The Audit
LRuth

Spoilers: FTF, assorted fanfic

Disclaimers : The characters of course belong to Chris Carter, except for the IRS agent Mr. Jass, whose name belongs to HugeTricia.

Rating : G-rating, completely harmless.
Feedback : [email protected] 

Internal Revenue Service
7999 Southwest Freeway
Houston, Texas 77036
Re: 444556666

August 14, 2000

FOX W MULDER 444335555
DANA K SCULLY 555446666
43 Grotto Street
Houston TX 77008

This is your notice that an audit of your 1999 tax return is scheduled for 2:00 p.m. on September 12, 2000 at the IRS office at the address above. Listed below are the items in question. Be prepared to offer documentation for the items listed. If you do not wish to contest these items, file an amended tax return (form 1040X) to reflect the changes and bring the amended return to the audit.

Items in question:

1 Change in address
2 Change in filing status
3 Dependant name or SS number does not match Social Security file
4 Schedule C business loss
5 Capital loss items
6 Schedule E rental property loss
7 Moving expenses
8 Gambling income and losses
9 Child care expenses
10 Casualties and thefts loss
11 Itemized expenses - medical expenses
12 Itemized expenses - gifts to charity
13 Itemized expenses - unreimbursed employee expenses
14 Office in home expense
15 No 1998 tax return filed for SS #444335555 with balance outstanding

Sincerely,

Hubert A. Jass
Internal Revenue Service
Houston TX 77036
713-555-2222

The attractive couple stood close together in the hallway. He bent down to speak softly to her, as she clutched a large tan envelope.

"Got everything, Scully? It's almost time." Mulder offered Scully a tentative smile.

"I hope so, Mulder. I'm not sure exactly what they are questioning. I didn't see any mistakes." She checked her watch. "I guess we better go in."

Entering the outer office, they were greeted by a perky young receptionist, who directed them to have a seat on the creaky vinyl sofa. Scully carefully sat next to Mulder, who had already sprawled at one end. After a few minutes, an inner door opened and a middle-aged couple came out. The woman was sniffing and dabbing her eyes with a tissue. Scully and Mulder exchanged concerned glances. Mulder leaned over. "Hey, Scully, is it too late to bail out?"

A young balding man came out into the reception area. "Maybelle, get me the file on the Mulders." He looked up at the couple on the sofa. "Are y'all Mr. Mulder and Ms. Scully? Hi, I'm Hugh Jass. Come right in."

They followed him into a sparsely furnished inner office. Two saggy chairs faced a standard government-issue desk with a computer on a side table. Mr. Jass indicated that they should sit as Maybelle brought in a thick file folder.

"Well, well, we don't get many agents from the F B of I in this office. Who did you piss off, anyway?" He grinned at his own joke. Mulder and Scully exchanged glances.

"Mr. Jass, I've brought evidence to support our tax return. What should we do first?" Scully began to take papers out of her envelope.

"Wait just a minute, little lady. Let me ask the questions, and you can provide the answers." Mr. Jass opened the file folder.

Mulder sat up at the "little lady." This was going to be interesting! He leaned forward and watched as Scully began a slow burn. Her trim body was as taut as a spring. Mulder reached into his pocket for a sunflower seed. As Scully glanced at him, he quickly put the seed back and grinned at her.

"Okay, let's see what we have here. Let's start with the basics. Ordinarily, a little thing like an address change isn't questioned, but with all the other problems with this return, we will begin with the beginning. I see both of you have changed your address from your last returns. I guess at the same time, we might as well discuss the change in your filing status. Looks like you had a busy year. Who wants to go first?" He looked up at Scully.

Scully shifted in her chair. "Well, that's an easy one. We were both transferred to Houston at the beginning of 1999, and we got married not long after. I have the marriage certificate right here." She offered an official looking document. The agent took the certificate, and made some notations on his file.

Content to let his wife handle the grunt work, Mulder leaned back in his chair. He began to think about his "busy year." After a final confrontation, he had asked for a transfer, and had been granted one to Houston, certainly a change from Washington DC. Shortly afterward, Scully joined him and requested a reinstatement of her position with a transfer to Houston, which surprisingly enough was quickly granted. After selling her house in Virginia, Scully had found a perfect house in the Heights area of Houston. They took a quick trip back to Maryland for a small but elegant wedding, and spent a weekend in New Orleans before heading back to Houston. And, on the way, a stop at the gambling casino in Lake Charles . . .

"Mulder!" He jumped as Scully called his name. "Mr. Jass asked you a question."

"I'm sorry, I was thinking. What did you ask?"

"Mr. Mulder, can you explain the lack of an income tax return for you for 1998?" Mr. Jass scowled as Mulder pawed through the papers in Scully's envelope.

"No, sir, I can't explain that because I did file a return. I have a copy of it right here." Mulder pulled out some papers, then stared in horror as he realized he was holding a sealed envelope addressed to the IRS. "Uh, well, maybe I didn't file a return, but I did fill one out." He gave Mr. Jass a sheepish grin as he handed him the envelope.

Mr. Jass opened the envelope and shook out the contents. A check fluttered out along with the tax return. "Well, Mr. Mulder, I think I'll just give you back this check, and you can write us another one that includes the penalties and interest that will be charged. We will get to that later. Excuse me while I get some other papers I need."

As soon as he left the room, Scully turned to Mulder. "Mulder, didn't you notice that check hadn't been cashed? How could you miss something like that?" She cocked an eyebrow at him.

"Scully, if I had noticed, do you think I wouldn't have checked on it? You know how bad I am with checking accounts. Isn't that why you take care of our joint account?" Mulder pouted as he slid down in the chair.

Mr. Jass came back into the room, shuffling some papers. "Okay, let's get on with the next item. You seemed to have acquired three children this year, but there is a problem with one dependent. Carter and Dejah check out okay, but Gibson's name doesn't match with Social Security records. Care to explain?"

Scully pulled out three Social Security cards. Handing them to Mr. Jass, she said, "These are the cards for our children. Carter and Dejah were born in October, and we adopted Gibson in March."

Mulder grinned as he thought on that simple statement. Shortly after Scully came to Houston, even before they were married, they had decided that they wanted to try to have a baby. Contacting the Lombard Research Facility, they made arrangements to acquire Scully's remaining ova, and found a gynecologist who would conduct the procedure. About the same time, they found out that the parents of Gibson Praise had been killed in a car accident. Scully insisted on taking the 12-year-old under her wing. She tested positive for pregnancy in February, and in March they were given a rush approval to adopt Gibson . . .

"Mulder, are you with us?" Scully and Jass were staring at him. "Mulder, I forgot to have Gibson's name changed at the Social Security office."

"Oh, damn, Scully, I didn't think of that either. Is that a big problem?" Mulder sat up and adjusted his tie.

"Not really, Mr. Mulder, but we do have to report his last name as Praise on this year's return. The change needs to be made as soon as possible." Mr. Jass made another notation on his files. "Okay, let's talk about this Schedule C, Mr. Mulder. There are a lot of expenses shown for this business. Can you explain these expenses? I see you have income as an author.

Scully sat back and listened as Mulder pulled out receipt after receipt. She smiled as Mulder tried to explain why he bought pencils by the gross. How many times had she come home to find dozens of pencils stuck in the acoustical ceiling they had installed in his office? It was a way for him to concentrate and think, and she had agreed to overlook that particular decorating theme. She still couldn't believe how much her life had changed since the day she walked out of Kersch's office and handed in her resignation in order to be with Mulder. The months living with Mulder before he finally asked for a transfer, selling her house, moving to Houston, making the decision to try for a baby, planning a wedding, buying another house, adopting Gibson . . .

"Scully, what do you think?" Mulder was waving a receipt in front of her. "Is this for the writer's convention or the FBI seminar?"

She took the receipt from him. "Hmm, I think this is the FBI seminar. I didn't go to this one because I wasn't feeling well, and Gibson had that school project . . ."

"Okay, Mr. Mulder, we have to disallow that amount from the business expenses. Let me just make this correction." Jass scribbled some more numbers on the file. "All right, now let's see about this Capital Loss on your Schedule D.

"No problem, here's the statement from Merrill Lynch. We sold a big chunk of stocks to make a down payment on the house. Most of it was long term." Mulder pulled out a thick packet.

Jass took the packet. Humming softly, he began to read the forms. "Hmm, Exxon, IBM, Mary Kay, Monsanto, Gateway. This is an impressive folder. Mr. Mulder, this looks fine except for one thing. You are showing a large loss in this Monsanto stock. Can you prove the basis of this stock?"

"I'm ready for you on that one, Mr. Jass. That particular stock was inherited from my grandfather, and my basis is what he paid for the stock. Unfortunately, when I sold the stock, the price was down, so it shows as a loss." Mulder passed over another piece of paper.

Jass tapped his pencil on the desk. He sighed. "Okay, Mr. Mulder, you win on this one. I'll allow this to stand."

Mulder and Scully shared a smile. The sale of that particular investment had been a difficult decision to make, but it had covered most of the down payment on their house.

Mr. Jass stood up. "Let's take a break. I need to cancel a later appointment, and there is a break room down the hall with a coffeepot and a vending machine. What do you say, maybe 15 minutes?"

Mulder and Scully stood up in relief. Taking a break at that point sounded like a really good idea.

"Scully do you think all the break rooms in government buildings look alike?" Mulder asked as they approached the door. He eyed the door warily as Scully walked past him. "Scully, you're buying this time, and I think I will stand right here and hold the door open, okay?"

Scully smiled. "Okay Mr. Macho Man, I will handle the vending machine." She glanced at Mulder leaning against the door. The last time they had visited a vending machine room, the building had blown up. "What do you want - Coke, Pepsi, Dr Pepper? There's HoHos here - shall I get some?

They stood in the hall and sipped at their Cokes. Several people passed them, most turning to look at the handsome couple. Scully's auburn hair was a perfect accent for her classic forest green suit. Her tiny figure was even better than it had been before the twins were born. She was a bright splash of color against Mulder's dark good looks and black Armani suit. Mulder smiled down at her, thinking how lucky he was that she put up with him.

"How are we doing so far, Mulder?" Scully turned to him with a concerned frown. "I wonder how bad the penalties will be for your 1998 return."

Mulder shook his head. "I don't know, Scully. I really blew it on that one. I should have let you take care of it for me."

"Well, I hate to say it, but . . . "

"Never mind, Scully. Let's go back and face the music." Disposing of their empty soda cans, Mulder reached out for his wife's hand. Her touch was always soothing to him.

As they entered the outer office, Maybelle waved them inside. "Mr. Jass is waiting for you."

He was shuffling through some papers as they entered.

"Okay, I think we are ready to talk about this rental property. You are stating that you bought this condo in Galveston, but didn't use it for personal use for more than 14 days in 1999? Really?"

"That's true, Mr. Jass, " said Scully. "When we purchased the condo, we intended to use it for a vacation home, but due to my pregnancy, it was impractical at that time, so we decided to rent it out instead."

"This shows a large amount of money spent for repairs and remodeling, Dana . . . may I call you Dana? And, of course, you can call me Hugh."

Scully gave Mr. Jass an icy stare. "Here are the receipts for the repairs, Mr. Jass. And you may call me Dr. Scully."

Mulder choked back a chuckle. Woo hoo, go Scully! No one took familiarities with his Scully unless she invited them! He never even called her Dana except in times of injury, illness, or during lovemaking. And not always even then! His eyes wandered to the nameplate on Mr. Jass' desk. "Hugh Jass, Assistant Senior Auditor." Hugh Jass, huge ass . . .

Dana was still giving receipts to Mr. Jass when she heard a strange sound. She turned and looked at Mulder, who was sputtering and turning blue. Oh my God, she thought, he's choked on one of those damn sunflower seeds. She jumped up, spilling papers all over the floor.

"Mulder, are you okay?" She rushed over to him, as he waved her back and let out a loud whoop of laughter. She stared at him in astonishment, as he stood up, still giggling and choking.

"Water, Scully, I need a drink of water," he sputtered and laughed.

"Excuse us, Mr. Jass. We'll be right back." She guided Mulder from the room.

"It's okay, Dr. Scully. Some people react to stress with humor," said Mr. Jass, wide-eyed as he watched Mulder and Scully leave the room.

As they reached the water fountain, and Mulder downed a large gulp, Scully turned to him. "What is going on with you, you are acting bizarre?"

"Scully, I couldn't help it. Did you look at his name? Hugh Jass . . . don't you get it? Huge Ass?"

She stared at him for a minute, then slowly started to smile. "Thanks, Mulder, now how am I going to face him for the rest of this audit. As a matter of fact, you are up next. I will sit in the corner and giggle for you."

Mulder grinned at the thought of Scully giggling in public. He couldn't even remember the last time that had happened!

Entering the office once more, he was careful not to catch Scully's eye. He knew that if he did, he would start laughing again.

Scully sat back and listened to Mulder as he pulled out receipts proving their moving expenses and how he could have so many guns taken away from him. Then he had to explain the income and expenses from the side trip to the gambling casino . . .

That was an experience she would never forget. At first, she had been reluctant to stop at the casino on their way back to Houston after the wedding. Mulder was so interested in the workings, she just couldn't tell him no. But when she pulled the handle on the slot machine, and all those quarters started pouring out, she was shocked and delighted! She had won over $3,000 with just a small investment. Scully had wanted to try again, but a laughing Mulder insisted that she stop while she was ahead . . .

"Scully?" Mulder was speaking to her. "Mr. . . . ahem . . . Jass, wants to ask you about childcare expenses."

She moved her chair closer and began to explain the expenses. After that, he asked about the medical expenses.

"Well, you see, this was a special procedure, and it wasn't covered under our insurance." Scully looked pointedly at Mulder, who was bursting to tell Mr. Jass all about government conspiracies and procedures performed on less-than-volunteer subjects. "It's all documented in these papers."

After what seemed like hours, Mr. Jass was almost satisfied. "There's just one more item in question, Mr. Mulder. I refer to your deduction for unreimbursed employee expenses. The item in question is the rental of an IceCat Tractor in the amount of $6500. Can you explain this expense?"

Mulder launched into a description of the rescue of Scully, complete with aliens, snow, CancerMan, trips across the world, and subsequent denial by the FBI of the expense voucher for the rental. Scully just sat back and listened, knowing she was not going to be able to keep Mulder from telling his tale. She was just relieved that he didn't ask for two-part harmony in the telling.

It must have worked, though, because Mr. Jass was so dumbfounded and confused by the end that he didn't ask another question. They wrote checks for the difference on their return, and Mulder's return of the previous year, shook Mr. Jass' hand, and quickly left the building.

Scully sighed as she blinked in the sunlight. "Mulder, next year we take this tax business to H & R Block!"

He was bent over, picking something up off the floor outside the door. "Scully, I don't think it will matter. Something tells me we will be audited every year for the rest of our lives." He showed her a still smoldering Morley cigarette . . .

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