...wrote it and forgot to upload it again. Hmpf. Guess I'm getting old. But the damn freshmen are occupying the computers all day long, I couldn't even do the stuff I really needed to. =P Anyway, still busy, so don't expect too much in the near future.

I'm busy, busy, busy. That's why I blogged, put the stuff on a disc - and never uploaded it at college. Hmpf. Anyway, here is the old stuff...

Why do I always get on the trains with the weirdos on? No matter which train I take, I'm surrounded by mentally retarded idiots or screaming infants. I'm sorry, but it really is like this. So today it was first a bunch of school kids who thought they were oh so smart and funny when in reality I was tempted to just knowck them out precautiously, cuz they were annoying as hell - and neither smart nor funny. And then it was a bunch ob pubertarian guys who were playing on their laptops behind me - which wouldn't have been a problem at all, if they wouldn't have had this annoying beeping-sound everytime one hit the other - which was like every 10 seconds for like three quarters of an hour. I could've strangled them and shoved their damn laptops up their asses. And then it was a baby who thought screaming from Hannover until after G�ttingen (which was like 3/4 of an hour, too) was the right thing to do - of course without a break. =P

Argued with the cable company again, still noone showed up yet. They still think my tv not working is my fault, not theirs. I'm short of shoving up my contract their asses, too. If they start wanting money from me this week, I'm really gonna freak.

Someone rescue me. It's getting worse here every day. So now I got a construction site right under my window. Our garden is gone completely, it's all muddy now. They started at like 7am this morning and they're damn loud. Everything was shaking inside, my cd player couldn't eben play a cd cuz the vibration was too much. Then I did the dishes and didn't see that the sink wasn't properly sealed and so the water went all through and into the drawers below, soaking my groceries. So I could throw away half of the stuff and spent like 2 hours trying to mop up all the water. I actually planned to go home next weekend, but then I got into a fight with my mom on the phone (nothing new here) and so I guess I gotta rethink that. She's honestly the most unreliable person on the face of earth and doesn't even see it. And when you tell her she's all like "I'm not! You're always imputing stuff that's not true!" No, of course not. So that's the reason why she still didn't get my pictures, why she hasn't remitted the money she said she would (I said I'll do it myself, but noooo, "I'll do it, don't worry about it") - because she's so reliable. I hate unreliable people to death. I'll go take a bath, trying to get rid of all the shit that happened today. =P

So I'm back in L. and hate it. So nothing new here. The first week of college was actually quite fun. Took an International PR course and our teacher was the nicest guy ever. Brought along candy for us all week and listened to our whining about L. ;o) Plus it was all in English and it was really interesting, too. Wish we could have teachers like him all year. But no, we have the silly ones. Which means we get thrown out of courses all week, because "we aren't ready for them" - yeah, right. It's because they don't want us to finish up earlier, that's all. I have like 3 courses all week, which means I'm gonna be bored as hell all week. And I can't go home each week, cuz it's too expensive. =P And what's the worst thing about it is that my TV doesn't work and I have to fight with the cable people all week. I'm watching dvds and videos all week, cuz there's not a single real program to watch. =/ I hope they'll get this fixed soon. I'm dying here without my tv.

I still haven't gotten my Barcelona pix. I tell you, if the damn photo shop lost them I'll kill them. I'll put some up anyway that Sonja took, just so y'all can get an impression if you're interested.

K, gotta go. I hate it that I don't have internet at home anymore, it's kinda complicated to get tall the stuff to college and do everything from there. I really need a USB stick. =P

Yeah, I know, I haven't blogged in ages, but I've been really busy. Just came back from Spain on Sunday and I'm only home for one more week before I have to go back to L. =P Yippie. Just wanted to let y'all know I'm still alive, I could blog about my vacation, but actually I don't really remember what happened before I went to Spain and when I start blogging about Spain you'll never hear the end of it, so I won't. =) But I'll probably put some pictures up as soon as I have them. I'll try to blog more regularly when school starts up again, k?

I have a shitload of stuff to do and I'm not doing it. And why? Cuz I'm too damn lazy. Since I don't have to work anymore I've turned into the laziest human being around. Even getting up in the morning (...noon...) has become kind of an effort. And I guess my brain's asleep most of the day, too. Takes me twice as long as usual before the famous little light bulb starts blinking in my head (I guess lately nobody would believe I'm studying - or the average I have - not even me). =P

Anyway, got my new cellphone last week and it worked exactly 6 days and then it booted constantly. Got new software, so it's working now, but I hope it'll really stays this way. But it was kinda irritating, since I really spent weeks trying to pick out the right one and then it's pretty much broken not even a week after I got it =P

Bought 4-wheelers (y know, the good old roller skates) this week, since I don't exactly fit in inliners. And now? I have some, Sonja and Patricia "can't decide". No, scratch that, Sonja hasn't even looked yet, but Patricia's obviously waiting for God to send down cheap ones that exactly fit her expectations. I've been to at least 10 shops with her and she always found something she didn't like. Ugh. I already see it coming, I'll be gone in a few weeks and I probably haven't used the skates once until then, cuz the others never bought any. Even though I was the one who actually didn't wanna buy any...

Got the course plan for next semester yesterday. Not what I hoped for I guess. Most stuff I wanna so lies parallel, so I can scratch half of it and most stuff is late in the afternoon, so I'll probably sit around there until 6pm most days. Well, let's see how it's going to work out. Maybe there'll be some changes. Got a mandatory English course this semester (hey, someone must have read my thoughts) - and it ends with an oral exam. Gulp. Oral? Do I have to? That's the only bad part about it. It's not like I think I wouldn't pass it, it's just that I'm scared shitless of oral exams anyway, and then it has to be in English? Not my kind of funny. =/

Didn't get a greencard again this year. And ya know what troubled me most about that? That they don't have their cute little postcards anymore. =( You always got these funny postcards when you didn't win, so losing was always worth it, and now they only send you a stupid letter. =P Won't be applying again for a few years, I don't really feel like living in the US anymore at the moment. Go and don't re-elect Bush again and I might think about it again ;o)

New weeklies are up, so go check them out!

Ugh, I feel sick. And tired. Had our girls' night yesterday and I guess I ate too much and got too little sleep. Have the feeling I could fall asleep any second =P We had actually planned a DVD night tonight, but I guess I gotta cancel. I won't even stay awake through the first movie I fear. =/

Internship's over, got a coffee mug "to remember them"...uuum...thanks...lol ;o) Well, actually it was a sweet gesture =) But yesterday was crazy. Now I'm really not superstitious, but it was a real Friday, 13th. Came in for work late, forgot that I had a meeting at 10 (thought it was at 11), slammed the camera into my car so all the batteries fell out and I had to search them under my car seat and all, at the photo shoot the batteries were empty, so no pictures, I didn't have any prepared questions for the press meeting (very embarrassing), stood in the rain for like 3 times that day without jacket or umbrella, had to drive to a triple-accident where the camera had only pictures left for one of the cars...ugh. Really wasn't a funny last day.

Went to the hairdresser this week and well...let's say that girl really has to learn how to cut hair. She loved her own work so much, she kept telling me stuff like "Oh, it looks so much better than before" - and nope, it doesn't. At all. Should never have gone there. Never listen to other people who tell you how great a hairdresser is. Big no-no. I just hope it'll grow fast.

And I'm starting to ask myself why the heck I lived in the US when now I forgot 40% of my English again and I have inhibitions to talk the language. Our pub has a new waiter from Ireland, and his German's still really bad, he mostly only understand the different types of drinks and numbers, so he keeps asking people to repeat what they said in English when he didn't understand them. Do you think I spoke a work of English to him yet? Nope. Of course not. And it's not even like he's intimitading or something, he's a really nice guy. Hmpf. Guess the US-year was kinda in vain. Need to live abroad again I guess.

Only one more week, thank God, I just don't understand why they want me to do so much stuff in my last week. =P I just wanted to take it easy, but I guess they won't let me. No fair.

Went out a lot this week. And it's actually really cool to know you can go out whenever you want and there's always someone around who'll join you. I'll miss that in L. Went to a beach party with Patricia and Sonja yesterday and well...we could've skipped that. They didn't even have any sand, the djs only seemed to have like 3 CDs judging from the music they were playing and I didn't really know anyone. Well, I knew people by name and all, but not so well that I would've talked to them. So it was kinda lame. Well, at least it was for free.

Nothing really worth blogging about happened this week, though. I think (my memory's not been the best lately). Just boring work (should've quit a week ago). Patricia, Sonja and I decided to buy inline skates this week. Hoping that when we buy them together that we'll go skating together, too. Let's see if that really works out. I for my part still doubt it =)

I have a shitload of stuff to do and I'm not doing it. And why? Cuz I'm too damn lazy. Since I don't have to work anymore I've turned into the laziest human being around. Even getting up in the morning (...noon...) has become kind of an effort. And I guess my brain's asleep most of the day, too. Takes me twice as long as usual before the famous little light bulb starts blinking in my head (I guess lately nobody would believe I'm studying - or the average I have - not even me). =P

Anyway, got my new cellphone last week and it worked exactly 6 days and then it booted constantly. Got new software, so it's working now, but I hope it'll really stays this way. But it was kinda irritating, since I really spent weeks trying to pick out the right one and then it's pretty much broken not even a week after I got it =P

Bought 4-wheelers (y know, the good old roller skates) this week, since I don't exactly fit in inliners. And now? I have some, Sonja and Patricia "can't decide". No, scratch that, Sonja hasn't even looked yet, but Patricia's obviously waiting for God to send down cheap ones that exactly fit her expectations. I've been to at least 10 shops with her and she always found something she didn't like. Ugh. I already see it coming, I'll be gone in a few weeks and I probably haven't used the skates once until then, cuz the others never bought any. Even though I was the one who actually didn't wanna buy any...

Got the course plan for next semester yesterday. Not what I hoped for I guess. Most stuff I wanna so lies parallel, so I can scratch half of it and most stuff is late in the afternoon, so I'll probably sit around there until 6pm most days. Well, let's see how it's going to work out. Maybe there'll be some changes. Got a mandatory English course this semester (hey, someone must have read my thoughts) - and it ends with an oral exam. Gulp. Oral? Do I have to? That's the only bad part about it. It's not like I think I wouldn't pass it, it's just that I'm scared shitless of oral exams anyway, and then it has to be in English? Not my kind of funny. =/

Didn't get a greencard again this year. And ya know what troubled me most about that? That they don't have their cute little postcards anymore. =( You always got these funny postcards when you didn't win, so losing was always worth it, and now they only send you a stupid letter. =P Won't be applying again for a few years, I don't really feel like living in the US anymore at the moment. Go and don't re-elect Bush again and I might think about it again ;o)

New weeklies are up, so go check them out!

Ugh, I feel sick. And tired. Had our girls' night yesterday and I guess I ate too much and got too little sleep. Have the feeling I could fall asleep any second =P We had actually planned a DVD night tonight, but I guess I gotta cancel. I won't even stay awake through the first movie I fear. =/

Internship's over, got a coffee mug "to remember them"...uuum...thanks...lol ;o) Well, actually it was a sweet gesture =) But yesterday was crazy. Now I'm really not superstitious, but it was a real Friday, 13th. Came in for work late, forgot that I had a meeting at 10 (thought it was at 11), slammed the camera into my car so all the batteries fell out and I had to search them under my car seat and all, at the photo shoot the batteries were empty, so no pictures, I didn't have any prepared questions for the press meeting (very embarrassing), stood in the rain for like 3 times that day without jacket or umbrella, had to drive to a triple-accident where the camera had only pictures left for one of the cars...ugh. Really wasn't a funny last day.

Went to the hairdresser this week and well...let's say that girl really has to learn how to cut hair. She loved her own work so much, she kept telling me stuff like "Oh, it looks so much better than before" - and nope, it doesn't. At all. Should never have gone there. Never listen to other people who tell you how great a hairdresser is. Big no-no. I just hope it'll grow fast.

And I'm starting to ask myself why the heck I lived in the US when now I forgot 40% of my English again and I have inhibitions to talk the language. Our pub has a new waiter from Ireland, and his German's still really bad, he mostly only understand the different types of drinks and numbers, so he keeps asking people to repeat what they said in English when he didn't understand them. Do you think I spoke a work of English to him yet? Nope. Of course not. And it's not even like he's intimitading or something, he's a really nice guy. Hmpf. Guess the US-year was kinda in vain. Need to live abroad again I guess.

Only one more week, thank God, I just don't understand why they want me to do so much stuff in my last week. =P I just wanted to take it easy, but I guess they won't let me. No fair.

Went out a lot this week. And it's actually really cool to know you can go out whenever you want and there's always someone around who'll join you. I'll miss that in L. Went to a beach party with Patricia and Sonja yesterday and well...we could've skipped that. They didn't even have any sand, the djs only seemed to have like 3 CDs judging from the music they were playing and I didn't really know anyone. Well, I knew people by name and all, but not so well that I would've talked to them. So it was kinda lame. Well, at least it was for free.

Nothing really worth blogging about happened this week, though. I think (my memory's not been the best lately). Just boring work (should've quit a week ago). Patricia, Sonja and I decided to buy inline skates this week. Hoping that when we buy them together that we'll go skating together, too. Let's see if that really works out. I for my part still doubt it =)

I'm melting, it's so hot outside =P And to top it off my window shades broke last night and now I can't close my window anymore. Which means in my room it's as hot as outside =P Ick.

Had kind of a stressy week (hence no blogging), and I think I wrote like 6 or 7 articles this week. Monday Patricia dyed my hair and well...let's call it something between adisaster and a catastrophy =/ I was so sure I'd used the same color before, but I hadn't. Looked kinda orangy-yellow-red-brown. Patricia had never dyed someone's hair before and let's say...you can tell. My blonde highlights went totally wrong, too - so wrong that I cut part of the hair out. But well, after washing it like 3 or 4 times it's starting to look alright. I had already bought another color to dye over it, but I guess I'll wait a little longer and see if it's gonna be getting any more better.

Went to the movies with SOnja on Tuesday to watch the Traumschiff =) It was crazy, I think the movie was sold out almost an hour before it began, there was shoving and pushing in front of the doors that could've competed with a concert. But it was all worth it =) Really funny movie. =) Can only recommend it. And tomorrow Sonja and I are going to the theater, so I guess I won't have pushing and shoving there =) (But I also doubt the play's gonna be that funny).

Wednesday my internship-"coach" visited me. My boss warned me he would be coming and told me to leave and he'd just tell me I was doing an interview. Unfortunately when I came back hours later he had waited for me. =P So he was annoying me till my day was over. I dislike him so much, he's just weird. And annoying. I hope he's not the one who has to write my judgement. =/

Visited Johann from work yesterday for an interview and he told me that Sandra (you might remember) won't be getting the army-job again...lol =) Yes, baby! =) Now I wanna meet her and ask her something like "Well, Sandra, how's work going?" I know I'm malicious, but she deserves it. She was really enjoying reminding me all the time that she was still working there and I was not, but hey, at least I left voluntarily and wasn't fired because I'm good for nothing and have a big mouth (I mean, I have a big mouth, but they didn't say anything about it...lol).

And I knew it'd leave scars. Right across the street from our editor's office is an old-age asylum and they were sitting outside this week singing the whole loooooooooooooong day through. And always the same. At first it was kinda cute, after half an hour it was starting to be annoying, after four or five hours I was thinking up ways of making them shut up. And they were not very nice ways. So last night I had the weirdest dream about all kinds of people trying to make me sing songs I'd never heard before - in front of a crowd. Nightmare.

Weekend, yeah! =) I've been bored to hell most of the week, cuz I didn't really have a lot do to. Did a portrait on Patricia's mom, cancelled my second internship, had to go on a three hour lecture about mobile phones that I had to write an article about (it was boring as hell and I didn't understand a word, that guy talks faster than I do and he had a 196 pages Powerpoint presentation) and that was pretty much it I guess. Funny thing is I have a bad conscience when I don't do anything and they have a bad conscience when they don't have work for me...lol =)

Found out my pre-diploma grades yesterday, too. First I thought they wrote something incorrectly, but obviously they didn't. The exam I thought I failed: 1,0 baby. I don't have a clue how I did it, but obviously I did. And I thought I wouldn't pass it. Journalism was a 1,3, also better than I thought. Now I'm only waiting for psychology, but they won't publish the grades on that online. =(

Patricia broke up with her boyfriend of 4 years this week. Poor thing, even though they both know it was better for them. So I'm going shopping and doing fun stuff with her tomorrow, I hope the weather stays well. We are burning throughout the day and at night we have terrible thunderstorms here. =/

Olli invited me to visit him the other day. I was a little afraid, but Patricia's probably gonna join me (thank god). And talking about visiting, Audrey girl, where are you? I might have a day or two for us to meet! =)

I bought myself flowers today. Isn't that depressing? I have to them MYSELF...lol =) And when I complained to my parents about it they were like "Well, no man wants you. Who wants to live with a grumpy bitch?" Well.....thanks. You're supposed to love me, remember? I'm your child...lol =) It really is depressing. But it was a nice bouquet with gerbera, calla and roses - all my favorites. =)

And it was a totally wrong conclusion that I would have more time to blog when I'm on summer break. I'm usually so tired when I come home the last thing that's on my mind is blogging. And sometimes I even have to do interviews in the evening, so I'm kinda busy (again). I guess I'll cancel my second internship. I want at least a few weeks for myself this summer. I had to do this totally boring interview today and when I came back they told me it's gonna be a lead. Great. Why do I get all the boring topics that are supposed to be leads afterwards? I'm gonna be known as the "Boring-lead-intern" or something...lol =)

Bought a bikini today. And again I came to the conclusion that I look...like a stranded whale in a bikini...lol =) Well, so do I in a bathing suit. But not that bad. And I feel...not as naked. So maybe I should buy a bathing suit, too. Just in case I chicken out and don't wanna wear the bikini. ;o)

And why is it that your teeth hurt more after you've been at the dentist than before? Yesterday I remembered why I hate dentists. Went there cuz I thought I needed a filling and well...I obviously needed one, but she put it in a totally different tooth than had hurt and that looked like it needed one. But that wasn't the biggest problem. Seems like my teeth are standing kinda close together, so she tried to pry them apart with a wedge. It bled like crazy afterwards. Cost a lot, too and...well, anesthesia seems to be out, too. =/

I need to eat less. It's terrible, as soon as I'm home I feel 10 pounds heavier, cuz it seems that I'm eating the whole day. In L. I have fixed times when I eat and I don't eat in between. Plus I eat a lot of rice, chicken and...basically healthier stuff than I eat here. And here...my mom just cooks at totally weird times (e.g. my parents never have dinner before like 10pm) and you know that's really bad. When you look into our fridge you could think 7 or 8 people are living here, when it's just 3. My dad's been getting so fat that none of his pants fit him anymore and I'm a little afraid of ending the same way one day. Well, it would be a long way to go and I guess before that happens I'm gone here anyway, but still. And I need to fit into a bikini in 8 weeks. Ugh. Guess I gotta restrict my food. A little sport wouldn't hurt either, but I have my crosstrainer in L. and jogging and stuff isn't really my kind of stuff. And when I come home from work I'm usually kinda tired, so sport's the last thing I'm thinking about. Ugh. Why can't I just be thin and stay thin like so many others? But no, I already gain weight by looking at food. Plus my legs are really annoying. Bought a jeans this week and I was pondering the whole week if I should take it back, cuz my thighs look even worse in there than they already are =( I hate that stupid disease. I'd happily live with 10 pounds too much if just my legs were normal sized. But I'm getting the feeling it's getting worse each year and the surgery would be expensive as hell, so I guess I'll have to live with it for the rest of my life. =/ I don't even wanna go to the beach like this, I'll just have people staring again =P

I know, I promised to blog more. But having to be creative 8 hours a day is more demanding than I thought. I've been so tired the past few days that I just didn't have the energy to blog. And today I spent 3 hours at the culture convent. I don't think I've ever experienced something only remotely that boring. And I have to write 3 (in words: THREE) articles about that tomorrow. As if anyone was interested in that. Well, probably people are and I'm just not...lol =) Aright, gotta run, just wanted to let you know I am blogging!

Okay, I admit it, there are other reasons why I'm melancholic...depressed (only a little bit ;o)) or maybe a little disappointed. First of all I guess I've done it again, I've bored Christoph to death. I guess that's the reason why his answers and sms became less and less over the past week until they completely stopped. And I even have a good guess why: cuz I'm annoying people with my bad luck and my problems all day (guess what this site is for! ;o)). So there seems to be a new "victim" on the list =( And one I'm really mourning over =(

And then there's something else that...well...I don't really wanna talk about here. It was actually nothing really, it just made me think about stuff...about myself...other people and how others seem to be lying to me. I mean alright, we've all lied one time or the other, don't even try to deny it. But...if you lie to someone you at least try to keep it secret, right? You don't go and tell the person that you've lied to them - directly or through the backdoor. Okay, if it's something minor, alright, maybe you do then, but if it's something major? It's just...I dunno. I seem to tend to draw people to me that are either really confused about what they want or a little psychically (? is that even a word?) on the bad side. Okay, so I draw people that are like me. And it's kinda frustrating to see how frustrated others must be with me, juding from the fact how frustrated I'm with those other people (you see, a whole lot of frustration...lol). Okay, I'm gonna stop that now. I'm getting on my own nerves.

I'm a little...well...melancholic today. Sitting here in semi-darkness just thinking about stuff that has happened in the past year. It was a lot of bad stuff (loyal readers will remember ;o)) and only little good. I hope to be able to resolve at least a few of the things that are still kinda unresolved. Just listened to a show on my fave radio station where you can call or write to send a message to someone you love and there was this one guy proposing to his girlfriend and they had only been together for 9 weeks. Wow. Kinda got me thinking again. I went out with Sonja last night and we decided that they need to start selling men per catalogue. That would save us a lot of heartbreak, stress and depression. ;o) Naw...but still. My sister's moving in with her boyfriend in a few weeks and they only know each other for like 8 weeks while Olli's been whining all week that his 9-year-relationship is going down the drain. And I can't get rid of the feeling that as soon as he really breaks up with his girlfriend and he's gonna want me (cuz that's the feeling he's been giving me for quite some time now) and so I try to persuade him to stay with his girlfriend cuz as exasperated as I am...I can't imagine having a relationship with him. He's a really sweet guy but...let's say he's not the brightest crayon in the box. I guess he'd either bore or annoy me after a few weeks. I'm actually starting to get a little annoyed with him at the moment. But back to the topic. The first people I graduated with are getting married while I'm getting the feeling that it was the right decision to buy a white dress for the Navy Ball back then, cuz it'll probably be the only white dress I'll ever wear. *sigh* And then I saw someone last night (or rather mistook someone for someone else)...someone I had a crush on at the beginning of the year...which just made me sigh in despair even more ;o)

I'm a little afraid to start my internship tomorrow I gotta admit. Still haven't found enough topics to write about and the ones I have are either kinda silly or I don't really wanna write anything about it (and only wrote them down to have something) or they don't have anything to do with the region here. =P That'll make a great first impression I guess.

But on a good note, I booked my vacation today. I didn't even know I was going on vacation until midnight last night when Sonja decided we should be spontaneous and just go somewhere, so we booked a week of Barcelona today, cuz it was the cheapest we could get where we had a chance that it would still be warm in September. =)

New weeklies are up, too (I really gotta rename that category...does anyone ever look it up anyway???)

Now I remember one of the huge disadvantages of being at home - we only have one tv. That is usually occupied by my dad 18 hours a day. And since tomorrow is a formula 1 race of course he has to watch 3 hours of qualifying today. WHY???? I mean, they're driving around in circles - like they're gonna do tomorrow, Schumacher wins 99% of the time, so where's the thrill, it's the same circles every year and if it was for me they could all crash today already so there wouldn't be a race tomorrow. I don't get why men watch that crap. Do thy feel manlier by seeing other guys with small *** compensate their lackings with fast cars? And why the heck do they have to watch both? Isn't it enough to just watch the race? I mean, the guys who watch soccer don't watch 3 hours of training the day before the game either, do they? And what's so great about driving in circles? Can't men process anything that goes over a 5 mile circle (I can almost see them: "Heeey, didn't they already pass that curve 3 minutes ago?")? Ugh! Sports. Or rather: dumb sports. This soccer and formula 1 craze is just stupid. And the funny thing is: neither TV nor radio realize that there are still people out there who don't want their program interrupted every 2 minutes for the latest scores. I don't give a shit if Germany wins the Euro Cup or the man on the moon and I couldn't care less who of those stupid race drivers kissed the wall again - their own fault if they drive around at 360 km/h, no one forces them, so why should I pity them? UGH. I want my tv. Or my dad gone. Either one will do.

My internship's gonna be great. =P "Great" in a very, very ironic sense. Went there yesterday to get to know my "mentor". Yeah, so he's a really weird guy with really weird opinions and I'm getting the feeling I'm not getting any guidance, only trouble when things go wrong. Great start I'd say. Now can someone tell me how the heck I'm gonna get 20 topics together until Monday that I wanna write about????

But on a good note, I did my taxes this week and I'm getting them back completely! =) I thought I'd get like a hundred bucks or something, but I'm getting back every penny I paid =) (which is kind of a lot)

And if I'd take money for every hour I spend playing relationship-counsellor I'd be rich. Why is it that everyone who's in a relationship seems to complain about it? I'd be happy to have a relationship and they're all just complaining and whining. You don't like the guy/girl? BREAK UP! Why the hell are you staying together when you actually don't have anything in common, your partner disses you, you're only fighting all day? Where's the sense? Love is supposed to be a good feeling, not a bad one.

There are really impertinent people on earth. So last night I went for dinner with Patricia and we were sitting at quite a large table cuz the whole restaurant had been empty when we arrived. So after a while it filled up a little and there were only small table free. So along came a group of 5 who asked us if they could sit down at our table and we said okay. Nothing wrong with that. We had ordered Tortilla chips that were still standing on the table and one of those guys just digged in without even asking us. So Patricia told him that that was kinda shameless and that he at least could have asked and they all started looking at us as if we had done something wrong. They were all smoking and the same guy held his cigarette dirctely over my drink all the time. Hello? I mean, we let them sit there so they could sit together and that's the thanks we get? That was definitely the last time I let strangers sit at my table. =P

So Patricia and I went to watch her boyfriend play soccer yesterday and - how else could it be - of course he got hurt even before we arrived. I see a trend there, everytime I go to watch him do some kind of sport he mysteriously gets "hurt". I'm getting the feeling he doesn't even really wanna play (Patricia says the same), so why the heck does he even go to those events? Noone's forcing him. Men. And they say women are complicated. And I got sunburnt really badly. Who would've thought that the sun's really gonna shine? Since it's been raining for weeks I didn't really expect that. So now my chest, my arms, neck, ears and face are burned =P

Okay, what I'm gonna do now is do kind of a little recap of the past few weeks (what I remember at least...lol =)), and sicne I don't wanna pack it up in one huge blog I'll do some headlines to make it easier to read, alright? So here we go...

Monday and Tuesday I had my exams and finals. It went...well...let's say different than I thought. I was worrying so much about psychology and I think that's the one that went best. Journalism showed that noone in that damn university talks to each other. I had talked to one of my profs about something we had to know for the exam and he realized that it was stupid and took it off the list, meaning we didn't have to know it. So of course he didn't talk to my other prof who was doing the questions and she asked just what we had taken off the list. Great. I told them about it (since they're obvioulsy unable to get in contact by themselves) and I hope they'll take it into consideration when they correct the whole thing. The Communication exam was hell. It was part psychology, part organisational communications and it was so hard. And we guess it's because our prof didn't like us writing the exam already, cuz we were only supposed to write it next semester. I don't know why she was complaining, it's not like there's anything else we're gonna learn next semester that's gonna help us with this exam. But she was really pissed at us because of it and so she made the whole thing harder to show us "that we're not ready yet". Very nice. If I passed that thing something really weird's going on here. I failed the easiest questions in the end. It was horrible. And I don't wanna do the whole thing again, then I have to study all that shit again. =( But I guess that's what's gonna happen =P

Moving wasn't really nice either. My parents arrived Tuesday right after my last final was over and the first thing my dad did was throw over the plan I'd made, just because he thinks he knows everything better. We don't have time, we have to hurry up bla, bla, bla. So we went over to my new apartment and brought some stuff along already. My dad was supposed to paint the walls but nope, "I don't wanna". Great. So he didn't paint. Instead he drove around 2 hours to find a place to eat. Mind you, it's not like there aren't any places to eat, there are 5 in my street alone, but "I don't want this, I don't like that". UGH!!!!!! He was driving me nuts! Good lord, for ONE SINGLE DAY you can just eat whatever, can't you??? I thought we didn't have time? Well, obviously we had, cuz when we came bakc to my apartment he sat down on the couch reading the paper. Until I started packing up my computer, then he thought he had to annoy me by telling me how to do it. I've packed up my computer like 20 times already, while he hasn't touched it once. And he wants to tell me how to do it? So I sent me to repair my bike, just so he leaves me alone. When I looked on the balcony half an hour later he had completely dismantled my bike. Don't ask me why. Took him 2 hours to put it back together. But at least I had disassembled the rest of the furniture and put the last stuff in boxes. Wednesday - like expected - we had the worst weather possible. Thunderstorms, hail, storm gusts and downpours. Great day to move. Gesa and Andrea luckily helped us. We were drenched, all my stuff was drenched, some furniture had even fallen off the trailer because of the wind and of course that's how they look like now =/. And to top it off it took us 7 hours to get home, cuz the trailer was so heavy. So we arrived here after 11pm and what happens? I forgot that I got my contact lens solution in a box that's somewhere in the trailer and my dad refused to open it up. Great. So I had to sleep with the lenses and only could put them out the next night when we finally found the right box...

K, guess that's enough for today. =) Gotta catch up on some more stuff and try to organize my stuff here.

It's done. I've moved, I'm back home, I've been through all my finals and exams and summer break has started. So now I've got the time to blog regularly and in the next few days I'll try to catch up on everything that has happened in the past few weeks, alright? So now you can start checking for updates regularly again! =)

Great. Just great. So much for my great surgery. I got the excrescences again. And worse than ever before. Why the heck did I have surgery when it only made things worse instead of better? Thank you very much peeps. =P

I've been reading my latest posts and...well...I guess I've been kinda cryptic lately...lol =) I didn't realize I didn't blog about so many things. So maybe I should catch up on that, but I'm still busy as hell, so I gotta keep it short again I'm afraid. First of all, Audrey, I'm afraid you'll have to ask at least 3 weeks to get an email back from me cuz I'm busy as hell. I kinda overdid it and so I'll have 2 exams for my pre-diploma, that I was supposed to have next semester in 3 weeks already, plus a psychology final. I don't have a clue when I'm supposed to study for all that, I'll need at least the whole weekend to just get the stuff together I need for it. =( I'm in the middle of moving (found 2 girls who had a free room in their apartment, which is right across the street from college), so I have to pack things up, organize how to get it home and to the other apartment, give notice to the electricity and phone company, get things arranged at the post office, I'll be at the radio studio the whole Tuesday, cuz I have to cut a feature for our radio show on Friday (which always takes a hell of a lot of time), still have to write a portrait, actually would have to go to a doctor's check-up (because of my surgery), but I guess I won't have time until after the exams. So it's all reeeally busy and has been for quite some time now (which explains why I'm blogging so little, but that'll change again as soon as my vacation starts in 3 weeks and I'm home, I promise). So, the infamous surgery, I thought I had blogged about it, but looks like I haven't. So I had surgery last Monday, I got some excrescences removed by laser, everything went well (well, that's at least what the doctor said) I was allowed to go home a few hours after the surgery, even though I had a general anesthetic, I guess about 10 med students were allowed to watch while they were operating me (which isn't exactly a nice feeling), I felt great 2 hours after the surgery already (even though my arm's still black and blue cuz they gave me 3 IV's, don't ask me why), but when I came home I already overdid it, so I haven't been feeling too well the whole week through. And if you ask me, it didn't go as well as they told me, I already found an excrescence they forgot. Real pros. Anyway, so you see I'm busy, busy, busy, but keep up with me for a few more weeks and I'll blog more regularly.

Okay, now I feel like I had a surgery. My throat's hurting from the oxygen machine, I'm runing around too much and sitting too much, that's kinda bad, too, so I've bleeding like crazy today and I'm kinda in pain. =/ Oh, and Juliane moved out. Of course without leaving me the rent.

So I'm back from my surgery, obviously still alive, but bad-mooded as hell. Sometimes (lately actually more often than not) I really hate my parents. They just prove in every way possible that you can't rely on them at all. I've told them weeks ago to clean up one of our storage rooms so I can put the stuff I bring home in there, since I can't really put it all in my room, because they gave me a smaller room when I moved out. So did they do it? Of course not. So I told them 2 weeks ago to to my father's friend if I could borrow his trailer, then I would've driven to L. today, stayed until Thursday, brought most of my stuff home, spent my mini-vacation at home and wouldn't have gone back here until Tuesday. But of course that didn't work out either. They were so clever to only ask for the trailer yesterday and of course someone else had borrowed it. To make it short: nothing worked out, I had to go back by train, even though I already had to pay for the fuel for the car. Great. JUst great. Had to cancel my doctor's appointment, all my dates for the weekend (Africa festival, movies...) and have to spend my whole vacation in fucking L. Perfect week.

So I'm back from Danubia...lol =) Well, back from my army exercise actually (which played in "Danubia") and it was sometimes a little boring, but actually pretty much fun. =) And now it's time to mourn, cuz that was definitely the last time it was possible for me to do something like that. The next excercise of that kind is in 2006 and I think I'll have other problems then. And they kinda ruined my job-plans for the future. But better to know that I had totally false information now than when it would have been too late. So for one week I've been the anchor(wo)man of "WNC" (our fake TV-station), I even got it all on CD. It's pretty funny. =) Now I'll be here for 2 days and then I'm gone again for a week for my surgery. Let's see how that goes. So everything's still really stressy here, don't spend much time at the pc, so bear with me for a few more weeks, alright?

Why can't stuff like that happen to me a little more often? I went shopping for a blazer this morning, cuz I was told yesterday that I need one for the army exercise (I'm gonna do the tv-news, yay! =)). So I went to the cashier with the one I wanted (that was on sale, which made me buy a second one in another color =)) and she goes "I can't sell you this like that". ??? I'm like "Why the heck not?" Well, turned out the blazer was actually an ensemble, and the skirt was missing. So they went searching the shop for the skirt and I actually got 2 pieces for the same price that I would have taken just the blazer =) Well, it's not like I'm gonna wear the skirt, cuz it's much too short for my elephant-legs, but it was still kinda cool =)

It's my mum's birthday today, but I'm not gonna call her. Got into a fight with her again sometime this week. I think it's really about damn time that I completely move out at home and never go back there. I don't think there's gonna be another way to stop all that stupid fighting. You wouldn't believer that she's well over 50. She doesn't listen to anything, even if it's for her best. She's ruining herself, making more debts than one should have just because she thinks she has to buy everything that's cheap and what's the end of the story? Our whole house, including numerous storage rooms, is filled with crap that noone needs but that noone's throwing away either. Well, if they choke on all their crap I don't care anymore, I've told them again and again and again and noone's listening to me. It's not my problem anymore.

Ugh! Why the heck do I have to take a psychology class? I mean, it's interesting and all, but I have 2 finals in it and it's so freaking much to learn! I was trying to get all the stuff organized today and write a script, so I don't have to study with like a thousand pages and I thought I'd get at least half of it done today, and what happended? I'm done with one topics out of 7. And there's gonna be more this week. Great. Just great. =P

Oh, and there are a few people in my life that I just don't understand. At all. I thought I did, but I don't. The question is: am I gonna waste more time trying to figure out what the heck they want or expect from me or am I just gonna say fuck it and forget about them. Cuz honestly I'm getting sick and tired of those stupid little games and not saying what they wanna say and all this childish shit that I have to deal with.I have a lot more important stuff to deal with. And either they're my friends or not. When they're not or don't wanna be at least they should have the decency to tell me why and if they are my friends they should start grasping the concept that friendship is normally something mutual and it doesn't mean I do the work, they do nothing. Period. That was my little Sunday speech. Hope you enjoyed it ;o)

Hey! It's me, I'm still alive. =) Though barely. I'm kinda stressed out and the fact that I haven't found a new apartment yet, that I'll be jetting up and down the country the whole may through and that I'll probably fail half of my finals this semester because I'm just taking too damn much (voluntarily!!!!) isn't making things better. BUT I'm in a good mood anyway, I bought a brandnew bike this week that was cheap as hell (bankruptcy-ware - I hope they didn't go bankrupt because their bikes were that bad...lol ;o)), got some new clothes (that I didn't even wanna buy because I'm going to Bremen with Ina in a week anyway) and it was so warm that I could run around with a skirt and sandals for the first time this year =) AND I already have 2 of 5 oral essays behind me. =) Now if I could only get down with this whole psychology-mess and my war-report-essay I'd have a lot more free time on my hand. But on another good note: I'm allowed to go to the army-exercise that was already supposed to be in March =) Only 2 more weeks, yay =)

Audrey, wuz up girl? You got lost between your moving boxes or what? ;o) Gimme proof of life!

Another weekend and I'm sitting around here instead of being home. All thanks to my stupid professor. I actually wanted to go home Thursday and come back Tuesday night, but noooo. Prof thought he could give me some more stuff for my essay that's due Wednesday morning that has absolutely nothing to do with the rest of the stuff he had given me before. So since I don't have a computer at home, but am supposed to do a power point presentation and a handout for everyone I have to stay here. Thank you very much. =P

Apartment-search isn't going well either. I was checking one out yesterday and heaven help if all flats are gonna look like that. Terrible =P I'll probably go look at another this weekend, but it's kinda far off and pretty expensive, so..well. Funny thing is another girl I'm studying with is looking for an apartment, too, and we seem to look at exactly the same ones. I hope we won't fight over one in the end. =P

Surprise! I have 10 minutes to blog! Not like anyone cares, judging the counter stats. Maybe I should put it off the site, it's just depressing me to see that noone's reading my rantings =). I know I haven't exactly blogged a lot lately, but I'm busy as hell. Next week starts my "work-marathon" in college, every week there's something else then. Remember how I was always complaining that I don't have a social life here? At the moment I'm glad I don't, I don't have a clue how I could squeeze it in between college, normal household-work, doing stuff for college till late at night andtrying to relax a little. Some time this week I was so tired I could've went to bed at 5pm already. Plus I'm actually supposed to look for a new apartment and I just don't feel like it. I wanna keep this one =( And all the ones I found that I could look at are not even 1/3 the size of this one but I would have to pay pretty much twice as much. =P And it's only for 6 months and I'm so not motivated to have the moving-stress for that short amount of time. =P Ugh. Anyway, gotta go and do my college stuff =P New weeklies are up! AND before I forget it again: A HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY TO DAGNY! I know it's a little late, but well, better late than never!

I'm back from my Easter vacation at home and guess what? My stupid computer won't let me go online, cuz...cuz he's dumb. I don't know why, I tried for 2 hours last night and he just won't let me. Guess I have to figure out what the problem is tonight and until then I just have to go online at college.

Vacation was...much needed I'd say. No stupid bitch getting on my nerves, just peace and quiet and friends who don't want my money. Wednesday I got a ticket for a Pink concert surprisingly and what happens? We were on the way already when we heard that she cancelled the concert completely, no other date, nothing. Because she was sick. Or so she says. It was a little weird, though, that at the same moment she could be so sure that the concert the next day wouldn't be cancelled. So much for that. I still was pretty busy the whole week, saw almost all of my friends and had fun (except for the times where I had to see my sisters...=P). And if the stupid little fucker is going on my nerves this week I'll just throw her out. I have her mom on my side, so who cares? I don't see any reason to be nice to her anymore.

So I'm leaving for my easter vacation at home tomorrow, so this is gonna be the last blog before Easter. Could have gone today already, but my prof kinda made me volunteer to start our radio show tomorrow morning, so I can only leave around 12. (Why the heck am I the only one who knows how to switch stations? It's not that hard, somebody could've learned it =P) But I'm done with everything, I did the dishes, I packed and now I'm bored. =) Anyway, I still gotta go, I have the feeling I forgot something, and I gotta find out what...=)

Oh, and HAPPY BIRTHDAY to Tina! (our little April's fool) =)

That's it. I'm not ready to have a baby. Well, I don't want one right now or this year or next year or anytime in the near future, but now I have the proof that I'm not ready to have one, too. I had this really weird dream tonight, where I met Johann (who played my dad at work) at an airport and I wanted to hold his baby (I don't have a clue where he got a baby from in his age) and then...I lost it. I just lay it down someplace and when he wanted it back I couldn't remember where I put it. I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find it anymore.........reeeeeeally strange...lol =) If anyone has an explanation for that dream let me know about it, my emails's somewhere on this page...lol =)

So much for going home. Had a fight with my mom Friday night so I decided that I don't need to see her for an extra-week. So I'm gonna stay here, be a good girl and go to college and do all the stuff I need to do. Which is actually more than I already thought it would be. I have so much stuff to do and no energy to do it. I'm sitting in front of the PC and I don't have a clue what to write. I have a newspaper article due, 3 more abstracts to write, 4 essays to prepare, a press statement about fish (!!!! Sometimes I have the feeling they're shitting me here...) due tomorow, I need to tape stuff for 2 essays and I need to read and summarize about 200 pages for psychology. And I so don't want to. I just don't know what to write anymore. I wrote like 20 papers in the last 2 weeks, I'm done. I read something that I'm supposed to summarize and I'm done and I don't have a clue what I just read. =P Last semester was much nicer. Much less to do. =P

New weeklies are up! (Maybe I should re-name them, they're never up weekly anyway...lol =))

Should I go home this weekend? Yeah, I know d�j� vu. But I only have 4 courses next week and then I'm off for vacation, so actually I could leave this weekend already, skip the 4 classes and just have one more week of vacation. But if I go home I won't do anything for college, I know that, and I have a lot to do. Hmm. Well, I guess I'll just do some stuff here and when I think I've done enough I'll go home...or something like that. =)

Alright, so I guess I should go and do something if I wanna have a chance to go home sometime this week =)

Should I go home tomorrow? I've been asking myself this question for most of the day now and I still don't have an answer. I mean, I have a 10 day vacation in 2 weeks anyway and do I really wanna spend half od my weekend on a train and pay �160 for it? On the other hand, do I really wanna sit around here doing absolutely nothing fun another long weekend? The only thing I've been doing for the past week is college stuff. Which is good on one hand, cuz the sooner I get it all done, the less stressful the semester's gonna be (I'm working on like 5 essays, 12 abstracts and another paper at the same time - who would have thought last semester that this one was gonna become so work-intensive?), but on the other hand, I don't wanna spend 2 whole weeks in a row just working on that stuff. On the other hand, driving home for nothing? Ugh, I really need to learn to make decisions a little faster. I'll probably decide it tomorrow, like half an hour before the train leaves or something like that. Maybe I'm just waiting for a sign. Which will probably come too late, like always...

Yesterday I had an encounter I don't wanna have ever again...lol =) I'm laughing about it now, but yesterday...so I was on the way home from grocery shopping and there was this guy, dressed totally in white standing in front of a window just around the corner from my house. First he was trying to arrange his hair in the window - thing is his hair wasn't even half an inch long, so there wasn't really anything to arrange. When he was done - he put on a white cap (why the heck do I arrange my hair when I put on a cap next???). Then he started lifting up his shirt and looking at his ass in the window (since his pants were hanging somewhere around his knees you could see pretty much his whole boxers). And then he turned around and saw me. And looked at me. And didn't stop looking at me. And I couldn't go anyplace else cuz the last chance to make a turn was already over. Good Lord, I really thought he'd either just pull down his pants when I get there or he'd just pull me into the scrub. So I passed by him and he turns to me, trying to stop me..........and asked me for a smoke. And the only thing I get out of my mouth was "No cigarette" - and I think I've never been home so fast in my life. He was really freaking me out. I was checking like three times if he saw where I went. Today I had to pass around that corner again to go to the mailbox and...well...let's say I must have looked like I was being followed the way I was checking every corner...lol =) So what does that tell me? I'm right with the opinion that there are only really really weird people living in this city...lol ;o)

Oh, did I tell y'all about my TV-Workshop week? We had to shoot commercials and I don't wanna brag, but I think ours was the best =) I really loved doing that, I think that line of work would be much more fun than PR. If I was a little more skilled with all this computer stuff I'd upload it to the page, but I don't know how, so y'all just gotta believe me that it's really funny =) Anyway, I put up a new and much longer "about"-page, so if anyone's interested in reading a little more about me go there!

First of all, congratulations to Doris on her new baby boy! Hope I'll see him soon! =)

Ugh, I can't go home next week. =P I was sooooo looking forward to go, not see all the trouble here for a few days and now the army-week got postponed. =P Why would I take bets that the new date is gonna be sometime when I can't leave here or have an internship? =P And talking about internships, I think radio ffn is kidding me. They called me like 4 weeks ago about my internship, but I didn't have time to talk back then. They said they'd call again and never did. So I accepted two other internship with newspapers. So yesterday they call me again asking me when I wanna start my internship. ????? I said never, cuz I already have two now. So she starts well, don't I wanna cancel one of those internships? Or maybe I'm free sometime during the year? Or maybe next year? Hello? That radio station can't tell me that they don't get enough internship applications. 3 or 4 people alone from my grade were applying there. So why the heck don't they get the job but I'm supposed to cancel my secure jobs? My application wasn't that special...

By the way, I got an email yesterday where somebody asked me why I'm always so frustrated and depressed when I blog. Well, cuz my life is frustrating and depressing. And if I wanna swallow in self-pity, then that's what I'll do. This is my journal, online or not, and I'm gonna write in here whatever I want. If you don't wanna read my depressing stuff then just don't come here. Nobody's forcing you and nobody's gonna be mad at you if you don't come here anymore. This is my place to vent and of course it's more probable that I write about stuff that's on my mind and that's keeping me busy then a little nice thing maybe that happened but that I forgot about again a few hours later. The last 6 months have been some of the worst in my life and that's what's reflected on the site here. And that's all there is to say about that.

I think I found out why everything I try to do with my life feels like the wrong thing. I'm looking for fulfillment in things that will never fulfill me. I try too hard. EVerything I do is measured by "Will it make me happy???" and some things just have to be done without making you happy. Most of the things I do just can't be answered with "yes". But I think I found out what would really make me happy, even when everything else goes wrong. There's just a major problem with the "solution": I seem to be a very unlovable person. How else can you explain that so many people in my life (4 in the past 5 months!) are leaving me without looking back or at least myde it perfectly clear that they want me out of their lives. I know I'm not easy to get along with, but am I really this bad that noone wants to stay in my life for a longer period of time? This angry or quiet front I put on all the time is there to hide insecurities and that's all there is to say about that. That's not me. It's probably my own fault that only few people get to see the real me, but showing it means risking to get hurt even more than I already get now. If I can't even get my friends to really like me, how will I ever get someone to really love me? Maybe I'm just destined to spend life alone. Not even my siblings really like me. Whatever I start fails, be it a job, a project, a friendship - or a relationship. Even my blind date cancelled on me. I just want people to like me. Fuck money, fuck a great job or a big car or expensive vacations. I just want someone to be there for me and to spend my life with. Someone I can prove to that I'm not as bad as I obviously appear to people, who will love me even the way I am. That's all, nothing more, nothing less. But it doesn't seem like there's someone out there who's willing to do that (someone I could love back). And I'm starting to doubt that there ever will be. 2:23 PM

I never should have moved to L. Ever since I moved here everything in my life's gone wrong. Of course that probably hasn't anything to do with the city itself, it probably would have happened anywhere else, too, but that's just what I connect to this city now - everything's going wrong. t's probably me, I mean, it can't always be the others. =(

Juliane's moving out. She just wrote me a little note yesterday that pretty much said "I'm moving out in 4 weeks cuz I don't have the strength anymore to live with you. Find a new room mate or get outta here." Well, thank you, that was exactly the gratitude I expected after feeding and financing her for a long, long time. And due to a little paragraph in our contract it'll probably be no problem for her to just leave and either leave me on the streets or having to pay all the rent by myself. Which I can for maybe a month or two, and that was it. It's exactly what everyone predicted. It's just ironic. I don't know how many times I thought about just throwing her outta here and getting a new roomie, and now, where the last few people have found a new apartment she goes and turns the whole thing completely around, telling our letter that I'm a monster that keeps her in a prison - of course timed perfectly to the beginning of my new semester where I actually don't have the time and the nerves to do anything about it. And she obviously already found the next one as stupid as I've been to feed her and finance her. I don't know how she does it. Someone as stupid as she is shouldn't be that lucky. Of course I can cancel all my plans to go home for the army-week and for vacation now, cuz I'm afraid what she'll do here when I'm not there. I hate her. I had a lot of people in my life already that I'm not friends with anymore, but I think she's the only one I can say that about.

So if I shouldn't blog too much in the next few days or weeks, bear with me. I have to take care of not living on the streets in a few weeks ='(

The biggest mistake of my life? Moving in with Juliane. I had so many people telling me it's a mistake. Hell, I knew it myself. And I still did it. Why? Because I was afraid of starting anew so far from home and being alone. Someone told me I don't need her to get to know people and I'm strong enough alone - and I didn't believe him. So what happened? I'm here, far from home - and in a sense I'm all alone. Juliane doesn't give a shit about me. The only things she cares about is sex, alcohol and having fun. Oh, and my money. She's paid the rent twice since we're living here. Since I don't wanna get into trouble I have to pay all the bills, meaning I pay the rent, water, electricity and groceries. And she goes and uses up more than 3200 liters of water in the month I'm gone (who cares? It's Nicole who pays the bills), tells me to get groceries when I get back home cuz she ran out of them (which I have to in order to eat myself and which I can't all hide in my room) andoh, could I borrow her �50? She wants to go home for a day to fuck around with her boytoy, but the train's so expensive. She's mounted a whopping �1800 of debt with me in half a year. I think Juliane has stopped being friends with me a long time ago. She's friends with my bank account now. I don't know how I could've been so stupid. My damn insecurity is bringing on my financial doom. I can't buy the stuff I like, even though I know I actually could afford them, because I don't know how many more times she isn't gonna pay for anything. I'm sitting here calculating my finances day and night while she takes her salary to pay her monthly �200 phone bills and spends the rest on useless crap. And I can't even do anything about it. She's lieing about her finances like there's no tomorrow. I admit I went through her bills yesterday while she was at work and...there's no words to describe it. If I was 20 years old and I'd already mounted �3000 in debt I'd be ashamed. She's just laughing about it, she knows she's always find someone as stupid as me to finance her. And it's my own fault. I hate her. There's no friendly feeling for her left. And I think I've never been her friend, cuz Juliane doesn't have friends. She has people she can take advantage gone. Is the advantage gone is Julie gone. And I was so stupid to become one of those people voluntarily, because I wanted to be a bit like her - the girl everybody wants. But I don't. Never ever in my life do I wanna be such a deceiving, stupid, heartless little slut who's only using people for her own devices. I don't even think she even knows what the word friendship means.

What did I say a few weeks ago? I'm re-thinking not wanting to have kids? When I see my nephew I'm honestly doubting if that was a good idea. He's been here since Wednesday and he's annoying the heck outta me. I think his only purpose in life is getting on my nerves. And he's a real pro already. He knows exactly that he can only do it when he's here at our house, cuz my dad is always defending him, no matter what he does, it's always me who's the bad one. When he's at home with his mom he knows he can't do it, cuz he's gonna get in trouble, so he plays nice. Just the thought that there is a chance of me producing such a child someday is giving me the creeps. I hope I'll do better, someone like him longer than 3 coherent days and I might consider becoming criminal...=P

Went for dinner with Tina last night and it was really interesting watching a guy looking for a possible "prey". It was really funny. He was checking out every girl that entered the room for about 2 to 3 minutes, then went to the next one. After about an hour he unerringly picked the ugliest one and made his move...lol =) Obviously she fell for it, but it was really funny to watch. He was so obvious, you took one look at him and saw that he was on the search. ;o)

Well, well. I've been away for a few months and next thing I know Nadine's pregnant again. So congrats to them, let's see if the next one's gonna be such a cute tyke like the first one again. =) Cuz Joanna's a real mini-entertainer...lol =)

I'm getting old. Found out on Sunday that the first two people from my old class are engaged. And of course it's the one you least expected. I'll shoot myself if those two are honestly the first ones to marry! ;o) The first baby's there, too. This is just crazy. You knew those people in first or 5th class already and suddenly they're having babies and getting married. It's really weird. Last night while I was visiting Jo and Nadine I just thought about what a different life Nadine and I have. She's only a year or two older than me, married, expecting her second child. And look at what I have accomplished (don't think too hard, yeah, the answer is "nothing"...lol =)) Anyway, gotta go "accomplish" something (meaning I think I have to start packing and looking for some of my stuff that's lost (thanks to my mom) somewhere in the deep abyss of this house...lol =)

I don't know what I expect, but it's obviously too much. I don't know why I expect anything at all, the whole thing was doomed from the beginning. And it's killing me inside, not being able to get ahead of it. Every time I think I'm making progress it just takes a second or a sentence and I'm right back where I started. With expectations that are obviously too high to fulfill (even though I don't think they are) and so I get disappointed constantly. I don't know how much longer I can do this. I know it's not good for me, but it's like a drug. You feel like shit when it wears off, but just the prospect of getting a little more is getting your spirit and your excitement up again. Maybe Christoph's right with what he says (hell, I'm sure he's right), but there's this little voice inside my head telling me "but what if....". Yeah. What if. "What if" will never happen, I know that, and I still can't get that thought out of my head. I hate that this is so important to me. I wish I was just a little more indifferent on the whole issue. It would spare me a lot of bad days.

So I'm back from Franzi's (nice visit, I'm just still a little confused about the "turtle in the frigde"-part...lol =)), had my last internship day today (which sucks - but what sucked even more was the weather there, I was freezing my ass off) and I'm bascially catching up on stuff. Got the new semester plan (which sucks, no free day for me!), kinda got a place in the french compact week (AAAAAHH!! I don't even speak french anymore!!!) and I have a busy last week at home ahead of me. I had more than a month to meet up with all my friends - and when do I meet them? Exactly, pretty much the whole next week. Gonna be hectic, but at least I won't be sitting at home all day. Gonna do enough of that when I'm back in L. =P And I'm not gonna miss my internship so much =/ I really hope I can go back there in March, even if it's only for a few days. So y'all can cross your fingers for me. And Im dreading Saturday! I don't wanna go, dammit! I don't even know how Julie persuaded me to do this! I have a feeling I'll do something I don't really wanna do in the end, and that's not how it's supposed to be. Someone rescue me!

Only 2 (or rather 1 1/2) days of my internship left. Which sucks. Yeah, I know I complained about it in the beginning, but I'm actually starting to like it (okay, I admit there's a reason why I suddenly like it so much - or liked it so much the past week and this one - which is already over again...anyway, don't wanna go into details here ;o)). And I know that when I leave this time it's gonna be for good, I won't have the chance to go back. And I hate the feeling of having to go back to L., where nothing and noone awaits me, where I don't have friends and where college sucks. =( And it's gonna be at least 4 months until I can come back home here for a little while. Got a call yesterday because of one of my internships for summer - and of course it was the only one that's close to L. instead of close to "home". Of course I don't have to do it if I don't want to, but they wanna talk to me and that means I have to go back to L. sooner than I had actually planned. =/ I just don't know what to do. Maybe quitting the whole thing would be the best to do. It's obviously not making me very happy. =(

Do I have to understand my parents? So I'm not allowed to watch DSDS, but they're watching "Comeback"? Lemme just tell you that show sucked majorly. The people on DSDS sing better than those on Comeback and those on Comeback are supposed to be stars already. So today all they're saying on TV is how great the show was and all...hello? Did anyone listen to those people sing? It was awful! I hope I don't have to watch that every week now...

So Christoph's in love...lol =) Actually I should be happy for him, he really deserves it and it's actually kinda cute how he's behaving now, but...I dunno. It's just that I made the experience with a few other people as well: as long as they're single or fighting with their respective partners they're annoying the heck outta me cuz they're mailing or calling so much and as soon as the fighting's over or they found someone I get totally uninteresting and noone ever calls. =/

And can someone help me understand Julie? She got her salary like 3 days ago, yesterday she called me and asked if I could borrow her money. Hello? How can you spend your whole salary in 3 days?? And she still wants to come visit here, just so she can visit her boy-toy. She just doesn't get that that's kinda not possible when you don't have the money and I'm not gonna give it to her just so she can f*** around with this guy. She's never gonna grow up. Ever.

There Franzi, happy now? Your visit's in the calendar. Now stop complaining about everything!;o) I update that stupid thing like twice a month and when I did last I didn't even know if I was going to visit you or not.

I'm going really crazy here. Fighting with my doctor and the health insurance about my pill prescription. Suddenly they refuse to give me a 6-month prescription, which means I would have to go there to get a new one ervey 3 months (which I can't since the doctor's like...300 miles from where I live) and I'd have to pay that stupid office fee everytime I get a new prescription. Which means the cost for that stupid pill would be almost �170 a year. AND WHAT FOR? I don't even have sex or anything resembling a sex life! So why do I have to pay �170 for contraception????........I'm pathetic, I know. I so need a social life...=P

I'm actually kinda on the run, I need to leave for a doctor's appointment in a few minutes, but I thought I'd blog since I haven't really since sunday. Well, let's say my internship is keeping me...well...saying it's keeping me busy would be the exaggeration of the day, so let's say "it's keeping me away from my computer" =) It's not like I really have something to do there, they're actually inventing work for me in order to keep me awake. ;o) But it's been kinda funny this week at least, so it's alright. And I'd rather sit around there doing nothing than at home doing nothing. My bosses are just...nuts. They'd be the perfect married couple the way they're fighting each day. =) And I'm really surprised how many people there remember me (even people I didn't know knew me - or at least I didn't know them. Everybody's so enthusiastic about me studying, "finally doing something real" as they normally call it ;o)

Some weird things are happening here, too: I haven't been in a fight with my dad for a week. Even though I saw him a few times =) Don't have a clue how that happened =) AND I've talked to Julie more since I'm here than while we're living together. We're constantly on the phone or mailing it seems. Seems like they finally found someone to rent the apartment above us. Damn. It was so nice being alone in the house. You could be as loud as you wanted, we always had something standing around in the hallway, no one bothered me by using the bathroom in the middle of the night (which is directly over my bed - lemme just say it is really disturbing to know the pee-habits of your neighbors) and it was just...quiet. So that's over now I guess. Hm. Anyway, I gotta run. I'll maybe update the weeklies and the archives tonight. so watch out for it! See ya!

So it's my birthday - and noone cares. Well, alright, that's exaggerated. A few people actually thought of it and at least sent me some sms, which was really nice. I'm glad they remembered. There are just a few that I thought I would hear from that I didn't, which kinda disappointed me a little. Okay, a lot. Of course I didn't really get a lot of gifts either. My parents had nothing for me again (hey, d�j� vu! Just like Christmas!), my sister just gave me money and Patricia gave me something while I was out with her last night. And that's about all. Well alright, there's still half a day left, let's see who else I'll hear from today. It's just...my birthday kinda seems to suck more and more each year. It's just like every other day, noone really cares that it's my birthday here. Okay, I decided I didn't want to have a party with my family, just because I hate celebrating with my family and half of my friends aren't even in town. So maybe I'll do something with them next weekend, we'll see. Okay. I'll stop whining now. Noone cares anyway. =)

First two days of my internship are over. Dunno if I should say "thank god" or "unfortunately". Let's say I hoped it would be a little different. It's fucking cold up there, about 3 feet of snow, windy and just...ugh. Thursday I went there with sneakers (cuz I don't own any sort of winter shoes), so I had to live with wet feet until I got home. =P And yeah, it's different than I thought it would be. I thought I'd be a little more often on the stations so I could talk to the people I know and all, but I'm not. I'm there for the shoot and that's it. I usually don't even have 5 minutes before everything starts, so I can't really talk to anyone. The shoots are like 2 hours a day, around 6 to 8 hours a day I'm just sitting around doing nothing and then there's the actual Training which is around 7 each night. When we have enough time I'm allowed to cut some of the stuff we use at night, but since it normally takes me around 1 1/2 hours to cut 2 minutes we don't have that time a lot. =) BUt I'm learning. Gimme 2 more weeks and I'll be faster =) Got an internship for the summer, too, I just don't know if I wanna do it. Let's hope I'll get something else.

So I'm home and I obviously took my pc with me. Forgot the printer, though...well, actually I thought it would be a bit much to take it with me for 5 weeks, but I just went online 10 minutes ago and I would actually already need it, cuz I need to print out my compact week applications like...right away. =P I hope I have some good old floppy disks somewhere in the house so I can bribe Sonja to print it for me. =P/p>

And home is...about as bad as it was Christmas. I hate my dad. I really do. He drove the whole way yesterday and of course he had to use yet another way (the 10th or 11th), just to show us how great he is, so it took us over 5 hours to get home instead of four. My mom had to go pee like every hour, so we had to make like 4 extra stops. And we were in the house for not even 2 minutes and we were fighting already (about where my pc was supposed to go, cuz the modem cable's too short for it to stay in my room, so it had to stay downstairs, which my dad didn't like). Then I asked if I could have the car to do a little shopping trip today (cuz it's the final winter sale) and I was out of the room for 2 minutes and suddenly he had decided I HAVE to take my mom with me or I won't get the car. He's such an asshole. Since he's unemployed he thinks he can rule the world. He says something and everybody has to listen, we have to do whatever he wants. And I won't. I never did and I won't start now. I don't know why my mom does it. He's like "Go, sit down, watch that tv-show. Now go do the dishes. Now do this, now do that." And she just does it. Fuck him. Yeah, I took my mom with me today, cuz she asked me nicely afterwards (I knew it was a bad idea, shopping is better done alone. I've tried it more than once with different people and it never worked out, I never should have said yes today either). I ended up sitting in front of a fitting room for almost 2 hours (in the same store!!!!), watching my mom (who you can't let go anywhere alone, cuz she would get lost) don shirt after shirt after shirt after shirt (stopped counting after 17). And she didn't like a single one! (Well, actually she "wasn't sure" about any of them). I was really short of strangling her. After almost 6 hours of shopping I had bought NOTHING yet. (Well, I bought a few things in the end, but that just taught me never to throw my principle of alone-shopping over board again.) But my dad...he's just a dick. It's one thing to ask me nicely if I could take her with me, it's another to just command me around. Like I said, never worked, and I won't start listening to it now. I'm glad for every minute I don't have to see him. =P

Ugh, not a nice way to start the day. Woke up waaaay to early for a sunday morning and my head's killing me. =P

Did I mention my brother's a dick? Yeah, I think I did, but I'm gonna repeat it: He's an asshole. I always thought he's a nice guy, I always liked him much better than my sisters, but I guess he's just an self-centered, pedantic prick. I'll never ask him again to get me something if he'd making such a fuss about it all the time. And I'm not gonna invite him to my birthday. Period. =P

So I'll be going home tomorrow, so the site will be shut till around March 1st I guess. I'll probably write some stuff while I'm home, but I won't be able to put it online until I'm back. If I don't decide to take my computer with me that is. But I guess that's a lot of trouble for a few weeks (which would probably be worth it, but well...we'll see =)). So be prepared that the site is shut for the next month, but check back in case I took the PC with me, alrightee?

Oh, and by the way, if I wasn't such a damn coward I'd say something. But I'm gonna be nice for once in my life and keep my mouth shut. =)

Who would've thought radio can be so demanding. And we're only on air for an hour a day. I come home later each day (well, except for today, where I just left around noon) and I'm just spent. I come home, eat, go to bed. But it's actually kinda fun. I was told I'll be the next Antonia Rhados...lol =) Tomorrow is the last day, and then it's vacation time! =) 5 weeks no boring classes. =) Still don't know if I passed the other finals, though. =P

I have such a craving for greek food today, and I won't be getting any. Hmpf. Maybe I should just order out instead of cooking =)

I had the greatest day today. I don't mean that ironic at all, nooooooooooo. It started off with Melanie telling me oops, she can't come pick me up this weekend. Great. Thank you. Then my umbrella kinda broke, cutting my thumb. I was informed that the DVD and calendar I had ordered are sold out and you can't get a decent calendar in the size I want it under �40 in town (and I'm not paying that for a calendar). I had to do all my internship applications for the summer, which were actually all ready to be sent, again, because well...I did some stuff wrong. And my compact week started today and I saw the inside of a radio studio for the first time today - was about damn time seeing that we're going to be on air on Wednesday. This is gonna be so chaotic. I don't have a clue how all that's supposed to work out. And I have to sit in college from 8:30am to 7:00pm each day this week =P

And to top all that off I had a "great" talk to my mom where we kinda established that it's her fault that I'm as weird as I am and unable to be nice to people and have functioning relationships of any kind (rule no#217: if you can't change it yourself, find someone else to blame). So she apologized, but actually...that didn't help me one bit. She said she'd do everything differently if she had the chance to do it again, but we both know that won't happen. So I guess it's my job now to change what I've become to to a bad or rather due to the lack of an education. Which is one hell of a job. So I guess I should get started soon, huh?

But on a good note: Found out the results of 2 of my finals today and I made a 1,3 and a 1,7. Yay! Now let's hope I passed the other 2, too. =)

I just read the latest guestbook entry and I really had to laugh about that one. Franzi, you trying to piss me off or what? ;o) I'm like "Who-hoo, someone signed the guestbook!" and then this? "I don't like the picture and you wrote John Mayer's name wrong?" (YOU DID, TOO, BY THE WAY!!! ;P) Thank you very much. I kinda like the layout and honestly, I'm way too lazy to get a new layout started a week before I leave. So you gotta live with that one a little longer =) And thinking about that I just put your picture up in a frame here...lol =)

Okay, I get the drift why men always say they don't understand women. I don't either, and I am one. So yesterday Cornelia called and asked if I'd go swimming with her and the whole day she played as if nothing had happened. - ????? Do I have to understand that? Not two days ago she pretty much tells me we're not friends anymore and now everything's alright again? Women...

So Conny and I went on a short trip to the Netherlands Monday and Tuesday, and well...let's just say the trip was kind of a disaster and Cornelia and I realized we have pretty much nothing in common. We wanted to start off by going to the North Sea, but until we arrived it was pitch black, it was pouring and we were...somewhere in the Netherlands. I don't even recall how the city was called. So we had dinner, it stopped raining and we went to look around teh city, which was actually kinda cute, all in a kind of 19th century style, so the evening was alright. We had to sleep in the car, which was freaking cold and I only got like 4 hours of sleep. We wanted to stay till Tuesday noon in...I think the name of the city was Harlingen just to be able to take a few pictures and finally go to the beach for a bit, but it rained pretty hard and so Conny just decided we would just leave for Amsterdam right away. I was a little agitated cuz I had slept so little and I thought it sucked that we had left instead of waiting an hour or 2 if the weather would clear up, which it actually did around 10. So Amsterdam...sucked. I don't know what people like so much about that city, I just thought it looked pretty much like the city the night before and there was nothing special about it. Conny went in pretty much every tiny little shop she found on the way, and me - despite being shopping-addicted, bought nothing cuz I didn't even like the shops. It was terrible. So around 2 I wanted to leave, Cornelia didn't. So we got into kind of a fight (without many words actually). The drive home our conversation consisted of "Where do I have to go?" and "It is okay if I turn the music on?" But I actually thought that was it, that she was mad at me because I wanted to leave so soon. So last night she calls me, mouthing me off how respectless I behaved and how much I hurt her and I didn't even know what she was talking about. Turns out I obviously was "making mean comments all day", treating her totally respectless, making her feel like she meant nothing to me and I was supposed to apologize for all that and maybe it would be better if we just cut the ties. I was like Hello? What was I supposed to say to that? I really wasn't aware that I obviously did that and thinking about it I think she just took some stuff really personally. I don't always think about what I say, yeah, I know that, everybody else knows that, too. But those "mean comments" weren't even mean for me. That was stuff Julie has to listen to almost every day and that she's laughing about, cuz she knows how I mean it (no pun intended). With Cornelia just her whole life is about respect, pride, and the higher values of life. Alright, respect is important, pride too, but you can overdo things, and she does in my opinion. What's so mean about that: She tells me to put in another CD, cuz she didn't like my CD (that had just German songs on it), because "she doesn't like German music". But on pretty much all her CDs there are German songs, and she had been listening again and again to this one stupid song (the German-speaking-people will know it: "Quietscheentchen"), so I say "So you say you don't like German music, but I have to listen to that stupid song 3 times?" That hurt her, cuz I was criticizing her music taste. She telling me that every second song on my CD sucks doesn't count or what? I could be pissed about that, too. And I'm not, cuz I think it's just dumb. Anyway, a lot more happened that made me realize we probably aren't as great friends as I thought and maybe I really did some stuff wrong and maybe I should have watched out more what I said, I know that's one of my bigger mistakes, but I also think you can exaggerate some stuff. And I think she does.

I can't believe what just happened. There we go again. It was quiet much too long. So Julie just came home from god knows where she went yesterday afternoon, she didn't tell me she would stay overnight (the thought that I might get worried if she was supposed to be back at night and doesn't show up until the next night obviously didn't cross her mind). So she's going into the kitchen and sees there's no bread left. So she's like "Don't we have any bread?" So I say "No, but you should know that, since you're the one who took the last." So she goes:" I didn't. And what am I supposed to take to work with me tomorrow?" WHY THE HECK SHOULD I CARE? She takes the last, doesn't tell me so I can get a new one while the shops are still open Saturday afternoon, nooo, she just stays quiet and starts mouthing off at me the next day as if it was my fault. I do everything here, I clean, I cook, I do the dishes, I do the laundry, I do the shopping - ALL the shopping - and most important: I PAY for all the shopping, just she's always out of money. So she doesn't have any right at all to mouth off at me. Thank God she has to work and I don't have to see her a lot this week. =P

My brother's a dick, too. I don't know why I even like him sometimes. Don't wanna go into details on this one, too. He's an asshole, no more comment needed. =P

I just realized something. Only 2 more weeks until Cornelia leaves and with her the only real college-friend I have and pretty much 99.9% of my social life. What a great outlook for the next 3 1/2 years. She's pretty much the only one who I go out with here and the only one I really call my friend. Yeah, I hang out in college with a few other girls, but I never do anything with them. Probably because they have their own lives at home (they live closeby) and it's too much of a hassle for them to drive over here at night to do something with me, which I kinda understand. I dunno, maybe it's me, but I just don't "click" with the people I'm studying with. There are only so few and...I don't know, they're not my type of friends. And they all already have their little groups, so no use for me there. It's just...I don't wanna think about sitting here for more than 3 more years, being at home each night cuz I don't have anyone to go out with, while Julie pretty much knows the whole town (and, as a matter of fact, all the other towns around us, too). I don't know why she finds people and friends so easily while for me it's the hardest time. Studying should be fun, and for me it's just...a hassle. I'm not happy at all with the whole situation here, it came pretty much exactly like I predicted it. Everybody told me I'd find a whole bunch of new friends here and would have the greatest time and all, and what happened? Studies suck, people suck, city sucks. Just great. =P

It's over! I wrote my last final this morning. My wall unit cost me 5 points, by the way. I skipped a session cuz I knew it got delivered and they watched a video in this session that no one had any notes about - and of course she had to ask something about that damn movie. =P Anyway, I hope I still knew enough to pass. And now I have a WEEK OF VACATION! Cornelia and I wann go to the North Sea or to Amsterdam for a few days, let's see if that really happens =)

Internship is cleared, if the guy who's in charge in the army allows to me do it. But I know him, so I hope that shouldn't be a problem. The bigger problem was explaining to my "boss" why the heck exactly I wanna do it (I couldn't exactly tell him the real reason: "I miss my job and you're my only chance of being back there for a few days" - naaaaw, don't think that would've worked too well. ;o)) Anyway, so I'll probably start around January 29th and I'm really looking forward to it! =)

Third final over. Sucked even more than the last two. Of course he had to ask all the stuff I thought was unnecessary to know. Really good thinking on my part. I hope at least the last will go okay. I guess I should study some more for it in order for that to happen. =) I'm just 0% motivated. I've been studying for almost 3 weeks now and I'm really sick of it. =P But on a good note, my internship seems to work out =) The agency boss just called me and told me to call someone else for the dates, but I kinda don't wanna call right away, I don't wanna look too eager. I think I already got on their nerves enough I think. =) So I'll call tomorrow and we'll see then what happens =)

I just got done with another final. Two down, two more to go. =P This one sucked. Just like the one yesterday, but I guess I knew enough to pass. And that's the important thing.

Julie's getting on my nerves a little bit. We're not fighting or anything, it's just her new boytoy...they're on the phone for like 3 or 4 hours a day (mind you, they aren't even a couple), which I actually couldn't care less about if she wouldn't just giggle and laugh and scream like a crazy hyena all the time - mostly until after midnight. Which is a little disturbing when you wanna study or sleep, believe me.

I don't know what I did, but my whole back is totally stiff, I can hardly move. I had to sit totally straight while writing my final, cuz it hurt too much to bend over a little. Guess I'm getting old ;o)

By the way, why is noone using the guestbook? What do I have that stupid thing for? New weeklies are up, too! So go check them out!

So I'm back. Decided to re-open, yadda yadda. I'm not even sure why, noone's coming to the site anyway. While on RDF the counter stats are exploding, even though I haven't really updated that stupid site for a freaking year and here? Nothing. So no one's interested in my sorry life it seems...lol =) Well, alright with me. I wouldn't be interested in it either if it wasn't mine. ;o)

So I wrote some stuff over the holidays...which is actually pretty whiny and frustrating, but at least it's some new stuff for you to read. It's all below, in reverse chronological order, so you know what I wrote first and what last. Alright? Everything unclear? Alright, so just read away!

So as the end of the year is in sight I did some well overdue self-criticism. And I came to the conclusion that my mouth is bigger than my brain. A lot bigger actually. I don't know why, but I feel compelled to say (or write) whatever comes to my mind. Which is wrong. I'm not saying stating your opinion is wrong, it's just...I tend to overreact in a lot of situations. And this little saying "to sleep over it", doesn't really work with me. I need to "sleep over it" 2 or 3 times until I see things differently. But since I'm also a very impatient person I never wait those 2 or 3 days before I say something - I just blurt out whatever's on my mind at that very moment, justified or not. And I, more often than not, hurt people with that, even though I mostly don't mean to. I'm really sorry about that. And still I'm doing it again and again and again. One could think since I know about that "bad habit" it should be easy to change, but it isn't. Changing something negative about you is easier said than done. Plus, I'm a very emotional person and at the moment I say those things I feel they're right to say them (because I wanna hurt the one I'm talking to or because I'm hurt - or just in a bad mood), so I don't see anything wrong with them. It's just when my brain - and in some cases my heart- kicks in that I regret them deeply.
So today I officially wanna apologize to everyone that I hurt with stuff I said or wrote. To someone especially (you know who you are) that I think I hurt repeatedly lately, even if that person never told me I did. I did it and that's enough reason to apologize. So "I'm sorry" to all the people who became victims of my big mouth and my wrath at one time or the other. I hope y'all can forgive me.

So I'm home. Or at least at what I used to call home. It just doesn't feel like home anymore. I got a new bedroom, which feels and looks like a guestroom and nothing else. Though it's newly renovated it's ugly and unpersonal and...just not home anymore. Which is probably normal, since I don't really live there anymore (and my parents obviously just waited for me to leave since they pretty much renovated the whole house since I've been gone). It's just...my apartment and the city it's in don't feel like home either. Yeah, almost all of my stuff is there and I pay the rent, but it's not home. It's just the place I live while I'm in college. So if my apartment doesn't feel like home and my parents' house doesn't feel like home - where is home? I just hate everything about the city I'm living in, it's boring, too expensive, the people are weird, college sucks. And my parents' house...I hate the house, the village it's in and to be honest - I can live without the rest of my family (which is kinda sad). I think the only things that kept me there for so long were school and then my job and my friends. So I don't have my job anymore and...I'm kinda losing the connection to a lot of my friends. It's not like we don't see each other anymore, it's just...we're kinda swimming in different directions. And what's keeping my in the city I'm living now? Probably a money-problem. And fear. The fear of not knowing what else to do and even if I knew something, the fear that it isn't the right thing either. So what should I do? Probably just get through studying and hoping that my "next home" will be the one I'm gonna feel "at home". But maybe I'm searching for something that doesn't exist. In fact, I'm sure I am. Cuz what if "home" isn't some-place, but some-one?

One of my former co-workers is annoying the heck outta me. She's constantly calling, telling my how great things at the job are and how much fun she has - knwoing fully well how hard it was for me to quit. That made me think a little lately (YES, I know I have too much free time on my hands and I think way too much about stupid stuff): What exactly made me love this stupid job so much? We had to work outside, no matter how the weather was, sometimes 7 days a week, 16 hours a day, I felt totally stupid sometimes doing what I had to do, I don't even wanna remember how many bumps and bruises I had that year...so actually it should have sucked. >ou didn't even really need a special qualification, the took pretty much whoever applied. So what made the job so special to me? (Franzi, don't even open your mouth! I know EXACTLY what you think the answer is! ;o)) It was fun. A lot of fun actually. And it was really interesting (even though we were bored most of the day and we had to do the same things over and over again). I don't think a lot of people outside the army ever saw what we've seen. I - who hated to socialize - was forced to be around people all day long and even got to be their "civilian leader" (which I'm sure a lot of people didn't like one bit =)). I met some really nice and sweet people there (and a lot of jerks, but let's not talk about those...lol). And I somehow had to get along with all of them (which I managed...well...let's say I had good and bad days) - which gave me a lot of self esteem actually. Whoever thinks I'm shy now shoulw have seen me before that year. In short, I had the time of my life that year - and got ruined for every other job. I miss it a lot, especially now, that I'm back "home" and so close to it all, yet so far from it. Just thinking about sitting 3 and a half more years in that UAS makes me cringe. I know it was the right decision to quit the job in the long run, but I doubt I'll ever have so much fun at a job again. And seeing that there are more than 40 years of work ahead of me - that's not really a very comforting thought...

"Christmas sucks." I never grasped that concept until this year. And boy, do I grasp it now. Just got into a fight with my parents, so Christmas Eve is over for me. At the moment I'd give anything to be anywhere but here. Somewhere where there is no Christmas, people don't talk about Christmas, hell where people have never heard of it. What do they say? "The holiday to be with the ones that you love"? Insert a big snort here. So I'm "celebrating" it with my parents. The parents that don't give a shit that I've been here for a whole week already (talking time: approximately 5 minutes in the whole week!), the parents that want me out of the house as much as possible (most of those 5 minutes talking were spent with "Don't you have anywhere to go?"). The parents that never call if I don't call first. The parents that greeted me with "What the heck do you already want here?". The parents that pretty much broke every single major promise they made to me. The parents that still don't know what I'm studying. Should I go on? I have a short and clear list in my mind of whom I'd like to celebrate Christmas with, who would make Christmas bearable or even nice. I wouldn't even need gifts if I could celebrate with them. And I'll probably never get to celebrate with the people on that list. I think next year I'll just get a ticket to wherever - or I'll take Franzi up on her secret little plan ;o) Why go through all this shit again? Just reminds me that I have nothing to look forward to in the next year. So happy holidays, huh?

I think I want kids. There, I said it. You can cash in the bets now. Let me know who won. =) And those of you rolling on the floor laughing - yet yourself together, I'm damn serious. And just to my defense: it was a mean attack from behind while I was unarmed. Just sneaked up on me and ran me over in a moment of carelessness. Which of course doesn't mean I want them (or it, not sure about the number yet, but I guess 2 would be good in case one goes wrong) now, just...that I generally want to. Which scares the shit outta me, to be honest. But seeing that I've been insane for most of the holidays ask me again in a few weeks and see if I'll tell you the same again (even though I have the weird feeling I am...).

I think I did it again. I'm in the middle of destroying another friendship with my on-going frustration. A friend of mine told me some things about myself today, which were actually true and I totally mouthed him off for it. I don't even know why, he only meant well and didn't even say it in a mean way or anything. He just wants to help and how do I thank him? In pretty much telling him if he doesn't like the way I am he should just back off, nobody forces him to be friends with me. So much for my resolution not to do stuff like that anymore. I apologized for it later on and he said it was alright, but I still feel bad about it. I just don't know why I do stuff like that again and again. It's like I'm subconsciously trying to piss people off so they don't like me anymore. Even though I know I need them. Maybe it's because I don't take criticism too well. Or maybe because then I can pity myself even more (bad, bad habit). I'm seriously insane I think. Anyone know a good psychologist? ;o)

I lost my sense of humor, says my friend. I always got him to laugh and I don't anymore. And he's right. I can't remember a single joke I made in the past few weeks...or even months. I've become a bitter, frustrated bitch and I don't wanna be that person anymore. Cuz I don't like it one bit. I wanna go back to the old me (where I was still a bitch - but at least a bitch with a sense of humor), that at least a few people liked and loved. I just don't know how. =(

So New Year's Eve was just as great as Christmas Eve (maybe it's the holidays that end with "Eve"...). Around 8:30pm I got into a fight with my parents again (just after I told my friends that I'm gonna stay home and am not gonna go out with them - which was obviously a mistake...) which ended in me spending the evening alone in my room again - just like Christmas Eve. So again, happy holiday, huh?