Turn the Lights Back On...
Enough with the mood lighting, I'm not in the mood
Apparently I don't have the right attitude
Do you think this a séance, maybe that's what we need
Then we could channel some the dead air between you and me
Dry your new age tears, let's stick to the facts
Don't need your phony pearls of wisdom, you can have them back
Don't want your earnest sympathy, keep it to yourself
If I'm gonna be alone I'd rather be by myself
Turn the lights back on
I woke up, covered in sweat, as I usually do when I remember that night. My one night in the arms of Harmon Rabb. It had been, and still is if I’m honest with myself, the most incredible night of my life. I had never imagined anything could feel so right, so perfect, and he had only touched me. I can only fantasize about what it would have been like to feel him inside me, filling me. But it had never happened. It probably never will.
Things were fine while we were searching for his father. Even after we had crashed in the Mig, things were intense between us. I’ll never forget the heated look in his eyes when I walked out of that wagon wearing my gypsy outfit. I felt the same way about him. He looked absolutely amazing. We had set by the fire that night, stealing glances and brief kisses when we thought no one was looking.
We had went on with the quest, followed it to it’s end, and had been left to deal with the fallout. An almost 30 year search for truth had ended in tragedy. And then, for some reason, Harm totally withdrew from me after we arrived back in Moscow. It hurt so badly to have him look at me, the emotion void from his eyes. I tried to comfort him, to hold him, but he wouldn’t let me. We still only had the one room, but the last night we were there he didn’t stay. I assume he went somewhere to drink, because when I woke up the next morning he was asleep in the chair, the smell of alcohol emanating from him, and still in the same clothes from the night before. After waking, we both packed and met with the Admiral for our flight home. The rest of the trip had been made in silence.
After returning, we went our separate ways. Until the embassy assignment. After that, things seemed to fall back into place, as far as being partners went. We never did talk about that night again. The closest we ever came was in Australia, and that really doesn’t count because neither of us were really listening to the other that night. But all of that’s over and done with.
When we came back from Russia he moved on, but it wasn’t with me. First there was Bobbi and then Jordan. I watched as the man I loved went to other women. Of course Jordan was partly my fault. I had lied to him about Chris and then, to add insult to injury, I also had another hidden affair I had never told him about. My life spiraled completely out of control in a matter of months. What a fucking mess.
Of course it doesn’t matter anymore. Sure, I thought I had been given another chance in Sydney. So I took a gamble on the ferry and I lost. I should have known, when he never said anything else about that night, that it didn’t mean anything to him. And I can only imagine what he thought of me, throwing myself at him, after going almost topless in front of Mic. That’s why I accepted Mic’s ring. It was my last chance with Harm and I blew it. He was with Renee, I knew that, but I still tried to make a move on him. No wonder he didn’t want me; what man would? That’s why, when Mic proposed, I took the ring. I know I shouldn’t have, I didn’t love him, but at least he wanted me, someone wanted me. He knew that dark part of my past, Chris and Farrow, but he still wanted me. The man I really wanted would never want me again, so why not? At least I wouldn’t be alone. I could forget; I could pretend.
And I had done a damn fine job of it too...until the wedding. Actually, until my engagement party. I never expected to have that conversation with Harm, ever. As far as I was concerned, that part of me was gone. Over a year; it had been over a year since I had really talked to him about anything personal between us. And there we stood, bringing up things that should have remained buried. And then he had kissed me...well, after I started it, but he had kissed me all the same. The memory of it still makes me tremble. So many feelings surfaced, so many emotions, and I could feel them all closing in on me, choking me. I was engaged, my fiancée was sitting inside, and all I wanted to do was stay in Harm’s arms forever. When he backed away from me that night, I saw it all in his eyes, but it was too late. He wanted me to make the decision, as always, but...I just couldn’t. So, I walked away.
Then he crashed. I knew when Mic saw me crying at the rehearsal dinner, that he knew I loved Harm. But he was still holding out hope for me, hope that I just didn’t feel for us. When we found Harm, it was like a piece of my soul was restored. When Mic realized that it was Harm that made my life complete, he had left. I had lost another one. Why do I have that effect on everyone around me? Everyone leaves.
As much as it hurt to hear Harm say it, he was right when he told Sturgis everyone around me either dies or feels like they’re dead. It had to be just me. So, why should Harm be surprised that I’m pushing him away now? I know I told him we’d start over, back at the beginning, but it’s been harder than I thought it would be. I just can’t seem to let myself trust him completely again.
Now, for whatever reason, the Admiral’s been assigning us to a lot of cases together. I’ve worked with him more in the last three months than I have in the last two years. Not that I’m complaining really, it’s just that it’s so hard to look at him and not remember. Especially now that it’s just us again; no Mic and no Renee.
Today had been especially tough. We were sitting there, in the brig, trying to come up with the best possible solution to this case. As usual, we hadn’t agreed on anything, from strategy to the actual innocence of our client. One minute we’re standing there, toe to toe, nose to nose, the next his hands are caressing my face, closing the distance between us.
And then there was a knock on the door. We broke apart as if we had been burned, looking everywhere but at each other. We made it through the rest of the interviews and had split up for the rest of the evening. We’re sharing a room again on this assignment. That hasn’t happened in a long, long time. So, if I thought things were strained before, they are magnified about ten times now. I decided to stay in and order room service while Harm chose to go out. I have absolutely no idea where he went, or what he did, and I think I’d rather not know. He’s here now, he must have come in sometime after I had fallen asleep. Funny that I didn’t hear him, but I had been completely wrapped up in my dreams. Dreams that would never come true.
So, now here I stand, looking out the window of our shared room, and I can’t help but wonder why. Why did ‘later’ never come for us? Why can’t he see how badly I ache for him? Hell, maybe he can. But does it really matter anymore? Not really. It hasn’t mattered for a long, long time. I’m not the same person I was then.
Neither of us are. We’ll never be the same again.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Turn the lights back on
That trusting girl you knew is dead and gone
She's dead and gone
You've read The Road Less Traveled, you think you know everything
A little knowledge can be such a dangerous thing
If you'd look in the mirror I could tell you what you'd see
It'd be a real education, tuition's free
How could you just sit there all those years and watch me throw away
Everything I wanted and worked for and all the dreams I couldn't even say
Didn't it ever occur to you to once ask me why
I guess it didn't, and I think that's maybe worse than a lie
Turn the lights back on
She’s standing over at the window, looking so lost and helpless, and all I want to do is make love to her. That’s all I’ve ever wanted to do. She’s so beautiful, even with tears making tracks down her face. I know she’s hurting just as much as I am. I have never ached this badly for someone before. And the ache has always been there. Only for her.
I wonder if she still thinks about our night together. It’s all I ever think about anymore. I never meant to hurt her like I know I did. I was so scared in Russia. All of my feelings were raging around inside me. My love for a father I never really knew, my fight to hold on to the past, my love for Sarah Mackenzie, all of them warred for the top place in my heart. Of course I didn’t realize at the time that what I was really feeling for her was love. I didn’t realize it was love until Brumby so graciously pointed it out to me.
I just knew that I had never felt like that about anyone else, but I didn’t recognize it for what it really was. I was too busy trying to dig up the past. Do I regret finding out what happened to my father? No, I don’t. Do I regret pushing the most important person in my life away? Every day of my life.
I just couldn’t let myself get closer to her, she’d just be taken away from me too. That night I left her, convincing myself I didn’t need her, didn’t want her close to me. It was a lie, but I didn’t want to need her. If I didn’t let her close to me then I wouldn’t have to worry about losing her or risk...hurting us both. Right? Hindsight is 20/20. Pushing her away, sealed our fate. She thought I didn’t care about her at all, when nothing could have been further from the truth.
But I was hurting. I felt like I was dying inside and all I wanted to do was run. So, I did. I knew I should have stayed, I knew she was worried, but at the time I didn’t want to care. I left her sitting in our hotel room, alone and wondering, while I went out and drank, a lot. Then...well, I will never tell her what, exactly, I did that night. Mac would never forgive me. I staggered back to the room, and sat in the chair, just watching her sleep. And I have never felt more empty in my whole life.
When we got back home, I tried to distance myself, for both our sakes. I tried to tell myself that because we were never really ‘together,’ that I was never inside of her, that it didn’t mean anything. I told myself that I could go on pretending that it was just Mac, my partner and friend. But I just couldn’t do it. I was, and always will be...drawn to her. We still had our rhythm together at work, and things seemed to be okay between us. I had all but convinced myself that we would be all right, that we could forget what had happened between us that night. I was wrong. I couldn’t forget.
Then Bobbi came along. I have no reasonable explanation for me and Bobbi. I just...wanted her. An itch, more than anything else. She was there, she’s a powerful, attractive woman, and she wanted me. It was an ego stroking. When Mac showed up at my place, I had no idea how serious it was, but I should have with the way things had been between us. She wouldn’t have come to me if she didn’t really need me. But like the selfish bastard I am, I let her walk away so I could sleep with Bobbi. And that’s another decision I’ve had to live with everyday since then.
And then there was Chris and John Farrow. What a fucking mess. If she only would have told me...but then she had tried, hadn’t she? But not until it was too late. However, she had tried, and I had pushed her away. And by the time our friendship was back on track, along came Jordan.
When I look back on my relationship with Jordan, all I can think about was how much she WASN’T like Mac. Maybe that’s why I had latched on to her. Mac and I were starting to get close again, almost too close, and Jordan was the perfect opportunity for me to try to keep Mac at arms length. I just didn’t realize at the time that I was really using Jordan. When I finally figured that out, I felt like such an ass. I would have never done that on purpose to Jordan. When I realized what I was doing, that was when I finally decided to just leave her alone for good.
What tentative relationship Mac and I did have was completely shattered when I left her and JAG. I didn’t realize it at the time, but she really thought I was leaving her. It really had nothing to do with her; flying was what I wanted to do. Of course, as both of the ladies in my life had pointed out at the time, it should have had everything to do with them. But in all honesty, it didn’t. It was my dream. It’s what I wanted to do and I did it, and damn the consequences. It was in that time that I realized I couldn’t live without Sarah Mackenzie. I missed her so much.
Everyday I thought about her. What she was doing, what she was thinking, who she was with. Sure I missed the others too, but Mac plagued me. Why? Because I hadn’t heard a word from her in two months. Of course I didn’t make much of an effort to keep in touch with her either. Then I got an e-mail from her. It was so vague that I wasn’t even sure it was her and had to check the return just to make sure it was. It was just a ‘Hi. How are you?’ note with a goodbye at the end and that was it. Nothing personal at all. So, I kept it that way when I replied to her. When she came to the Patrick Henry, and I saw that she had been promoted, I was stunned. She hadn’t told me. I knew then that things were really bad, but I still ignored it. I would fix it later. Always, later...
Then, I decided I didn’t want to ignore it anymore. I had proved to myself and everyone else that I was still one of the best. I was ready to go home. Maybe then we’d get things right. But then there was Brumby. That God damn Australian was all over her. And she was letting him! By the time Australia rolled around, I didn’t know what to think. Oh sure, I knew Mac was trying to get my goat with the topless thing with Mic. She was trying to make me jealous. What pissed me off is that it worked. I was insanely jealous. But instead of letting it out, I locked it all up. If we were still at the playing games level, we were no where near ready to start a serious relationship. I wanted us to be on more solid ground before we took that leap. Hell, we weren’t even really friends anymore at that point.
But she didn’t really hear me that night in the harbor, and I guess I just took her for granted. I thought she would always be there, just like she always had been, waiting for me. But she wasn’t there anymore. She took his ring and made her decision and I had to live with it. And I did a damn good job of it...until her engagement party.
I never meant to tell her all of the things I told her. I never thought we’d ever have that conversation, but we did. And now we’ll never be the same. When I kissed her, I knew things between us had changed forever and there was no going back. But it was still her decision. And she made it. We went back in and I pretended to be happy. It wasn’t hard really. I had been doing it for over a year.
It was the night that Mic left her, the night she came to me, that I knew I didn’t want to fight her anymore. I finally knew that I wanted her with me. Not Renee but Mac. But again I put someone else first, duty and honor first, and lost another chance. All I could think about, the whole time I was with Renee at her father’s funeral, was getting back to Mac. Again, selfish bastard comes to mind, but I’ve accepted it. I can’t help it anymore when it comes to Mac. She’s the one I want.
Although, now she doesn’t want me. I tried to talk to her, but she pulled away from me this time. I can’t blame her. I wouldn’t want to give me a chance either. But that’s what she gave me at the Jagathon. After the total ass I had made of myself the week before the race, I was all prepared for her to tell me it was over, for good this time. But she didn't, and for the first time in two years my heart held out hope, real hope. But things have been far from easy and comfortable between us. Maybe that’s gone forever.
It’s been tough to be around her and not remember what it was like to feel her. To feel her skin under my fingertips. To remember the way her flesh felt pressed against mine. To remember how incredible she tasted. I can remember how it felt to glide my hands over her wet, soapy body; the clean taste of her sweet skin. And that’s all the memories I have. I can only imagine what it’s like to be inside of her, to feel her slick, moist heat surround me. I now know that I want to know what it feels like, what she feels like wrapped around me, more than anything else in the world.
Today had been the worst. We hadn’t worked together much in the last couple of years, but all of a sudden the Admiral is assigning us together again. Not that I’m complaining, mind you, I’m just surprised that’s all. Anyway, one minute we’re standing there arguing over...oh, hell I don’t even remember anymore. The next minute my hands are on her face, my fingers tangled in her hair, and my lips are lowering over hers. At that particular moment, there was a knock on the door. It was probably a good thing we were interrupted, because if we hadn’t been, who knows what would have happened.
That’s why when we were finished in the brig, I tried to stay away from her, to give her some space. I still don’t know if she’s ready, or if she even wants us anymore, but I know what I want. I want to get up and stand behind her. I want to wrap my arms around her and make all of the pain she’s feeling go away. I want to carry her back to my bed and make love to her forever.
I want Sarah Mackenzie, now and forever.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I can feel him behind me, his eyes on me, and I don’t know whether to turn toward him or stay hidden. There’s a million reasons why I should just walk back over to my bed and go back to sleep but I can’t. I don’t really want to.
"Mac?" I hear my name on his lips, and realize he’s not in bed anymore but directly behind me.
"Yes, Harm?" I ask tentatively, wiping the tears from my face with the back of my hand.
"Are you okay?" I hear the concern in his voice, and I don’t really know if I want to tell him the truth.
"Not really." It’s not much but at least it’s an honest answer.
That’s when I feel him. His arms wrap around me, holding me, giving me his strength. I’m not sure why but I let him. Oh, hell, I know why. I want to feel him again. I want him to touch me, even if it’s only this. I lean my head back against his chest and I can feel the racing of his heart. I’m sure mine matches the frantic beat of his.
"Why aren’t you asleep?" he questions gently.
"Couldn’t. I don’t know, I guess I just couldn’t shut off my mind."
"Anything you want to talk about, Mac?"
"Not really." I answer again.
"Is that the only answer I’m going to get out of you tonight?" Harm teases lightly.
Shrugging my shoulders in indifference, I quip, "Maybe, maybe not."
Chuckling, Harm leans into my neck and whispers, "Come on, Mac. Talk to me."
I’m hesitant to answer him, not knowing if he wants to know that I’m reliving our night together over in my mind. "I’m not sure you really want to know what I’m thinking about, Harm."
"I wouldn’t have asked if I didn’t want to know. Really, Mac. I still care about you. If we’re ever going to be close again, we need to trust each other. We need to talk." He sounds so sincere.
"Why? We never seem to hear what the other is saying, Harm. Why should we take the chance of hurting each other any more than we have already?"
"I know we’ve hurt each other. But please, Mac. I swear I’m listening now."
"Harm..." I start to move away from him. We can’t do this right now. I can’t risk it all again. Suddenly his nearness is overwhelming and I need to get away from him as fast as I can.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I reach for her, desperate to keep her next to me. She can’t walk away, not this time. "No, Mac, don’t. Please don’t walk away. Please let me touch you." My arms circle around her small frame once more, bringing her flush up against my body, the silk of her robe gliding over my skin as well as hers. I’m begging, and my voice sounds desperate, even to my own ears.
I feel the resistance in her body at first, fighting the emotions that I know are welling up inside her at my touch. With my lips pressed against her ear again I whisper, "What were you thinking about, Sarah?" I feel her shiver in my arms and my hands start to move over her abdomen, stroking across the silk. Again she trembles as her hands move to cover mine, trying to halt their movement.
"I was thinking about us." She seems slightly embarrassed by the admission, wanting to withdraw into her shell again.
I’m not going to let her. "What about us," I ask, my voice now a husky rumble in her ear.
I finally feel her relax completely. She’s stopped fighting me and I know that, no matter what happens next, we’ve made a step in the right direction.
"About our night together. About everything that’s happened since then."
It’s spoken so softly, any normal person wouldn’t have been able to hear it. But I’m so in tune with her, so wrapped up in her. Not only do I hear it, I feel her reaching out to me with her words deep down in my soul. "Mac..." With her name on my lips I reach for the knot on her robe, undoing it and parting the silky fabric to reveal the gown underneath. My lips begin nipping on the flesh right below her ear lobe, causing her to moan. I know how much she loves that.
"Harm, please...no..." She’s shaking her head no but her body is already responding to my touch. Looking down, I notice her nipples straining against the fabric of her nightgown, showing me just how much I affect her.
"I want you, Mac. I need you. Please..." My body is so incredibly tight, the tension overwhelming. I need to be inside this woman, right now.
She only hesitates for a moment. "Yes..." she finally relents, bringing my hands back to rest on her stomach.
For a moment I just rest them there, unmoving. However they don’t stay idle for long, tracing the contours of her torso. The flat plain of her stomach, the flair of her hips and up, until my palms come to rest on her breasts. That sexy moan escapes her lips again, and reflexively, my fingers close around her perfect globes, kneading their fullness. She arches her back, thrusting them deeper into my hands, and I know that she’s ready to move.
Letting go of her breasts, I grasp her shoulders, turning her around so she’s facing me. Both of our breathing is labored and I can feel the steady rise and fall of her chest against mine. Before either of us can change our minds, my lips come crashing down on hers, and I’m lost. My tongue invades her mouth, dueling with hers, and again I am amazed by how incredible this woman tastes. With my hands still on her shoulders, I move the small straps of her nightgown down her arms. She steps back slightly, letting the gown fall to the floor between us.
I have completely stopped breathing. She’s even more exquisite than I remembered.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I swear I had forgotten what it felt like to have him look at me that way. His eyes are devouring me, and I find myself wanting to be consumed. I want to feel all of him, everywhere, all at once. But he just stares, not touching me, not speaking. I wonder, not for the first time, if I’m making a huge mistake.
"Harm?" I don’t want to know if he’s sure but I have to.
"My God, Mac. You’re even more beautiful than I remember," he speaks, almost reverently.
I’m blushing. I can not believe after everything I’ve done with this man he still has the ability to make me blush. Mic always told me I was beautiful, but it never effected me the way it does coming from Harm. His words wash over me, sweeping me away. I sway slightly, leaning toward him, when finally I feel his hands touch my bare skin, steadying me. I feel like I’ve just been hit by lightening, there is that much electricity in his touch.
I need him so badly. "Harm, please make love to me."
"Oh God, yes, Mac." The next sensation I feel is Harm picking me up. The sudden movement takes me by surprise and I yelp slightly, grasping his shoulders so I won’t fall.
"It’s okay, baby. I’ve got you," he assures me and I know I don’t need to worry. His strong arms are wrapped around me and when I look into his eyes I know he’ll never let me fall, at least not physically. And physically I trust him. I always know my life is safe with him. It’s emotionally that still has me worried. But for right now, I’m going to put that fear aside. I’ll worry about my heart later.
He places me gently in the middle of his bed, then stands back to stare at me. I see everything he’s feeling, everything he’s thinking, and I shiver in anticipation of what lies ahead. I watch him as he drops his boxers, his erection springing free, and I am in awe of the male specimen before me. He’s changed since we did this last, but his body is still beautiful. He’s more mature now, his body filled out with age, and nowhere near the ‘stick boy’ I once accused him of being. I lick my lips, anxious to do all of the things to him I’ve only dreamed about doing for the last two and a half years. Too damn long.
He’s looking at me intently from the side of the bed, almost as if he’s asking permission. Leaning up on my elbow and crooking my finger at him I give him his invitation. "C’mere, Flyboy." That sexy smile that I love so much spreads across his handsome face and I feel the bed shift under his weight.
Our lips meet in the most explosively erotic kiss I have ever experienced in my life. His arm encircles my waist and crushes me against him while his tongue thoroughly ravages my mouth. I can feel his hardness pressing against my mound while his hand is fondling my ass, gripping me, pulling me even closer to him. My need for him overtakes me and I lift my leg, wrapping it around his hip, causing my slick folds to come in contact with his throbbing member. I groan as it slides deliciously against my clit, causing me to jerk in reaction. I know I’ll die if he doesn’t enter me soon. I’ve never needed anything, or anyone, like I need this with him.
Suddenly he pushes me and now I’m laying on my back, his body looming over me. I think he’s going to enter me, and my body reacts to the thought, when he switches gears on me. He starts placing slow, wet kisses along my jaw, on my chin, in the hollow of my throat. Next he moves on to the valley between my breasts, before taking a slight detour to one of my straining nipples. He doesn’t waste any time, sucking the incredibly hard bud into his mouth while his fingers roll and pinch the other.
He switches sides, lavishing the same attention to my other breast with his mouth. I absolutely love the way his mouth feels on me. I am so aroused right now that it wouldn’t take much to make me come. Then I feel his lips start the journey down my stomach, his hands on my thighs and I can’t help it. My body is arching towards his. I’m desperate. God, I need to feel his mouth on me.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
I’m almost there, right where I’ve wanted to be, for well over two, long years. I can hear the whisper of our bodies as they move against each other, skin to skin, and the sensation is like nothing I've ever felt before. I needed to do this, to concentrate on her and calm down a little, or my end would be over before we even get to the good stuff. I continue to move lower, her scent drawing me closer, and then I’m there. I can feel her tremble as I breathe against her wet folds. The sweet smell of her arousal is driving me crazy and I reach for her, trying to pull her closer to me, as my tongue just lightly touches her.
She draws up her knees, gently trapping my head. The inside of her thighs are so soft, and for a moment I lose focus, just wanting to relish in the feeling of where I am. I can barely hear her moaning my name, over and over, and I know that she’s begging. Slowly, ever so slowly, I spread her lips, blowing on her clit. She shivers and it only serves to turn me on even more. I’m teasing her, torturing her, but what sweet torture. But, to torture her means to deny myself. And I want to taste.
Without warning, my tongue plunges into her, tasting the sweetness that is Sarah Mackenzie. God she tastes even better than I remember. I’m lapping, drinking my fill, but I know that I’ll never get enough. She’s writhing and moaning in earnest now. Her hands have moved to her breasts, worrying both nipples in tandem. I try to watch her, but instead I concentrate on her clit, sucking, pulling her deeper into my mouth. While I concentrate on giving her all the pleasure I can, I feel her legs tighten, and her back arches up off of the bed while holding my head in place. Like I ever want to move from this spot.
But move I do. I work my way back up her body, kissing the super sensitive flesh as I go. Several times she shudders as I work my way up. When I finally reach her mouth, I’m taken by surprise when she reaches for me, kissing me full on the lips. I wrap her into my arms, molding her body against mine. We kiss for what seems like forever, making up for lost time, when suddenly she breaks away. We stare at each other, knowing what the next step is, but knowing it’s still a huge barrier to cross. "Mac, if you don’t want..."
Placing her fingers on my lips, she quietly rebukes me. "Harm, I do want. The question is, are you ready for this?"
"I’ve never wanted anything more in my life, Sarah," I reply emphatically, and it’s the truth.
I see it in her eyes, she believes me, the use of her given name solidifying it in her mind. "Well, in that case, Sailor, I guess the next question is do you have your supplies this time?" she teases.
"Yes, Ma’am." I’m prepared this time. She doesn’t need to know that I’ve carried around a condom with me ever since that night. Just in case. I never wanted to be caught without one on the off chance that Mac would ever...that the need would ever arise, so to speak. Now it has, and I mentally pat myself on the back for being diligent. Shifting slightly, I reach over to the nightstand by my bed. Opening the drawer, I reach in, my hand immediately coming in contact with the foil wrapped package. Plucking it out, I straighten, bringing the package in between our faces. "Supplies." I state lamely, blushing.
"I see that, Commander." In a move I never see coming, she pushes me onto my back and straddles my stomach. Looking down at me from her perch, Mac laughs that throaty, sexy laugh I love so much. Then she snatches the condom out of my hand, waving it back and forth in front of me.
"You enjoying yourself, Marine?" I ask, waiting to see what she has in store for me next. I love this strong, sexy, in control side of her. I realize that’s what I’ve missed the most about her. That part of this woman has been dead and gone for a long time now. Now I see it again for the first time in a long time and I know that it’s because of me. I feel that surge of male pride travel through my body and settle right in my groin. She feels it too, and slides ever so slowly, down my stomach. Sitting across my thighs, I watch as Mac grasps my cock in her hand, pumping me until the first drops of liquid appear at the tip. "Oh, Mac..." I manage to groan in pleasure. In a move reminiscent of the past, Mac circles the tip of my cock with her thumb, removing the drops, before sucking her thumb into her mouth.
"Mac...oh God, baby, I need you." I am so painfully aroused, I don’t know how much longer I can wait. The fragile control I have on my body is on the verge of snapping and I try to reach for her but she’s too fast. Pushing me back once more, Mac takes the condom out of the package, tossing the wrapper aside. Making sure I’m watching her every move, Mac holds my eyes, before placing the latex on the tip of my erection. Her lips close around me, and by some miracle, Mac rolls the condom on with her mouth.
"Oh yes..." Her mouth on me feels so fucking amazing, and somewhere in my passion induced haze, I think to myself that I should ask her where she learned to do that, then think better of it. I don’t really think I want to know.
I feel her suck her way back up my cock, and I know I can’t wait any longer. "Mac, please..."
Then my world turns upside down as Mac slowly takes me into her body. "Oh Jesus, Mac."
"Oh, Harm..." I feel her start to ride me, my hips thrusting up to meet hers, and the pleasure is so intense. She’s panting, her breasts bouncing with every movement of her body and mine, and I am transfixed by the incredible beauty of this woman. I want to kiss her, I need to kiss her again. As if sensing my need, Mac bends down over me, her mouth meeting mine. Our bodies continue to race toward that peak and just before I’m there, I reach out to her, seeking out her hands, weaving our fingers together.
Finally we break apart, needing air, and I use the opportunity to try to tell her how I feel. "Sarah...I..." I try but the words just aren’t there to describe everything I’m feeling. But she seems to understand. With our hands still joined, she raises them above my head on the pillow, causing her breasts to rub against my chest, as she continues ride me toward the edge.
"Together," she whispers, and there is more feeling in that one word than all of the flowery speeches I could ever come up with. Again, I realize how incredibly lucky I am to have someone in my life who understands me the way she does.
We look into each others eyes, searching each others souls, and I know that we are truly joined, in body and in spirit. I feel her body start to come apart around me, calling out for me to come with her, and I feel my own body already answering her. My last conscious thought, before I feel my body explode into hers and scream out her name, is that I know I will love her forever.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Turn the lights back on
That trusting girl you knew is dead and gone
She's dead and gone
I was deaf dumb and blind when I came to you
I trusted you, you said I was supposed to
But you couldn't understand me, you couldn't even see
Your hand before your face, much less me
So you told me all this stuff about you, pretended it was about me
And I'd have been better off with nothing
Turn the lights back on
I wake up and she’s wrapped around me, her body almost a part of mine. I can smell her hair as her head rests near mine on my pillow. Then my hand starts to run over her thigh, like it has a mind of it's own, and I can feel myself falling all over again.
My fingertips are dancing lightly over her skin, and before I know it, my hand is slipping between her thighs. I feel her body’s automatic response to my touch, and I can feel myself getting hard again. I start to kiss her awake, so that she can feel what she does to me. She’s still wet from our previous lovemaking and my fingers seek out her moist heat.
That’s when I feel her hands mirror mine, grasping my cock in the palm of her hand, while my hand slides into her, pinching and pulling her clit, rolling it between my fingers. I’m so close already but I want her to come too, so I increase my speed, rubbing back and forth, faster and faster. She sighs, stretching out against me, as her hips start to move against my hand. Harder and faster she moves as my fingers slide in and out of her, and our mouths mesh together, as she rocks against me. I think I could come just from kissing her, her tongue feels so amazing, like it’s always belonged there. Her breasts brush against my chest and our nipples touch, hardness against hardness. All it takes is for me to whisper "come for me" and she’s spasming around my fingers, sucking my tongue farther into her mouth, as I take her tumbling over the edge again.
I’ve been hungry for the taste of us, together, for so long. I look into her eyes once more as I bring my hand up, still wet from her juices, and slowly lick my fingers one by one. Then she brings my hand to her lips, lightly brushing, taking one of my fingers deep into her mouth. Slowly she slides them in, in and out, tasting herself on my skin, and I know that I have been branded. My body is on fire.
"Mac, I need you again, but...I don’t...I don’t have..." I’m fumbling through an explanation. I want to be inside of her again but I don’t have anything else with me.
"Shhhh...it’s okay. I’ve got this one covered, Navy."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Getting up, I move over to my bag, reaching into the side pocket. I pull out the items I’m looking for and head directly back to his bed. I have absolutely no intention of telling him that I’ve kept condoms with me ever since that night, in the hope that someday he might change his mind and want me again. Again, fear assaults me that this is just for tonight, that this doesn’t really mean to him what it means to me. And once again I force those fears aside. It’s just us right now, it’s just this thing between us, and I’m determined to take whatever I can get.
He’s laying there watching me move with the most incredible look on his face, and all at once I feel more love than I’ve ever felt and no words have been spoken. Climbing onto the bed beside him, I hold the package up between us. Mimicking his earlier explanation, I utter, "Reinforcements." The sound of his laughter rumbles through the room, flowing over me, and I realize that this is what I’ve missed about him. He hasn’t laughed like this, with me, in a long time. He always looked so sad, but now he seems so happy. I smile back at him, knowing that I’m the reason for his joy, and I know that things are different now between us.
When he enters me this time, it’s slow and sensuous, a coupling meant to heal and bind us closer together. One that is meant to leave no doubt about exactly where we stand with each other.
But now, laying here beside him while he sleeps, wrapped in his strong arms once more, the fear and dread are back. I don’t want to worry, I don’t want to be scared...but I am. For so long everything I’ve known has been a lie. I trusted in a supposed truth that was just an illusion. I saw the love in his eyes last night, or at least thought I did, but I’ve never heard the words. How will I ever really know how he feels? Maybe I don’t really want to know. I want to feel wonderful about what happened here tonight, and in a way, I do.
But then there is also that part of me that wants to hide. If he doesn’t love me the way I love him...I’d be better off alone. What if this was just loneliness on his part? I’m not totally stupid where men are concerned. I know that most of the time their needs out-rule their common sense. Why now? Why does he really want me now? I have so many questions. We have so much to work out, so much to talk about. We never did really talk tonight.
So many times I wanted to shout out the words to him, but that bold part of me is just not there anymore. I’ve lived without it for so long. It’s been dead and gone for a long time. Why can’t I trust him completely? I’ve been hiding in the dark, hoping that he’ll be fooled by the magic show I’ve been putting on for the world to see. That I’m just fine by myself. I thought being in the dark would help me to hide my fears, my feelings, that they would be easier to deal with. And in the dark I don’t have to see what’s right in front of me, I don’t have to take the chance. But now, after tonight, I want to see the light again. I only hope that Harm can turn the light back on inside me. I want to live again.
Why?
Because I love him.
.*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Turn the lights back on
That trusting girl you knew is dead and gone
She's dead and gone