As a place to start and a way to begin let's start with the what this blog is not.   This blog is not where I will document suicide attempts or such nonsense, it is however, a personal place for me to explore some of my darker thoughts and explore my faith, strength, convictions and self.  This blog is not one that I choose to share with anyone, so if you know me and are reading this please let me know so I can fix that.  What I will write about here could be found too disturbing for someone who knows me.  While I don't think I am psychotic or crazy, or maybe I am and perhaps I will learn that I am, it would be best, regardless, if you didn't know.  

I plan to start all my blog entries in a similar format so that one won't necessarily need to read all entries unless you want to.  The first few lines will roughly outline a thought which will be the topic for further evaluation.  Hopefully I'm not having to post more than one a day.  I do believe and think it will help me to just explore these thoughts.  I welcome any and all comments as that may help me to feel like I'm not alone.  Here is today's thought.

Even with people around I still feel alone.  Why is that?

It is not a feeling that no one understands all though I get that feeling enough at other times.  It is simply a position wherein I feel like I am alone.  Alone  in the decisions I make, regardless of the number of people it will affect.  Alone in making ends meet even though I know my wife would be more than willing to do anything I ask to help out.  Alone in the belief that I am the only one whom struggles and seeks out answers that are not forthcoming.

When we as human beings come across something that is challenging or a struggle that we have yet to overcome we automatically tackle it as if we are the first people in the world to have this problem.  In reality I doubt this is true in all but the rarest of circumstances.  The problems I face of course no one else has seen.  Yeah right.  That is the case in point of the typical mindset.  No one is like me, therefore no one could possibly know what I am going through, therefore I AM ALONE.  No that is just plainly put not true.  While I was asking myself this question today I blindly could not see why it just felt wrong.  It is simply that the logic and rational I used to console my self in feeling bad was flawed and one sided.  Only when I can stand back and take a second look can I see the problem.  In this case it was simple.  I am not alone in what I do, have done, or face.  Someone else, somewhere has been in a situation similar if not exactly the same.  Who, I have no idea, how or did they over come it, again I don't know.  All I know is that there is never a simple answer to anything. 

While I feel alone in what I am facing, possible unemployment for the second time in a year timespan, debt, and medical problems that I just don't have time to pursue, I am not alone.  I have a wonderful wife that will be with me every step of the way.  I have a great friend that would bend over backward to help.  I have this blog, to face what I am going through without fear of judgment or condemnation.  While as a person each of us is usually intelligent it is public opinion that is a little less kind.  It is public opinion that closes doors as soon as they open.

You may wonder why I choose to write anonymously, but consider what people in my life would think if I tried to tell them even this one thing I share with all of you.  They would be convinced that I need professional help, and maybe I do.  All I know is that I need time to explore my own feelings, emotions, and thoughts before someone else gets to them and tries to change them to what they see.  Everyone will do this.  It is within everyones nature to take something that someone shares and try to 'fix it' even when there is nothing to fix.  I know I'm guilty as all can be and to my wife I am sooooo sorrrrry.  We don't, as individuals like to see anyone we know go through periods of self doubt, perhaps even a little depression, and will therefor try to fix it.  Nothing is broke it just is life.

As this blog so represents the beauty of sunset before the darkest of night, sleep well my friends until we are again in the beauty of the suns light.