Federal Reserve Chairman Alan Greenspan announced today that,
effective immediately, he was making the United States of
America his bitch. The announcement shocked economic experts
across the nation, who had come to expect Alan Greenspan to
follow a fiscally conservative policy.

"This came totally out of left field," said Paul O'Neill, the
American IMF governor. The announcement is even more relevant
to O'Neill, as Alan Greenspan is listed as the replacement IMF
governor in the case of Paul's death. "I just don't know what
made Al decide on this course."

Karl Waters of the Economic Policy Institute was equally shocked.
"Are you sure Greenspan said that? That's some wack shit," Karl
was reported to have said. "What do you think he means by that?
Damn, I better start watching CNBC, y'know?"

In an interview with CNBC anchor Tom Costello, Greenspan gave
the details behind his decision. "It all came together when
I realized that I'm not holding an elected position. I mean,
I get appointed by the President. I'm sure as long as I give
him a little kick-back, he'll see things my way and I'll stay
in power until they scrape my festering corpse from my chair."

In response to a question from Costello about how he planned
to make America his bitch, Greenspan responded, "Oh, that's
going to be the fun part. You see, later this week I'm going
to drop interest rates 3 points in order to get a better loan
on the new house I'm planning to build. I'm also taking bids
from the banking industry to determine how much to lower the
interest rate on interbanking loans. With the amount I have
currently been offered, I'm afraid it's only going to be .75
points, so, hey, Kenneth Lewis, I'm talking to you, pony up!"

Greenspan further added that he who controlled the economy
controlled the country, and that he controlled the economy.
"Yeah, I'd say my life is really looking up these days,"
declared Greenspan as he kicked back in his chair, "I just
wish I had thought of it when I was younger, and better
able to benefit from having total domination over a country."
When asked about the possibility of the National Reserves
being sent into the Federal Reserve office building in an
attempted coup, Greenspan scoffed. "Bush would have to be
a major dumbass to try and remove me from power. If I push
this red button and get my associates here to turn these
two keys simultaneously, the whole fuckin' economy will go
straight to hell. So I don't think he'll be trying anything."

Tom Costello ended the interview with an attempt to bribe
Greenspan with free commercial time on CNBC.