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Caillou Arture Moran was born on April 9, 2001 at 34 weeks gestation. He was 4 lbs 15 oz. I had been on bedrest for over 6 months due to a cerclage placed in at 13 weeks due to an incompetent cervix. We had previously lost our little girl, Violet Ismey at 21 weeks back in 1999. Caillou ended up being in the hospital for one week just to grow a little and learn how to eat. I'm not sure exactly how big he had gotten, but I know he was in size 2 diapers, so he was probably over 12 lbs. We called him our little "chunky monkey". He was our miracle baby.
Sunday night was just perfect. I gave both our boys a bath. Rory who is 3 was first, then Caillou. All four of us took part in giving him the bath, even big brother, Rory. I breast fed Caillou and he fell asleep. I unlatched him and he was still sucking as if he was still eating and I held him for a few minutes more. I laid him down to sleep in his crib. Then we all went to bed.
I was awoken at 6:45 am. Jake needed to get up to go to work and I realized the baby hadn't woken up yet. I sent him in to check on him and thank God that I did. The next thing I heard over the monitor was Jake saying "Oh God! No!" I ran into his room and he was blue, lifeless. I just screamed "NO! NO!" I called 911 and Jake tried CPR. I don't even know when Rory got up, but later Jake told me that he leaned over the crib and saw Caillou.
My perfect baby was gone. Some reason, God wanted him for some other purpose. Or maybe, God gave us him as a gift to spend those three months with him. I will never know until I am reunited with him in heaven.
This hurts so bad. I miss him so much. He was always so happy. We had our perfect family. I can't help but feel I let him down - like maybe he was crying out for me, but I couldn't hear him through the monitor. Maybe if I wouldn't have left the thick blanket underneath him. They say he didn't, but I just can't shake the feeling I have that he suffocated to death. That I could have prevented this. I just pray that God will help me through this.
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