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| Snappy Memorable Kyle and Tess dialogue. |
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LIZ: Can we talk? KYLE: About what? LIZ: Well, I saw you with that new girl, Tess. KYLE: Oh, man! What a knockout, huh? Can�t beat a blonde. Oh, sorry. *~*~*~*~* KYLE: So...ancient languages� what does this have to do with our English assignment? TESS: Absolutely nothing. KYLE: I was hoping you�d say that. TESS: There�s just this one book I need for my history class. KYLE: Well, what do you say we start speaking the most ancient language known to man? TESS: I think it�s on the top shelf. Would you mind helping me up? I�ve almost got it. KYLE: So, what language is this? TESS: It�s a lost language. KYLE: Then no one will mind if we don�t find it. TESS: Time to go. KYLE: But we just got here. ________________________________________________________ From "Ask Not" (episode 202): (Morning at the Valenti household...Kyle's alarm goes off and he rolls out of bed and immediately does some pushups) KYLE: 2...3... (Kyle walks out of his bedroom, looks around, and does a double take as he sees Tess sleeping on the couch) KYLE: Dad! TESS: Morning. KYLE: Yes, morning. What the hell are you doing here? TESS: I live here. (Tess looks at Kyle's boxers) TESS: Calvin Klein. I approve. KYLE: Dad! *~*~*~*~* (Kyle strolls into his room to find Tess on his bed reading one of his magazines) KYLE: Hey. This is my room and that's my jersey. TESS: Sorry. (Tess starts to take off Kyle's jersey) KYLE: No! All right, look. You wear it. TESS: Kind of uptight about nudity, aren't you, for a guy who reads Jugs? KYLE: Give me that! TESS: Oh...the post-its? Nice touch. KYLE: All right. Ok, listen. I don't know how you do things on planet Vulcan or whatever, but here on Earth we have this primitive human concept called privacy. TESS: Keep talking to me like that and I'll slag you with my death-ray eyes. (Kyle looks a bit uncertain) TESS: Kidding. You Buddhists have, like, no sense of humor. KYLE: How do you know about that? TESS: "Buddhism for Beginners" is also under your bed. How do you think the Buddha would feel about being sandwiched between Hustler and Busty Biker Babes? KYLE: Look, you can't tell anyone about that. TESS: Why? KYLE: Because I have a certain reputation. TESS: Of which, the less said the better. KYLE: I'm serious. TESS: Kyle Valenti, Buddhist. KYLE: Look, I got into it over the summer... TESS: At football camp. They're crazy about it. KYLE: Listen! This...this whole aliens-are-among-us thing...it really screwed me up...made me question stuff...life, reality, my place in this universe...and you don't understand. You...you guys...you people turned my life upside down. I need a little clarity. I need a little peace of mind. TESS: No, I don't understand. I'm a girl from another planet. No family, no friends. Only 3 other people like me in the world. And the man I grew up with...the man who raised me...he was just murdered. You're right, Kyle. What would I know about needing peace of mind? (Tess leaves the room and Kyle is taken aback by her comments. He didn't realize she might be going through the same thing he is) KYLE: Sorry. *~*~*~*~* (Kyle enters the Crashdown and motions for Tess to walk over to him) TESS: Uh-oh. (Tess walks over to Kyle) TESS: So what have I done now? KYLE: You know my...my father does consider this to be a very temporary arrangement. You understand that? TESS: Sure. KYLE: All right. So in that case, I just wanted to tell you that I moved all my crap out of the room. You can have it. I'll sleep on the couch or something. TESS: You didn't have to. KYLE: It's not a big deal. Uh, material possessions only clutter the mind anyway. TESS: You tell 'em, Buddha boy. KYLE: All right. I'll see ya. TESS: Hey. Thanks. ________________________________________________________________________ From "Surprise" (episode 203): (Back in the main Crashdown area, Kyle is complaining to his buddies about Tess) KYLE: Seriously. So, she's got her underwear and her bras and her girlie things all over the bathroom. Every time I go in to shave, I feel like I'm walking into Victoria's Secret. MICHAEL: So what's not to like? ISABEL: Kyle, where is Tess? KYLE: She went to Jensen's to get your present. Anyway, she's taken over television, the computer, my phone. If some chick's gonna be yelling at me about keeping the toilet seat down, she better at least be doing me. (Mrs. Evans walks by and reacts to Kyle's last words) KYLE: Doing me...a favor. ________________________________________________________________________ From "The End of the World" (episode 205): (Switch to Kyle's room in the Valenti household. Tess takes off a poster on the wall and starts using her power to wipe away part of the wall) KYLE: I thought I told you I didn't want you doing that bewitched crap in the house. TESS: Out of my room. KYLE: It's my room! TESS: You...you know what? Just...just forget it. I'm sick of this place, and I'm sick of Max Evans. KYLE: Don't toy with me. TESS: I never asked to be his mate. He thinks I'm just gonna wait around until he comes to terms with his destiny? Well, I'm not. He can figure it out on his own. They all can. You know, they didn't even know where the pod chamber was until I came along. I hate this life. I feel better. KYLE: You look really great when you're pissed. TESS: Yeah, right. KYLE: No, I'm serious. I feel, like, all this energy coming from you right now. In order to trim the lamp of wisdom, we must attend to our bodily needs. TESS: Let me tell you something, Buddha-boy...I got a lamp that needs some serious trimming. (The doorbell rings. Kyle goes to answer it. It's Liz. She's wants to talk to Tess) LIZ: Hi. KYLE: Well, you here for a reason, or you just rushed right over 'cause you sensed I might be experiencing some actual joy? LIZ: Oh, uh, actually, I need to talk to Tess. TESS (to Kyle): We'll finish trimming my lamp later. KYLE: Right. I'll keep my equipment on the ready. ________________________________________________________________________ From "A Roswell Christmas Carol" (episode 210): (Tess comes back from shopping and sits down on a foot rest in front of the TV. Sheriff Valenti and Kyle continue to watch the football game by glancing around her) TESS: It is a zoo out there. God, every store is packed with desperate people trying to find the perfect present. Oh, and the streets are loaded with overzealous people singing. And then, there's all these insane people dragging Christmas trees on top of their cars. SHERIFF VALENTI & KYLE: Oh!!! KYLE: Whoo! Oh! SHERIFF: Hoo hoo hoo hoo! TESS: But, clearly, you guys don't bother with Christmas trees. KYLE: We've got ours out in the garage. Plastic. TESS: Oh. Oh, well, I guess there's...no hurry to bring it into the house then. SHERIFF: Well, actually, we haven't brought it in for a few years. KYLE: We like it in the garage. I use it to dry my socks. SHERIFF: Good. Second down. Second down, here we go. Come on. Come on. Visualize. TESS: Oh, and about Christmas dinner. I hope you guys aren't planning some big... KYLE: We usually hit the Crashdown for turkey. SHERIFF: $7.95 - all you can eat. TESS: Great. You know, I don't celebrate Christmas anyway. SHERIFF: Great. Oh, yes. KYLE: Yes. Yes! SHERIFF: Yes! Ohhhhhhhhhhhh! KYLE: Whoo! SHERIFF: Ha ha ha! *~*~*~*~* (Switch to the Valenti home where Tess is finishing up on setting the table. Sheriff Valenti and Kyle are, of course, sitting on the couch watching TV) TESS: Ok. I think we're just about ready. Oh, Kyle, could you grab 2 more dining room chairs. I looked in the garage, but I couldn't find any. KYLE: Oh, that's 'cause there aren't any. TESS: Uh, what do you mean? KYLE: Uh, we don't have any other chairs. TESS: All we have are 2 chairs? Um, doesn't that seem a little odd to you? SHERIFF: Well, we used to have more chairs, but over the years, our collection has dwindled. TESS: So it doesn't bother you that there are only 2 chairs in the entire house? SHERIFF: We usually eat in front of the TV. KYLE: He's never gonna pick up this spare. Come on, look within, you putz. SHERIFF: Guy's amazing. TESS: I have been cooking for 20 hours, while you two have been sitting back on the couch like 2 beached whales, not even noticing or caring that I am living here. Ok. I am here. Hello. Hello? So, since I'm living here, I should have a damn chair to sit in! SHERIFF: We could bring my desk chair over. KYLE: Good idea. TESS: Oh, and, uh, where's Amy De Luca going to sit? SHERIFF: Amy De Luca? Why does Amy De Luca need a place to sit? TESS: Because...I invited her over to dinner. SHERIFF: You what? TESS: Well, I figured if we had a guest, you two would have to shut off the damn TV and pretend to be civilized. SHERIFF: When is she coming? (The doorbell rings) TESS: Uh, about now, actually. SHERIFF: Oh, my God. No, no, no, no. Shh...ooh, no! Come on, now. Don't do this to me. Come on. Help me out, will you? Don't ever invite somebody over to dinner without telling me first. Ah! Jeez Louise. Oh! Jeez. (Sheriff Valenti quickly cleans up a bit as best he can. He throws the bag of chips into the kitchen and tucks in his shirt. Kyle is busy sweeping away the chips on the coffee table. Sheriff Valenti takes a deep sigh just before opening the door) SHERIFF: Amy. AMY: Hi, Jim. Hi, everyone. It was so nice of you to think of me, Jim, and I loved your note. SHERIFF: My note... AMY: I miss you, too. *~*~*~*~* (Tess brings another dish to the table) KYLE: Is that 3-cheese potato gratin? TESS: With bacon on the bottom. Your favorite. (Tess heads back to the kitchen and Kyle stares at her for a moment) Snipped (Kyle goes to the kitchen to help Tess) KYLE: So you need me to carve that? TESS: I got it. Thanks. (Tess uses her power to slice up the turkey) KYLE: Well, so this...this is really, uh...this is really great. TESS: Well, I saw a break in the NFL schedule between the 22nd and 24th of December, so I figured... KYLE: Right. Well, this is the best Christmas dinner we've had in a long time. I mean, 2 guys living alone. We just never really had the Christmas spirit. (Sheriff Valenti and Amy are laughing in the other room) TESS: Well, it, uh, looks like he's got the spirit now. KYLE: That's a really great gift that you gave him...to both of us, I mean. TESS: This is a great gift to me, too. (Tess brings the turkey out to the table) AMY: Oh... SHERIFF: Ooh... TESS: There we go! Enjoy, ok? (Kyle looks at the scene in the dining room and smiles) ________________________________________________________________________ From "To Serve and Protect" (episode 211): (Change to Crashdown. Tess is having breakfast with Kyle. She pours Tabasco sauce on her waffles with whip cream and strawberries, and in her orange juice.) KYLE: That�s a very alien thing, isn�t it? The very sweet, very spicy? TESS: Uh huh. KYLE: Can I try a bite? TESS: You won�t like it. KYLE: Oh, I hope not. (Kyle takes a taste) KYLE: Oh my God. TESS: I told you. KYLE: No, no, no. It�s not completely horrible. It�s almost tasty. TESS: Oh well, here. Have some more. KYLE: No, no, I can�t. This is so wrong. I�m not ready for this. TESS: Not ready for what? KYLE: For the change. Not ready to be, like, a half-human, half-alien freakazoid. TESS: Uh, we prefer the term �hybrids�. KYLE: I�m serious. Look, I never bargained for this. One minute I�m a normal guy with my whole life ahead of me the next thing I know, Max Evans transmogrifies me into something not-of-this-Earth. TESS: Whoa, whoa, trans-what? KYLE: Look, I never asked for this. TESS: Well, I suppose he could have let you die. Is that what you want? KYLE: If I had died, I would have transcended the mortal plane and been reincarnated into the next stage of my life. TESS: Reincarnated as what, exactly? KYLE: Like, just another person or animal, maybe. TESS: An animal? Like, you could have ended up a gopher or something! KYLE: Look, we�re getting off the point. I really need some help. TESS: What do you want from me? I don�t know what�s going to happen to you. You know, maybe nothing will happen. Or maybe you could develop superpowers and start flying all over Roswell in a big cape. I don�t know! (Kyle reaches for Tess� waffles.) KYLE: Could I have another- TESS: No! *~*~*~*~* (Valenti living room. Kyle is sitting in front of the TV, which is off. He tries out his alien powers by raising his hand toward the screen. Tess walks up behind him and sees what he is doing, so she picks up the remote control and turns the TV on.) KYLE: Oh God, jeez. (Tess laughs quietly to herself and Kyle tries again.) KYLE: Channel 15. (Tess changes the channel with the remote.) KYLE: Channel 23 (Tess changes the channel) KYLE: Unscrambled porn. (Tess changes again, and Kyle jumps up in triumph.) KYLE: I have become - (he turns and sees Tess behind him.) an idiot. TESS: Oh, but a cute one. Hey... (Tess tosses the remote to Kyle) ________________________________________________________________________ From "We Are Family" (episode 212): (Switch to the grocery store. Kyle and Tess are shopping and they overhear some old ladies badmouthing Sheriff Valenti) KYLE: Grab me some Skittles. TESS: Hmm? KYLE: No, you're not dumping this stuff on the candy. TESS: Yes, I am. Snipped *~*~*~*~* Snipped (Kyle leaves the office and takes a look at the paper. It does look like a report card. Suddenly, the print starts to fade away. We see Tess waiting for him in the hallway) KYLE: Oh! What are you doing here? TESS: I figured you might need a little help. KYLE: Don't ever use your mind freeze. TESS: Warp. KYLE: Whatever! Your creepy powers on me again! All right? Off limits! TESS: You know, a simple thanks for saving my butt would be quite sufficient. KYLE: I mean it. (Kyle and Tess leave) *~*~*~*~* (Switch to the Valenti home. Kyle is looking around for something in the kitchen) TESS: There's meat loaf in the bottom drawer. KYLE: I found it. TESS: My stuff's packed. I'll be gone after school. KYLE: What? TESS: Last night, when you said we'd moved in and taken over your life, I realized you were talking about me. I'm sorry I over stayed my welcome. KYLE: Tess...don't leave. TESS: It's ok, you know? You have the right to protect your family. KYLE: You're part of the family I was trying to protect. As far as I can see, you're the only good thing about having an alien in my life. TESS: Kyle? KYLE: What? TESS: You're definitely my favorite human. KYLE: Yeah, well...you're my favorite Martian. ________________________________________________________________________ From "Viva Las Vegas" (episode 215): (Tess is walking down the hall, and Kyle catches up with her) KYLE: Hey, hey, hey. Even though you held out on me, I'll cover with Dad, in exchange for a dime on black. TESS: Did somebody step on your head in gym? KYLE: Hey, knock it off. I'm talking about your "Martians-only" field trip to Vegas. TESS: I don't know what you're talking about, but I'm not going to Vegas. KYLE: Oh, maybe it's a surprise. (They pass Maria, who's looking in another direction) KYLE: Max and Michael are organizing the whole thing. TESS: Really? Where did you hear that. ________________________________________________________________________ From "Heart of Mine" (episode 216): (Scene changes to Tess's room, Kyle knocks to come in.) TESS: Oh Kyle, hey. KYLE: Hey. TESS: What's up? KYLE: Last year, I went to the prom with Trudy MacIntire. TESS: Oh Trudy, she's cute. KYLE: Yeah, and so we went, and everything was okay, but I didn't really know her, ah, so we didn't really have much to talk about, much to say to each other. And so I realized that I feel like I really know you. Which is unusual for me with girls and uh, anyway, I just... feel free to say no, or laugh or be outraged or whatever, but would you... want to go to the prom? You know, with me? TESS: You know, I'd really like that Kyle. KYLE: Oh. TESS: Thank you. *~*~*~*~* (Then Kyle and Tess enter the Crashdown.) KYLE: So, uh, beverage? TESS: Yeah, yeah, please. I, I'm just gonna go and sit over there. KYLE: Good, good, so I'll get... your beverage. (They appear very akward with each other. Then we see Kyle sitting alone at the counter as he overhears Liz and Maria talk.) Snipped MARIA: Yeah, it's ugh... Hey so are you and Tess uh... you know? KYLE: Oh no, actually, it's like, she uh, she's hot and uh, but I feel really resistant for some reason, I can't quite put my finger on. MARIA: Well, maybe you're just gay. KYLE: No, no... *~*~*~*~* (Now we see Kyle at the punch bowl, getting drinks. Malamoot approaches him.) MALAMOOT: Valenti... KYLE: Malamoot... MALAMOOT: This is it big man, the big night. KYLE: Yeah, this is it. MALAMOOT: I envy you Valenti. (We see Tess sitting at the table.) KYLE: All right. MALAMOOT: Look at that compact little body. KYLE: All right. MALAMOOT: Bet she's a firecracker in the sack. KYLE: I wouldn't know. MALAMOOT: Yeah well, you will soon. Hey listen, what do you say, you throw her to me for a couple hours after your done? (Kyle grabs him by the collar.) KYLE: Don't you ever talk about my sister like that! MALAMOOT: What? (Kyle looks confused and just walks away.) *~*~*~*~* (Now we see Kyle and Tess going into a room. Kyle searches for the right words.) KYLE: Um, Tess, uh you, you're, you're beautiful. TESS: Kyle, please don't say that. KYLE: And the thing is, you're not just some girl, I care about you. TESS: Kyle, I don't... I just.... KYLE: I think of you as family. As a sister. I dont' think it could be a romantic thing. TESS: I understand. You know I'm disappointed, but I understand. (They hug.) ________________________________________________________________________ From "The Departure" (episode 221): (Kyle is at Tess's door with flowers.) KYLE: Is this a good time? Tess: Yeah. Kyle: I heard about what's uh, what's going on and um, congratulations. Tess: Thank you. Kyle: Are you feeling okay? Tess: Not so good, but I'll be all right. Kyle: Well I just, wanted to say that it's meant a lot to me... (Kyle gets a flash of Alex in the mirror.) Tess: You okay? Kyle: Oh yeah, yeah. It's nothing. Anyway, I just, I don't usually talk about this but uh, my mom left when I was six, and with you being here it's, uh felt like family again. That's all, I don't want to get all weepy or anything. Tess: Kyle... Kyle I feel the same way. (She hugs him.) Snipped Tess: What were you saying? Kyle: That I'm really gonna miss you... |
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