| Summer Crossover Series 2003: Sharp Dressed Man By Kuzibah |
| A Buffy/Queer Eye for the Straight Guy (Tuesdays on Bravo) Crossover Disclaimer: Xander and other characters and situations particular to "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" are the property of Joss Whedon, Mutant Enemy, and other individuals and corporate bodies. The concept and format of �Queer Eye for the Straight Guy� are the property of Scout Productions and Bravo Network (a division of NBC). The Fab 5 belong to themselves, sugah. No copyright infringement is intended or implied. Introduction to "Sharp Dressed Man ": When Xander was last seen, he was headed out of the hole formerly known as Sunnydale with Buffy and the rest of the gang. �Queer Eye for the Straight Guy� is this Summer�s surprise cable hit. In each episode, a team of five gay men, all specialists in their particular fields, help a somewhat hapless straight man get his life organized and prepare for some big event. It airs Tuesday nights at 10 pm (ET) on the Bravo cable channel, and repeats various times throughout the week. Visit the official website here: Queer Eye Note: "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy", thus far, has been confining its "make-betters" to New York City and the immediate area, but for the purpose of this fic, we're going to assume they're filming for Season 2: Queer Eye Coast-to-Coast. Rating: PG Archive- Please email request. Feedback- Absolutely. *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [Int.- Fab 5 SUV. The boys are discussing this weeks subject. As they speak, b/w photos and graphics appear in split-screen.] Ted: Xander Harris, a construction supervisor. Twenty-two years old, five-eleven, two-hundred and five pounds. Here's his picture. Carson: What's with the Long John Silver look? Ted: Apparently he lost his eye in an accident last spring. Carson: I knew it. Construction work- very dangerous. Jai: I like it. It's sex-ay. Kyan: I definitely see potential here. Ted: He's only been living in this area a few months, he's just had his three-month review at his job and wants to invite his boss and his boss's wife over for dinner, along with a few other friends. Thom: Well, no pressure there. Carson: Don't we have another marriage proposal, instead? Something a little less stressful? How about a Presidential inauguration? Ted: He moved into his apartment with nothing, and his friends say the thrift shop vibe is really starting to bring them down. So, our mission is, get Xander, and his apartment, ready for a big dinner with the boss! [Opening Credits.] [Fab 5 parks in front of Xander's apartment building, and runs in at top speed. Cut to: inside Xander's apartment door. He answers it and the boys push their way in.] Carson: Hi, there. Your friends called us for an intervention. Thom: (surveying Xander's nearly empty living room) Wow. Those girls were not exaggerating. [Ted, in the kitchen, going through cabinets and fridge.] [Carson and Jai in the bedroom, going through the dresser.] Carson: Hmm, tighty-whiteys and sweat sox. It's like Hanes-o-Rama. Kyan: (going through Xander�s bathroom) This guy has no product at all� [Freeze-frame effect. Subtitles: Kyan. Grooming.] Kyan: �Even people in prison get shampoo. Carson: (pulling clothes out of Xander�s closet) Where did this guy shop? 1974? [Cut to Ted and Xander in the kitchen. Ted is pointing at a row of boxes in the cabinet.] Ted: I want to tell you something� [Freeze-frame effect. Subtitles: Ted. Food and Wine.] Ted: �five kinds of breakfast cereal does not constitute a balanced diet. Thom: (shouting from living room) I have a question� [Freeze-frame effect. Subtitles: Thom. Interior Design.] Thom: �are you hiding some more furniture somewhere? Jai: (noting a Craftsman tool chest in the corner of the living room) This is the biggest tool chest I�ve ever seen� [Freeze-frame effect. Subtitles: Jai. Culture.] Thom: (off-screen, doing �NYC� voice) He�s probably got a big tool, you know what I�m sayin�� [Jai laughs.] [Carson is holding up a particularly garish shirt as Xander looks on.] Carson: Normally, I�d say, don�t be afraid of a little color� [Freeze-frame effect. Subtitles: Carson. Fashion.] Carson: (tossing shirt aside) �be afraid. Be very afraid. [Thom and Xander in the living room/dining room. The walls are bare, there is a beige sofa, a dark green desk chair, a card table and folding chairs, and a TV on a milk crate. All are obviously secondhand. There is a shelf assembly of bricks and boards on one wall, with a few pictures propped on top, and a few stray videotapes and half-hearted odds-and-ends below. The craftsman tool chest is beside the sofa, and a wooden cable spool serves as an end table. A carved wooden chest, similar to the one made for Buffy, serves as a coffee table.] Thom: I understand you haven�t done any shopping for this apartment since you moved in, so nothing here is really giving me a sense of your style. What sort of things do you like. Xander: I actually like things that are very traditional. Old-fashioned� Thom: Classic styles? Xander: Yes. I don�t like things that are too� trendy. Thom: That�s good. (indicates chest) This piece, then, is a good example of the style you like, I�m guessing. [Xander nods.] Thom: Where did you get this? Xander: I made it. Thom: (impressed) Really? (pats Xander�s shoulder) We�ll talk later. Now, about the tool chest. Not a living room item, really. Xander: (smiling) Well, I know, but� Thom: We�ll put it in the bedroom. Impress the ladies. Xander: Or throw some doilies on it and pass it off as a buffet. Thom: (laughs, then�) No. [Cut to: Carson with a pile of Xander�s clothes on the floor of the closet.] Carson: Okay, I�d suggest burning everything, but there�s a big enough hole in the ozone layers as it is. Really, it�s like this closet is a time capsule, and you got trapped inside. I get that you like colors, but all things in moderation. And the cuts of some of these clothes are not flattering to your body type at all. I�m going to show you some clothes that will really accentuate and show off those manly muscles you get carrying bricks around, okay. Kyan: Come with me into the bathroom. [Kyan leads Xander in and shows him the near-empty medicine cabinet. Jai watches from the doorway.] Kyan: I have to ask. Why do you use to wash your hair? Xander: Um� soap? Kyan: (takes Xander�s hand and slaps the back of it) No, wrong answer. You will ruin your scalp that way. [Kyan reaches up and brushes Xander�s long hair back from his face. Xander flinches back.] Kyan: Do you wear your hair long to hide your eye-patch? Xander: Uh� Kyan: I�m giving you some tough love, now, Xander. You aren�t going to hide it. What you need to do is take the attitude, �this is who I am. I have an eye-patch. Take it or leave it.� Believe me, people will respect that. Jai: It�s true, you know. You can look at it as bad, or you can look at it as distinctive. You go out there with the idea that it�s distinctive, and others will see it that way, too. [Carson enters and pulls Xander out of the bathroom.] Carson: Alright, stop hogging him already. Time to go shopping. (pats Xander�s back) Ready to get fabulous, pumpkin? Jai: (following) Shotgun! *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [The white background interviews. Willow is first, her caption reads �Friend.�] Willow: I always thought Xander was good-looking. He just needs more self-confidence. [Dawn. �Friend�] Dawn: I wish he�d just go *buy* some furniture, instead of decorating in the construction site motif. [Unidentified Random Guy. �Co-Worker.�] URG: He�s so into his work. Even off the job, he�s working on his friends� places, or building something for someone. He needs to enjoy himself, you know? [Cut to: Xander, Carson, and Jai entering a men�s clothiers- �Zachary Brothers- Fine Clothing.�] Carson: (pulling out some jewel-tone button-down shirts) I think with your gold skin tones, you need to concentrate on cool, bold colors: greens and blues. Maybe some violet. Try these on. [Xander tries on different sporty and casual outfits: tailored trousers and shirts, jackets, etc. Jai and Carson approve and encourage.] [Cut to: Fast-forward of Thom applying a sponge-effect to the walls in Xander's living room in gold and brown, and a deep blue on the bedroom walls.] [Cut to: Xander, Carson, and Jai in a more casual "Gap" sort of store.] Carson: You wear jeans and t-shirts for work, but you can mix and match with some of the items we picked up earlier today for a casual look off the job. Maybe for going out or a casual dinner. [They try on different styles of jeans, Carson checks with Xander to get the style he likes. They also grab a nice faded denim jacket.] [Cut to: Xander, Carson, and Jai on the street. They meet up with Ted. Ted takes Xander to a market called "Penny's Produce."] Ted: I was thinking about your dinner tonight- you really can't go wrong with a pasta dish and a nice, fresh salad. Do you do any cooking? Xander: I try to. I have made pasta before. Ted: That's good. I'm thinking something with a very light cream sauce and sun-dried tomatoes. [Cut to: looking at vegetables.] Ted: The secret with raw vegetables and salad is: the fresher, the better. Don't prepare the salad until right before you serve it, if possible. [Freeze-frame effect. Caption- Don't peel fruits and vegetables until ready to serve for maximum freshness.] Ted: (picking up a "bagged salad") This stuff is terrible. No taste, and by the time you get it to the table, it's limp. [Cut to: Ted and Xander leaving the market with bags of food. Thom walks up.] Ted: I'm going to leave you to pick out some furniture, while I get back and work out what you're serving tonight. Thom: (taking Xander's arm) I'm taking you to a furniture shop called Cosette's. It has a lot of traditionally-styled wood furniture, very beautiful pieces that I think will conform to your sense of style, if that chest is any indication. Then we'll go over to a funky little kitchenware shop called Midnight to grab some plates and glassware. Xander: Sounds great. [Cut to: Xander and Thom trying out some sofas.] Thom: This distressed velvet is very "in" right now, but it has a nice, vintage feel, very warm, very inviting. How does it feel to you? Xander: I like it. It's comfortable. Thom: Xander, I have to ask. What happened to your furniture? Xander: (sighs) I used to live in a small town up north, with my fi- girlfriend. And... there was this earthquake. I lost everything, and she... she died. Thom: (shocked) Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. Xander: Thanks. But then I was helping friends re-settle, and I just... I didn't have it in me to spend a lot of time... starting again myself. Thom: Wow. I don't know what to say. Xander: (looking up) I�m dealing. That�s part of why I�m doing the whole dinner thing. Thom: Nothing like a little pressure, huh. Gives us all an edge. Xander: Sorry. Didn�t mean to lay the whole thing on you. Thom: No, I�m glad you did. It helps me understand where you are. (takes a cleansing breath) Okay, now back to the furniture. [Cut to: Fast-forward of Carson re-arranging Xander�s closet and assembling clothes.] [Cut to: Xander and Thom at Midnight, looking at brightly-colored dishes and blue glass stemware.] Thom: These dishes are fun and informal, and they�ll give your guests an idea of what to expect: more formal than paper plates, but not a super-fancy dinner. What colors do you like. Xander: I kind of like this green, or maybe, what is this? This kind of reddish-orange? Thom: The thing about this style is you don�t have to get everything the same color. You can coordinate and contrast. We could get green plates and coral soup bowls, for example. [Thom and Xander try out different combinations, laying them out on a table at the kitchenware shop, with different napkins and placemats to find a combination they like. Then they catch up with Kyan at Midge and Christie�s, a salon and day-spa. Kyan gets Xander right in the chair.] Kyan: (running his fingers through Xander�s hair and pulling it back from his face.) We really need something with a little more structure, and we definitely need a scalp conditioning treatment. Xander, I�m also going to have them do a brown sugar scrub and milk treatment for your hands. Working in construction, they�ll get callused, of course, but they shouldn�t be left to get as dry as they have. [The stylists get to work.] *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [More interviews.] Willow: Xander�s very old-fashioned, but in a good way. He wants the happy family and the house in the suburbs, I think because he didn�t have it growing up. Buffy: I think Xander works so hard because he likes what he does, and he�s so good at it. Andrew: Losing his girlfriend, it was so tragic. It was just like Peter Parker and Mary-Jane Watson, but in the comic, not the movie, where Spiderman couldn�t save her. But I think Xander has a lot to offer a partner, when he�s ready to start seeing people again. [Cut to: Xander looking very handsome with his new, shorter haircut, entering his apartment.] Xander: Oh, my God. This is incredible! [Pan, showing the before and after. The new living room has sponge-painted walls, looking like an old parchment in tones of gold and brown. There is a sofa and love seat in distressed rose-and-brown-patterned velvet. The softness of the fabric tempers the blocky-ness of the design, which looks like Volvo may have gone into the furniture business. Xander�s chest remains as a coffee table, and there are end tables in a matching finish. The lamps are white ironware with parchment-paper shades. There is a large print of T.C. Chiu�s Tuscan Vista over the sofa. The bricks and boards are still along one wall, but now the boards have been sanded and stained. The videos have been organized, and there are a bunch of books. The pictures have been nicely re-framed, also. A matching cabinet conceals the TV. The dining area has a lighter wood rectangular table and eight chairs.] Thom: This is the furniture you picked out, and I tried to match your chest. It�s such a beautiful piece I wanted to design the room around it. Xander: It looks great�. Ha! You kept the shelves, but you finished the wood. I wish I�d thought of that. Jai: I went to this great secondhand bookstore and picked up a bunch of hardbound classics for next to nothing. They really fit with the d�cor, and you also will enjoy reading them, over time. Thom: Let me show you the bedroom. [The bedroom is done in shades of blue and gray, with sheer curtains to the floor. The bed is a dark sleigh-bed with a pretty quilt and throw pillows in white. White pillar candles stand on the dresser opposite the bed. The tool chest is stashed in the closet (luckily it�s large.) A silver-framed black-and-white portrait of Anya, finished to look like a vintage photo, is on the bed-table, with a votive in a glass in front of it, and a single white rosebud in a vase beside.] Thom: I wanted this to be a little sanctuary for you. Someplace soothing, where the stress of the day can�t get to you. Xander: I love it. Thom: (quietly) Carson had the portrait done from a snapshot you had. Xander: It�s beautiful. [The other guys come in.] Carson: Alright, time to for our fashion show. We�ve dragged your wardrobe kicking and screaming into the new millennium. I�m happy to say the polyester did not survive. [Thom, Jai, Ted, and Kyan pile onto the bed to watch. Carson picks outfits for Xander to show them. There�s mixing and matching: linen trousers, shirts, jackets, different shoes, jeans, etc. They�re all casually stylish. They decide on the jeans, a maroon button-down, and a pair of leather sandals for the dinner. Kyan takes him into the bathroom.] Kyan: I got you some hair products from a really good company called Copper. This is shampoo. You use it to wash your hair. [Kyan explains how Xander should do his hair and shave. Ted takes him into the kitchen.] Ted: This is the very simple cream sauce I told you about. Heavy cream, butter, Parmesan cheese. Keep the heat low, and beat it with the whisk until it thickens, then mix in the sun-dried tomatoes and chopped Portobello mushrooms, mix it in with the al dente pasta. Keep the salad simple, and wait to chop up the lettuce until the pasta is cooking so it doesn�t sit that long. Got it? Xander: I think so. [They move back into the living room.] Jai: I know we�ve given you a lot to remember, once the party gets started, make sure everyone gets something to drink while you�re putting the dinner together, and introduce everyone by name. Don�t just announce, �hey, everybody, this is John.� Take him up to a person and say, �John, this is Mary.� Then try to suggest something they might like to talk about. �Mary and I went to High School together.� You want to put people at ease. Xander: Got it. Jai: You ready? You excited? Xander: I hope so. Jai: You�ll do great. [The Fabs make their goodbyes, and wish Xander luck.] *~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~* [The Fab 5, in their stylish loft, take their seats and watch as Xander begins to prepare for the evening. Xander showers, then begins shaving.] Kyan: Ooo, slow down, there, slugger. Carson: I�m afraid he�s gonna take out the other eye. [Xander begins applying hair product.] Kyan: Perfect. Back to front. Jai: I like his hair in this style. It makes him look more sophisticated. Ted: He�s kind of got this young Tom Cruise thing going, don�t you think? No? Okay, just me, then. Thom: I was thinking Colin Farrell. Carson: Johnny Depp, before he became a serious actor and got all grubby. Ted: Ah, yes. The Jump Street era. [Xander gets dressed in the outfit Carson picked.] Carson: Doesn�t he look fabulous? [Xander checks his hair in the bedroom mirror, running his fingers through again, then rolls up his sleeves.] Carson: He remembered the jzujing. [Xander stops at the bedside portrait of Anya, kisses his fingertips and touches it gently.] Fab 5: Awww� Carson: I�m tearing up. Hand me a tissue before I get all puffy. [Xander heads into the kitchen and sets the water to boil for the pasta, then brings out the lettuce head, and begins ripping it up into the salad bowl.] Ted: How soon are his guests arriving? I hope he�s not starting this too soon. [The doorbell rings, Xander wipes his wet hands on the front of his jeans. The Fabs groan in dismay. Xander answers the door; it�s Buffy and Dawn. They hug Xander in greeting, then push past to get a look at the apartment.] Buffy: Xander! This is just� Xander! I love this! I can�t believe this is your apartment. Dawn: (flopping into the love seat) You have real furniture! And what you did to the walls. Thom: *I* did to the walls. Xander: Look around. Go see the bedroom while I keep working on dinner. [Xander returns to the kitchen, puts the pasta into now-boiling water, continues to rip up lettuce.] Ted: I�m glad to see the lettuce was well timed. [Buffy and Dawn explore the bedroom. They bounce on the bed, and check out the closet.] Buffy: This is amazing. Look at these clothes. Dawn: I�m so glad they did this for him. Carson: It wasn�t all for him. It�s for everyone who looks at him, too. Kyan: That�s very generous. Carson: Well, I�m a giver. [Willow, Kennedy, and Giles arrive, followed by Xander�s boss, Patrick, and his wife, Beth. Xander introduces them as Jai suggested, and Beth and Giles begin chatting as Patrick talks to Dawn about school. Xander invites them all to the table and serves the pasta and salad.] Beth: Did you make this yourself? Xander: Yes. Do you like it? Beth: It�s delicious. Really good. [Fab 5 cheer.] Ted: The classics are the best. [Montage of everyone eating, drinking, chatting, laughing. Picture clicks off, and Ted stands up and raises his glass. The others stand, too.] Ted: I think we have another success. Kyan: The important thing was for Xander to be more confident, and I think we helped him find that confidence. Jai: He really seems to enjoy his friends� company. He�s lucky to have that. Thom: I think the boss�s wife really liked him, too. Carson: Which ought to help him at the six-month review. Ted: Here�s to Xander. Cheers. Fab 5: Cheers. [Hip Tips with the Fab 5: Shot like the interviews, against a plain, white background.] Kyan: This is not your father�s shaving foam. Try a shaving oil, instead. It�s less drying and helps condition your skin. And be sure to rinse your razor under hot water to get the oil off between strokes. Ted: Al dente means �to the teeth,� and it means cooking pasta so it�s firm to the bite, not completely soft. Follow package directions carefully, and taste test often, so you don�t overcook. Jai: The three essentials to any party: plenty to eat, plenty to drink, a place for everyone to sit. Cover those, and your guests can take care of the rest. Thom: A TV can be a big black hole that sucks all the life out of a room if you let it. Don�t make your TV the focus of a room. Make it only one of many items on a shelf unit, or, better yet, put it in a cabinet and close the doors when you aren�t actually watching. Carson: Color can really make a statement, but to preserve those bold hues, wash your clothes in cold, and turn them inside out before throwing them in the washing machine. [Closing credits.] Main Menu ~ Return to Crossover Menu |