"For What I Have Done..."
Part 1/1
By Ingrid Fairfax ([email protected])

Rating: PG-13
Pairing: Tess POV, some K/T
Spoilers: Cry Your Name
Improv: #8 lilac, amuse, savor, sky
Summary:  Tess tries not to think as she does what she
has to do.


              
"Remember what you are," Nasedo once told me.  "Amuse yourself with these human diversions, if you must, but remember you're not one of them.  You have human DNA, you resemble them, you're beautiful to them, but none of that matters. You are alien, and every human who smiles at you would destroy you if they knew the truth."

I never said anything.  What was there to say?

"I'm all that protects you, you know," He smiled. Cold smile, cold eyes, colder heart. "Without me you would have died.  You know this, don't you?  You need me."

I never said anything to this either.  He needed me too, after all.  I was to be his deliverance.

*~*~*~*~*

My room at the Valenti's still smelled like Kyle, even though I'd been living there for months.  The scent of dirty laundry and aftershave lingered in the walls and in the carpet fibers.  Kyle's magazines were still under the bed.  His trophies were still on the shelves, just pushed aside to make room for all my "girlie crap."  Even when I was alone, it was like he was in there with me.  I felt connected to him, and I savored it.   

This room smells like Alex now.  Like fear, desperation, and deception.  

This is not my home.  There is nothing for me here, there can't be.

*~*~*~*~*

"You were a queen."  Nasedo told me.  "For countless millennia, your husband's family governed our planet."

He paused for a moment, "Of course, nothing lasts forever."

He moved around the room.  I had heard all of this before, but I listened and watched attentively.  This was the only thing he was ever passionate about.

"I've been hiding on this planet now for fifty years, child.  And for what?  For what?" He did not expect an answer.

"Clearly, the Loyalists have no power, no resources. We wouldn't be here if they did.  If we want to return to Antar, we must turn to the ones in control.  We'll help Kivar, and he will help us.  We will have the lives we are meant to have, back home," he paused for breath.

"Remember, getting home is the most important thing there is."

"I know," I replied.

*~*~*~*~*

From a young age, my dreams would show me my home.  I walked in glory through golden halls. I loved, and I was beloved.  My husband and I lived in perfect happiness.  My sister-in-law and our finest general were betrothed, and everyone was sure their union would be as joyful as ours.  We were adored by our people because we ruled so fairly and wisely.

From a young age, my dreams would show me the truth. Years of war had turned much of the city, where my husband's family had ruled for millennia, to rubble. When my husband and I meet would meet, we were like
two strangers with more important things on our minds. Our finest general was little more than a hot-tempered boy. My sister-in-law hid secrets behind her eyes. Our people were soulsick and starving, and everyone was a potential spy for the rebellion.

*~*~*~*~*

Inside Alex's mind was a golden hall, filled with logic and mathematics and music.

I did not belong there.  I couldn't control him.  I hurt him, like a surgeon with a chainsaw.

None of that mattered.

Inside Kyle's mind is an open field, green and growing.

I had to make him forget.  He wouldn't understand.  He wouldn't love me anymore, not as a sister, not as anything. His love was a fragile thing, I knew.  We were too different.

At Prom, I wore a dress of deepest lilac.  Kyle wore a green-checked vest.  We didn't match.

*~*~*~*~*

I always look up when I'm outside at night.  Nasedo taught me to find our stars on my first night out of my pod, the night of my rebirth.  I can find them from anywhere on any night, an alien flower turning towards
its sun. Tropism, I think it's called. Tropicism, maybe.  Alex would know.

I looked at my stars while I buckled his body into the driver's seat and prepared the car for the accident. I thought about molecules and kinetics and acceleration.

I thought about Isabel and Alex dancing under the mirror ball.

I used my powers to remove every trace of his blood from my hands and clothes.  Focused my eyes on my stars and tried very hard not to think at all.  

*~*~*~*~*

Nasedo once told me, "If we want to go home, we must bring Kivar what he wants.  You may be required to do things that will make your human heart-," he smiled bitterly, "-break.  None of that matters. You must be prepared to make sacrifices. Do you understand?"

"Of course, I do," I replied.

I didn't really, not then.  I understand now.   

*~*~*~*~*

Alex smiled up at me from the prom photos spread out on the table.  I ignored him.

If I tried to steer Isabel's and Kyle's attention toward other pictures, if my hands shook a little when I moved his likeness out of my way, I don't think
anyone noticed.

There was nothing else I could do.  There is even less for me here now than before.

Alex was all over the table in front of me, the people who loved him surrounded me.

Kyle's eyes were blank and happy.  He loved me, and it was all a lie, now.

I thought about sacrifices and the human heart, and I felt nothing.

*~*~*~*~*

I didn't think it would be Jim who broke the news, nor did I think we would all be together when we heard.

Of course, I knew what he was going to say, but I couldn't help watching his mouth anyway.

".....accident...Alex.....dead..."

His words felt like a blow, and for a moment I staggered, feeling the weight of every star in the sky.

The End