Disclaimer: Paramount owns Star Trek and all related names - but today
I have to use them for my own purposes. This is a piece of non-profit
fanfiction, no copyright infringements intended. The poem at the
beginning is MINE!
DEDICATED TO ROMY. This is my way to get over things. Paper was patient
once more. I can't express my feelings in another way without crying
as much as I did the last days. We never were the best of friends but
we got along quite well (after some initial quarrels). I needed many hankies while writing this stories because my mind kept wandering back to happy times together. YOUR BODY MAY BE GONE BUT YOU'LL STAY CLOSE TO US, YOU'LL BE IN OUR HEARTS - FOREVER
You may archive the story as long as you keep my name and the
disclaimer attached to it. Please do not change the text in any way.
Please send comments to [email protected].
C h e r i s h l i v e
Sometimes I don't know if I live,
but those who are loved they have to live.
Sometimes I want to die
but those who love me want me to live.
So sometimes I dream of dying
but I fear the darkness and the loneliness.
If I die I'd be alone in the darkness
so I search for the light that is life
where my friends are waiting for me.
F r i e n d s
They are the best that can happen to you.
They help you.
They help you when you're desperate,
they're with you when you're lonely.
They are the light that shines in your life.
Kathryn was lying in sickbay, staring at the ceiling. She couldn't
quite remember the last few days. One sentence was in her head: "She's
not going to get well again." The sentence that the Doctor had said to
Chakotay this morning. From the corner of her eyes she saw someone
coming to her bed. Slowly she turned her head. Chakotay was standing
beside the biobed, silently looking at her. He took her hand and
squeezed it slightly. He knew that everything he did hurt her but she
didn't say a thing. She was relieved not to be alone in this moment.
She knew she would be dying of the virus. This virus which had been
sleeping in her organism for over three years. It was killing her from
inside. Every muscle in her body ached and every movement caused her
pain. But worst of all she could hardly breathe.
"Chakotay, I'm afraid of dying."
"You won't die. I'll do everything in my power to save you."
"I know, but nevertheless I'll die." He could see how every word she
whispered caused her pain and he wanted to ease her pain. He took a
stool and sat down. His head near her head, her hand in his. Her voice
was nothing more than a whisper when she started speaking again.
"There were many people who died under my command but there's a
difference. I knew them only by their name and from their personal
report. They were my crew but it's differrent to be the dying person.
I can't imagine how it might be just to stop existing. Is there
another world? Will I see you? Will I wander around as a ghost
watching you all mourning about my death? Or is it a final end?"
"Kathryn, please, don't talk that much. You are in need of rest."
"No, I need someone who listenes to me."
Her voice became even more husky and a tear found its way down her
cheek when she started to speak again. Chakotay could see that every
word she said came deep from her mind and nothing else concerned her
at this very moment.
"There's nothing else I can think of than dying. Chakotay, help me,
please. The Doc said that I'm going to die, I want to meet my spirit
guide before I die but I need your help, I can't do it alone. I want
to see the wide landscape before I die, want to smell the fresh air,
and be as free as I always was."
"You know, in the spirit world you're not as free as you want to be.
You're the same you are here, in the real world."
"Please."
He just nodded and took her hand. Her small medicine bundle laid on
the little table beside her biobed. He took it and put all her things
on the bed beside her. He heard the hiss of the door and felt someone
moving behind him. He didn't turn, just kept on concentrating on the
task in front of him. Kathryn had asked him a final favour, and he
knew it would be her final one. Her body was weak, her frame was frail. He didn't know why it was her and not him who had become ill, and he desperately wished it would be him lying on this bed and not her. Her hand was cold and she didn't have the strength to squeeze his hand, he felt as if he was holding the hand of a doll. He looked in her eyes, the eyes he loved so much. Her pupils were nearly as big as her whole eyes, nearly everything was black. He felt as if staring into a black hole, which was sucking every inch of him into it. He felt as if he was drowning in a deep lake, he couldn't even see his own reflection in her eyes. She didn't say a word, just looked at him, with the eyes of a hunted deer, searching for something to hold on to.
"Akoochemoya, we're far from the bones from our ancestors", she heard
his voice reverberate in her head. She knew the text as if it were her
own words, and suddenly she was standing in the desert. No, she was
sitting. Her body wasn't under controll. She was sitting in the sand,
unable to move, just staring into the sun, feeling the warm sand
beneath her uniform, feeling the warm desert breeze caressing her skin. She felt like home and it didn't even matter that she couldn't move. From the corner of her eyes she saw a movement and turned around. It was her spirit guide, that small sand coloured lizard she had called upon so often. It was sitting on a tree trunk, looking at her.
"Kathryn, I know you've come here to ask me the final question, and
all I can say is that there is no answer. You have to find it yourself.
Even I don't know what there is when you're dead. I have never died,
I can't tell. You tell me. I'm sure we'll be united again. You may
see death as a final point, or you may see it as a turning point. Life
is something you should cherish as long as if it is yours, but you
have to let go when you know it's time to. And there's someone who
thinks that it's time."
"But I don't understand why. Why now? Why now at this very moment?"
"I can't explain. Ask HIM when you're there. Death is something you
can't influence even if it's the only thing you want to. You have to
accept it. You knew that you'd have to die one day."
"But I never thought it would be that early." she protested.
"Nobody knows how HE thinks and decides. You have to accept it. I can
see in your face that you don't like HIS descision but there's no
other way."
"I'm afraid."
"I know. But there's someone whose thoughts will be with you every
second. There's only one way. Wait and see."
The lizard turned around and stared at the sky. High up there was an
eagle. Kathryn turned her head to the horizon. She felt that she
wasn't alone any longer. The longer she looked at the eagle the more
she felt the world turn around her. She felt the sand at her cheek,
didn't feel her body anymore. Everyrhing was so bright and warm.
Strong arms gathered her in an embrace and suddenly her lizard was
gone. The warmth was gone, the bright light was gone, everything was
cold and dark. She heard familiar voices, Chakotay's voice, calling
her name. She heard the noise of the medical tricorder, heard the
long whine and then everything was silent.
She opened her eyes and looked around. All the pain was gone, she
felt free. She sat up and looked around. Everyone was standing around
her biobed but they weren't looking at her. She turned to see what
they were loooking at and froze. They were looking at her! She was
still lying on that biobed. Chakotay was holding her hand, tears in
his eyes. B'Elanna was standing behind him, her hand on his shoulder,
trying to console him. The Doctor stood beside her, saying nothing
at all. She could hear everything, see everything but she wasn't
really there. Her hand carressed Chakotay's hair and she gently
kissed him before she got up and walked out of the room.
They couldn't see her, so she was really dead. All the questions she
had had about dying and afterlife were answered somehow. Everything
seemed so clear to her now.
She went to Chakotay's quarters. She had been in his living room
before but she hadn't seen his bedroom before. She sat down on his
bed and watched the stars go by, thinking of those happy times they'd
spend together. The sheets smelled like him, everything was as she'd
imagined it. Nearly everything. There was a picture on his nightstand.
She went over to have a closer look when the doors of his quarters
opened. She jumped up and wanted to hide but then she remembered that
they couldn't see her. It were Chakotay and B'Elanna. Tears were
running down his face and B'Elanna was still trying to console him.
Somehow she was jealous. B'Elanna was near him, could hold him, touch
him and speak to him, she could only watch and see, not being able to
ease his pain. She took the picture from his nightstand. It was her.
Deep in her heart she had known that he loved her but she had never
admitted it. Tears were beginning to fill her eyes when she thought
about the happy times they could have spend together.
Chakotay wasn't crying anymore when B'Elanna left the room. He was
sitting on the sofa, staring out of the window, murmuring her name.
She put down the picture and went over to his living room. When she
entered the room he looked up.
"Kathryn? Are you there?"
Sorry, but I can't find the power to finish the story, you have to imagine what happens next.
