he needs to bring out her fighting spirit; the determination to succeed he's always admired in her. He knows with this intact she won't give up, she'll fight until she's conquered every fear. It hits home to him now how long it is since he has seen this determined woman. In truth it has been a long time since he's taken the time to really look at her. His life has been focused on two things lately, work and the baby. In his distraction he hasn't noticed her slipping away..

He's angry with himself for having failed to notice her struggling. He's angry he's going to hurt her further now but feels forced to resort to the only tactic he feels confident will work. Although a time honored method he excels at, he's not used to using it on someone he loves, but it's the only option he sees in this situation. He plans to treat Jessica like a hostile witness. He'll poke holes in her story until he breaks her and she concedes she is wrong.

He's never done this to her before, he doesn't like doing it now but faced with the alternative of allowing her to lose faith in herself, he doesn't see that he has much of a choice. He chants to himself trite phrases such as 'tough love' and 'got to be cruel to be kind' to remind him why he's doing this.

Having brought her tears under control Jessica looks over at him. Nick can tell she believes he's been convinced. If it weren't for the desolation on her face he's sure he'd back down. But he knows somewhere behind that fear is the real Jessica trying to resurface. He'll do whatever it takes to help her find her way back. He starts with a quiet concerned tone.

"What makes you a bad mother?"

Her reply is just as quiet "I can't do it"

"Can't or won't?"

"Can't! I'm doing it, I just don't get it right."

"So you think you're a bad mother?"

"I don't think it I 'know' I am."

He takes a step forward, she looks up ready for his next question. His tone becomes firmer, more accusing.

"Why are you bad? Are you neglecting him?"

She looks at him horrified and spits back "Of course not!"

"How many feedings have you missed?"

"None! How could I? He cries when he's hungry."

"So you feed him when he's hungry?"

"Yes"

"Change his diaper?"

"Yes"

"Clothe him and bathe him?"

She looks away having lost interest in this line of questioning.

"Do you comfort him when he cries"

He sees her face fall and guesses this is what scares her "I try to" she says.

"You try to?"

"Yes but there are days when it doesn't matter what I do he just won't stop."

"But you do everything you can, day or night, to keep him happy and healthy?"

"It doesn't always work."

"Do you resent him for that?"

"What? No!"

"So you resent him for keeping you at home, away from friends, maybe even from work?"

"I don't resent him. I never said I resented him."

"So you don't resent him?"

"Of course not!"

"And you're doing everything in your power to care from him?"

"Yes"

"So what's the problem, is it just that you don't love him?"

Jessica backs away from him horrified "How could you think that! Of course I love him!"

"I don't think that!" Nick ensures her "You're the one saying it."

"I never said that. I said I'm a bad mother not that I don't love him. I love him!" she looks at the baby asleep in his carrier her face conveying the truth in her words "I love him Nick I really do but I'm.. "

"Jessica how can you be a bad mother if you're doing everything you say you do. If you love him, nurture him, respond to his every need, put your own life on hold so you can be there for him totally, that's not a bad mother that's the best of mothers. Every child should be so lucky. You're just going through a rough patch, both of you, he's cranky and you're tired and frustrated and ... and ... I bet that's normal. It doesn't make you a bad mother. You care too much to be a bad mother."

"But I'm hopeless at it. I've never failed at anything before and I hate failing now."

"You're not failing God Jessica you're doing incredibly! Just stop and think about how well you've done. Even with everything that was happening to you, you stayed strong, you kept him safe and healthy. You did that Jessica! You! Just look at him, he's perfect ... a little noisy and smelly at times but otherwise perfect."

Jessica's hand stroke the baby's cheek, she looks up at Nick and tearfully says, "I'm scared I'll let him down."

"How could you! You're his mother. Jessica I've seen you with him, you do have the instincts, the bond between the two of you is incredible, he lights up when he sees you..."

"He's just hungry."

"That's not true it's much more than that. He loves you, he knows you ..."

"He doesn't know me I don't even know me Nick." She begins to pace. Nick knows she's walking through thoughts and if he just stays silent she'll find a way to voice them

"I'm not strong anymore. I'm scared all the time. I'm scared of not being everything he needs, I'm scared of something happening to him, I'm scared of how much I love him and need him and he's so tiny and vulnerable anything could happen, it terrifies me. I just feel so useless. What if I can't protect him? He needs me so much but I don't feel like I'm doing anything right. I feel like I'm letting him down."

"Jessica it's just all so new. I'm sure what you're feeling is what every mother goes through. I bet Cooper feels exactly the same way."

"I talked to her and her mom the other day and her mom says she's doing great" she says and Nick detects a hint of jealousy.

"Well what do you think I've been telling people about you? Jessica from what I can see you are doing great. These worries are normal. Have you spoken to Cooper? I bet she feels the same. Maybe you should talk to her..."

"I don't want to talk to Cooper Nick! I want to talk to you!" she looks him in the eye for the first time then steps towards him "I can't do this alone. Nick don't make me do this alone."

"You're not alone I'm here. I'm right here, talk to me."

"For how long?"

"What?"

"How long before you get tired of waiting for me to get it right? How long before you stop coming home altogether? I know you expected more of me I expected more of me. I'm ... I need you and I'm scared I've let you down. I ... I'm letting you both down"

"Come here" he pulls on her arm and she reluctantly moves towards him "You haven't let me down. You will never let me down. I'm the one who's let you down. I didn't know ... I am here Jessica and I'm not going anywhere. We're in this together."

"But it's not the same" she pulls away from him again. Needing space, needing to let things out and she can't do that with him holding her. She's tired of holding things in.

"What's not the same?"

"Us. There hardly even is an us anymore. You spend more time at the office than you ever did and ... and we never talk anymore unless it's about the baby ... and you never ask me about your cases, it's like my opinion doesn't matter to you anymore and ... and when you are here, you ... sometimes I'm not even sure you want to be"

"You think I don't want to be here?" he asks incredulous.

"I wonder. You're here less and less. At first you'd rush home but now ..."

"Is this about me being late last night because..."

"It's not just last night it's all the time. You're always late now, you're never home before..."

"It's not that I don't want to be here. God! It's just that with you and Lea still out on recovery we're swamped. I
want to be here Jessica. I want to share this with you. I do!"

"I know you want to spend more time with him it's just..."

"It's not just him. Jessica I want to be with you."

She turns away shaking her head in disbelief.

"Why don't you believe that? What have I done?"

"Nothing, Nick you've done nothing. You don't want to do anything."

"Do anything? What are you talking about now?"

"Us Nick!"

Nick looks at her in stunned silence. The conversation seems to have backfired on him and he has no idea what they are talking about now.

"We never talk anymore unless it's about the baby. We're just going through the motions here Nick and ... and you haven't tried ... you don't ... you don't want to..." shaking her head in frustration Lindsay turns away.

"Are you serious?" Nick asks stunned, sure he must be misunderstanding her meaning..

She spins back angry at his question "No Nick this is all a big joke to me! I find it hilarious my husband doesn't want me."

"You think I don't want you?"

She doesn't answer but the look in her eye tells him the answer as clear as words could.

"God Jessica of course I want you." He steps towards her, his hand reaching for her "I just didn't think you were ready."

"I'm not!" She snaps stepping away quickly before he can touch her. She looks down as if embarrassed by her reaction "I'm sorry I'm just not ready."

Nick shakes his head in confusion and asks, "Then why are we even having this conversation?"
Jessica, thinking the same thing, walks out of the room. This isn't what she meant to say to him. Not even close. How did things get so out of hand?

Nick follows her into the living room. "Jessica don't walk away, I'm just trying to understand what's going on here."

Jessica pauses in front of the couch, she can't believe how out of control this conversation has become. Is there nothing she can do right anymore? She's embarrassed and can't meet his eyes "I'm sorry, it's stupid ... I'm stupid, can we just forget it. Just drop it Nick."

"No! Jessica I'm not dropping anything. Talk to me."

"Please just forget it."

"Jessica you just complained we don't talk anymore well it takes two to have a conversation. Talk to me!"

"I don't want ... Nick I'm not ready for sex but I ... I need to feel that you want me. I need to feel ... I want to be ..." sighing in frustration she looks away.

Nick walks towards her and quietly says "I don't want sex either Jessica"

Jessica's eyes rise to meet his. Tears form and she sinks onto the couch her face buried in her hands. He's immediately there, kneeling by her side, taking her hands from her face he implores her to listen to him. She prepares to hear what she's always feared; that she isn't everything he wants.

Bobby holds her face tenderly in his hands insisting she see the truth behind his words and says "I don't want to have sex with you Jessica, but more than anything I DO want to make love to you. But making love is something we do together which means 'you' need to want it too."

"I'm just not ready yet" she whispers afraid of disappointing him.

Enfolding her in his arms he says "Then WE wait." He feels how tightly she's holding on and regrets his behavior has made her believe she's alone and unwanted. He never wants her to doubt him again.

"Besides..." Nick begins to say and feels her pull back a little to listen "Jessica we've been making love everyday."

She pulls out of his embrace and with her 'Nick you're crazy' expression on her face says "Was I awake for any of this?"

Nick laughs in pure delight at finding his feisty Jessica looking back at him "We're making love now" he says and gets an eye roll and an exasperated "Nick" in reply.

"We are!" he insists. "Your opening up and letting me in here and here" he places one hand over her heart and the other her head "and don't you dare for a minute think that that isn't cherished."

He rises and sits on the couch with her. Leaning back he draws her against him. Her head rests against his chest, her hand clutching his shirt. His arms surround her and he hopes she can tell he never wants to let her go. "I love you, Jessica that's never going to change."

She doesn't respond but he feels her grip tighten. 'Believe me!' He silently implores. They sit in silence for a moment she holds him tight while he wonders how he can convince her of the truth.
"Jessica you asked me a question earlier"

She sits up to look at him "before or after you put me on the witness stand."

He smiles and doesn't bother denying it. He never really believed she wouldn't see through him. "After ... you asked me how long?" She nods showing she remembers. "Marriage means forever to me."

"People drift apart Nick."

"Not us! Jess we aren't my parents. I'm not my father I'm not going to leave. This, us, it's my dream."

Her eyes show only fear and doubt.

"Do you really not know this is where I want to be?" She groans a little and looks away. His hand cups her cheek drawing her face back. "Jessica don't you know what you mean to me?"

"It's not that."

"Then what is it?"

"You shut me out. We don't always ... I feel you slipping away from me ... I don't know. It just doesn't feel the same as it was. I don't know who I am to you anymore. What it is you want from me ... I love you I really do and I ... I believe you love me but I don't know what that means. I used to know that you needed me I don't know that you do anymore."

"I do need you!"

"You don't show it Nick."

"You don't let me! Jessica you pull away whenever I come near you."

"I know, I'm sorry, it's just ..."

"You don't trust me."

"That isn't true! I do trust you."

"Do you need me for more than sex Jessica?"

She's horrified by the question "What! Of course I do!"

"Then believe me when I say I need you for more too. I won't push Jessica but I do need to be allowed to touch you ... to be able to hold you like I'm doing now..." his hands brush the hair off her face "this is what I want."

"I want this too."

"Not everything is about sex Jessica."

She raises her hands to his forehead as if checking his temperature with a small grin she asks "Are you feeling ok?"

"Jessica I'm trying to be serious" he barks at her.

Her face is immediately chagrined "I know ... I'm sorry."

He pulls her back into his arms to show he isn't angry. He didn't mean to lash out like that he just gets frustrated sometimes unable to come up with the right words. Put him in a courtroom and the words flow with ease but in the bedroom there is some weird obstacle course between what he feels and what comes out when he speaks. He either waits to long before speaking because he's too busy trying to think of the perfect thing and she walks away frustrated or he blurts something out on impulse and ends up with his foot in his mouth.

Jessica's silent in his arms and he's worried the moist sensation against his chest is an indication of renewed tears. He's mad at himself, she was just starting to open up and now he fears that has come to an end. Needing reassurance he is about to speak again when she raises her head enough to kiss his cheek softly before relaxing back against him.

'Thank God!' He thinks. With his fingers weaving through her hair he says what he's had time to think about hoping he's getting it right.

"Jessica sometimes I think you use sex as a indication or a validation for how much I love you..." she sits up and suddenly he has to say it with her eyes staring into his. His mouth dries up but the need on her face pushes him on. "... that's not what it means to me. This is what I treasure most..." his hand moves to hold her cheek, his thumb wiping the tears that had fallen. "the little moments I had no idea would mean so much ... like watching you with our son, holding you in the dark, sleeping next to you and waking each day with you by my side.." he smiles hoping she will too "not to mention brushing my teeth while you cling to me that was a good one."

He's rewarded with the smile he so wanted and she returns to his arms. Silent but serene. "That's what marriage is for me Jessica" he says his hands again finding their way into her hair. "I won't give that up for anything." He feels her hands clutching at his shirt and wonders how much closer she thinks she'll be able to get. He wraps his own arms more firmly around her to help her out. "For me sex is just the icing on the cake ... that's not saying I don't like icing Jess, because I LOVE icing. I just ... I just need the cake more."

She chuckles and lifts her head to plant another kiss on his cheek. He smiles at her, silently asking for a response, a reassurance he hasn't just made a fool of himself or a bigger mess then he was already in.

"I know I ... I do the math I know and it's crazy of me but I get scared of losing you" she quietly admits.

"Don't be"

"Don't you ever?"

"You know me I walk around believing everything is wonderful until it blows up in my face. In you I have everything I ever wanted, everything I need, so being without you is not something I'd ever want to consider.... no I don't have doubts. I believe in forever. I need to."

Sighing she asks "Why is it all so easy for you?"

"Honestly?" he pauses as he thinks about it "Probably because I don't have to worry about making mistakes. I have you and I know you'll catch me when I fall" He sees the slightly amused look on Jessica's face and knows she thinks he's just teasing but he isn't. "It's you that makes this so easy for me Jessica. I'm confident because I have you by my side and I'm sorry I haven't given you that same sense of security."

She settles in against his chest and he knows she is stalling, trying to think of something to say.

"Jessica" he says then pauses waiting for her to look at him. She sits up when she realizes he's not going to speak until she does. "Needing help, asking for help isn't a weakness but refusing to admit you do, struggling on your own when there are people who love you and want to help is."

"How did you get so clever all of a sudden?"

"A brilliant person taught me that. She made me open up to her. She made me see I couldn't do it alone and I didn't have to. Now I'm asking her to follow her own advice and to let me in."

"I will" she promises.

"Together we can do this."

"I know" she says quietly looking down.

He isn't convinced she does and raises her face with his hand so she's looking at him again. "Do you?" he asks.

She smiles and nodding says confidently "I do."

They stare at each other, each begging the other to believe. He opens his arms offering them to her again and she lays her cheek against his chest and wraps her arms around him too. She can feel the tension in his body and knows the wheels are spinning in his brain. Feeling too drained to say anymore she waits to hear what he is thinking, knowing when he's sorted out his thoughts he'll tell her.

"Why don't you go out for the day?" Nick suggests "Give Cacee a call and just take the day off. I'll look after the baby, we'll watch a game and I'll teach him the finer points of baseball."

She strokes his chest and quietly says "No it's ok."

"Go on Jessica you need a break." He's enthusiastic, sure he's come up with the perfect idea.

"I know I do and it sounds great but ..." she sits up so he can see the conviction behind her words "Nick I'm tired of feeling alone and cut off from everyone." He opens his mouth to speak but she puts her fingers over it, her eyes ask him to just listen. When he nods at her she continues "I like this Nick. You and I talking. We haven't for so long ... I feel like I've just got you back and I don't want to let go of you just yet. I'd rather be here with you today."

Nick leans in and kisses her softly on the lips. "I'm liking this too" he says when he pulls away again.

"Maybe you can take him with you to visit your father tomorrow."

Nick chuckles and Jessica curiously asks "What?"

"It's just funny, after spending one day with me you think you'll be wanting to get me out of the house again."

Giggling she says "that's not what I meant."

He wraps his arms around her pulling her back against him "Ok Jessica you can stay home today."

"Why thank you kind sir" she chuckles. "So glad I have your permission."

"But on one condition."

"This isn't the office you know" she teases "Since when are you allowed to set the rules."

Nick continues on oblivious of her interruptions, although his fingers do find it necessary to poke into her sides until with a squeak she wiggles out of their reach. "My condition is today you are officially on holidays and I'll do everything, you're not to lift a finger. ."

"Everything?" she asks with a grin. When the look on his face shows he doesn't see what's funny she allows her eyes to drop to her chest.

He looks at her and laughs "Ok well I may need your help with 'that' but everything else is mine. Deal?"

She nods and returns to his embrace. He's happy with that. She's here, she's in his arms and she doesn't seem to want to hate him anymore. All the signs of a good day if only he can be sure she believes. All is quiet and Jessica is so relaxed and content that she is drifting towards sleep.

Nick sensing this cradles and caresses her. He's trying to suppress the anger he feels towards himself not wanting her to pick up on his tension but he's furious he let her down again. He's trying to just enjoy the moment but the regret keeps seeping back.

Nick's thoughts are soon interrupted by a wail emanating from the kitchen. Jessica immediately shakes off her lethargy and instinctively rises to answer the baby's call. Nick pulls her back down and growls "Don't you move." Smiling she settles herself comfortably on the couch with a "be my guest" look on her face.

He stands and readjusts the shirt that somehow managed to get completely twisted around in Jessica's embrace. In doing so he notices the damp patch over his heart where Jessica's tears anointed him. He looks down at her apologetic face and smiles he doesn't mind it, he'll wear it as a badge of honor.

"Duty calls" he says when the wail becomes progressively louder. He leaves and Jessica hears him chatting in the kitchen. The baby quietness as he reacts to the sudden attention. Nick returns and bringing the fussing child towards her says "I think he wants his mommy."

"I don't think so" Jessica replies and grins at Nick's suddenly confused face "He's probably just wet. Which means he's all yours" she explains.

Nick looks at the baby, his hand supporting his bottom feels no dampness and he wonders what secret mother code lets Jessica know he's wet. "How do you know that?" he asks.

"Because it's not that long since his last feeding and he's never ready for another one this soon. Plus he's generally very relaxed and happy in the mornings between feeds, it's his best sleeping time, so for him to cry means something's disturbed him and this time of morning it's normally a wet diaper. You get to learn these things over time Nick."

He stares down at her as he rocks the unhappy baby. "What?" she asks unsure why she's suddenly such an object of interest.

"If I was a braver man I'd say listen to yourself" She looks at him amused but unsure what he is getting at. "Where in all that speech is the evidence of you being a bad mother?"

She strokes the baby's foot and replies quietly "Some things are easier than others"

"Too bad believing in yourself isn't one of them."

Her hand drops from the baby and he can see her again retreating into herself.

"Jessica I wish you could see yourself the way I see you."

"How do you see me?" she asks her eyes showing a need to know.

He takes a deep breath as he thinks over his answer. "Well there's Jessica the singer. She is the most amazing woman I know. She's so confident, she stubbornly refuses to concede to her more experienced and knowledgeable husband" he ignores her eye roll and continues "she just goes out and does what she believes is right and ends up proving him wrong time after time. Then there's the woman I love..."

"You don't love the singer?" she asks the smile dropping from her face.

"Of course I love the singer! I just didn't marry the singer ... well I did but ... do you mind not interrupting."

Jessica laughs at him and motions for him to continue.

"Professionally Jessica you are so confident and strong, but personally ... I've never understood why you don't believe in yourself on a personal level because as incredible as you are as a singer you're even more amazing as a woman." He sits down next to her his voice conveying his awe "I've never met anyone who even comes close to being half the woman you are."

Jessica stares at him through tear stained eyes. She's needed this validation she's needed these words for longer than she'd care to admit. She's surprised to hear he has even more to say.

"Your generous and kindhearted, you’re fiercely loyal and protective of your friends, you’re selfless, dedicated and brilliant. You're such a beautiful person Jessica inside and out. How you could ever think you aren't who I want to be with is beyond me. I love you... I'm amazed by you... and I'm so incredibly proud to be with you. God if I was half the woman you are....."

When Jessica's laughter startles him he realizes what he said.

"Um that didn't quite come out right" he chuckles "What I meant to say is..."

Reaching up and placing her finger on his lips Jessica says "Nick the baby needs changing."
He looks down at the red faced unhappy child in his arms, he'd almost forgotten he was there in his desire to make Jessica believe but she hadn't forgotten her son. He looks back at her and says "You're a good mom."

When he still doesn't appear about to move Jessica becomes more insistent "Now!"

He smiles and rises saying "Ok Mom."

She hears him mumble all the way down the hallway in a voice she knows he wants her to hear "Yes Mom ... doing it now Mom ... stop nagging Mom ... dry diaper coming up now Mom" and chuckles to herself.

Jessica lays her head back against the couch and takes some deep cleansing breaths. She feels better about everything now than she has in a long time but this cathartic experience has been exhausting. She closes her eyes and just allows the silence in the house to envelope her. It's nice, it's relaxing but she doesn't want to be alone today. Standing she makes her way towards the bedroom. Just before arriving she hears a shriek from Nick and enters in time to see him swear and cower down. Grabbing a towel and placing it on the baby she says "It's safe to come out now Nick."

He stands "It leaks" he mumbles looking astonished at the wet marks on his shirt.

"It?" she laughs "I hope you aren't referring to our beautiful son that way."

"I just got peed on and all you can do is laugh?"

"I'm so sorry" she says looking extremely unapologetic "Go get cleaned up and I'll finish up here."

She pushes him towards the bathroom, as he walks away grinning he hears Jessica talk to the baby about his silly daddy. He still can't believe she thinks she isn't a good mom. When he comes out of the bathroom he finds Jessica curled up chatting with the baby on the bed. "Is this a private party or can anyone join in?" he asks.

Smiling she reaches her hand out to him and taking it he climbs onto the bed. "Excuse me little man" Nick says picking up the baby and taking his place on the bed next to Jessica. Planting his feet on the bed and knees raised high he lets the baby rest against his thighs. Holding the baby's hands Nick stares into his sons big blue eyes.

Moving closer to him Jessica asks "Aren't you forgetting something?"

Nick grins and says "Hey big guy I think you're Mommy's fishing for a kiss."

Jessica laughs and lays her head on Nick's shoulder. Her hand runs over his bare chest as she says "No 'big guy' I'm wondering if you plan on finishing getting dressed."

"Nope why bother when he's only going to dirty whatever I put on next." He slaps his chest "This my love is my baby care outfit."

"So you're going to walk around like that all day?"

"Yep! Any objections?"

"None as long as you don't expect me to follow your example."

"Ohh but would ya?" Nick waggles his eyebrows and grins at her.

With an eye roll she replies "In your dreams"

"No kidding, you're even naked on stage in most of my dreams."

"It's funny I have nightmares like that."

"Of me naked or you?"

"I don't scream in terror dreaming about you naked."

The baby interrupts them with a gurgling noise.

"Hey he's talking to us" Nick says excited.

"I think he's asking for a therapist" Jessica teases.

Nick looks at her and asks "When I listed the things I loved about you did I mention your sense of humor?"

"No" Jessica chuckles "Should I be worried about that?"

He nuzzles his cheek against her head and whispers "I love your wicked sense of humor."

Jessica absent mindedly plays her fingers across his chest listening to him chat with the baby. Nick turns his face to look at her and quietly asks "Do you know why men have nipples?" Jessica chuckles and raises herself up to be looking at him. Her hand resting on his pectoral muscle as her thumb plays with the appendage in question. She shakes her head no then looks at his chest before raising amused eyes to his.

"Tell me why?"

"To remind us that there are breasts out there but we haven't got them."

Jessica snorts and lays back down again "I've yet to meet a man who needed reminding of that Nick."

He chuckles "Men need reminding about everything Jess" She feels his mood change in the sudden tension of his body. "I need reminding. You know me, always on the hustle and missing what's right in front of me."

She rises up again to look at him.

"When I'm not giving you what you need you have to call me on it, you can't leave it up to me to notice. I'm Mr. Oblivious remember. Come to me and tell me I'm 3.6 reassuring hugs behind for the week."

She smiles at him and the gentle tease in his words.

"I need reminding, I know I shouldn't, but I do. You've got to point it out when I let you down because I don't mean to be doing it."

"You haven't let me down."

"I have! I haven't been there for you Jessica."

She strokes his face "You're here now."

"But..."

"Baby" Jessica interrupts him "This isn't your fault, it isn't my fault, it's just the way it is."

"The way it was!" His eyes implore her to believe things are going to change.

She nods and lays her head back against the pillow, her hand returning to its place on his chest.

"Jessica this is where I want to be. I'm not going anywhere." He strokes her hair softly before saying "My favorite part of every day is my first glimpse of you. You mean everything to me."

He looks at her face and tearful eyes hoping she believes. When he sees her suddenly feel the need to suppress a laugh he's confused "What?"

"I'm sorry it's just one of those stupid thoughts that pop into your mind when you are tired."

"Are you going to share?"

"What you just said was beautiful but its kind of sad too."

"It's sad so you laughed?" he grins.

"Yeah"

"Explain."

"I just thought of you waking up to your favorite part of the day and then ... well that means it's all downhill from there."

"That's not what I meant."

She rises up and kisses his lips softly "I know, I'm sorry, I'm only teasing."

With a hint of a pout he mumbles "No more sweet talking for you."

Jessica rests her head on his shoulder and whispers endearments in his ear until his pout turns to a smile. Chuckling he turns his head and kisses her whispering back "Ok you're forgiven."

They are quiet, laying there content, enjoying this moment of togetherness and entranced by the wonder of their child.

"Jessica I want to be here but as much as I want that I can't guarantee I'll be able to do it. Work is busy. We're short staffed, we really should have hired a temporary replacement to cover for you and Lea being off but things got a little too out of hand. Now with all the bad publicity we've been getting who'd be interested and would we really want to hire them if they were." He sighs then shakes his head in frustration. "What I'm trying to say is, I'm not here as much as I'd like to be but never doubt you come first. Jessica if you need me and I'm not here call... I want to be here for you. You come first. My family comes first."

"This is all my fault."

Lost by her sudden statement all he can say is a confused, "What!"

"I brought a madman into our midst, Hinks used me completely, he played me for a fool and because of my lack of judgment Lea almost died and then you almost spent the rest of your life in prison. I was the one who put us in danger, I jeopardized our baby, and everyone at the office, it was all my fault.”

"You can't blame yourself for any of this Jessica that's insane."

"What I don't know is if I'll ever be able to trust me again. He played me for a fool Nick and I fell for it, the whole act."

"Is this what this is really about?"

"What?"

"This ... are you questioning your ability with the baby because you lost faith in yourself over Hinks?"

Jessica looks at him considering what he's asked. He can see it's a theory that hadn't occurred to her before.

"I've done it again." Nick says running his hands over his face a mixture of anger and disgust on it.

"Done what again?" she asks confused.

"I knew how much Hinks scared you, he scared me too." Nick looks at her, his sorrow and guilt evident in his eyes.

"Jessica that was a complete nightmare. He terrorized you, he murdered a friend, then when he was gone we were fighting to keep me out of jail. Before we'd had time to process the end of that ordeal Lea was fighting for her life and we were back in court trying to save her. Then ... then in the middle of all that this little guy appears unexpectedly and as wonderful and miraculous as that was we were still scared out of our minds about Lea. She's recovering now and ... and with the office in such disarray I've gone straight back to work trying to rebuild and stupidly assumed it was all behind us."

He closes his eyes his head shaking in disbelief and anger before looking at her again "I just went on as if everything was back to normal. I fell back into my old routine and I just assumed you were ok ... I was so happy and it never occurred to me to ask ... I just assumed you were ok ... Jessica you've got to talk to me more."

Nick smiles at the irony behind his words. Recently he's come to understand Jessica's frustration at the way he shuts her out. Jessica is quiet, Nick can see she's thinking about what he's said. "Do you trust me Jessica?"

Reaching out and stroking his cheek she assures him "Of course I do!"

"Then believe me when I say you're not to blame for any of this ... not for Hinks and not for Little Nicholas, babies cry but that doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong. You've been through something traumatic and instead of being able to find yourself by getting back into your old familiar routine your world is thrown upside down by a baby who doesn't know his mother needs time to process the nightmare she's just been through. "

Jessica nods her head "You may be right"

"I'm always right" he replies with a grin.

Jessica smiles "I must be out of my mind to forget that"

"You're not out of your mind"

"It was a joke" she assures him.

He smiles and nods "You look tired" Nick says copying her actions of earlier and running his fingers along her cheek.

"I am. It's been a strange morning."

"But good?"

"Yeah good."

"We need to talk more Jessica."

"I know but I think I'm all talked out for now."

Nick watches her for a moment then sitting up says "I'll take him into the lounge so you can sleep for a bit. Try to get some rest. Ok?"

"Yeah" Jessica replies really too tired to say much else.

Nick leans over and kisses her cheek "I love you."

She lays her head back down and watches them as they go, smiling as Nick uses the baby's hand to wave to her. Although she's tired she cannot sleep. Her body, having gone beyond fatigue into pure exhaustion, refuses to let go. She enjoys the novelty of just being able to rest, of not having to worry about anything or stay alert. Instead she sinks into soft warm sheets that still smell like Nick. She feels him comfort her even though he isn't in the room.

Her mind runs over their conversations and she feels a sense of relief for having gotten her fears out in the open. She's not sure about Nick's theory, it would be nice to blame her problems on someone else but that's never been her style. She still expected to be better at this than she feels she's managed to be but maybe the teething problems are hers and with time and patience she will achieve her dream.

Jessica hears Nick sneak back into the room. She opens her eyes to see his apologetic face. He whispers, "Ooh sorry didn't mean to wake you... ignore me ... I'm just getting the camera."

Smiling she thinks they'll have to find a bigger apartment soon to fit in all the photos Nick has taken of the baby. She closes her eyes again after watching him leave the room, camera in hand and a shirt slung over his shoulder. "Bye bye sweet chest" she thinks with a grin. She knew he wouldn't stay shirtless long.

Barely five minutes later Nick is back. She watches him through half closed eyes, disguising the fact she's awake. He moves stealthily around the room collecting as many of the baby's toys as he can carry. He comes back for a second load. Jessica watches all this highly amused. The baby is too young to play. He has no real interest in his playthings but his father does. Every new toy is explored and analyzed thoroughly before the baby even gets to see it. She has visions of Nick at play in the lounge while the baby sleeps soundly beside him.

This has been one of the greatest joys of motherhood, discovering a whole new side to her husband. Watching him fall so naturally into the role of a father has been almost as amazing as holding this new life in her hands. She'd wondered how loving a baby would affect the way she loved Nick but it's only made her love him more.

His undeniable presence again fills the room and she hears him rummaging through drawers. Her curiosity by this stage has become almost unbearable. When she sees Nick leave the room with an armful of baby clothes her brow furrows as she tries to decide what he could possibly be up to. Jessica thinks about it for maybe ten minutes before her need to know gets the better of her. There is no way she can rest with her mind churning out endless possibilities and she feels that lying here she is missing out on all the fun. Walking quietly into the lounge so she doesn't disturb them Jessica is delighted with what she finds.

Nick has the baby propped up on a platform of toys and cushions and is busily taking photos of him. Their beautiful golden skinned child surrounded by bright colors is a vision reminiscent of a calendar scene. Laughing as his son pulls faces and sucks on his fist Nick clicks away oblivious to Jessica's presence. Her chuckle startles him and he looks up sheepishly.

"Was I too loud?" he asks apologetically.

She smiles and walks towards him wrapping one arm around his waist and resting against him "No just too enticing" She looks down at the baby and the elaborate set up Nick has created. "Besides the obvious, Baby what are you doing?"

"Baking a cake" he replies in mock seriousness.

She elbows him softly in the ribs.

"You've been saying for a while we need to send out thank you notes for everyone who sent Nicholas a gift so I thought I'd take some photos to put in with the notes."

Jessica looks at the setup he's done and knows they'll be adorable pictures. She's a little too surprised at Nick having this idea to respond immediately. She feels his body tense against hers and he mumbles "You hate it"

"No" her hand quickly finds it's way to his cheek and she moves his face so he's looking at her "I love it! Thank you. You just surprised me that's all." With a cheeky smile she says "You've left me wondering who this man is whose masquerading as my husband."

"I do believe I'm being insulted here" his bottom lip curls in a pathetic display of distress and he grumbles "and you wonder why I never do anything nice."

"That's more like the Nick I know and love" she teases.

The look of horror on his face warns her of impending danger and she manages to scoot out of his arms before he attacks. She laughs at the disappointed thwarted look she leaves behind. From this angle she can see the baby clothes stacked up behind him and it reminds her why she came out of the bedroom "What's with all those clothes though Nick."

He's suddenly excited as he explains his brilliant idea. His behavior reminiscent of those late night session when he'd get a sudden break though on a case that exhilarated him and he just had to share. He explains that most people sent clothes or toys so he's trying to get pictures with as many of the items that were given as possible so the photos that accompany the notes actually have the gift the person gave in it. Jessica's surprised at the amount of thought he's put into this but she's also horrified by the idea of him changing the baby so often in such a short space of time. Nick laughs at her protective mother hen instinct and says "Hey relax we devised a plan, we don't need to change him to get the pictures."

Jessica's amused by his use of 'we,' quite sure this wild plan is due to only one member of this team. She watches him get an outfit, lay it against the baby, tucking it in and then moving the toys in close to cover any obvious edges "Ok now hold still" Nick says to the baby and prepares to take the photo.

Jessica laughs "Oh if you start talking with a lisp and calling him sweetie I'm outta here."

He pulls an amused face at her and takes the photo then says "See"

"Baby!" barely containing her laughter she says "That won't work. It's not going to look like he's wearing it."

"Will too, you just wait and see."

Jessica shakes her head in disbelief. Ignoring her Nick takes another photo and says "If that's all the help you're going to be you may as well go back to bed and leave us men to our business."
Jessica laughs "OK I'm going to have a shower you two go ahead with your ... business."

"Good! And no laughing at us either"

She puts on a mock serious face then walks away laughing to herself. Halfway down the hallway she hears Nick call out after her "I can hear you laughing."

*~*~*~*~*~*

Entering the bathroom Jessica can't help but chuckle again. Yesterday she hid in here fighting her fears, today she plans on washing them away. The water cascades over her body as she takes the time to enjoy it. For a change she isn't rushing and listening out for the cries of the baby. She lets the pounding of the water mesmerize her. The constant rhythm and warmth creating a serene comforting world. Her skin cries out with delight as she smothers it in luxurious lathered gel.

The scent washes over her as she cleanses her skin. She feels exhilarated as she rinses the shampoo from her hair then works the conditioner in. Such a tiny moment, such a normal motion but today it feels almost surreal. Submerging her head under the water she listens to it echo throughout her body. Eyes closed she hears nothing but the sound. It engulfs her, she feels it pounding through her veins. She's discovering herself again under this cleansing torrent and feels more alive then she's felt for a long time.

Opening her eyes and turning under the stream she lets it wash over her body. Above the beating of the water she hears the sound of the baby cry. The air seems to change shape around her as she hears the sound increase signaling his approach. The sanctuary is no more, real life again intrudes and she knows her moment of escape is coming to an end.

"Jess I checked and he's dry I think this time he's hungry."

The solitude was short lived but long enough. She's ready to move and eager to reconnect. One more rinse of her hair and she turns the water off. Thanking Nick for the towel he passes her she checks his watch and says "It's a bit soon but by the time I'm dressed it'll be close enough to time."

Nick patting and rocking the baby nods. Jessica wraps the towel around her and steps out of the shower. She grabs another towel and begins drying the excess water from her hair with it. She looks up and sees Nick still standing there. Teasingly she asks, "You going to watch?"

The mix of emotions crossing his face surprises her. She looks at him closely but his expression is unreadable when he asks "Can I?"

Her first instinct is to laugh but she sees he's serious. She wonders why? There have been many and varied times when she's undressed for him. Sensually drawing it out for his pleasure, provocatively teasing a reaction, desperately hungry to be his. She's dressed with him often too, relaxed, comfortable discussions whilst both are changing or while he waits for her. This seems different, this is dressing for him. She's not sure what it is he wants to see but that he's asked her pleases her.

Earlier she'd told him she needs to feel wanted and the look in his eyes now is definitely want. She undoes the towel then slowly runs it along her limbs as Nick watches from his place in the doorway. His body is swaying for their child but his eyes are solely hers. Whereas last night she felt trapped by the thought of him, today she feels safe. She knows he won't ask for more than she can give which leaves her free to give all she has to offer.

She allows his eyes to make love to her. Her hands guide the towel following their trail until every bead of moisture is removed. She reaches for the lotion and is pleased to see him lean against the wall for support. She looks at him through the veil of her hair and smiles. Although the look may appear coy there is nothing coy in her intent. She feels beautiful, she feels loved and she wants him to know how grateful she is.

As the lotion moisturizes her body his eyes rejuvenate her soul. With the spreading lotion she's adding a new layer, Jessica Lachey, mother and wife. While her hands run slowly over her skin she reflects on the contours of her body, muscle and bone, power and strength. Her actions remind her she's complete, whole and capable.

The air in the room is thick, steam from the shower leaving it hot and humid. With every breath the heady fruity scent of the lotion invigorates and refreshes. The only sounds she can hear are Nick's breathing, her own heartbeat and the soft rasp of skin against skin.

Looking across at her family she sees her husband with their child secure in his arms. Soothed by Nick's gentle motions the baby is silent now. Jessica wonders if he too is overwhelmed by the voracity of the love swirling in the room. Nick's darkening eyes speak volumes to her and their effect is twofold; as her heartbeat speeds up her legs weaken.

Closing the lid she collects one last bead on her finger. Knowing his eyes will keep her warm she forgoes a robe and walks naked into the bedroom. She stops as she passes him in the doorway placing the bead of lotion onto the tip of his nose. His chuckle draws a pleased smile from her as she walks towards the dresser.

Opening the drawer she hears "Blue." Looking at her options she smiles and retrieves three. Turning to face him she says "You have a choice." Slowly bringing the items into view she shows him silk, then cotton, then pauses for affect before displaying a pair worn during maternity with a "can you believe I was ever this big" expression on her face. He used to tease her that the only thing unattractive about pregnancy was the underwear but thankfully once he removed that barrier his goddess remained.

Walking forward with a smile on his face he takes two from her. He hovers beside her then reaches past and places them back in the drawer. His body presses against hers and she looks up in time for their mouths to meet softly. Her eyes close and she breathes him in, warm, musky, male, Nick, with a hint of something new; baby powder. His stubble cheek brushes against hers as he moves away. She feels a warmth leave her abdomen and realizes his hand had lain there against what had once been their child's home. Her sons sanctuary and his father's only connection. She'd missed his loving touch, the delighted awed expression as his cheek and hand rested there.

No longer needing to hold her to feel their child his nights have developed a new routine, she'd sorely missed the old. She turns to look at him and sees in his eyes that he hasn't forgotten his goddess or their temple and he worships them still. She looks down at the choice she holds in her hand, as blue as his eyes and wonders of the significance. He's standing by the bed now, the baby mesmerized by the light playing off the mirror, his father by the vision of his wife.

Jessica had been feeling lost, her body a vessel. She'd been poked and prodded, measured and displayed, on call 24/7. There's no dignity or privacy in childbirth, your body suddenly open for discussion, from cracked nipples to stitches everybody knows. Giving birth in a courtroom, being wheeled out before a sea of familiar faces, at the time she was to overawed to care but lately it's been one more memory to make her cringe.

With her focus on the baby and her body's obligations to him she'd forgotten she's also beautiful. A passionate woman whose body, while life sustaining, is sensual, desirous and desired. When she'd told Nick earlier she wasn't ready for sex it was partly because she didn't feel she could give what wasn't hers. So much had already been taken from her, that to spread herself even further, was to risk being lost completely, splintered, shattered. She doesn't feel that way any more.

Catching her reflection in the mirror she sees her body. Each scar, each mark a battle fought and won. She is hers. Her body strong and able to give as well as receive. Her hand lays where Nick's so recently had. This didn't break her it completed her. Her eyes close. She breathes in deep and long feeling it rush through her body, filling her, buoying her. She is strong. A slight nod of her head, unconsciously done but seen by her husband, and her ritual is complete. One final breath and she opens her eyes and walks to the closet.

Jessica cannot remember the last time she chose an outfit for the way it made her feel. Easy access has been her only priority for so long but not today. Today is about feeling like herself, feeling like a woman, easy access is a bonus only. Her choices are deliberate. Favorite items that have hung idle for too long. Old faithful friends that have always lifted her spirits and made her feel loved and wanted.

The pants she chooses were a birthday gift from Nick and one he's very proud of himself for giving. Baby pink and figure hugging in all the right places. He's always delighted to see her wear them and with his hands smoothing over the material tells her in them she looks good enough to eat. Although still carrying extra baby weight the material has enough give that the fit is still comfortable. One look at Nick's delighted face shows he's impressed with the extra curve. She expects any second to see his tongue snake out and run across his lips.

Smiling she knows the rest of the outfit is already chosen for her. She turns back to the closet and removes a simple tank top and matching zipper hoodie. The zipper makes it practical but being pink and velour does not. She doesn't care. Hang the expense. If it gets ruined it gets ruined. It's time she started to take risks. It's time to live again.

This sweater has always made her feel alive and it doesn't hurt that Nick likes it too. He likes the feel of it; so soft, so inviting. His hands are compelled to touch, his cheek to rub. The colors suit her, they make her glow, appear ethereal. It's a sure sign of the distinction between his partner and his wife. Although appreciative of her no nonsense tailored look he loves the weekends when he discovers the softness and true essence of the woman underneath. When they shed their designer suited armor and become just two ordinary people deeply and gloriously in love.

By the time she's added the hoodie the baby has become impatient. His cries punctuating the room. She wonders if his distress is caused by hunger or annoyance at the tight hold of his slightly distracted father. Barefoot she decides the rest can wait until her son's needs are met. She walks towards Nick taking the child from his arms. Seating herself she settles and comforts the baby. His mouth now too busy to cry the room is silent bar the sound of his suckling.

"Let me" she hears Nick say and looks to see him seat himself by her feet. She's unsure what he's suggesting until she feels his hand encircle her foot. His hands linger under her pant's legs longer than is strictly necessary to place her shoes on but she doesn't protest. When he's finished and run out of excuses to be touching her he rests his head against her knees. She feels his lips press against her and looks down at him. One hand runs along a leg as his cheek nuzzles the other. From where she sits he looks like a cat rubbing against her, so why is she the one who feels the desire to purr.

Jessica reaches down and softly runs her fingers through his hair. Nick stands and quickly says "I uh ... um ... I ... lunch" and leaves the room.

Smiling amused she looks down at the baby and strokes his cheek then suddenly Nick is back in the room lifting her face to his and kissing her passionately. Breaking away he says "I love you" and is gone again before she can gather the wherewithal to reply.

Jessica looks at her son's startled eyes and whispers "That was just your daddy. He's a little strange at times but we love him very much anyway, don't we?" The baby's fist curls and Jessicachuckles at the timing as she looks at the little thumbs up sign resting against her breast.

*~*~*~*~*~*

With the baby now asleep at her breast she rises and places him into his cot. She enters the kitchen and finds Nick busy at the stove. Mimicking her actions of last night she comes up behind him and wraps her arms around his waist. "This is becoming a habit" he teases. She kisses his back and he turns in her arms. "I think that works better this way"

His mouth moves to hers. Her hands move up his body until draped around his neck. His hands are busy too, running over her sweater until coming to rest on her hips. There their grip tightens and then they slide to the back of her thighs drawing her towards him. Their kiss continues on, their bodies supporting each other. Jessica feels the intensity of his reaction and suffers a moment of panic.

She becomes anxious as she feels all the progress she's made slipping away. She'd only just begun to feel in control. Her grasp on it is too new, too fragile to be willing to give it up again. Although arousal and desire are there her need for self preservation outweighs the need for consummation. She feels trapped in his firm hold. She wants to run, she wants to lash out before remembering this is the man she's promised to talk to. Her arms move from his neck to his chest where she exerts a little pressure.

Sensing her intent Nick pulls away, remembering her words of this morning and his promise not to pressure her. "I'm sorry" his hand cups her cheek "God I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to push."
Jessica leans forward resting her forehead against his "Soon" she whispers.

His hands hold her loosely they soothe her as he whispers vows of patience. She interrupts his promises with a kiss. Her actions helping allay his guilt. When they separate she reiterates "Soon."

He takes her face in his hands wanting to assure her he can wait but is silenced when he sees in her eyes a need just as strong as his own. Instead he smiles and welcomes her back into his arms.
"I want you so much" he quietly says.

Jessica believes him. No longer doubting this fact at all she happily relaxes into his arms. She's right where she's always wanted to be. Now she just needs to let her mind catch up to her body. It's not something she wants to rush though because it's something she needs to get right. It's too important not to. After a few minutes of quiet reflection she feels him pull away.

"Grab a seat Jessica lunch is ready"

She sneaks a peak over his shoulder at the pot containing said lunch and hopes her dismay isn't evident on her face. "It ... it smells ... interesting ... What is it?"

He turns and gives it a bit of a stir then with a grin says "I don't think it actually has a name."

That response was not the one she was looking for but after the effort he's gone too she isn't about to make a comment. Somewhat nervously she sits down at the table. The pleasure of watching him put the finishing touches to their meal overrides her apprehension over what she's about to consume.

She loves watching him at home, his manner relaxed and comfortable. In the office his shoulders are set straighter, he's strong and imposing with an image and reputation to maintain. At home he's Nick, his body all fluid motions, his face expressive and his conversations playful. Sensuously clothed in jeans and a t shirt. His strong arms are visible, bare, temptingly so. She can almost feel her hands running over his body. Sliding under his sleeves feeling the hard muscle underneath. Fitting her palm to it and feeling it move as he draws her into his arms.

The sound of her plate hitting the table startles her pulling her back to the present.

Laughing Nick says "You were miles away"

"Oh no I was right here" she assures him.

He sits and reaches across the table for her hand. She gives it to him willingly. Their fingers dance, seeking each other out unwilling to remain still.

"Eat" he tells her.

She looks at her plate trying to identify what's been served. Not sure she wants to know the answer she asks "What's in it?"

"I could tell you but then I'd have to kill you."

She looks up at him and knows by his smile he's expecting her to suggest his cooking will do that for him. She laughs and grasping his hand in hers, halting their dance, takes a forkful with the other and places it in her mouth. "Mmm delicious" she says and then the taste hits her and she realizes it does taste a hell of a lot better than it looks. Swallowing she says "Actually it is good."
Somewhat smugly he says "I know" and digs into his own.

*~*~*~*~*~*

The afternoon progressed without further drama until the baby's cranky time arrived. By 5 p.m. he is tired. Worn out from a busy day of eating and sleeping but unwilling to sleep again. Most days he's just cranky but some days he's inconsolable. Lindsay is used to dealing with it now. It's second nature to her to do any number of activities while holding and soothing the unhappy child. Knowing it's going to happen doesn't make it any easier to hear her son cry and some days it's harder to cope with than others. Especially since she normally goes through this time alone.

Nick usually arrives home during the tail end of it so is unused to the prolonged crying. He's disconcerted by it, his usual rocking and swaying and patting is having no affect and he's at a loss for a solution.

"What am I doing wrong?" He asks exasperated.

Jessica who's folding clothes on the couch looks up with a wry grin saying "Babies cry Nick but it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong"

He grimaces hearing her repeat his words from earlier in the day. "I hate it when my words come back to bite me in the ..."

"Language Nick you're a father now" she admonishes

"Bottom" he says innocently "I was going to say bottom"

Her responding look is one of total disbelief.

"Should you try feeding him maybe?"

"He's not hungry Nick. He prefers movement, it would only distress him being held still."

"But I'm moving and he's not stopping any."

"He is believe me. He's far louder than that when kept still."

Now Nick's look is one of incredulity "Movement ... so should I take him in the car maybe."

"No just walk around a bit more."

"What if I walk through the hallway is that better?"

"If you want to upset all our neighbors yeah."

Nick stands there staring at her. Jessica sees the desperation on his face. The expectation that she has all the answers. She wishes she did. His faith in her pleases her and she offers him all the advice she can.

"Just walk a bit and talk to him ... and try to relax he senses tension."

"Relax" Nick huffs and begins another tour of the house. When he returns to the lounge she's no longer there. He finds her in the kitchen "What are you doing?"

"I thought I'd get dinner started."

"No you're supposed to be taking it easy I'm supposed to do all this stuff."

"Nick I need to be doing something I can't just sit here and listen to him cry."

"I'm trying to stop him"

"I know, I know, I'm sorry I didn't mean to imply you weren't. I just meant ... I need to be doing something. I need a distraction so I can resist the temptation of taking him from you."

"Jess if he's going to be happier with you..."

"That's just it Nick he isn't. I won't have anymore success than you're having. This is just his grumpy time of day. Kind of like you before your morning coffee."

Nick smiles at her but then looks at the unhappy baby unconvinced. "Maybe I should cook and you do this."

"No I don't want to take him from you ... you don't get enough time with him as it is. I just need to be doing something so I'm not hovering over you making things even more tense. Walk around with him more Nick, he likes movement and I'll be here if you need me."

Nick nods and walks out of the kitchen. Jessica hears his voice as he talks to the baby. She smiles thinking of how supportive he's been today. She certainly cannot fault him on effort. She knows attentive Nick isn't going to be around forever but she's willing to treasure him during his all too infrequent visits.

*~*~*~*~*~*

"Jessica!" she hears called in desperation. Putting aside the dinner dishes she was cleaning she rushes to the bathroom, there she finds Nick holding their naked and dripping son high and away from him, a look of horror on his face.

"What happened?"

"There's floaties in the water"

Jessica watches him turn the child looking like he's trying to get a good angle and says "What are you doing?"

"I don't know which side I want facing me"

Grabbing a towel she wraps it around their startled and none too happy son. "Rule number one Nick, cover the hose and he can't get your nose." Passing the now wrapped up baby back to him she empties and refills the tub. Placing a clean dry towel over Nick's vacant shoulder she takes the baby and places him back in the tub, gives him a quick rinse and then wraps him in the dry towel Nick passes to her.

Handing the baby back to Nick she grins and says "You should be right to go from here."

He walks over to the change table then asks "Does that happen often?"

"Not often but it happens, he does seem to be saving all his best tricks for you."

Nick laughs and looks down at the baby. His eyes are sparkling and Nick suspects they are laughing back up at him. "You having fun buddy?" He gets a nice spit bubble for an answer which greatly amuses the proud dad.

Jessica sits in the chair watching them. Nick looks down at her and smiles feeling self conscious under her scrutiny. "Am I doing it wrong?" he asks.

"What? No! I just like watching you with him."

Nick nods and looks back at the baby. Gently he eases him into his clothing then passes him down to Jessica. He squats down next to the chair, his arm across the back of it and resting on her shoulder, his other hand resting on her knee.

"I like watching you too"

"With the baby?"

"Always" he rises a little so he can give her lips a tender kiss "but yeah I really like seeing the two of you together." Jessica smiles at him then down at the baby. Nick is silent for a while, enjoying just looking at them, and then he rises. "I'll go tidy up."

Jessica catches his hand before he walks away. Squeezing it gently she looks up at him "Nick thank you."

He gently kisses her fingers then leaves. Jessica returns the hand to the baby's head softly running her thumb over his brow.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Nick comes back into the room as she's finishing the feeding. He flops onto the bed
"I don't know how you do this all the time Jess. One day of looking after him on my own and I'm zonked"

Jessica looks over at him surprised but he's face down so he can't see her. 'On your own' she thinks 'what about the calls for help every 5 minutes.' Not being able to see his face she can't tell if he's serious or just teasing her. She smiles thinking either one would be typically Nick. She also must admit to herself he looks very inviting lying there. Having him here and so attentive all day has left her only wanting more.

Placing the now sleeping baby into the cot she curls up next to Nick, her head resting next to his on the pillow. He opens his eyes and smiles then closes them again. "You're beautiful" he murmurs.

"You're not too bad yourself" she rubs his back. He chuckles but otherwise gives no reaction. She moves a litter closer and says softly "I think I might take a bath."

"Mmmmm" he replies "you still smell good from your shower."

She runs her fingers through his hair and whispers again "I think I might take a bath."

He opens one eye and looks at her quizzically, he seems to like the image he sees "that's funny" he says "because I was just thinking I might take a bath."

"Really?"

"Yeah."

"Well that could be a problem seeing as we only have one."

"It would require compromise."

"Care to compromise me Nick?"

His laughter is like music to her and before she knows it he's pulling on her arm and dragging her off the bed.

"All right all right I'm moving" she giggles "Go get it started, I'll be there in a second."

He stops tugging on her and walks towards the bathroom. Stopping at the door he looks back with a half smile on his face, he pauses for a moment and she thinks he's going to speak but then he continues silently on his way. She didn't need words though she was well able to read the look in his eye.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Nick's climbing gingerly into the bath when Jessica enters the room.

"Hot?" she asks and with a smirk he deliberately misunderstands and says "Why thank you."

She rolls her eyes and picks up his discarded clothes from the floor "Someone was eager" she teases.

"Yeah and someone's stalling ... get in here." He leans back with an exaggerated expression of pure delight then rests his head on the edge and winks at her.

Jessica smiles and begins to undress. She hears him release a long soft sigh as he closes his eyes and lets the water ease his tired muscles. Looking at his face she sees he's tired. She wonders how much of it is due to the physical elements of the day and how much is a result of the emotionally draining morning.

She's had time to pull back and regroup but he's been on the go all day trying to be super dad and to convince her she's super mom. In typical Nick fashion he's decided on a course of action and thrown himself into it 100%. She knows this situation is going to take more than his sheer strength of will to fix but she loves him for making the effort.

Jessica leans down and kisses Nick's relaxed mouth thoroughly. Standing again she sees delighted eyes staring up at her. "Scoot forward" she says and gets a raised questioning eyebrow. "I want to hold you" she explains.

His eyes continue their exploration of her face, she knows he's trying to decide on her true motive. She tries to telegraph the truth back to him. With a shrug of his shoulders he sits up and makes room for her to slide in behind him. When she's settled he leans back against her chest "Ah cushioned comfort" he whispers euphorically grinning at her laugh.

Taking hold of the soap she runs it over his chest, the hair there helping create an instant lather. Her hands spread the foam over his neck and shoulders. He tilts his head up and looking at her face says "You know I'm old enough to do this on my own."

She kisses his forehead "But its more fun this way."

"That's for sure" He closes his eyes and enjoys the sensation then one eye opens as he asks "I'm not too heavy am I?" Her arms wrap around him and pull him tighter against her. He chuckles "I guess not" then lays back and relaxes as her hands run over his skin, cleansing as far as she can reach. He wiggles his toes at her but rejects her offer of the soap preferring to just return his foot to the warmth of the water. It's her touch he craves not his own.

She runs her hands through his hair. Looking down at his relaxed and joyful face she asks "What's going on in your head Nick?"

He smiles but his eyes remain closed. In a sleepy voice he says "Right now I'm just blissfully content."

Jessica lays her head against his, her palm resting over his heart. She can always find comfort in its steady rhythm.

Nick picks up her hand and raises her palm to his lips. Kissing it he asks "How about you?"

"I'm happy"

He returns her hand to his heart and holding it there looks at her "Really?"

She sees the hopeful look in his eyes and knows he's wondering if she's back to 'normal'.

"Nick I'm still unsure, I still have doubts" she places her finger on his lips to stop him interrupting "But for the first time in a long time I feel hopeful and I do believe it'll all work out."

"That' s good" he says quietly and she's unsure if it's a statement or a question but she feels either way he's disappointed.

"It is good" she says to dispel any of his doubt "I'm happy" she reaffirms.

She feels his head nod against her chest. Closing her eyes she thinks over what she just told him and smiles as she knows it is true. She's not miraculously cured, she's tired, she's a little overwhelmed but where this morning she saw her world crumbling away, now she feels it is merely rebuilding. It's not the end of the road she's at but the beginning. As long as she holds on tight to what she doesn't want to lose it will all turn out right in the end.

Wrapping her arms and legs around him until she's holding him in a four limbed embrace she kisses his head and says "Thank you Nick."

"For what?"

"For everything you did today, for listening to me and trying to understand, for believing in me, for being here and ... and for everything you said. Nick no matter how hard you try there is no miracle cure. You can't just fix this overnight because its something I have to work through but I did learn something today."

"Me too I learnt I'm diaperly challenged."

She laughs and holds on even tighter "And thank you for making me laugh. I've laughed more today than I have in a long time."

"What did you learn?"

"That I've been going about things the wrong way.."

Trying to turn in her arms he tiredly says "Jessica" reluctantly ready to argue this point again.

"No just listen" she says and sighing he settles back "What I realized is, I've been fighting hard to be strong so you'd be proud of me, and that's where I was wrong, because I don't need to be strong for you but I can be strong with you."

Nick looks up at her smiling and says "We do make a pretty good team."

"It may take me a while to find my feet but I'm not afraid of falling anymore I know you'll be there to catch me."

"You may need to holler at me but I'll be there."

"I'll holler" she grins

"Deal?"

"Yeah."

He tilts his head up until their lips meet in a tender kiss. His hand runs along her legs softly. As his mouth pulls away from hers he unceremoniously raises her leg holding her foot in his hand. A look of surprise on his face he says "Well look what I just found."

"My hero" she grins and he sinks chuckling against her chest.

"Still not cured?"

"Nope"

"Oh well" His fingers seek out hers, his arms crossed over his chest with hers. They lay there quietly for a moment then Nick speaks again "Jessica I think we have an important team decision to make."

"Uh huh" she says half heartedly, feeling too relaxed to be interested in making any important decisions.

"Well do we fall asleep here and turn into wrinkly old prunes or go find a nice warm bed to fall asleep in."

"If one of those options involves moving I vote for the other one."

Groaning Nick extricates himself from her grasp. Standing he pulls her up too "Come on you need sleep you're taking Nicholas to see my dad tomorrow."

Her eyes fly open as she says "I thought you were going to do that."

"Nah I'm too tired I think I might just sleep in tomorrow."

Grabbing a towel for herself and putting his over his head she says "that's what you think" as she climbs out of the bath.

He pulls the towel off his head and wraps it around him. A happy satisfied smile on his face.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Jessica startled sits up suddenly in bed her action waking Nick. "Oh god!" she says rushing to get out from under the covers. The lamp is on and she's over by the cot before he's even had time to register he's awake. He sees her shoulders slump and worried he's out of bed like a shot and by her side.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. He's all right."

"You're shaking" He holds her to him and states again amazed "You're shaking... what's wrong."

"He didn't wake up. I just woke up and saw the time and panicked. He's slept an hour past his usual feed time. He's never done that before."

"But he's ok?"

"Yeah he's just sleeping."

"Like we should be."

Still looking at the baby she nods. Rubbing his hands over her shoulders he turns her and leads her back to bed. He can still feel her trembling and knows she's too unsettled to sleep. Curling his body against hers he begins talking quietly, soothingly into her ear. "There is so much I want for him. I want him to always know he's loved, to believe in himself and in the world, I want him to never have to see half of what I have..."

"You don't want him to follow you into law?"

"Honestly? Not really. I'd be happy for him to do law but criminal defense work? I don't know. I believe in what we do, I think its a noble, honorable profession and the highs are great I'd like him to experience them, but I'd hate him to go through the lows. Some of the things I've seen, some of the things I've done ... I wouldn't want that for him. I'd like him to go through life without ever losing faith in himself and in humanity and I don't know if that's possible with what we do. I'd rather he does something like ... I don't know anything just as long as it makes him happy. Mostly I hope he finds a wonderful woman who loves him and he gets to have this. A wife and child ..."

"God you're making me a grandmother already."

He chuckles and cuddles in tighter. "I'll be a great grandfather don't you think?"

"You? Why?"

"I'll sit the kids on my knee and terrify them with stories of my youth. I'll be known as crazy old Grandpa Nick and they won't believe a word I say even though its all true. I'll tell them about the client who was fired for looking like a monkey, or maybe the client who actually was a monkey, or the client who was supposedly Lizzie Borden in a past life or the one who carried a head in his medical bag ... oh and how can I forget that crazy partner of mine who had a habit of throwing things at people and jumping across tables attacking them ... oh and then there's the time the office was terrorized by a man eating rat and everyone was cowering in fear until I arrived and saved the day."

"So much for these stories of yours being all true? As I recall you were as much help that day as Justin."

"Well they're not entirely true. I have to be the hero of the story it's a grandfather's prerogative."

"Then I guess it's up to the grandmother to tell the truth then."

"Oh and after I was going to say such nice things about you too."

"Why do I find that hard to believe?"

"Unfair! I was going to tell them about your dogged determination, how you fought for the underdog,”
Jessica laughs "For a minute there I was liking you"

"Only a minute?"

"No more like 30 seconds."

He laughs "In that case I'll tell them all about the case of the woman with maggots sewn into her legs."

"Oh Nick please don't mention that, you know how ... ick that makes me feel."

Nick does know. He knows all too well and if he didn't the shiver that ran through her body at the mere mention of it would have given him some idea. Unfortunately for Jessica it did give him an idea. Whispering in her ear about maggots crawling under her skin his fingers glide softly over her legs mimicking his words.

Giggling and begging him to stop she squirms trying to get away from his dancing fingers but is held to him too firmly by his other arm. Too preoccupied with trying to avoid his torment she fails to notice the effect her actions are having on him. Making a comment about one maggot who won't be getting under her skin she reaches behind her in a sure fire way to grab his attention and shut him up.

Who was the most surprised by her action is hard to tell. His hiss drowned out her startled "Ooh." Instinctively his hand grasps her hips drawing them back and trapping her hand against him. It takes him almost four deep breaths before he realizes what he is doing and lets go. His mumbled apology is stopped when she turns and places the tips of her fingers over his mouth.

"No I'm sorry..." she begins to say but he shakes his head.

Resting his forehead against hers he whispers "God don't apologize. Did you hear me complain?"
Jessica can feel his stilted puffs of breath against her face as he tries to will his body back under control. The air between them has become thick, heavy, tense. Their foreheads still resting together she raises her hand and runs her fingers gently through his hair. His hand rests softly on her hip. It doesn't move or exert any pressure it's just there. She thinks it's resting there more for his benefit than hers. Running over in her mind what just happened she realizes at no time was she uncomfortable or afraid.

Bringing both hands to his chest she rests them there momentarily. Taking in his raising breaths and rapidly beating heart. She begins to slowly move them down smiling at the way his muscles tense as she runs her hands over them. Jessica gages Nick's reaction by the changes in his breathing. She knows his eyes are glued to her face but she doesn't raise hers to meet him, afraid the power of his gaze may be her undoing. Knowing she'd see there hope and an all too intense longing. She doesn't want to feel under pressure. She wants to just enjoy this moment so instead of meeting his eyes she watches the ripple effect her hands have on his stomach.

Her hands have barely reached his waistband when the baby's cry startles them out of their all too brief interlude. Nick swears and Jessica doesn't blame him one bit. With a remorseful sigh she cups his head and briefly kisses his mouth. "I'm sorry" she says and he nods. Given any alternative nothing could drag her from her bed but she has none. Rolling over she climbs out and walks towards the baby.

Nick watches her get settled with a noticeable grimace on his face then gets up and goes to the bathroom. "You ok?" she asks on his return. He answers with a weary nod, rubbing her shoulder as he goes past, he gets back into bed. "The joys of parenthood" she quietly says and is pleased when she hears him laugh.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Having spent a lazy Sunday morning in bed, Nick is now showering. As Jessica had suggested yesterday he's going to take the baby with him to spend the afternoon at his father's, leaving her free to have an afternoon out on her own. Rising from the rocking chair after feeding the baby Jessica can see Nick, through the open door, shaving at the sink.

His skin is still glistening from the shower. She admires the smooth curve of his shoulder, the hollow of his spine dissecting the broad expanse of his back, muscles flexing and contracting as he slides the razor along his cheek. Her eyes devour him. His thin, towel clad hips, long lean muscular legs. Just visible beyond the towel is the puckered scar of a boyhood accident. You'd think it was made of chocolate the way her mouth waters at the sight of it. Her fingers long to touch it, to feel it's warm silky terrain, fascinated by the differing feel of it. It's like a lose thread you can't help pulling. It's there but doesn't belong. Its misplacement, attention seeking.

When Nick rinses the razor and lays it on the sink Jessica makes her move. His body moving forward to rinse his face at the sink is halted by her sudden appearance in front of him preventing him from continuing.

"Hey!" he says in surprise as the baby is passed into his arms.

Jessica's hands lovingly run over his soap streaked face, capturing some foam on her finger she slides it over his skin until her palm is resting over his heart, she leans her face towards him. His scent filling her, soap and shampoo, good clean smells and underneath that is Nick, her favorite smell of all. She runs her cheek against his, it's slick, smooth and warm. She kisses him, tasting him, toothpaste and Nick.

Pulling away she reaches for a cloth, soaking it in warm water then squeezing it until almost dry, she raises it to his face. One soft smooth loving stroke and he grabs her wrist moving her hand away. She looks up at him startled and disappointed. His smiling eyes ease her concern.

"Wait one second" he says placing a kiss to her forehead. He leaves the bathroom and places the baby in his cot. Setting the musical mobile hanging above it going he then returns to the bathroom. Resting his now free hands onto her hips he smiles and says "Now where were we?"

Smiling she returns to her task.

Nick watches her face like a hawk. He's amused by her steadfast focus. Right down to the act of biting and sucking on her lip in concentration. It fascinates him. He's never been so jealous of a lip before. He wants that mouth for himself. That warm, moist, glorious mouth. His eyes drift closed as memories of a mouth as soft and warm as the cloth Jessica is currently using wash over him.

With the baby no longer in Nick's arms Jessica is less cautious with the water. The cloth no longer squeezed dry leaves rivulets of moisture on his face. Rinsing the cloth again Jessica watches a trickle build and run down his cheek before coming to rest on his chin. She watches it cling and try desperately not to fall. She can't let it drop, not after it's so devotedly held onto him.
Leaning forward she collects it on her tongue then presses her lips to where it had pooled.

Nick's hands grip her tighter. His soft sigh echoes in her ear and she raises her eyes to his and smiles. One more general rinse of the cloth and she turns her attention to all the intricate areas of his face. The valleys around his nose, over his top lip and the indent above it, under the bottom lip, cleft of his chin, under his jaw-line, behind and around his ears. When finally satisfied nothing remains except fresh glowing Nick skin, she drops the cloth and uses her hands to wipe away any excess moisture. That task accomplished she uses her cheek to check on her handiwork. Softly she runs hers over his then changing sides repeats the action.


His hands move from her hips and crossing behind her back draw her against him. Hers snake around his waist informing him there's no place else she'd rather be. Drawing her head and shoulders back so she can look into his eyes she declares him "Perfect." His hands release her body and cupping her face draw her mouth to his. His actions echoing her expressed sentiment. Her hands raise up his back until resting against his shoulders. Mapping out the smooth expanse that first beckoned her near. Though no further words are spoken their declarations of love are heard loud and clear.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Laden down with more bags then he'd normally take for a three day weekend, Nick slowly makes his way to the door with Jessica, issuing a barrage of instructions, following behind. He had no idea taking his son for a 3 hour visit to his grandfather's would be such a production. Half the things Jessica has packed for him to take he doesn't even know what their function is. He's resisted mentioning this though fearing a lecture on the proper use of each would end up cutting the visit short a couple of hours.

"Jessica!" he says groaning after one more piece of what he considers being useless information.

Jessica was about to issue another, of what she considers sound, piece of advice but sees the exasperated look on his face. She looks from father to son and then a small smile rises. "You're right, I'm sorry ... it's just ..." she looks up at him and sees he understands.

"I know, first time without baby" he looks at her compassionately then says "But you have to cut the apron strings sooner or later"

She raises her hand to give him a playful slap but can't see a free space on his body to do it. He laughs at the sudden confusion on her face. She can't help but laugh with him.

Grinning he says "Admit it Jessica you really want to come with us." She shakes her head but he keeps talking "You're shoveling all this on me to compensate for the fact you wont be there. Why don't you just give in and accept you want to come with us?"

"Say hello to your dad and Iris if she’s there for me" she says turning Nick towards the door "Tell him I look forward to seeing him next time."

Nick turns back ignoring Jessica's frustrated sigh preferring to listen to the delight in her eyes.

"You know you want to come with us. You know you really want to."

"No I don't!"

He leans forward and whispers in her ear "You really do."

Shaking her head she walks towards the door and opens it "Have a good time Nick."

Resigned he walks to the door pausing in front of her for a kiss. Jessica kisses his cheek then leans into the carrier and kisses the baby. Smiling at each other they say their real goodbyes then Nick walks out.

He takes a couple of steps down the hallway then turns, "Hey Jessica"

Her head pops out from the still open doorway "Yes?"

"Wanna come with us?"

"Asked and answered" she teases shaking her head in amusement. Nick's face takes on a thoughtful expression but when he doesn't speak she becomes concerned. "What?"

He shakes his head and smiles, "Nothing" he says quietly and then walks back towards her. She steps out of the doorway fully to meet him. His lips softly brush against hers "Have a good day" he whispers as he pulls away. Her hand reaches out and caresses his cheek then draws him back down for one more kiss.

"You too" she says when they separate. She watches them walk away. As he's about to turn the corner Nick looks back at her with a mischievous glimmer in his eyes. Before he can say what she knows he's about to say Jessica laughs, steps into the apartment and closes the door.

Leaning against it she breathes a sigh of relief and looks around the silent house. It's the first time she's been without the baby since he was born and she's been looking forward to the break all morning. Looking around she suddenly feels the emptiness of the apartment, feels their loss. She has the urge to fling the door open and chase them down the hall screaming "take me with you, take me with you." But close on the heels of that urge is a sudden freedom that has her feeling like dancing on the table for joy.

Jessica does neither though. Instead she walks calmly to her room to prepare for her day out. Her plans are simple, she's just going to see what the day brings. Originally she'd thought about calling Cacee and making a day of it but then decided Cacee would take over. They'd end up doing what Cacee wanted to do and the point of having this time to herself was to no longer be at the mercy of someone else's whims. No today is hers, to do as she wants when she wants. She thinks she might start by going to a Sunday market.

Hair, makeup and clothes fixed she looks at herself in the mirror. She wonders who this woman staring back at her is. The precision reminds her of a woman she used to know but there is a softness about her now that she doesn't remember ever seeing in her before. She smiles liking this mix. She thinks she may like to get to know this person. Grabbing her bag and keys she walks to the front door but on opening it she pauses. Closing it again she deposits her bag on the closest end table and walks towards Nick's desk. She wants to leave a letter for him to read when he gets home.

*~*~*~*~*~*

Nick's mind runs at fever pitch as he travels to his father's. Although he was only teasing with his pestering Jessica to accompany them, a part of him would have liked her to say yes. He's been thrown by the events of the weekend and although feeling they are headed in the right direction now he's not confident enough to be completely secure of her going out on her own. Yes he doesn't doubt for a second she loves him but obviously that hasn't been enough. He's let her down. He fears the connection they've started rebuilding is still too tenuous to be tested by distance. He fears, without him, she'll find a new strength. Shaking his head he tries to lose those thoughts.

They haven't spoken of the future. The baby arrived early, before they'd had a chance to finalize plans. Months ago Jessica had stated she thought she'd take a full maternity. After the baby was born she'd said she couldn't see the day when she'd want to do anything but be with him. Nick wonders if this is now true. They've never discussed it again, was that a decision she made in the fresh glow of motherhood that she feels smothered by now?

In the past she's often accused him of being a workaholic and it's true their attitudes to work are different. She did like to go home at the end of the day and leave the office behind. But at the same time she needed the work too. When faced with personal problems, fears and uncertainties it was in her work Jessica found solace. Nick wonders where does she find it now?

He knows she's always faced failure with renewed dedication. It would make her work harder, longer, forsaking everything to once again succeed. Immersing herself in her work she'd find a new battle and in doing so find her strength, find her confidence to combat and shake off whatever it is she feared. It's important to her to have something to put her back against. To know there is a part of her life she can control and can excel at.

For Nick it's the thrill of the game that keeps him coming back for more. The challenge of loopholes and strategies and if he can just ignore what chasing those sometimes amounts to it's exhilarating. For Jessica its proving she can, never backing down and never being beaten. It's outsmarting and being prepared to the excess, facts and figures and precedents to counter every argument given and never admitting defeat. Never showing an opponent they've rattled you and never showing any signs of doubt.

That was the hardest lesson for Nick to learn. That the woman who's coat of armor seemed so strong and invincible was human after all. At home, as his girlfriend then his wife, she showed him the chinks; allowed him to see her for who she really was. A strong intelligent person with all the hopes, dreams, and uncertainties you'd expect in a woman her age.

Without the work, without the challenge, the constant validation of her strength and worth doubt has set in. He knows it's not the baby she's struggling with, just seeing them together he knows this, it's the loss of who she's always known herself to be. The lack of direction she finds her life has now and the lack of control. She's always managed to be so many people while still being her. Partner, wife, best friend, singer are all perfectly compartmentalized facets of who Jessica was and her days and personas were organized to the nth degree but now she feels her only facet is motherhood.

Nick wonders if it's not the role but the lack of options she finds stifling. Whatever it is he wants to help her find her place and find pleasure in it, but how?

*~*~*~*~*~*

Nick arrives home from the visit to his father's. He sees Jessica's bag and keys on the end table and knows she's home but he can't hear a sound. The baby is asleep so he places the carrier down and seeks her out. He doesn't call for her because if she too is asleep he doesn't want to disturb her. He's walking past the study when he hears a shuffling of papers. Looking in he sees her pouring over her notebooks and papers of lyrics scribbling notes furiously as she goes. 'So much for taking it easy for the day' he thinks.

"Hey what are you doing?" he asks and she jumps when he speaks.

"Nick what are you doing back so soon? Is the baby OK?"

"Soon? Jess we're late, it's 5 already."

"What!" she looks down at her watch and sees he's telling the truth "I guess I got carried away."

"Did you go out at all?"

Looking embarrassed Jessica says "No I uh ... I came in her to get some paper, I wanted to write you a note and ... I uh just started looking at my journals of lyrics and then ..." she waves her hand at the papers spread over his desk.

"You really miss it that much?" Nick asks.

"I hadn't thought about it but yeah I miss the stimulation, I miss thinking. What I do at the moment I don't really think about, I merely react. Someone else is setting my schedule, he tells me when to feed him, he tells me when to change him, when I can eat and sleep..."

"And you accuse me of being bossy."

Jessica laughs

"Jess I know its earlier than you planned but have you considered going back to work at all, singing and being on the road…doing an album again?"

"It's too soon Nick."

"I know but what I mean is, maybe you could go into the studio for a couple of hours one day a week or not even something as structured as that ... maybe just whenever you felt like it. Your fans do need you Jess and it would in a strange sort of way be a break for you. You were saying you needed to get out, and if the answers no, that's fine... I'm just thinking, is that something you'd like?"

"What about the baby?"

"My dad..."

"Oh Nick please don't tell me you think your father could..."

"No, what I was going to say was, my dad knows a woman from his parish who takes in kids on a casual basis."

"But we don't know anything about this woman Nick. I couldn't just..."

"Well she used to look after me and I turned out ok didn't I?"

Jessica smiles up at him but doesn't give a reply then her brow furrows and she says "Used to look after you my God how old is this person?"

Nick laughs "No I mean she baby sat me as a kid she was a teenager then, but she's all grown up now" he teases then becomes serious "Is it something you'd consider?"

Jessica looks down at the lyrics she wrote in front of her and the notes she's been working on. It was the closest she felt to being herself in a long time. She liked it. She's surprised how much she liked it. Taking a full maternity leave was something she thought she might do but now she's not so sure. "Maybe" she answers.

"Good" Nick's pleased to see a light and a hint of excitement in Jessica's eyes. “I’m sure Britney and Christina would be happy…I mean right now they easily beat you but once you’re back out there you’ll kill them with sales.”

Jessica gives him the death stare and rising says "You Nick Lachey are in serious trouble now"

Backing away, Nick thinks they are the sweetest words he's ever heard. Jessica catches up to him just as he enters the bedroom. Their arms immediately seek one another out and they spin until Jessica's legs hit the mattress sending her sprawling onto the bed and Nick falling on top of her. They look into each other's eyes and laugh, feeling relaxed and playful and delighted to be in each others arms.

"I'm glad you're home" Jessica says drawing Nick's mouth down to hers.

His reply was lost when her lips captured his. Her pliant body under him, her eager hands and soft lips caressing him, he was more than pleased to be home too. It was becoming increasingly obvious how pleased when the third member of their family decided to make his presence known.

Groaning Nick collapsed down on her and mumbled into her neck "How does he do that?" Jessica giggles and Nick rises up to look at her. "Tell me?" he asks wanting to know what has amused her so.

"I was just thinking it could be my breasts."

Nick laughs loudly "Oh this I've gotta hear."

"I'm not telling you if you're going to have that attitude" she teases and he flashes her his good puppy face. Trying to hide her amusement she says "Well my breasts react to him, like when he cries I uh ..."

In the pause she takes Nick helpfully fills in the gap "Let down."

"Yes thank you Nick. So I was thinking maybe he senses the changes in them when we ... when you ... oh yeah..." Nick's hands move over her, silencing her words.

His eyes bore into her, delighting in her distraction "And?" he says knowing the last thing on her mind right now is speech.

Jessica shakes her head, clearing her thoughts, "And he gets protective ... the last thing he wants is his daddy spoiling his dinner."

Nick laughs "That has got to be the worst theory I've heard."

Jessica pushes him off her, and grinning says "Well Einstein you come up with something better." She leaves the room and heads in the direction of her son's increasing cries. She hears Nick approach behind her and turning to look a him raises her eyebrow questioningly. He shrugs his failure to produce an alternative.

Jessica reaches the baby and extracts him from his carrier, resting him against her she takes in his sweet smell as she coos to calm him.

"Is he ok?" Nick asks.

"Yeah just wet" Jessica replies and together they walk back to their room to change him.

Nick tells her of all the exciting adventures of the day while Jessica relishes that the adventures are over and her family is back home safe and complete.

 

The End!