Dennis T. Baker
The Friendly Spider
I hve a friendly spider
Who lives under the sink
He pops out every morning
And give me a little wink
He then climbs up the cupboard
And crawls down to my lap
And while I read the paper
He takes a little nap
I feed him flies and cornflakes
And he�s getting bigger everyday
If he goes and gets much bigger
I don�t know where he�s going to stay
He looks at me so strangely now
And he�s going off his flies
He keeps nibbling at my fingers
With a strange look in his eyes
He now sits in the corner
He�s to big for my lap
And he makes some very strange noises
So I�m afraid to take my nap
When I awoke this morning
I was all wrapped up real tight
In a lovely silky blanket
But I must admit its tight
Oh my gosh he�s walking over
My you sure got big teeth
If you want your mummy to clean them
You�ll have to release me from this sheath
stop that it tickles �!AAHHhhhhhhhhh
Earache
There's a spider who lives
In a hole in the wall
He creeps out at night
And he wanders the hall
He goes to the window
Then he goes to the floor
Then he creeps in your bedroom
Going under the door
He jumps on your blanket
And climbs up your bed
He crawls up your face
And he sits on your head
He sleeps in your ear
Where its warm and its snug
But at the first light of day
He jumps down on the rug
Then its back to his hole
Till the night comes again
Then its back to your ear
That's what gives you the pain.
When I Was Young
When I was young
I had a pet frog
He was three inches tall
And as bright as a dog
He followed me round
With a hop and a jump
And he�d knock at my door
With a thump, thump, thump
But mum never liked him
He give her a fright
When he hopped on her bed
In the dead of the night
Guess I should have told her
I had a pet frog
Then his life would not have ended
Being flushed down the bog.
The Frog
One day down the canal
Balancing on a log
I chanced to see
a bright green frog
Its eyes was blue
And it looked at me
And then it did a little croak
Saying �You can�t catch me�
So I reached right over
Very careful, and slow
And the log began to wobble
And I thought, OH NO!
Into the water
I went with a splash
Covered head to foot in mud
Boy did I need a wash
As I crawled to the bank
Coughing up snails and bits of weed
There sat the big green frog
I thought, �this is all I need�
He hopped right over
And he looked me in the eye
croaked � I told you so�
Opened his mouth and caught a fly
Then he hopped into the canal
And slowly swam away
And I haven�t seen that frog
From then until today.
Emerald Eyes
With your Emerald Eyes
You look so sweet
you send me into Bliss
I'd give my very Life to you
if I could get one Kiss.
Your bright Red Hair
Flows down your Back
Like a River in full Flood
It sends a tingle through my Heart
And warms my very Blood.
If you would only come to me
and set my soul Aflame
We'd have a stolen night of Love
'My heart is yours to Tame.'
There's Something Underneath My Bed
There's something underneath my bed
It wasn't there last night
When I awoke this morning
It gave me such a fright
As I bent down to get my socks
It looked right back at me
All I saw was two big eyes
It's dark under there you see
I got right down upon my knees
To get a better look
Put my hand under the bed
My first mistake 'to book'
It grabbed my hand
And held on tight
It tried to pull me under
This I was not having
So I pulled back, by thunder
This pull and push
Went on all day
No way would it let go
Then at last I dragged it out
And gave a mighty throw
It hit the wall, and then the door
And ran off down the stairs
The only thing I ever found
Was a big hand full of hairs
Now before I get in bed
Under the bed I'll look
If I ever see another spider like that
I'll flatten him with a book.
The Witch
Upon my Magic Broomstick
I fly all through the night
I work my wicked magic
When people sleep so tight
I slip in through their keyholes
While they are in their Slumber
And put spots upon their Faces
'How I love that little Number'
I turn their Milk to Butter
And I make their Cheese turn Blue
But if you ever tell a Soul
I'm coming after you!
I love to make their dogs bark
As I'm flying down the street
Ho yes!! And put sharp things
On the Bedroom floor
So people hurt their feet
But if you ever tell a Soul
I'm coming after you!
I'll turn you into a big fat Toad
and you'll end up in the Zoo.
An ode to the poor turkey
on this thanksgiving day
he always ran around the yard
he loved to peck and play
then someone got a hold of him
and lobbed off his little head
plucked off all his feathers
and stuffed him full of bread
they put him in the oven
and basted him with fat
then put him on a table
and that's the end of that
Christmas
Christmas time is here again
And Joy is in the air,
We hang her up there every year
Cause Grandma needs her Chair.
All the kids at the Door
Singing songs of cheer,
If the little sods don't clear off
I'll drown them all in Beer!!
The Snow is falling on the Ground,
Its got no place else to go
And little Robin Redbreast
Popped in to say hello.
The Turkey's in the oven
And the Fairy's on the Tree.
The Cat chewed on the Fairy lights,
'He just flew right passed me'
Have a very Happy Christmas.
Drink loads and loads of Beer.
Hope you all have a happy time
And see you all next Year.
Football
Football, football, football
It drives me around the bend
Grown men kick a ball around
And run from end to end
The crowd only go for punch-ups
Then watch it on TV
Well that's the way I see it
But then, I'm only me
Some people seem to love it
They'll sit and watch all day
You'd think they'd like to play it
But ask, they'll say NO WAY!
Give me a game of rugby
Now that's the game to play
The fighting's always on the field
Not in the crowed " hooray"
We have good old singsong
Us welsh we love to sing
And when we beat old England
You can hear the church bells ring
Ode to the Poor Man
Since my baby left me
I feel so sad and blue
I sit round on the sofa
With nothing else to do
The toilet seat stays up
Now shes gone away
I cant find any clean socks
And my shirts are starting to fray
I wish she'd hurry back
Im getting hungry too
The dog he needs feeding
And I think I got the flu
Shes been gone over two hours
And Im running out of beer
If she don't hurry up
Ill have to get my own, I fear
The TV channel needs changing
And I cant find the remote
The fires going out
And Im gonna need my coat
I can hear someone coming
"is that you my dear"
While you're in the kitchen
Can you fetch me in a beer?
The Perfect Man
That man of mine
He's such a lovely fella
Hell even warm my bed
And carry my umbrella
When he gets in before me
My dinners on the table
He'll open doors
And clean the floors
And windows when he's able
When Im feeling sleepy
He'll carry me to bed
Make sure Im tucked up
Nice and warm
With a pillow for my head
And when Im feeling in the mood
Hell make sweet love to me
Then kiss me gently on the cheek
And ask if I want tea
Then every Friday pay day
He hands me all his cash
And says "love, you go shopping
Go and spend some dosh"
Christine
Christine Christine with eyes of Green
The Prettiest girl I've ever Seen
You make my toes curl when you Smile
For you I'd run the Three Minute Mile
I'll come to call on you one Day
And if you Love me I will Stay
Wrapped in your Arms for ever more
Because its you that I Adore
The love we'll have will be Complete
With no one else you can Compete
I'll love you till my dying Day
If you will let me come to Stay
A Woman's Mind
A woman's mind
The mystery
That hides behind
Them eyes
Will us men
Ever understand it?
We got no chance, guys
They always been a mystery
Since god made um from a rib
Now we got no chance at all
Cos they got womans lib
Us poor men are always wrong
We never will be right
We just as well let them get on
We'll never win the fight
they are from another planet
I dont think they came from us
but they do come in handy sometimes
so don't think I'll make a fuss
Good Morning Blues
The good morning blues as got me
I just gota get out of this bed
But the more I try the more I lay
I just can�t raze my head
If I don�t move I�ll miss that train
And the boss
Will give me so much pain
Dang it, it�s just started to rain
I just gota get out of this bed
Oh the pain
But its so warm and cosy here
Snuggled up nibbling my wife�s ear
Dang that alarm it�s woke my wife
'I�m getting up now light of my life'
One Wish
If I could have one wish
I'd put a red rose in your hair
Then I'd ask you for a dace
And we'd waltz without a care
Around and around we'd go
Swaying to and fro
Two lovers in the moonlight
But only we would know
You'd look a pretty picture
In your blue dress
Trimmed with gold
I'd wrap my coat around you
As the evening grew cold
When the music stopped
We'd sit under the moon
I'd tell you tales
To make you swoon
Then I'd catch you in my arms
and hold you oh so tight
I'd hug you and kiss you
and we'd make sweet love all night
Upside Down Gold Fish
Poor upside down goldfish
Laying there in your bowl
Your fins are all tattered
He has broken your soul
Once oh so pretty
With fins like cut glass
You swam round the tank
And your skin shone like brass
Now upside in your bowl
You lay still
A big bully goldfish
Has broken your will
He worked on your fins
Till they were tattered and torn
You were such a beauty
And for you I do mourn
Now that bully goldfish
Won't be dancing with glee
Cos come tomorrow morning
Cat food he'll be!