One day I was walking along a dock, and on one side, I saw Bill Clinton Drowning. On the other side, I saw Steve Case
(President of AOL) drowning. I had a tough decision to make. Should I have a burrito or a cheeseburger for lunch. 

Once Bill Clinton visited a elementary school to talk to a group of 3rd graders. He said to them, "Today we are going to
discuss the difference between a tragedy, a great loss and an accident". Then he said, "Can anyone give me an example of a
tragedy?" A little boy raises his hand and says, "If a kid runs out in the street after a ball and gets hit by a car." Clinton says,
"No, that would be an accident. Can anyone else try?" A little girl raises her hand and says, "If a busload of kids drove off a
cliff." Clinton says, "No, that would be a great loss. Come on, anyone else?" A boy raises his hand and says and says, "If you
and Mrs. Clinton was on a plane and it blew up." Then Clinton says, "Well, Yes, but can you tell me why it would be
considered a tragedy?" And the little boy says, "Well, it wouldn't have been an accident, and it sure as heck wouldn't have been
a great loss." 

What is Bill's idea of safe sex? When Hillary is out of town. 

Mr. Reagen, Mr. Bush and Mr. Clinton are on the Titanic. Mr. Reagen says, "Save the Women!" Mr. Bush says, "Screw the
women!" Mr. Clinton says, "Do we have Time?!" 

Hillary Clinton hired a new intern for Bill. Lorena Bobbit 

The country seems to be doing pretty good -- everybody's got a job, money is up, lot of houses. How many people care that
the President's having sex? Does it bother anybody? See, that's basically the difference between the Republicans and the
Democrats . The Republicans are after your money, the Democrats are after your sister. 

The former Surgeon General was discussing who is the easiest to operate on with some friends. One surgeon said engineers
were the easiest to operate on because their insides were color coded. One surgeon said librarians were the easiest because
their insides were arranged in alphabetical order. Elders said that Clinton was the easiest person to operate on by far. He has
no guts, no spine, no heart and this dick and brain are interchangeable! 

Bill and Hillary are at a restaurant. The waiter tells them tonight's specials are chicken almondine and fresh fish. "The chicken
sounds good; I'll have that," Hillary says. The waiter nods. "And the vegetable?" he asks. "Oh, he'll have the fish," Hillary
replies. 

Bill and Hillary are on a sinking boat. Who gets saved? The nation. 

Clinton told an aide today "I'm not saying I had oral sex with that woman, but if I did it would be because I love my wife." 

Clinton finds a bottle, opens it and a genie pops out and grants him one wish. Clinton wishes for peace in the Middle East. The
genie says there are some things even a genie can't do and tells Clinton to make another wish. Clinton says he wishes that the
whole Monica thing would go away. The genie says he'll take a second look at the map of the Middle East. 

"Top Ten Ways President Clinton Can Distract Attention From The Scandal" from Late Night with David Letterman 10.
"Make guest appearance on Ellen as Ricky the Gay Gabana Boy." 9. Have name of country officially changed to Spiceworld.
8. Call himself El Presidente and ride around the White House on a Donkey. 7. Star in new movie about misunderstood genius,
Good Bill Clinting. 6. Begin State of Union address by announcing, I am so baked right now, dude! 5. Appear on CBS special,
Presidential Interns Do the Darndest Things. 4. Release rap album under name Puff Puffy. 3. During press conference, use fly
rod to yank off Sam Donaldson�s toupee. 2. Appear on Jerry Springer and beat the crap out of Kenneth Starr. 1. Start
harassing himself. 

The president got a dog so that Hillary wouldn't be confused when she walked past the Oval Office and heard, "Roll over, sit,
stay. Good. Now here's your bone." 

What is the difference between George Washington, Richard Nixon, and Bill Clinton? Washington couldn't tell a lie, Nixon
couldn't tell the truth, and Clinton doesn't know the difference. 

White House Crisis Watch It was reported on Sunday morning that Clinton's Chief of Staff, Erskin Bowls, approached the
president with some news. "Mr. President," he began, "I am afraid I have some bad news,good news and some bad news for
you." "Give it to me in order," requested the president. "The bad news is that a picket demanding your impeachment is in front
of the White House," said Erskin. "What is the good news?" asked the president. "Well," said Erskin cautiously, "there is only
one so far." "That not too bad," said the president, "what could be so bad about that?" "Its Gore holding the sign." said Erskin. 

If Ted Kennedy, Dan Quayle, Bob Packwood and Bill Clinton all had a spelling contest, which one would win? Dan Quayle.
He's the only one who knows that harass is one word. 

CLINTON-SPEAK from the Tonight Show What Clinton says What he really means I was not lying. I was standing up and
she was lying. I wasn't adultery. She wasn't even an adult. I did not have oral sex with her. She was having it with me. It is time
to get on with the nations' business. If this isn't off the front page by tomorrow, I'm bombing Iraq. 

White House Internship Recruitment Information Greetings prospective White House interns! This year, our program is heading
into its 69th year of bringing America's best and brightest to the Nation's Capitol to help the "Head Man" do his job. We
expect that 1998 will be the most exciting one yet! Why, you might be asking yourself, do I want to be a part of this
demanding, yet rewarding program? Check this out: Be a part of the action in the pulsing, throbbing political scene of the
hottest city in the world! Get up close and personal with some of America's movers and shakers! See rooms in the White
House that even a VIP tour won't show you! Get total access to plenty of sensitive Presidential activities! Sound like it's for
you? Just listen to this testimonial from a former intern: "I couldn't believe it! After only a few months on the job answering
phones and fetching coffee, there I was, debriefing the president. ... Getting involved in executive branch affairs is just fantastic."
-- M. Lewinsky, Beverly Hills, Calif. IInterested? Fill out this information form and send it back to the White House at
[email protected] Name: __________ Hometown: __________ Sex: F__ Age: ____ Measurements: (required for
medical purposes) _____ How many beers it takes to get you... ...Giggly: _____ ...Drunk: _____ ...Hot: _____ ...To lie to a
federal prosecutor: _____ Quick quiz: You've always considered the White House: a monument to democracy the place where
great leaders meet vaguely erotic extremely erotic Hillary Clinton is a(n): model wife and mother icon of late 20th century
femininity an obstacle inappropriate companion for the leader of the free world You've always wanted to know more about the
President's: Israeli policies childhood in Hope, Ark. romper room "monument to democracy" My social life as an intern would
likely consist of: hitting Georgetown bars with the other interns reading, studying late nights working at the White House late
nights working the White House Score 1 point for each a, 2 for each b, 3 for each c, 4 for each d. Scores of 16 can start
tomorrow. Scores of 12 and above, please call soon. Uncle Sam wants you. 

While Bill, Hillary and Chelsea were vacationing at Camp David the housekeeper was tasked with looking after their pet
parrot. They hadn't been gone for more than a couple of days when the parrot was found dead in the bottom of it's cage. The
housekeeper knew the first family would be desolate at the loss of one of their family pets, so she set out to find a replacement
bird and visited nearly every pet store in Washington. After nearly two days of looking non-stop, she came across an almost
exact duplicate of the bird. As she purchased the parrot, the shop owner cautioned her that the bird had previously be owned
by a Madam and had lived for several years in a house of ill-repute. The housekeeper replied that no one would ever know and
she took the bird back to the White House. The morning after the Clintons return to the White House, Chelsea walked through
the room and the bird said, "Too young." A little later Hillary came into the room and the bird responded with, "Too old." Late
that afternoon the President entered the room and the bird said, "HI, BILL!" 

Why does Hillary Clinton wear high collared blouses? So you won't see her adam's apple move when Bill talks. What do you
get when you cross a crooked lawyer with a crooked politician? Chelsea Clinton. One day, Chelsea Clinton asked her dad,
"Do all fairy tales start with 'Once upon a time'"? Bill answered, "No, some start with 'After I'm elected. . .'" The Secret Service
got a real scare the other day when someone threw a beer at Bill Clinton during his morning jog. Fortunately, it was a draft, so
he was able to dodge it. What are the two worst things about Bill Clinton? His faces. 

Bill Clinton steps off of Air Force One carrying a small dog. One of his Secret Service men says, "Nice dog Sir." Bill says,
"Thanks. I got it for Hillary." The Secret Service man says, "Nice trade, Sir!" 

Bill Clinton steps out onto the White House lawn in the dead of winter. Right in front of him, on the White House lawn, he sees
"The President Must Die" written in urine across the snow. Well, old Bill is pretty pissed off. He storms into his security staff's
HQ, and yells "Somebody wrote a death threat in the snow on the front damn lawn! And they wrote it in urine! Son-of-a-bitch
had to be standing right on the porch when he did it! Where were you guys?!" The security guys stay silent and stare ashamedly
at the floor. Bill hollers "Well dammit, don't just sit there! Get out and FIND OUT WHO DID IT! I want an answer, and I
want it TONIGHT!" The entire staff immediately jump up and race for the exits. Later that evening, his chief security officer
approaches him and says "Well Mr. President, we have some bad news and we have some really bad news. Which do you
want first?" Clinton says "Oh Hell, give me the bad news first." The officer says "Well, we took a sample of the urine and tested
it. The results just came back, and it was Al Gore's urine." Clinton says "Oh my god, I feel so... so... betrayed! My own vice
president! Damn. ...Well, what's the really bad news?" The officer replies "Well, it's Hillary's handwriting." 

Bill and Hillary Clinton are at a baseball game. As the game is getting ready to start, Bill stands up, picks up Hillary, and throws
her out onto the field. When he sits down, his chief advisor leans over and says, "You know, Bill, you may have misunderstood
me. I said you have to throw out the first pitch." 

Clinton & his friend, Jesse, went to the gym. After breaking a sweat,they got into the shower and Clinton said to Jesse," Oh my
gosh, Jesse, why is your penis so BIG??" Jesse replied," Every night before I go to bed, I slap it 5 times against the bedpost."
So Clinton said," I am going to try that tonite." When Clinton got home, [ it was kinda late, and Hillary was asleep ] Clinton
started slapping it. Well with all the commotion, Hillary aroused up, eyes still closed, and said," Jesse?" 

What does Bill say to Hillary after sex? I'll be home in 20 minute 

What would Bill Clinton do if he weren't a democrat? He would be a botanist and play with flowers all day. 

The male lion can mate 100 times a day. He could be called the president of the jungle. 

Clinton didn't commit adultury with Monica Lewinscky. She wasn't an adult 

Bill Clinton was running around the White House pretending to do his job and he had a pair of ladies panties laying around his
neck. Like the King who went around without any clothes, no one would say anything to Clinton about the panties around his
neck. Finally, a young inturn went to the President and asked him why he had the panties around his neck. He reached up,
touched the panties, smelled his hand, and said, ( Oh, that's a patch. I'm trying to quit!!!!!!! ) 

Where is America's income going to? 
BILL CLINTONS PROSTITUTES? 

What did Monica Lewinsky say to clinch the White House staff job? "Prrrr" 

Why did Hillary Clinton want to get a dog for the White House? To chase away all the pussies. 

What do Bill Clinton and Disney have in common? Disney has a movie called the Lion King Bill Clinton is the Lyn' King 

When Bill Clinton was asked by his best friend if he ever talked to Hilary while making love he replied ''She calls me alot so
that happens." 

Clinton is looking out of the window and he notices that someone has urinated the message, "BILL SUCKS!" on a wall outside
the White House. Furious, he orders the FBI to take urine and handwriting samples from every member of the White House
staff and find the culprit immediately. A week later, the FBI director calls. "Mr. President, I have good news and bad news," he
says. "The good news is that the urine belongs to Bob Dole." "And the bad news?" Clinton demands. After a slight pause, the
director replies, "Sir, the handwriting belongs to your wife!" 

I just got a new Bill Clinton Doll. Have you heard about these things? Pull the string and it never says the same thimg twice. 

Ken Starr told Bill he wanted him to tell the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. Bill said "I can't do it, those are
three different things! 

Elementary school teacher: All right class. we're going to have a little quiz. I'm going to ask questions, and if you give the
correct answer, you get to go home for the day. 

1. Who said "give me liberty or give me death"? Schoolgirl: Patrick Henry. Teacher: That's right. You get to go home. 

2. Who said "ask not what your country can do for you, but what you can do for your country"? Schoolgirl 2: JFK. Teacher:
That's right. You can go home, too. 

Schoolboy: Damn girls should keep their mouths shut. Teacher: Who said that? Schoolboy: Bill Clinton. See you tomorrow. 

Bill Clinton got the day off of work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to
the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." Bill looks around and doesn't see
anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and
grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow!! That's amazing. You must
be a lucky frog, eh?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What
do you think frog?," Bill asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." Bill takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. Bill is befuddled and doesn't
know what to say. By the end of the day, he'd golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog,"OK where to next?"
The frog replies,"Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and Bill says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit
Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, Bill asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000,
black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game, Bill figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash
comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and
says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit
Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous
15-year old girl. "And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room, so help me God or my name is not William
Jefferson Clinton." 

At the Gore-Gephardt inaugural celebration, organizers will pay homage to former President Clinton by flying in some hookers
from Memphis... 

A new poll shows that 12% of Americans believe that oral sex isn't sex. Well they must not be doing it right. 

Bill and Hillary were taking stroll outside the White House gates one morning and came upon a little boy trying to give away a
litter of puppies. When Hillary remarked about how cute they were, the little boy said,"Yes, ma'am, they are. They're
democrats." Hillary thought this was so sweet that she told the boy if he still had one left by the weekend, she would be glad
take one of them home. The boy agreed and Bill and Hillary walked on. So comes the weekend and Bill and Hillary are again
strolling in front of the White House and notice the little boy with the puppies. Hillary walks up and greets the young man, who
has two puppies left. She fawns over both of them and the boy remarks this time, "Only two left ma'am, and they're both
republicans." Hillary quickly sneered and said," But the other day, you said they were democrats." The boy replied, "Well, yes
ma'am, but since then, they've opened their eyes." 

Top things heard at the grand jury inquirary 

12. "Let's speed this up--who *haven't* you nailed?" 11. "Aha! So you admit you've had sex!!!! What's it like? Is it fun?" 10.
"And the situation in Bosnia didn't distract you from the booty call?" 9. "Can I have some of those fries?" 8. "Do you admit my
getting Dan Rather to talk about your semen was pretty cool?" 7. "Would you *please* stop winking at the court reporter?!" 6.
"Mr. President, how does it feel to be on the receiving end of a probe for a change?" 5. "Would you, could you in a boat?
Have you, did you with a goat?" 4. "Okay, exhibit 25-A is yet *ANOTHER* ink blot. Now, does THIS one remind you of
anything besides a beret?" 3. "Is it just my imagination, or are all of the women you know butt-ugly?" 2. "Are you now, or have
you ever been, in a non-erect state?" 1. "Mr. President, did you bring any pants with you?" 

The most recent reports of the stain on Monica's dress have been released. This whole thing seems to be a vast right-hand
conspiracy. 

"Screw Clinton or he will screw you first," Hillary Clinton. 

How can Clinton save his Presidency? 

Declare war on the GOP and blow em all up. 

What's the difference between Al Gore and Leanardo DiCaprio? 

Al Gore's actually on a sinking ship. 

I think Clinton is in so much stress, that we should do something special for him. 
That's why I'd like to introduce a new verb, specially for him. 
It's called: Clintonize 
If you really want to become famous, and if you are in a really bad situation, and there seems to be no way out, just clintonize,