President Bush has recently unveiled his latest plan to protect America,
which he describes as being a "Teflonic Journalism Protectional Shield."
He reportedly came up with the plan while in his ranch in Texas, enjoying
his working vacation. During the middle of a power nap, described by Ari
Fleischer as "recharging the internal batteries that he might better serve
our country with his brilliant leadership," an aide burst in with the news
that some European countries were criticizing Bush for his withdrawal from
the Kyoto Protocol talks. The personable, thoroughly likeable Bush,
stunned by the criticism, something he never has to face from domestic
journalists or politicians, was totally at a loss.

Donald Rumsfeld, Secretary of Defense, was sent in to console Bush with a
plate of warm cookies and a glass of milk. It was then that Bush made the
breakthrough! Through a mouthful of cookie, he plaintively wished for "a
way to keep those Europeans from talking bad about me." Rumsfeld quickly
concocted a global defense shield that would save Bush's reputation and
guarantee not only the 2004 election for Bush, but the prosperity of the
Lockheed Martin Corporation through 2017.

The details are rather technical, primarily because most of the technology
doesn't exist yet, but I'll do my best to explain. You see, hundreds of
communications satellites will be launched with high-tech listening devices
that will be able to overhear every single conversation in the world. If
they happen to overhear someone criticising Bush, Ari Fleischer will be
fired across the world from a secret launching facility in Hawaii to explain
to the criticiser that Bush is just a hard-working, likeable person who
sometimes makes mistakes, sure, who doesn't, but he's just trying to do his
best for the American people, since that's what he is, a regular American guy.

The unstoppable stream of propaganda will either render the criticiser
comatose or brainwash him into belief in the American Way, henceforth
referred to as the Bush Way. The long-term goal is to expand the launching
facilities to be able to launch any political enemies of Bush as well - but
they'll be landing in the middle of the Indian Ocean. Eventually, no one
in America, or the world, will have to listen to any dissidence, henceforth
referred to as lies, about President Bush.

I know what you're thinking: "Wow! Is there any downside to the TJPS?!"
And yes, the $273 billion price tag is fairly painful. But, no fear, lest
you think any of your precious money is being squandered, Bush has promised
a $7 trillion tax cut to give your money back to you, the taxpayer, because
you know how to spend it better than he does. In order to pay for the tax
cut, he has eliminated Congress. After all, Bush is the duly elected
representative of the people. He knows what you want and need, so how could
those Senators and Representatives possibly do a better job spending your money?

The measure to dissolve Congress was passed almost unanimously by Congress.
Republicans approved of it because they had all been promised lifetime
paychecks by big corporations, and the Democrats let it through because
they didn't want to make waves. Senator John McCain was the sole dissenting
voice, as he enjoys making bigger waves than an elephant at a Disney World
water park.

And, lest you worry that the Teflonic Journalism Protectional Shield has
never been tested, I think we already have one set up in America.