The press junket, released by the Santa Claus Corporation in
conjunction with Subway earlier today, reported that "Santa
Claus had lost 235 pounds" thanks to a diet consisting solely
of Subway's many diet subs.

"Did you know that Subway has 7 subs with less than 6 grams
of fat?" asked Santa Claus of the many reporters eager to
score an interview with the normally reclusive jolly old elf.
"I owe much to the veggie sub," stated Kris Kringle in response
to a question over whom he owes the most gratitude to for
helping him shed the pounds.

"And the turkey sandwich is only 282 calories and 4 grams of
fat!" the previously-fat man enthusiastically added. Santa
denied the rumor that he had not consulted with his physician
before undertaking the Subway Diet. "I had a good, long talk
with SquinchyBingBing, our family doctor and fellow elf,"
declared Saint Nick.

Santa Claus says that he he also owes his thanks to Jared
Fogle, who is "definitely going on the nice list" this year,
for his inspirational story of how he lost 245 pounds on what
he called the Subway Diet. There are rumors that this is
the first time Jared Fogle has been on the nice list in many
years, a rumor that this reporter could not confirm by the
time of this printing. However, this controversy has sparked
an interest from concerned parents about adults bribing Santa,
and worry about children imitating them and attempting to
buy off the Guy in Red to get a few more presents.

"My God," declared an obviously distraught Kenneth Waughmann
of the What About The Children? Foundation, "this is so just
like that crap Miracle on 34th Street movie, where that little
girl gets Santa off Death Row and he gives her a little extra
under the Christmas tree! Maybe that's not exactly what went
on in the movie, I was too nauseated to pay close attention,
but it sure seemed that way! And if I feel that way, think
of the lessons children can draw from that movie, and now this
new Subway Diet story that I also haven't researched very
closely. It's enough to make a parent want to scream."

Santa hopes that his new weight loss will be reflected in the
media, with less attention being paid to his old look, and
more attention paid to his newly taut abs and gams. "I don't
want to say that I'm going to be the new sex symbol of the
Millenium," stated Santa, "but I sure as hell give better
gifts than most boyfriends and husbands, and I'm built like
a chimney. So bring on the ho' ho' ho's."