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3/08/04 1:32PM Xanga
Forgot all about this thing: My Xanga site. Maybe I'll start using this for my journal instead. Easier to use. Yeah.....yeah.
10/18/04 6:54PM Note To Self
"The crucible for silver and the furnace for gold, but the LORD tests the heart." - Proverbs 17:3
When you honetly pray "Thy kingdom come, Thy will be done", He will purify your heart so that you know that your primary purpose---above all other purposes---is to enjoy Him. Just as the fire of the crucible burns away all the impurities from the silver, or just as the fires of the furnace dissolves the cheap metal from the gold, so will He actively remove the other things that you treasure in this life by physically taking them away or by allowing them to lose their luster. The crucible of Your heart is meant to burn with a pure passion for Christ alone. Unless You surrender all to Jesus, You will never know why you walk on this planet. If you seriously devote yourself to knowing God, more and more your true mission in this life will be revealed....And one day you'll realize that it's not all about you. It's all about Him........I have to preach to myself like this sometimes.
10/11/04 9:53AM Hit
Praises: Working at a new job that is more in line with my God-given dreams & goals. What I never mentioned here in this journal is that I want to get involved with movies somehow. I want international business to be a platform for movies, and movies to be a platform for missions. God has been opening doors in business and little doors in movies---opportunities for expression and furthering of God's kingdom. Lord, this is all Yours.
But this is not the main reason why I'm writing today......Superman (Christopher Reeve) died last Saturday at the age of 52. I was hit when I saw the msn.com news article. First Superman was paralyzed from the neck down....then he dies at 52. I guess the reason why I was hit so heavily is because I used to look up to this guy when I was in 3rd grade. I wanted to be just like Superman---the flying, the heroism, the adventure, the honor, the valor, etc.. Now that he is dead, I feel sad. I never even prayed for his soul. God, what are you trying to tell me? Pray for the movie stars---the people who look like they have it all. But without Christ, they have nothing. Jesus is the true Superman, isn't He?
05/13/04 5:07PM Strength
If the Lord is your strength, NOTHING can stand in your way. You will conquer. Joshua 1:9. Do not get caught up in the little things and minor setbacks. Stay focused on the goal.
02/19/04 10:19PM ...
Have you ever screamed so loudly without making a sound? Without opening your mouth? Without even changing your facial expression? My loudest screams are silent.
12/15/03 1:56AM Married for about 4.5 months
Married life is extremely hectic! Attacks on all sides. My mom got a stroke on Saturday. She is stable and ok. Cel and I are nomads cuz her allergies don't seem to agree with our condo. We might even move to California. And my job doesn't seem to agree with money (straight commish) so I'm searching yet again. And Cel doesn't seem to agree with working, so she doesn't want to work anymore. So where does that leave us? At the mercy of God. In love, yes, so in love, and the adventure continues.
Late at night, here sitting at my desk, I feel the familiar bittersweetness of life. I know there is no ultimate relief in this life. There is temporary relief until the next trial comes. It would do my soul some good to utilize these trials to toughen my skin----persevere and be faithful through hardship. Gotta be strong for my family. I mean GEEZ, I'm the head of the household! Oh my God! I am accountable to God! Lord, have mercy! Give me the strength to live well.
Oh, by the way: Saddam Hussein was finally captured yesterday by U.S. troops. YEAAAAH!!! Hooray for Bush!!! Down with the critics!!!
07/23/03 11:50AM Getting married in less than 2 weeks
Life is extremely hectic! Attacks on all sides. It's a great adventure. I love you, God.
04/06/03 4:23PM I Hate Computers
I hate computers. I hate them! The drawback of technology is that it creates more problems for you to deal with if it doesn't work. Father, please return my life to true simplicity. I hate computers.
03/28/03 12:23AM On the War
I back our president 100%. Before he made his decision, I was hoping he would get support by the U.N. security council. I didn't think it would have been a good idea to strain foreign relations. Well, it turns out that he at least got 35 countries to support his decision for war. So I back him. If we don't help the Iraqi people, who will? They can't even help themselves. What stinks is that innocents are suffering. Could this be avoided? I think it's improper for the Iraqi people to blame the coalition forces for the innocents that are suffering. It's Saddam who brought all this on the country. This war could have been avoided if he just cooperated in the first place. But he didn't, and somebody had to show him that he is not above the law. If there is no law, then sin runs rampant. Father, I just pray that somehow through all this, You would bring many people to Christ----soldiers, Iraqi officials, nationals, all kinds of people. Let many realize that this world is passing away and that the end is near. You are coming back soon. The signs are all there. Cause Your people to cry out to You. Draw us near, Lord!
03/28/03 12:00AM Expression
Because we are fallen beings, simplicity of expression in a way understandable to others is not easy. Only if you beat your body and make it your slave can you get near-perfect, near-free expression. Bruce Lee understood this, which is why he trained like a madman in the martial arts. What resulted were flawed works of art in his movies, but beyond the flaws you see a shy, angry, passionate person expressing himself in the best way he new how. Amidst the violence we saw his art. It is a shame that he wasn't a Christian---He surely would have expressed a more holy art. There's that saying, "Practice makes perfect." I would say that practice leads to near-perfection. What is this life worth if you do not express the art which God has created you to express? We are His workmanship, literally his poema (Greek)--Eph 2:10---created in Christ Jesus to do good works which He has prepared for us. The work of God is to believe (follow) Jesus. To follow Jesus you must first deny yourself and take up your cross. By your life (death) you will draw people to Jesus. Oh Lord, what art do you want to express through me? And whom will you draw to yourself through me?
03/27/03 11:48PM Precious Moments
There times in a love relationship where you take love for granted. You get used to seeing that person there, and you think that person will always be there. You just go through the motions of a relationsihp and forget to treasure the little things. Like sharing a meal together---sometimes sitting facing each other, or sometimes side-by-side. Like holding hands while taking a stroll together or just cruising in a car. Like the way the other person's voice sounds so sweet. Like the way that person's countenance looks when in deep thought. Like touching each other's soul while praying together. How can anyone take such things for granted? Easy. We are fallen beings who just don't see what's good right under our noses....like each other.....like God. Every moment is precious.
02/25/03 1:07AM
Moving along, moving along in the wedding plans....Why am I up so late writing on this thing? Here I was just reminiscing with an old friend about years past. I got all inspired to write, maybe even write some poetry again. But dude, I am so tired! uhhhhh, and I have to work tomorrow....uhhhh...What was I thinking? Ug..Well before I forget---I was reminded about the sweetness of expression when emotions flow from the heart to the page (screen)...in the midst of dramatic experiences...or just dramatic thoughts during regular everyday life. We were reading old poems---I got to share them with this friend who didn't even know that I was thinking of her at the time. It was very cool. God has a way of bringing things together like that. Thanks, Lord. Anyway, just as an update---I really like how my relationship with Celia has been getting stronger and deeper. I'm so excited to know her more and see those aspects of her that she may not even be aware of. There is a lot of beauty there---of course on the outside---but there is also this deep inner beauty that one can get a glimpse of by just talking to her or by just experiencing her friendship. There is a deeper, more profound beauty that I really want to see. I know that it is a product of God in her. It is a strength and mature beauty which has not fully developed yet. It's begun to develop, but just wait until it has really grown----ho! that will be a sight to see! I don't think I'll be able to contain my love!
12/26/02 6:00PM
I know that God wants us to be married. It's a comforting and scary thought. We've been seeing him provide for us in little and big ways as we prepare for that day---August 2, 2003. We want it to be a time where all those who come will experience the presence of God. We want our union to reflect the union between the Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We are inviting friends and family from different cultures, religions, and Christian denominations. God, let Your will be done and Your kingdom come!
10/30/02 11:45PM
How is trust rebuilt? Time.
10/15/02 3:07PM
Celia and I were officially engaged on October 12th, 2002. Praise the Lord.
10/8/02 1:53PM
And now she says "I don't want to be with any other person in the whole wide world". Sorry, but it will take more than words to rebuild trust between us. Remember---God's time. God's time. God's time. God's timing is perfect.
9/28/02 5:56PM
It's been about a month and a week since the breakup of a two year and eight month relationship. Somebody once told me not to count the days........
I wrote an interesting analysis about the progress of our relationship. Perhaps I shall add it to this journal. I also have journaled a few pieces of advice that I've received from friends and other wise people. I thank God for them. It's good to get different perspectives. Perhaps I shall add them to this journal as well. However, I do not want to expose too much of what has happened, because I know that she probably wouldn't appreciate that. Besides, "love covers over a multitude of sins".
The first month after the breakup was a living hell. John Donne spoke of his thoughts after a breakup as being darker than if all the stars in the sky would expire. I think I now know what he meant by that. But now with this 2nd month, I do see some light----the hope that God works for the good in all things. That light has been sustaining me. Although my heart is weak, He is the strength of my heart and my portion forever.
I think I'm looking at things more objectively. It did help a little to have lunch with her yesterday. At least I was able to get a better idea of where she's at in her mind and heart.
Do I sound healthy? wow. Yet everything I see and hear...and even attempted efforts of distraction...remind me of her. I really need to stop torturing myself in this way. Some say that I could do better than her (meaning find someone else better). But I never believed in shopping for people. As everything stands right now, after all that has been said, after what she has done to crush my heart into the ground....I still love her. Don't get me wrong---I am no martyr. I wasn't the perfect boyfriend who did everything to make her perfectly happy. But I do know this: I was committed. I was devoted. I was willing to work through struggles. I was willing to make the necessary changes so that our love would endure. She, however, was not. And that was the fatal truth which pierced my poor heart and cast me into this pit of agony. ...."I will fear no evil, for You are there with me"....
8/26/02 12:34PM
Famous words of a heartbroken lover:
"How could you do this to me?" --- Hikaru-chan (Orange Road)
"What was I to you?" --- Oh Cherin (Winter Love Song)
"So it's not me." --- Oh Cherin (Winter Love Song)
"Come back to me." --- Janet Jackson
"If love were a choice, who would choose such exquisite pain?" --- Tuptim (Anna And The King)
"Yujin...I'm sorry." --- Kang Joonsang (Winter Love Song)
So breaking up is hard to do. What if I will not accept it? What if every bone in my body says that this should not be? What if I have clear conviction from God that this is the person I should be with for the rest of my life? What do you do with that? My conviction says this: No matter what happens, we will end up together. I must walk by faith and not by sight.
But what shall I do for this heart that is all torn up inside? The slightest memory of her brings me to tears. When she glances at me, the clouds above gather around...as if to gang up on me and my unrequited love.
5/16/02 3:25PM
Dreams...What is my dream? International missions mobilization in Southeast Asia. Gathering enterprise business support around charitable activities focused on unreached people groups----not Christian per-se, but opening doors in those areas for the Gospel. Acts of love open doors.
12/21/01 3:46PM
"You do not have because you do not ask; and when you ask, you ask with impure motives." OW. Not asking your Father for help or even for daily needs is a sign of pride. I am a prideful man. It's so clear to me why it's so hard for people to accept Jesus as Lord. It's so much "easier" to be independent. What a horrible deception. HIS yoke is easy, HIS burden is light. Not asking is like saying to Him, "No thanks, I'm fine sitting here sinking in my garbage." Asking Him with impure motives is like saying, "Gimme this, but leave me alone afterwards." So what's it going to be?
12/18/01 12:14PM
Here at work...working. On hold with Nortel Networks, waiting for info on a router. A thought crosses my mind---"Where is God in my work?" I must consciously include Him in all my dealings. Apart from Him I can do nothing. He is the wellspring from which all good things flow. I cannot take His grace for granted.
12/3/01 10:24PM
Ever since high school I've had some kind of journal.
I hope to use this often. It's a good outlet to have when people
aren't around. I don't have anything special to say right now. The
good thing about having a journal is that you don't have to say
anything special for anybody. You just...say. Cool.