jokes

Women tend to think they already know everything, but wait...
Training courses are now available for women on the following subjects:
1. Silence, the Final Frontier: Where No Woman Has Gone Before
2. The Undiscovered Side of Banking: Making Deposits
3. Parties: Going Without New Outfits
4. Man Management: Minor Household Chores Can Wait Till After The Game
5. Bathroom Etiquette I: Men Need Space in the Bathroom Cabinet Too
6. Bathroom Etiquette II: His Razor is His
7. Communication Skills I: Tears - The Last Resort, not the First
8. Communication Skills II: Thinking Before Speaking
9. Communication Skills III: Getting What you Want Without Nagging
10. Driving a Car Safely: A Skill You CAN Acquire
11. Telephone Skills: How to Hang Up
12. Introduction to Parking
13. Advanced Parking: Backing Into a Space
14. Water Retention: Fact or Fat
15. Cooking I: Bringing Back Bacon, Eggs and Butter
16. Cooking II: Bran and Tofu are Not for Human Consumption
17. Cooking III: How not to Inflict Your Diets on Other People
18. Compliments: Accepting Them Gracefully
19. PMS: Your Problem . . . Not His
20. Dancing: Why Men Don't Like To
21. Classic Clothing: Wearing Outfits You Already Have
22. Household Dust: A Harmless Natural Occurrence Only Women Notice
23. Integrating Your Laundry: Washing It All Together
24. Oil and Gas: Your Car Needs Both
25. TV Remotes: For Men Only

HAVE SOME FUN

?    ** HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT A WOMAN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT **
? She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
? She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
? She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
? She is not DUMB- She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY
? She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
? She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
? She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
? She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
? She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.         She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
? She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
? She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
? She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

? ** HOW TO SPEAK ABOUT MEN AND BE POLITICALLY CORRECT **
? He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY
? He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
? He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
? He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
? He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
? He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK - He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
? He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
? He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY    ? He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED

Chinese Proverbs:

1 Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
2 Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
3 He who walk through airport door sideways going toBangkok.
4 Boy who go to sleep with stiff problem wake up with solution in hand.
5 Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
6 Girl who sit on jockeys lap get hot tip.
7 Girl who sits on Judge's lap gets honorable discharge.
8 Lady who go camping must beware of evil intent.
9 Man who keep feet firmly on ground have trouble putting on pants.
10 Man who stand on street corner with hands in pockets, not feeling crazy,
feeling nuts.
11 Squirrel who runs up woman's leg not find nuts.
12 He who run behind bus get exhausted.
13 Man who leap off cliff jump to conclusion.
14 Man with tight trousers is pressing his luck.
15 He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.

One night, as a couple lay down for bed, the husband gently taps his wife on the shoulder and starts rubbing her arm. The wife turns over and says: "I'm sorry honey, I've got a gynaecologist appointment tomorrow and I want to stay fresh." The husband, rejected, turns over and tries to sleep. A few minutes later, he rolls back over and taps his wife again. This time he whispers in her ear: "Do you have a dentist appointment tomorrow too?"

A beautiful young blonde woman boards a plane to New York with a ticket for the economy section. She looks at the seats in economy and then looks into the forward cabin at the first-class seats. Seeing that the first-class seats appear to be much larger and more comfortable, she moves forward to the last empty one. The flight attendant checks her ticket and tells the woman that her seat is in economy. The blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York" Flustered, the flight attendant goes to the cockpit and informs the captain of the blonde problem. The captain goes back and tells the woman that her assigned seat is in economy. Again, the blonde replies, "I'm young, blonde and beautiful, and I'm going to sit here all the way to New York" The captain doesn't want to cause a commotion, and so returns to the cockpit to discuss the blonde problem with the co-pilot. The co-pilot says that he has a blonde girlfriend, and that he can take care of the problem. He then goes back and briefly whispers something in the blonde's ear. She immediately smiles and gets up, says, "Thank you so much," hugs the co-pilot, and rushes back to her seat in the economy section. The pilot and flight attendant, who were watching with rapt attention, together ask the co-pilot what he said to the woman. He replied, "I just told her that the first class section isn't going to New York."

Mr Cadbury and Ms Rowntree went off for the weekend... It was After Eight. She was from Quality Street and he was a Fishermans Friend. On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar. He had a Rum and Butter and she had a Wine Gum. He asked her name. She said Polo, I'm the one with the hole. But I'm the one with the Nuts he thought. Then he touched her Milky Way. They checked in and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic. It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt the contrast of her Double Deckers. Then he showed her his Curly Wurly. But Ms Rowntree wasn't keen as she already had a few Jelly Babies, So she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge nudging. It was a Magic Moment as she let out of scream of Turkish Delight. When he came out his Fun Sized Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more but he decided to take a Time Out. However, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetising. So he did a Twirl and had a Picnic in her Sherbert. At the same time he gave her a Gob Stopper. Unfortunately Mr Cadbury had to go home to his wife Caramel. Sadly, he was soon to discover he had caught V.D. It turns out Ms Rowntree had a Box of Assorted Creams. She really had been with All Sorts.

A businessman boards a flight and is lucky enough to be seated next to an absolutely gorgeous woman. They exchange brief hellos and he notices she is reading a manual about sexual statistics. He asks her about it and she replies, "This is a very interesting book about sexual statistics. It identifies that American Indians have the longest average penis and Polish men have the biggest average diameter. By the way, my name is Jill. What's yours?" He coolly replies, "Tonto Kawalski, nice to meet you."

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

A small white guy goes into an elevator, when he gets in he notices a huge black dude standing next to him. The big black dude looks down upon the small white guy and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, Turner Brown" The small white guy faints!! The big black dude picks up the small white guy and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and asks the small white guy. "What's wrong?". The small white guy says; "Excuse me but what did you say?". The big black dude looks down and says " 7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch dick, 3 pound left ball, 3 pound right ball, my name is Turner Brown." The small white guy says, "Thank god, I thought you said 'Turn around. '"

A man was visiting his wife in hospital where she has been in a coma for several years. On this visit he decides to rub her left breast instead of just talking to her. On doing this she lets out a sigh. The man runs out and tells the doctor who says this is a good sign and suggests he should try rubbing her right breast to see if there is any reaction. The man goes in and rubs her right breast and this brings a moan. From this, the doctor suggests that the man should go in and try oral sex, saying he will wait outside as it is a personal act and he doesn't want the man to be embarrassed. The man goes in then comes out about five minutes later, white as a sheet and tells the doctor his wife is dead. The doctor asks what happened to which the man replies: "She choked."

"Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual." @ A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." @ A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's crosseyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's crosseyed? " "No, because he's really heavy" @ Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside "How's that?" "Don't you start" @"Doctor, I can't pronounce my F's, T's and H's." "Well you can't say fairer than that then" @ Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom! @ What's brown and sounds like a bell? DUNG @ What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh. @ So I went to the dentist. He said "Say Aaah." I said "Why?" He said "My dog's died.'" @ "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'" @ "So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said 'Is that the local swimming baths?' He said 'It depends where you're calling from.'" @ "So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said 'I'm not stopping you.' @ Two Aerials meet on a roof fall in love get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant. @ Man goes to the doc, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it." @ Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother HoChaChu. But I think it's Colin. @ So I was in my car, and I was driving along, and my boss rang up, and he said 'You've been promoted.' And I swerved. And then he rang up a second time and said "You've been promoted again.' And I swerved again. He rang up a third time and said 'You're managing director.' And I went into a tree. And a policeman came up and said 'What happened to you?' And I said "I careered off the road." @ Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought 'This is unusual'. And the dentist said to me 'Mr Vine, get out of the filing cabinet.' @ So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.' @ Two fat blokes in a pub, one says to the other "your round." The other one says "so are you, you fat bast**d!" @Two cannibals eating a clown. One says to the other "Does this taste funny to you?" @ Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off. @ "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice." @ A man walked into the doctors, The doctor said " I haven't seen you in a long time " The man replied "I know I've been ill" @ A man walked into the doctors, he said "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said "well don't go there any more" @ I had a ploughman's lunch the other day. He wasn't very happy. @ My dog was barking at everyone the other day. Still, what can you expect from a crossbreed. @ I was driving down the motorway with my bird the other day when we both got a bit frisky and decided to do something about it. So we decided we'd take the next exit, but it was a turnoff. @ I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. @ I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years." "Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together." "I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as jaybirds fifty years ago." "Well," Granny snickered, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied, "My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago." "I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee and the other is in your oatmeal!!!!

A man had great tickets for the FA cup final. As he sits down, another man comes down and asks if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him. "No," he says. "The seat is empty." "This is incredible!" said the man. "Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the cup final, the biggest sporting event in Britain, and not use it?" He says, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. My wife was supposed to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Cup Final we haven't been to together since we got married." "Oh ... I'm sorry to hear that. That's terrible. But couldn't you find someone else - a friend or relative, or even a neighbour -to take the seat?" The man shakes his head. "No. They're all at the funeral."

A guy walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He puts the alligator up on the bar. He turns to the astonished patrons. "I'll make you a deal. I'll open this alligator's mouth and place my genitals inside. Then the gator will close his mouth for one minute. He'll then open his mouth and I'll remove my unit unscathed. In return for witnessing this spectacle, each of you will buy me a drink." The crowd murmured their approval. The man stood up on the bar, dropped his trousers, and placed his privates in the alligator's open mouth. The gator closed his mouth as the crowd gasped. After a minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and rapped the alligator hard on the top of its head. The gator opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and the first of his free drinks were delivered. The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $100 who's willing to give it a try". A hush fell over the crowd. After a while, a hand went up in the back of the bar. A woman timidly spoke up. "I'll try, but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle".

A young man walks up and sits down at the bar. "What can I get you?" the bartender inquires. "I want 6 shots of Jagermeister, "responded the young man. "6 shots?!? Are you celebrating something?" "Yeah, my first blowjob." "Well, in that case, let me give you a 7th on the house." "No offence, sir. But if 6 shots won't get rid of the taste, nothing will."

A man is in a hotel lobby. He wants to ask the clerk a question. As he turns to go to the front desk, he accidentally bumps into a woman beside him and as he does, his elbow goes into her breast. They are both startled and he says, "Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, I know you'll forgive me." She replies, "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I'm in room 1221."

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