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The aftermath of love
image by anita pattison
Just as is says this section looks at feelings that follow the end of love. There is a lot of disillusionment in that process.
| So slay me | Out of mind | I still believe in that |
| That acid child | Just because | Gone flying |
| Brutal but beautiful | Waiting for you | The leaving |
Those who live by the sword
Die by the sword and are reborn.
Slay me, strip me of outmoded being,
All the lies that I believed in.
Make me new to the world.
The pain of it is terrible,
The joy of it incredible,
I almost can’t bare it.
Before I stared into nothingness,
Now something new adjusts
I see the world inverted.
Where I was arrogant I am humbled,
Where I was high I have tumbled.
Looking up I see you looking down at me
With infinite tenderness,
So slay me.
I submit to it willingly.
I have lived by the sword
Give me life with it now.
Out of sight, out of mind.
I thought that I could make you mine
Instead I find
That it is more complex.
I don’t know what to do next.
I am caught dangling upside down
With a smile for a frown,
I see your face all over town
Still there is no answer.
Please, please talk to me,
Nothing was made worse by talking.
Even in fury even in rage
We have to say what we have to say.
I know you can’t give me answers,
I’m not here to exact punishment.
There was no slight,
Only a questioning of self,
Now we are both becoming someone else.
I don’t want to be bitter.
You may expect logic,
I may expect emotion,
But we both swim in the same ocean.
I’m trying, I’m trying
This living and dying,
This resigning to fate.
Is it really to late?
What do you see in me?
I can’t believe it could be so bad.
I went simply in trust.
Now I grieve,
In happiness and sadness
You are right next to me.
There are unspoken words
That you refuse to hear,
Youth innocence, truth and regret
Laments I haven’t buried yet.
I cherished the dream of love,
I can’t deny it or be blind to it.
It was always going to be someone.
Now I have to carry on.
I’ve been lonely,
Nobody would look at me.
You looked at me,
I thought you saw something good,
I saw the goodness in you,
The possibilities of the future:
Brother, lover, father, son
They will have their times in the sun.
I know you didn’t mean to wound,
That there were simply no words,
That when we walk undaunted into new worlds
We are sometimes not as strong as we thought.
I believe that neither of us is bad
Something in you touched me and I still believe in that
Could I describe what it does to me?
I feel the pain completely
It sings in me,
It sits in my belly,
The babe of cancer
That acid child alive, alive.
I sing it up, sound pure, clear and sharp
So full of fear and doubt.
I waver, I tremble,
I sink to my knees
Pleading please, please, please… love me.
If you could just hold me
Then the world would be safe.
I lost someone and in their place
I put your face.
I cry, I lie, I storm and rage
But beneath that is the frailest heart,
The softest soul,
Begging please just hold,
Just hold me.
Don’t leave me here alone.
It kicks like a child
That will never be born,
A still born dream
I am forlorn.
I would give almost anything
To know that you are alright.
Not to meet your eyes,
Not to touch your hair,
Not to speak a word,
To pretend you aren’t there.
Not to touch your nose,
Not to take your hand,
Not to say … I like you
How could I?
I could because I can,
I could because I have loved.
Not because it’s you
Just as a human being,
Just because I know that feeling
Of being lost and in pain.
My impulse is to comfort,
To hold and rock and sing,
To bring you back,
But I can’t.
These aren’t the gestures you want
Or words you will hear,
Because I was angry,
Because I brought you tears.
The pain sears me.
I wear a mask, I laugh
But beneath that I know
The deepest sorrow,
I long to see you smile tomorrow.
Break, break, break.
I am rigid I can’t bend
So I pretend.
In my pretence I am strong
Sing, sing, sing,
It won’t be long
When the morning comes,
I will laugh with glee like a child.
My mind turns on childish things
Because I can’t bear it
I sing, sing, sing;
Where did you go, where did you go
I don’t know, where did you go?
My memory shatters,
Faces, names, places of shame,
I slide backwards,
A time traveler
I see a slide show.
I cast my runes,
I read the bones,
I am alone
In a world of significant fragments.
Why can’t I remember?
By nightfall I am lost
Gone flying on a Ferris Wheel.
You wonder why I can’t be civilized?
By then I am a child,
Pushing the red button
Just to see what happens,
To have any interaction
Because joy is love and pain is love
It makes no difference which is good.
To take what is brutal
And make something beautiful
Is the only comfort I have.
I keep looking back
To a brighter bolder past.
Right now I am in the middle
Of a boiling cauldron of indecision,
Still envisioning mad futures,
Seeking to suture the widening wound
Or tutor my mind in the ways of forgiveness.
The last defence is passive resistance,
So I draw pictures and write poems,
Talk to you when I am alone.
Sometimes I don’t know
Anything except that shadow
Looming over my life.
Its edges are imprecise
The sun is rising behind it,
Just beginning to crest the edge,
But still not giving a way to see,
A way to believe
That it is all right,
That I can come back into the light.
Did I mention this or that?
I think back
I wonder, I think too much.
All I really wanted was to touch
Such curiosity,
Such curious feelings,
So indefinable, yet so revealing,
Now so confining
That I am still inside them
Struggling to breath.
I burn with longing.
Please don’t go forever,
I couldn’t believe
That you would leave forever.
My memories are like transparencies,
You slide between the leaves
Becoming more and more for me.
I see you reflecting every grief I’ve known.
I don’t want to be left alone,
Not while I remember your smile.
Why so surprised?
Why so sad and full of embarrassment?
Why so silent and afraid?
What cant be said?
What can’t you say?
I still care, I’m still here,
You look but you see straight through.
I’m so blue, so still and wild,
So wide eyed with surprise
To find this different truth inside.
Yet one reality makes the other
They exist in tandem
Nothing happens randomly.
I feel so much now
That I couldn’t touch before.
You have gone now, gone away
Because of what can’t be said or I can’t say.
You are lingering like an obsession,
On the edge of my mind but not sharing time,
I still wish you where mine.
Your face is clear and unfading,
I hear traces of you voice gently persuading…
I made a choice to let you go but your spirit is still here,
I sense you pervading the air.
So now I must release even your ghost,
Step back, take your place with the memories
Yearning will not imprison me.
I can see that this can’t be,
So fly away ghost.
Take your rest in some else’s arms
Let me free of your charm.