For Kwp
Kendra Wray Pulsifer
Here is my journal. My journal of how I feel about you. I think that even after you come back from Spain, I'm going to keep updating this. I don't know, maybe. It'll be here if you want to keep checking it once and a while to see how I'm feeling, sometimes this [writing] is easier than explaining. I'm sure you can understand that. Things right now are very strange, and I'm not quite sure what's going on between us. But honestly, I'm never quite sure of that. =)
I do know that I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. It will always be that simple.
Yours forever,
~Aj
October 24, 2001 9:17 EST
I didn't get to say good-bye tonight, but at least I got to say, "sweet dreams, sexy" before your phone started to not work at all. :-)
I'm really not sure what else to say right now. A lot of things were said, a lot of things were brought up, a lot of feelings stirred up, some tears shed, a lot of hurt was expressed.
But there were smiles, and there was laughter.
If we still can still laugh and smile, even through tears and cracking voices, we're going to be ok. I have no clue what's going to happen between us, but we're going to be ok. That's the only thing I can really tell right now.
I'm not sure what's going to happen the night you get back. I really want to still pick you up, go to a hotel room, and talk 'till the sun rises the next morning. For right now, that's what I really want to happen. I'm still fantasizing about what else I'd like to see happen (for instance, that nice ass of yours... ;-D ), but I will not be un-happy in any way if that doesn't happen.
I want to be able to sit across from you on the hotel room bed, stare into your eyes, and smile knowing that I can still call you my best friend. If we do end up together, only time will tell.
One thing's for sure, I'm definately going to wrap my arms completely around you. I'm going to hold you close to me, rest your head on my shoulder, and softly whisper into your ear,
"everything's going to be alright, everything's going to work out. I promise."
It doesn't matter what we're wearing (I mean it won't truly matter if we're naked. It'd be really nice, but not necessary), as long as I can hold you close.
I'm not really sure what else to say right now, besides that everything will work out in the end. It always does. It's not a matter of "are we gonna be ok?", it's just a matter of time. That's all it's ever really about, actually. We know, deep down in our hearts, that we're going to be ok. We know deep down that we're going to get through everything. It's just a matter of when.
And I don't plan on going anywhere without my best friend. :-D
October 24, 2001 � Letter I wrote earlier
You're not the only one who's pictured life being forever alone. That's how I saw my future as I was growing up. I was 8 years old and had accepted the fact that I was going to grow up alone, live alone, and die alone.
I had always dreamed of finding that perfect love. the love where nothing else matters. a love that could get anyone through anything.
but I was 8 years old. Soon realized that at the age of 10 there was no such thing as perfect. Also realized that nothing was fair. Especially life.
I went through school not speaking with my parents because I did not know who they were. I knew their names, I knew who their parents were, I also knew who the siblings were. But I did not know them. I did not the know circumstances under which they met each other, and could only assume why they got married.
I believe that after time, they learned to love each other. But only after time. I do not believe that my parents loved each other when they got married, and I do not believe that my parents loved each other when I was born. If not for a few choices that they made, I could have been very easily in the same situation that you are in, searching for who you really are. Or I could have not been born at all. I honestly believe that because neither one of my parents could afford to have the abortion. My father was still living with his parents, and my mother with hers. They did not buy the land we live on until after everything happened.
I've told you this before, and I am going to say it again. I wish I was adopted. I sincerely do. I have no idea who I am. I have no clue where I come from, what my heritage is. I have no past, and I am afraid I have no future. I look at the circumstances that brought me into this world, the circumstances that I was raised under, the circumstances of my entire life -- I fear that I am destined to fail. I feel that I am destined to be alone, to die alone, and simply be forgotten by the same cruel world that brought me into this existance.
But then there was you. You brought light into my world of darkness. Before you even realized it, as soon as the first words were typed between us, you brought light to my world. You brought genuine feeling, honest caring. I could never completely trust anyone until I met you. I always kept secrets from people, always hid my true feelings, even around friends, and sometimes, especially around friends.
But things were completely different with you. I trusted you completely from the start. Even before I knew exactly who you were, something was telling me that I could always trust you. You were always there for me. You knew exactly what kind of person I was. Yet you still cared. You still cared about me, and you were always there to listen.
Then we feel in love. honestly, it was only a matter of time. Because of how I felt about you, the fact I could completely trust you, and how I thought love should be, there was no way I couldn't fall in love with you.
For the first time in my life, I felt whole. I could look to my future, and not see the dim, dark, lonely future I had seen for almost 20 years. You were able to change my life. I knew I could be myself around you, and that wouldn't change how you felt about me. I could completely trust you, with everything. You knew everything there was to know about me, and you still could love me.
I honestly believed that I had found my soul mate, that perfect love I always dreamed about. I honestly believed that I had found that perfect person in you.
But now, it seems that I was wrong. What once was right, is now wrong. What once was a bright future to look forward too, has now gone back to being dim, dark, lonely, and scary.
I just got the letter you wrote. Hopefully you don't mind me reading you this letter.
October 23, 2001 1:43 EST
I sent you two emails (a regular letter, and then the survey), and honestly think I've said all I can without actually having to talk to you on the phone. I really don't know what's going, but I never really knew to begin with.
I'll talk to you sometime friday.
October 22, 2001 1:25 EST
Wow. I really don't know what to say after tonight. It's really weird, I'm still in a good mood kinda. It's hard to explain.
At least we have some plan, some idea, of where we're going. Hopefully, you'll start to feel the freedom that you need, and hopefully we're not stuck in the same "not-so-great" circle that we've been in for about a month.
What you did hurt. There's no changing that. I know that it meant nothing to you, but still, there's just something inside of me telling me what you did wasn't right. I really don't know if what you did was wrong, but something's telling me it wasn't right. But what I think, and what you think, are two different things. We're two different people, how can we have the same opinion? I guess it's just that simple. I think I can sorta understand why you did that. But it doesn't make it hurt any less.
I think I'm still in a good mood because deep down, I realize this is what we have to do.
"If you love someone, let them go. If they love you, they'll come back."
That's what I keep trying to tell myself right now. If "us" is truly meant to be, you'll come back. And I'll wait. No matter how long it's going to take, I will wait for you. And you know why I'll wait for you because you know how I feel about you.
But I won't say it. I realize that saying it will make things more difficult for you, for us, right now. But please don't forget that it's felt. With every beat of my heart, with every breath I take, that's how I feel about you.
And I know that's how you feel about me.
But I do realize why it can't be said. At least I think I do. And I'm trying to live with it. I know the conversation we had tonight involved a lot of repeating what was already said. I hope you realize why I needed to have that conversation with you tonight. I hope you realize why I need everything to be spelt out to me.
I want you to be happy, I truly do. I just have no idea how I should act so that you are happy, so that you can do whatever it is that you need to do in Spain. Maybe someday I'll truly understand why you need to do this. Plain and simple, I don't understand why you need to do this. But I'm trying to. I'm trying to understand, and I'm trying to help.
Just don't ever forget how I feel about you. I'll never forget how you feel about me. As long as we don't forget and those feelings don't change, we'll get through this.
October 21, 2001 2:07 EST (I'll explain)
I wrote a letter tongiht after we got off the phone. I'm sorry, but after what was done then said, I needed to try to figure it out for me. I wrote another page letter, but I'm not going to post that. This isn't something that can be read, it's needs to be heard. At least I think so. There's really no rush for you to hear it, I really doubt things will change in the next few days.
I'm confused. I'm more confused now than I was before. I have no clue what's going on. You want me stop saying "I love you" and that scares me. That scares me to the very core of my being. I have no clue what to say to you know. If something was wrong, I could always say that to bring a smile to your face. I think you hearing that let you realize that no matter what was wrong, you weren't alone. That I'd always be there for you, always be there with you, and nothing could change that.
But now, it hurts you somehow. I don't understand. My saying "I love you" somehow hurts you know. I'm confused. And I'm scared. I do not know what is going on, and I do not know what to do.
I think I've gone on enough, I don't want to write too much. There's so many things I need to say to you, but they need to be said. I'll talk to you sometime this week I guess.
I really hope nothing happens to you before the next time I hear from you. I wouldn't be able to live with myself knowing that I wasn't able to say good-bye to you on last time. I'll be praying and hoping that I will get to hear from you. I am definately paranoid about that. I just couldn't live with myself knowing that I didn't get one last chance to say "I love you" and "good-bye."
October 20, 2001 1:35 EST (random quote)
It is better to be hated for what you are than to be loved for what you are not
I also wrote you a [regular] letter, it's going out in tommorow's [saturday's] mail, you should get it in about a week and a half. As for your package of stuff [namely your contact case], I have no idea when I'm going to mail that out. Maybe tommorow [saturday] if I get up before the Post Office downtown closes. But don't count on it.
I love you.
October 19, 2001 16:24 EST
One week.
I've been willing to spend the rest of my life with you since the moment I met you. If not us not killing each other means spending one week apart, that's a sacriface that I'm willing to take.
Compared to some other things that I almost had to give you because of how I acted today (namely, You), spending a week not talking to you so you can figure out what's going on is a small price to pay so I can be with you when you come home.
I didn't say it when I was talking to you, but hopefully you still believe that it doens't have to be said to feel it. I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. Nothing can ever change that for me, and hopefully nothing can ever change that for you. I know sometimes I can be a real asshole and not realize it before it's too late. Hopefully it's not too late.
I love you. Please don't forget that.
October 19, 2001 (very early morning)
Here I sit at 2:00am EST. It's 8:00am over in Spain. More than likely, you're already up for the day. More than likely, your cell is probably on. And usually, I wouldn't think twice about picking up the phone and calling.
But this morning is different. I know, at least I think I do, that calling you right now would prolly be a bad thing to do. I have nothing to say. As you pointed out yesterday morning (afternoon for you), I had nothing to say. Calling you has a lot with not having something to say. Calling you as everything to do with my perception of how far away you are. When we're not talking, you're gone. Plain and simple. You are not here. It wouldn't even matter if you were here with me or not. You are just not here, at all. That scares me. You have never been "just gone". For as long as I've known you, were always no more than just a quick note away. Now, that same quick note can take up to 4 days to get to you. Even when you were gone on vacations during the summer before college started, you were never that far away from me. Yea, we didn't talk too much on the phone, but I always had a feeling of you being there, being with me, one way or another.
This is scary. I haven't felt this scared in a long time. I feel alone, too. This lonliness is so cold, so baren. I have no clue what to do about it.
On the bright side, I actually talked to Sarah Beth tonight. We had a real conversation, It felt like she actually wanted to talk. We talked about school, but mostly about the play she's in. It's about dead people. I told her that it was weird that her play starts tommorow and you were at a play tonight. It was definately nice to talk to her again. An actual conversation. I might actually go to the play, too. I definately think it would be good for me to get out. Even if for only a few hours, just being out of RPI will do me some good.
Wow. I didn't think that was going to turn into a full-fledged letter. With the dates and everything, i wonder if this is more like a journal for me than leaving letters for you. It's been almost three years since I've kept a journal regularly, and unfortunately it's stuck on my other computer. The diskette drive in it doesn't work correctly, and I have yet to buy the adapter that will let me stick it into a regular computer. I know not much of this interests you, but just getting down in writing helps me think about things that are going on.
One of the things Sarah Beth and I talked about was what would happen if I don't get the grades I need this semester. Before I can be re-accepted into RPI, I need to be inrolled at another school and show improvement in my grades. I guess that would mean Happy [Hudson] Valley. I don't know. I honestly don't know how I could fail this semester, but there's always the chance. Always the possibility. I don't know what to do. I'm really starting to worry about what's going to happen with my future. My god, about a month ago, you were worried because I saw us getting married someday. That's my perfect future. That's all with the corvette in the garage, that's next to my huge, log cabin house out in the mountains of Montana. That's all in the distant future. Almost the un-reachable future. I have no clue where my life is going. The military option has always lingered in my mind. But more recently, so has the Professional Scouter option. But I have no clue where my life is taking me. All I know for certain is I will be waiting for you on December 21st when you're plane comes back from Spain. I don't care what time it lands, how late I have to stay up, or who I'll have to deal with. I will be there. Well, it's 2:30am EST, and I have a Dr.'s Appt. tommorow at 11:00am to have them check out my wrist. I was hoping for an afternoon slot, but they didn't have any. Well, hopefully you're trip goes well, you have fun, you had fun last night, and you got some cough medicine.
I love you. Don't ever dare forget that. I'll have to tickle you 'till you remember. :-D
October 18, 2001
Here I sit after the conversation we had this morning. As you can tell, I've done the same thing you've done -- put it on a webpage. Not a bad idea, actually. Easy for you to read, and I don't have to read them over the phone. Not that I had a problem with doing that, but reading stuff off my computer screen at 3:00am when I'm not wearing contacts is a little hard. =)
I honestly don't know what say.
This is such a strange thing to be feeling. It feels like we're fighting, but we're not. This is such a strange feeling for me. I honestly don't know what to feel right now. Honestly, I really don't know what to say. But I know I can always say this --
I love you.
No matter what happens, I know I can always tell you that. It's one thing that I'm am never unsure about. I know I love you. In my head, and more importantly, in my heart. Besides that, I guess it can all wait for a better time, because honestly, I don't have the slightest idea where to begin or what to say. But I do love you. I truly do. As you can realize that, we'll always make it through whatever comes our way. Because "Nothing Else Matters."
September 30, 2001
Hey sexy. I wanted to write this letter because I�m still smiling. I�m so glad that we got a chance to actually talk today. Actually we got a chance to talk a lot today. This is the first time in a while that I�ve smiled after getting off the phone with you. Things seem to be working out, which is great. This is definitely a great start to this week. I really don�t know what else to say, besides I love you. I truly do. I�ll try to talk to your parents this weekend about �surprising� you with a visit in november. Hopefully they�ll agree, and help me get everything all set. As long as they don�t have a problem with selling me one of the tickets, that�s the only major hurdle about going, besides a passport. But as long as I don�t delay in getting mine, everything should work out. Sweet dreams, sexy.
September 30, 2001 (going to spain)
Even though the chance of me actually going is damn near close to zero, I�m actually looking forward to it, a lot. I honestly don�t know if that�s a good thing or a bad thing. When I�ve mentioned it to you, I can�t really tell anything from your voice on how you actually feel about it, but I�m hoping that�s good since I can�t tell if you actually want me there or not. As far as I can tell, you actually want me to go. And I actually want to go. I mean, I really don�t care how much it�s going to cost me, but the chance to see you makes me happy. I mean, I�ve been smiling about the fact that there�s a slight chance I might get to see you.
But then there�s the chance of going to Las Vegas, too. I mean, in Vegas, I won�t be missing class or work, and I won�t have to worry about wear I�ll be staying the week that I�m there. There�s a strong chance that even if I can go to Spain, that I�ll have to stay in a hotel somewhere. Yea, I know there�s one fairly close to where you�re living now, but staying in a hotel would severely limit how time I got to spend with you. In all honesty, at night is probably when we�d actually get to spend some time alone with each other. But then again, you may not want me there during the night, or even at all. Hell, I�ve been having trouble telling how much you actually want me around. I know you still want to be best friends, but, how much time would we actually be spending together
as friends?
I dunno, I hardly see my friends that much, us being so far apart. That�s the last thing in the world I want to happen to us. I mean, let�s face it�I�m not nearly as close with my friends as I was three years ago. But three years ago, we were all so close to each other physically. Renee� was the furthest one, and she was only 15-20 minutes from Rouses Point. But there are some exceptions, I�m still fairly good friends with Megan, but I can easily admit that we�d be much better friends if she lived a lot closer.
Right now, it�s 2:25am on saturday, september 30th. I�m trying to stay up as late as I can to call you. I only pray to god that you�ll be up when I call you at 9:00am your time. But if you�re not up, hopefully you�re phone�s off, so I don�t wake up when I call, especially if you went out tonight, you were probably out fairly late. But since it�d be 9:00am when I call you, it�d be next day for you. It�s still saturday for me, but the sun�s come up in Spain by the time I call. And honestly, I think there�s a good chance that you�ll be up by 9:00am. If not, hopefully you�re phone�s off so I don�t wake up, like I�ve said already. I�m watching �back to the future� on tnt right now. When I got back from work, dave was already sleeping. I tried like hell to be quiet, but I must have woken him up, because he got up, went to the bathroom, got online, and left. I�m assuming for Jess�s, but I could be wrong. Either way, with dave gone, it�s much easier to try to stay awake with the tv and lights on.
Now that we�ve started on the group stuff for IED, it�s going easier. Knowing that 9 other people are depending on me to do work, it�s motivating me to get it done. Knowing that I have 9 other people chewing me out and depending on my work is actually helping me to get it done. I dunno, I think our project is a little too ambitious, and I don�t think we�re going to able to finish everything that we�re setting out to do. But it doesn�t need to be done for us to get an �A�, we just have to be able to prove that we did a lot of work trying to get everything to work. And I�ve rambled onto another page, again. I don�t think I�ve written so much in my life as I�ve written in the past week. Well, I�m kinda ignoring Megan right now by writing this, and if I�m going to call in a little bit, I should rap this letter up. This is like the third or fourth letter I�m going to have to read to you, so I should get going for many reasons. I love you, don�t ever forget that.
September 29, 2001 (Night)
I really don't know if I should be sending this email or not, but since you won't be getting this untill at least monday, I guess it's alright. I've written more letters of course, it's the only thing I can do right now since you don't want me to call. I asked Sarah Beth about your little sisters, and she said that she's met them and you know that. you two figure it out, I know you've been talking to her. I've honestly considered calling about an hour ago, on the premesis that 7:00pm saturday my time was actually 1:00am sunday your time, so technically it would be tommorow there even though it's still only today here. Hopefully you understand what i'm trying to say, but I also do understand that we basically both believe it's not the next day untill the sun comes up. I honestly don't know what to do. I actually enjoyed doing group work today from 2:00pm to 5:00pm, I had to pretend that I was all there, and for a while, actually forgot what was going on because I was actually with other people. That's bad when I need to do school work to keep me from going crazy because everything is going straight to hell.
I have no idea what you're doing over in Spain, but hopefully it's with friends, and just with friends. Whether or not we're actually going out--and right now we're not, last i knew--I'm still somewhat paranoid that you're with someone else. Say all you want, I think I'm justified. After all, you originally told me you wanted to end it so you can do what you want with who you want without pissing me off. Like I told you back in august when we were together in basement, together or not, I would still be hurt like hell and still feel that you cheated on me because of how we still feel for each other.
But that was almost a month ago.
However, you still say you love me. And I of course, still believe you. Why wouldn't I? Like I said in the letter I wrote you yesterday, I have absolutely no reason not to trust you. No matter how much this may be hurting me right now, I have absolutely no reason not to trust you. As I've decided again with this letter, it's getting too long and drawn out to just get sent, I'll more than likely read it to you tommorow, as long as I can get a hold of you. I said in the letter I wrote this morning that I wouldn't call again, but I love hearing the sound of your voice, knowing that even though you're an ocean away, It still feels like you're so close to me, just down the road, or only an hour away, like when we're home. Being on the phone with you takes me away. It takes me to wherever you are, just hearing your voice brings you so close to me.
But I know you don't like talking to me that much anymore. Hell, you don't even like knowing that I'm still around right now. I can hear it in your voice, I can tell. You want me to hang up the phone, and go back to being an ocean away, so you can go off and do whatever you want. That kills me. Knowing you don't me around at all, it hurts like hell.
More than likely, I'll call you when I get up. I'll try to get up early enough to call so by the time we get off the phone, you're not rushing to get ready for the bullfight, if you still plan on going to it. So tommorow, for the little while I talk to you on the phone, it'll feel like you're close to me again. And unfortunately, you'll have to deal with me. I honestly don't know what hurts more right now--the fact you're gone, or the fact you wish I didn't call at all.
September 29, 2001 (Morning)
This is killing me. Every morning I wake up, and I want you to be right there next to me. Some of those nights I didn�t get much because the bed was crowded, and other nights we didn�t get much sleep because we were busy� but I always woke up the next morning so damn happy just because you were right there next to me. I would love waking up and watching you sleep. You were so peaceful, you were always so beautiful when you slept. I only wish that I got to watch you sleep more often, my only regret is that more often than not, you woke up before I did and I couldn�t get to watch you sleep as much as I wanted to.
I so want to call you. Just to hear your voice, just to hear you say you love me. But my calling you is hurting you, and I can tell. I know and understand that you still want to be friends, that you don�t want to lose me, but I can hear it in your voice, that you don�t want to talk damn near as often anymore. I don�t know what to do anymore. I laid in bed this morning for over 2 hours trying to go back to sleep. Sleeping is the only time it doesn�t hurt.
I don�t know what to do, but I understand that neither do you. I just hope that you still love me when you come home, and I�ll be hoping every night I go to bed that you get to find whatever it is that you�re looking for over in Spain, and I pray to god that you come happy.
Added later during the night�
Jesus, I even find myself checking my phone to see if you�ve left me a message. Even thought I know for a fact that you�re phone�s not really working right now, and I�m not out of my room a lot, I still check my voice mail to see if you�ve left me one of your little messages, just so you could tell me, �I love you.�
September 28, 2001
I miss you.
Every time I hear a phone ring, every time I hear a knock on my door, I want it to be you. I wish it was you. I know that you�re gone, and not coming back home for another 12 weeks, and possibly, never come back to me.
Every time I hear that stupid AIM sound of the door opening, I always rush to open the buddy list window, in hopes that it�s you, just to tell me that you still love me, and you can�t wait to come home.
But you won�t. You won�t call, it won�t be you knocking on my door, it won�t be you signing onto AIM, and it won�t be you leaving me that little note.
Even when I call you, I can hear it in your voice. You don�t want to talk to me, you�re searching in your mind for the perfect excuse to say to me to get me off the phone, so I stop bothering you. I could hear it in your voice tonight, I knew you didn�t want to talk to me. I could tell. I�m sorry I called, I know you didn�t want to hear from me.
This is why I�m going to stop. I�m going to stop calling, I�m going to stop sending you letters, and I�m going to stop sending emails. But I�m not going to stop writing these letters to you for my sanity, and I�m not going to stop loving.
I�ll never stop loving you. You will always be in my heart, always. No matter what you do, no matter where you go, no matter what you think of me. I will always love you.
I don�t know what else to give you. I thought I gave you everything I could, but I was wrong. I wasn�t giving you enough, and it�s my fault for not giving you what you needed.
I thought I was doing everything right. I thought being completely honest was the right choice. But know I don�t know. I was completely honest with you, and now it seems that wasn�t right choice. It�s not that I should have lied to you, but maybe just not have told you certain things, kept certain things to myself.
But then I wouldn�t have been true to myself. I don�t know. Damned if I do, damned if I don�t.
September 27, 2001
As I sit here and think and try to comprehend what's going, I sit and think about things that are on that webpage. In particular, a few lines from it. One of them being
"I realized when I came back from the class trips from all these amazing sites that I need to be able to share this interest and I can�t with you. ... you wouldn�t care (about them)
even if you were here - and that�s the breaking point"
It's been a few days since I've read it, I'm sure there are other lines, but these in particular struck me and hurt like hell. I really have no idea what to say. When you came back from that trip the first weekend you went (the one to the monastary, then to the beach), you never even bothered to tell me about it. All you said about it was complaining about the teacher who talked too long and cause you guys to not see everything because he wasted your time with a 30 minute speech. That was the only part of the trip you told me about. Well, and the fact you slept most of the way back on the bus, but the bus ride wasn't really the point of the trip. I dunno, maybe you thought I didn't care since I was too particularly interested in listening to you complain about your teacher. But you never even talked about the trip. How can you accuse me of not caring about that trip and the sites of interests when all you talked about was the fact you didn't get see everything because the teacher talked too long? I dunno.
And the other was
"I promised myself I would never end up with someone who reminded me of my father�s narrow-minded "be like me" bullshit because that bullshit eats away at me and hurts me to the core of my being. I can�t ask or expect you to change - it�s not fair to either of us to ask that (because then things are based on lies), but love... even great love, can not counter my problem with that."
Wow. I have no clue even how to respond to that. If that's how you honestly feel, I can't even understand how you still want to be friends. If I disgust you that much, I can't comprehend why you would ever want to be around me.
You also said that I hurt you to the core, to the bone. There was no possible way that you could have hurt me anywhere near that much. God, you said so many things, wrote so many things, I can't even begin to go into them anymore than I have, they hurt so damn much. Damn, just the thought that you were worried that you were going to cheat on me was shaking the very foundation of my life that I've shared with you for so long.
I have never, ever trusted anyone as much as I have trusted you. Our friendship has been based on trust since the very first word I ever wrote to you. For our friendship, there has never been anything else but trust between you and i. Then our friendship started to evolve into love, but always first and foremost came the foundation of trust. Everything we ever had, everything we now have, and everything that we may have has, is, and always will be built on that foundation of trust. Our love for one another was built on that very trust between you and i, and those words were starting to shake that foundation of love between us. Our trust has gotten us through everything. Everything. I have no idea how I would have gone through the past 4 years of my life without that foundation there for me. Even as friends, that foundation of trust between you and I helped me get through anything and everything that came up. There were days during the summer of '99 that I was just going on the hope that you'd be online when I got home from work. I knew you were gone a lot, but for the longest time during the summer, that's the only thing that kept me going. I always looked forward to your emails, and was so thrilled by the simple fact that we'd be going to college so close together. I couldn't stop smiling knowing that you would be close. When I came to visit RPI for the first time, I honestly didn't care about the campus, I just couldn't get over the fact that you'd be so close to me.
But as much as you knew how much it would hurt to hear you say those words, you trusted me enough to tell me something that would hurt, and you knew how I would take it. That foundation of trust was always there for me, for you, and most importantly, for us. I guess I was confusing our trust and our love. Unfortunately, when it comes to how I feel about you, that trust and love are so intertwined, sometimes it's hard to tell that two apart. First and foremost was the trust we had, and off of that came the love between us. Our love completely encircled that trust that we have for each other, which is why we always made it through everything, no matter what it is. Unfortunately, I have no idea about the status of our love. Is right now only a temporary setback, like winter is for so many flowers, or is this change a permanent one, one that will kill our flower of love forever. I have no idea. But I do know that our trust for one another will not be affected in anyway. Sometimes that trust may be lonely without the love that once shared it's life, but our trust will survive, as it always does.