Cupid, 2800, of Mt. Olympus in Greece was charged with possession of mind-altering substances
and interfering with a police officer after police responded to a fight in a business parking
lot in the 10 block of South Guignard Drive at 3:30 p.m. Monday.
"So, Mister Cupid, these arrows of yours make people fall in love and become deliriously happy,
is that it?"
"Yes, that's right."
"Did you know we have laws against mind-altering substances that make people happy in the
United States, Mister Cupid?"
"No sir, I did not."
"Oh, my aching butt. What kind of a moron are you, Mister Cupid? Running around in that
white dress thing, you're obviously high on something. Have you been applying those arrows
of yours to yourself?"
"Toga."
"What?"
"It's called a toga, not a white dress thing."
"Yeah, whatever. Listen, since you've been distributing these things, I'm going to have to
classify you as a dealer. That'll up your jail-time to about 25 years, most likely. Not
too long for you though, right? I mean, considering how long you claim to have lived. Or,
if you'd prefer, you can be deported back to Greece and never return to America."
"I'm afraid my job requires me to travel all over the world."
"Yeah, well, I'm afraid your world-traveling days are over, and so is your job dealing in
mind-altering substances. You can thank the United States judiciary system for that."
Cupid on Trial, Gets 25 Years
Kyle Rusnak
Thursday, March 8, 2001
In a surprise turn of events, a crime that
took place only three days ago is already
coming to trial. That may be because this
criminal has a very unusual defense. Rather
than denying his guilt, the defendant, who
claims to be Cupid, has asserted that it is
his divine right, granted by Jupiter, to
force people into falling in love with each
other, using some kind of magic arrows.
The police story is that this Cupid is a
dangerous drug dealer who has been dishing
out his "happy arrows" for a long while now,
and they are all quite happy now that he has
finally been brought to justice.
These "happy arrows" were the apparent cause
of a fight between two members of the same
sex, one of whom had been struck by a "happy
arrow" and fallen into a mad, lustful frenzy
where he tried to rip the clothes off of a
three-hundred pound trucker. Cupid himself
was an eye-witness to the fight, and police
tested him for drugs on the spot. They were
naturally suspicious of anyone who would wear
a toga into a Colorado bar. When he tested
as having a blood-type that they had never
seen before, he was arrested and interviewed.
That interview set the basis for the case
police officers formed against Cupid, and
since then he has admitted to many of the
crimes police have tried to prove of him.
In fact, he does not seem to realize that
they are crimes, still asserting his godly
right to, apparently, drug people into a
state so blissful and happy that they would
gladly commit assault and not see anything
wrong with it.
Cupid has been moved to a holding facility,
where he will be staying until he is moved
into a maximum security prison. While there
he will be receiving both drug counseling and
psychiatric assistance. With luck he will be
a productive member of society when he is let
out, many years from now.
