The Real Stories by The Keeper of the Red Book of Westmarch The Hobbit Chapter 1: An Unexpected Party or �Who Are All You Dwarves in My House?� Once upon a time there was a hobbit named Bilbo Baggins. He lived in the Shire in Bag End. I�m trusting all of you already know that so let�s skip into the story. Bilbo was sitting on his lawn furniture smoking stuff suspiciously called �pipe-weed,� and blowing cute little smoke rings when Gandalf the Wizard came up. Bilbo: Good morning Gandalf. Gandalf: And what do you mean by �good morning?� Do you-- Can we skip this? Director: Sure, whatever! Gandalf: Good morning, Bilbo. Would you fancy going on an adventure? Bilbo: Sure, whatever. Come to my tea party on Wednesday, I�ll forget you�re coming. Gandalf: OK, I�ll be back here at 11 o�clock on Wednesday. Bilbo: Bye Gandalf! Gandalf: Bye Bilbo! See ya Wednesday! Wednesday morning, 10:30. Bilbo: I know I forgot something, I wonder what it is. Knock at the door. Bilbo: Oh, crap! That must be Gandalf! Half a minute! Bilbo runs to the pantry and gets a couple more muffins. Then, he runs to the door and opens it. Bilbo: Hallo Gand-- Who are all of you? Various yells came from the different bodies on his porch. Bilbo: One at a time! Dwarf # 1: I�m Dwalin. Dwarf # 2: I�m Balin. Dwarf # 3: I�m Kili. Dwarf # 4: I�m Fili. Dwarf # 5: I�m Dori. Dwarf # 6: I�m Nori. Dwarf #7: I�m Ori. Dwarf # 8: I�m Oin. Dwarf # 9: I�m Gloin. Dwarf #10: I�m Bifur. Dwarf # 11: I�m Bofur. Dwarf # 12: I�m Bombur. Dwarf # 13: And I�m the most important dwarf living, I�m Thorin! Gandalf: I�m Gandalf. Gandalf gets strange looks from everyone, and he starts laughing nervously. Bilbo: So now that I know who all of you are, what are you doing here? Gandalf: We�re here for a tea party! Bilbo: OK, come in, come in! Everyone comes into the house and fights over the hat-stand. Bilbo: There are some perfectly good hooks on the wall you can use! Dwarves: Ooooooh! Bombur: OK, I want something to eat now, I�m half starved! Kili eyes him. Fili: Reeeeaaaally. Thorin: Come on! I�m hungry too. They had a large feast (which isn�t uncommon for hobbits), and everyone was about to leave, even Bilbo, when suddenly Gandalf jumped on the table and hit his head on the low ceiling. Gandalf: Ouch! I mean, aren�t we forgetting anything? Dwalin: I don�t thi-- Thorin: Hey! We�re supposed to go on a quest Bilbo: We�re goin� on a que-est, we�re goin� on a que-est! Balin: Who ever said you were coming? Bilbo: The script. Bifur takes out a copy of the script and eyes the page they�re on. Bifur: Yup! He�s supposed to come with us. Oin: Well let�s go already! Bilbo: Lemmie pack first. Gloin: OK. An hour later Bilbo comes back with six suitcases in tow. Bilbo: (In a shrill tinny voice that is definitely male) Iiiiiiiiiiiii�m ready! Suddenly the Spongebob Squarepants theme comes on and everyone starts singing. Oooooooooh, Who lives in a hobbit hole in Hobbiton? Bilbo Baggins! Fat and jolly and happy is he! Bilbo Baggins! If his tasty meals be somethin� ya wish! Bilbo Baggins! Then hop on the table and dance like a fish! Bilbo Baggins! Ready? Bilbo Baggins, Bilbo Baggins, Bilbo Baggins, Bilbooooooooooo Baggiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiins! Hahahahahahahahaha! Gandalf�s hearty laughter fades away into silence. Oin: Well, let�s go already! They leave happily chanting and skipping: We�re goin� on a que-est, We�re goin� on a que-est! |