(Various Shakespearean characters come onstage, bickering loudly to each-other)
Ophelia, Lady Macbeth: Do you think ~I~ had any control over my mental health?!
Titus: Tis Will's fault!
Mercutio: A plague on William's houses!
Hamlet: But written by Shakespeare or not. That is the question. Tis nobler-
All but Hamlet: SHUT UP!
Horatio: He gets the best-known monologue in history, and I'll be known as "the friend." I'm sick of this, Hamlet!
(Horatio chases Hamlet around the stage, yelling various expletives)
Hamlet: Mommy! Mommy! Save me!
Queen Gertrude: Frailty, thy name is MAN.
(Hamlet sobs in the corner, muttering the "to be�" monologue)
(Romeo and Juliet enter)
Romeo: You think YOU'VE got problems? I was forced to commit suicide for a drag-
Juliet: Rom-e-ooo! Stop talking with your manic-depressive little friend there� I want some ~quality~ ti-iiiiime!
(Romeo rolls his eyes, and then his eyes wander to the various women in the room)
Romeo: Why� Titania! I've always wondered what it'd be like to be with a Queen�
(Juliet stomps feet)
Juliet: HMPH!
(Juliet searches room, and brings Mercutio and herself as close to Romeo and Titania as possible)
Juliet: Mercutio� why, did you always know it was YOU I wanted�
(Macbeth enters)
Macbeth: Order, order!
Macduff: Why are YOU leading us, may I ask?
Macbeth: Why, millions of actors are terrified of my name-
Macduff: Yeah, yeah, Macbeth, evil, evil. How many Kings did you need to kill-
Macbeth: MOVING ON! We are here to compose our letters of complaint to William Shakespeare.
Lady Macbeth: I'll start! Let me start, darling! "Dear Willy� WHY on earth didn't you let me kill Mac-ahem, that Scottish Gentleman. I would have made a much better Queen without him-" oh, yet there's a spot! Out, out, demmed spot!
Macbeth: Will someone commit my wife, please?
Romeo: I think she's kind of� hot�
Juliet: Oooooh! Me next! My letter demands, "Please re-write the character of Romeo. He doesn't have any time for mee-eee, and after we sacrificed our lives-"
Opehlia: Oh, like I should care. What about all his OTHER suicidal characters? Like, for instance, myself. Everyone is always, 'Poor little Ophelia, poor little Ophelia�' and I wasn't meant for isanity! I was meant for a nice little romantic comedy� couldn't Ol' Will have written something� say, "Sleepless In Stratford?"
All but Ophelia: ANYTHING BUT THAT!
Macbeth: But the point is, we all find his writing less than satisfactory-and I say we fight.
Cleopatra: Let's do it in the high Roman fashion!
Ceasar: Traitor!
Othello: Want me to strangle her for you-
Titania: ENOUGH! We don't want this to end like a Shakespearean tragedy where everyone winds up dead-
(Horatio clears throat)
Titania: --but the friend.
Hamlet: May� maybe� maybe�
Macbeth: Get on with it!
Hamlet: Well� maybe my Daddy� he could� he could� haunt him�
Various: Splendid!
(Three Witches enter)
Three Witches: What? That's what WE are here for� double, double, toil, and trouble...
Macbeth: Out of here� you� you lying�
First Witch: We did not want to lie-
Second Witch: Rather, we wanted to take Macduff's eye-
Third Witch: Macduff!
(The three witches chase Macduff around stage)
(Soon everyone is bickering again and chasing each-other around the stage)
Juliet: Romeooooo! What does Lady Macbeth have that I don't--
Hamlet: My daddy would have been better than those witches!
Ophelia: What's wrong with Sleepless In Stratford?
Cleopatra: I am not a traitor! Antony is more a man than you'll ever-
Macbeth: Get Macduff! Get him--get him--
Puck: Come now! If we have offended, think it all but mended--
Titania: Don't try it with the insane ones, Puck...
(Horatio takes center-stage)
Horatio: Perhaps it is best,
That half of them end up dead�
The end.
(Curtain falls)
