Today, I went to school very early, only to find that my morning class has been cancelled. Deep inside I knew I still had so much projects due and studies to get started but for some reason I just felt like walking around the campus. No particular destination just roam around, get lost somewhere and look into everything that catches my eye. Things that normally does not get recognized. Much like a sparrow taking its early flight. And I might say, its a colorful world. Passing by the science building, I get to see a variety of innovations man has discovered throughout the years. But the truth is, I was hoping to see a familiar face, a friend, an aquaintance or someone to just talk to. But to no avail, I pass by faceless people, busy with their own daily lives. And yet again, I walk alone. I walk into the cafeteria hoping do some reading and even maybe find a friend. I just sat there staring at people who pass by and wonder if I could live in their shoes for a day and just see the world through their eyes. And maybe feel their joy and sorrows in life. Live life differently and take on an adventure. It didn't take long before my heart felt a sting and I was in an deep state of sorrow. Or perhaps I somwhat just felt lost from mixed emotions, stress or maybe reached the boundaries of sanity. The emetion was extreme that I just couldn't bear it. So I decided pick up my pieces and head forth to the library with hoping to find an open computer to fill my time and quite possibly absorb my emphathy. Now I sit here and type away words that flows from my heart. And maybe someday, I or someone could empathize with me and say, they felt the same way too at one point in their life...
It amazes me to know that I have learned to cope with loneliness and isolation upon entering college. A time when time is valued wisely (or at least try to balance it with social life). Students set priorities of importance and even choose to be alone when things get too hectic. At times, I wonder if its just me, but even when I'm chilli'n with fellow friends, nothing beats being isolated from the world from time to time. Keeping in mind that I do appreciate their company and being part of their lives as well. It could just be me, or I'm probably just feeling down at the moment...... I hope everthing get better... :(
Living drains me of life once again and brings me down into a place of sorrow, loneliness and depression. Or maybe its just how the rain affects my mood when springtime looms over the horizon (every year around times like these). I ask and meditate upon my worthyness and uselessness of living... The feeling of depression pours down my eyes like falling tears from dark clouds above me. I know that God is worthy of my all and my everything, that I'm just a sinner and nothing without him. I have learned and accepted that in my heart, but how I look into the world and see the true beauty in its splendor and see myself so disconnected... so out of place? Oh God, where do I stand in your design... where do I go from here???
I close my eyes and dream of a time not so long ago when happy days come at its most unexpected hours. Every corner a surprise. But today, its different, time moves slow and tommorow seem so far away. I try and try then fail and fail and fail, all while doing and hoping for the best. Why does the cycle of life be this way. I look into my well being and see me so useless and so minute from the world of magnificently grand. Have I been so corrupted by the world that I let it change me, feel so helplessly dominated... I fade away... and wake up another day, as I look continue my endless journey for the words and a tender voice of advice to comfort me, I pause and start to drift as my heart begins to sunk further down my abyss, my darkness... but how is it that a simple life as a tree or a sparrow seems so useless (althought it has many uses / and has life) does not worry of what tommorow may bring. How tree just stands still not even trying to be useful or a sparrow living a life without regret or worries yet it does its job so well as part of the natural order of things according to God divine design. Does the same principle apply in my life? I question why I even bother to ask why?... It almost seems as if the more I try to think of making the world a better place, the more i see how impossible it is without a miracle from You, Lord. oh, I need a revival... please God, I feel so helpless, I feel like I have nothing else to give... nothing else to offer, nothing to live for... what's it gonna take me... I'm down on my knees so please send me some help... I'm so tired of the days living lost in my cause... just let me rest for a while... light me up again...
I walk my path of misdirection, its funny how i seem to think of life and relationships very so often these days (or maybe for quite sometime now). I wonder how maybe its just that I have lived a big part of my life alone and a part of me is deprived of... untouched love. I always thought that I have no need of such empathy, pity and that life is good. A strong heart is what I need to stive for and its all for the best. Whatever will happens will eventually happens. Why the sudden change? Has my heart grown cold and unbreakable that I do not know what it is to fall again... just lost somewhere in the flow of my essense... I wonder... where do I go from here... and where do go to start this change in me???
"As I learn more and more each and every day, the more I see how much I don't know" - Karlo V. Miranda -
Last Sunsday was a memorable day for the youths because we've just celebrated out 6th year AFC anniversary, praise God :) Its been so long since everybody was completely together (not since Christmas time or the Mission trip). The praise team was really good and the message was simply moving. I'm sooo happy that many of the youths are getting musically inclined, more praises to God... we've come so far from where we were back then... ivan even played the guitar while chrissy sang a special number. The girls did a interpretive dance of "testify to love"... even I had to sing a sp. number too while playing my guitar (which I had to start over coz I was just feeling jiggy the moment I started... but I thank God, the Spirit was there with me... and flowed into the congragation ;)... so, i guess i'm progressing with my guitar too :). its still compells me to comprehend how the youths ever did cramp all those fun and unforgettable memories all whithin the years that passed us by... we're so blessed...
But still the best was yet to come... the most special time was after most have gone home and only the youths remained... for a long time ben and karen wanted the youths to get together and just talk on what new with everyone... benny was even suggesting we all just meet at Hooters, and have our meeting there :)... too bad we've already ate and it very late... its was really fun cuz everyone is just goofing around at first and it took us a while before we actually get to share seriously... to most of the youths, its been a very long year of being detatched from the group and with stuggles in the roads they took, which lead to some tears falling and compensating... and my heart was deeply touched to the point of almost crying... but I felt somewhat off, maybe because a part of me has grown cold, its been so long since I've cried and I'm afraid I've almost forgotten how to :(... some of them are really suffering spiritually and in schooling (hearing these words came as a surprise for me esp. after hearing it from someone I thought was the strongest of us all, micah) to those who read this please pray for us all... by the end of the night we all prayed together... the spirit once again flowed to everyone... and at one time it became clear to me that "at our weakest hour we were strong in our faith in God... and I was at peace"... I understood why God gives us these obstacles in life... that life isn't fait but God is still good... and so, once again, we go our separate ways... but at that one point everything became clear, made sense and I felt close to everyone... quite memorable...
Deep Thoughts: The road of misdirection leads each individual to travel different paths all the days of our lives. Moving through page after page, all while blindly chasing what may be around the corner or the twist and turn that comes along life's narrow road. Still the future remains uncertain and though remaining pages may reach the end at some point in time, the future is still unwritten. Its pages still a blank slate. Perhaps that is one of the many blessings God made us so special. That God gave us the freedom to walk and choose where to go and how to get there. Ofcourse, God already knows everything from where we are today, tommorow, till our very last days and beyond. We must simply live by faith knowing tommorow may never come.
"...the final chapter. The story has just begun and now, the end of the book is near. Nearly to an end, it maybe written to a last sentence without knowing that it's over...Stories doesn't end without any ending at all but sometimes any ending can be misleading. You may know what direction a story is leading to but an ending could turn to unexpectation." ~ Rhoeben DelaCruz ~
All in all, I'm happy to say that I know now where I belong. For I've found my place in the world beside friends and loved ones. Two things will always remain certain: first is that the end will come someday but secondly God's love is everlasting to those who find it. It remains true that the blessings are to those who chose to follow Him now... If these were my final words, and my ink were to dry up, all I have to say is that I love each and everyone who's been part of my life more than everyone will know... but I love HIM more :)..."Live each day as a masterpiece... and whereever you are, be all there"
Once again, I'm back to my normal self. Back from my escape from this worldly plain I live in. Over the mountains and into the plains (or is it the flames???). Yet I find myself out-balanced in my persona and morality. I find myself confused and reaching the end of my rope. I look back and think if I ever did find that which I was praying for so dearly. That I may find God's manifest precense in the midst of fellowship with believers like me. Yet I find that a different lesson is waiting to reveal itself. Still I am blessed for the moments where wisdom was gained and light has sparked to shed the darkness I keep (athought not completely filtered out)... but now, the lesson is jaded as I have faded into grey... a day after, anger begets me where humor and peace had dwelled. I've seen a side of me that lurked within the shadows of my soul... as I have seen with those I thought I knew... and I didn't like what I saw... just what was the lesson ?... (goto: vol2)