The Wandering Son and the Faithful Father
Being raised in a Catholic home, I went to church every Sunday and also to Sunday school.
All my life I've known about Jesus, but I never really knew what the true Gospel was about.
I knew that Christ died on the cross for our sins, but I didn't really know that I was a
sinner. I knew that I sinned---don't get me wrong---but I didn't think that I was that bad
of a guy. I actually thought I was pretty good compared to my friends as I grew up.
From childhood up to college, I prayed a lot. I prayed to Jesus, prayed to the Virgin Mary,
prayed to Saint Anthony, and I even prayed to my guardian angel. I had a fear of God and
Hell, and as I child I would often cry at night because I didn't want to go to Hell.
I believe my mother became a born-again believer in Christ when I was around 11 or 12 years
old. Her Christian co-workers at her school influenced her into studying the Bible and
praying often. She decided to remain a Catholic and became a faithful servant at her local
church. The reason why I mention this is because one day when I was in high school, after
a day of classes, I went into my mother's room. She was listening to Chuck Swindoll on the
radio. I listened for awhile and discovered that if I just believed in Jesus, I would go to
Heaven. I thought to myself, "Well hey---I believe in Jesus. I always have. So I guess
I'm going to Heaven!" I left that room in such a good mood. From that day on, I thought I
was a born-again Christian.
Deep in my heart I always knew that the Bible was the truth. I would read the book of Proverbs
once in awhile, and I'd also read the book of Revelation on every Good Friday. However,
Proverbs and Revelation were the only books of the Bible that I would read, because in the
back of my head I thought that if I would read more than just those two books, God would
expect me to live more of the Bible out. So I willingly chose ignorance. I struggled with
trying to understand God and resorted to imagining Him to be something that He wasn't. To me,
God was simply a shoulder to cry on, or someone who would give me the strength to fulfill my
own selfish dreams. Beyond this deceptive idea of mine, I had no clue. I was pretty clueless
up to my college years.
For college, I attended the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign. It was during my
freshman and sophomore years that my rebelliousness against my parents and my passion for
partying fully bloomed into life-dominating weeds. I partied almost everyday---dancing the
night away. I wasn't into drugs or drinking. DANCING was my drug. I coordinated dance
routines for parties and variety shows, and because of the high exposure, my popularity
increased. But after a typical night of partying with friends, I would always return to my
dorm room feeling empty and lonely inside---even suicidal. I felt like nobody understood me,
and nobody cared to try. For consolation, I tried to lean on my idea of God and continued
my usual bedtime prayers. I even tried reading a book called The Imitation of Christ, by
Thomas a Kempis, which served to convince me about the meaninglessness of life without God.
Wanting to keep an open mind about religion, I also dabbled in Zen Buddhism and Taoism. My
whole concept of God was so distorted. I lived a life not knowing who or what I was searching
for.
My seemingly endless and fruitless quest for meaning and truth took a positive turn during my
sophomore year when I attended a play called "Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames". The play
presented different situations which portrayed people's eternal destiny. In the play,
believers in Christ went to Heaven when they died, and unbelievers went to Hell when they
died. During most of the play, I watched without much emotion or interest because I felt like
I've heard it all before.
But there was one point at the end of the play that hit me. It was a re-enactment of Jesus'
journey to Calvary. The person playing Jesus carried a large cross---walking from the back
of the church all the way up to the altar in front. At that moment, these thoughts raced
through my head: "This is it Greg! This is what you've been searching for! You've tried to
avoid it all your life, but deep down inside you've ALWAYS known that Jesus is the only one
who can fill that empty, gaping hole inside of you!"
So when the pastor gave an altar call, asking those who wanted to trust Jesus Christ as their
Savior and Lord, I answered it. That was the evening of March 30, 1993.
After that night, I started attending
Covenant Fellowship Church, where God used Pastor Min
to make the Word of God come alive to me. Later on, God brought me to
Faith Alliance Bible Church where I continued to grow in knowledge of the Word.
I can't say that I was a very faithful disciple of Christ, because for one whole year after
making that public commitment to following Him, my heart was so divided. I had one foot in
the world and one foot in the church---trying to mix church, school, parties, a girlfriend,
and a distribution business all together---living my so-called Christian life on my own terms,
chasing my own selfish dreams. I aspired to become a full-time missionary who funded his own
missions organization. In the words of Keith Green, I was "like a foolish dreamer trying to
build a highway to the sky."
But as Keith's song continues, all my hopes came tumbling down along with other areas of my
life. Grades went down, my relationship with my parents worsened as they saw me recklessly
pursue my fantasies. I continued to stay in a very unhealthy relationship with a girl. None
of my friends knew me anymore. To them, I was a crazy fanatic who was brainwashed by money
and Bible bangers. To put it bluntly---my life was a big lie. All my delusions of grandeur
took precedence over a true, serious commitment to die to myself and follow Christ alone.
The long roller-coaster ride ended when I withdrew from school during the second semester of
my junior year. At that time, I met an old companion that I thought was long gone---Melancholy.
The familiar sadness and emptiness in my heart was there again.
The difference this time was that I found a new hope in Jesus. It was then, a little over a
year after publicly accepting Christ, that I finally realized how much of a sinner I was.
In my broken state, God graciously let me come back to U of I the following summer. I met a
really good friend who showed me what the love of Christ was about, and God brought a gentle
healing to my heart. I was that summer that decided to finally give up parties, the business
and my foolish dreams. Deeply moved by the passage in Acts 2:42-47, I devoted myself to the
church, doing as much as I could to serve. My grades improved, and God continued to give me
opportunities to serve His church. My love for His kingdom grew, as did a hunger for His Word
and for His presence. Eventually---after a lot of heartache and self-inflicted pain---I even
ended the unhealthy relationship that I was in. (Thank God that this girl is now a Christian,
despite my foolishness!)
The past 7 or so years of my Christian life haven't exactly been a bed of roses. I've had
my share of struggles, mistakes, triumphs, etc.. My faith hasn't---and isn't---always very
strong. Not even now. But one thing never changes: His unfailing love. As I hope you've
seen by this long, grueling journey of mine---from DAY ONE, God's faithfulness to me has
never changed. From childhood up to now, He has always somehow shown me that He loves me.
I constantly need His faithful reminders of His love, because I must admit---this boy falls
many many times! But time after time, fall after fall, He brings me to a place which I can
only describe once again with Keith Green's words: "Now I see that the answer was as easy
as just asking You in. And I am so sure I could never doubt Your gentle touch again. It's
like the power of the wind."
My friend, you can experience this power, too. Just ask Him in!!!
These days, I'm still trying to follow Jesus. It's hard when I depend on myself---EASY when
I take my eyes off of ME, and focus on Him. It's about being in love: Experience more and
more of Him...fall in love more and more with Him...then it's easy. When you're in love,
everything is easy. There's no such thing as sacrifice or burden---only pleasure and
privilege. My only part---keep a pure heart (Mt 5:8), seek Him with all my heart (Jer 29:13),
and seek His kingdom (Mt 6:33). Voila! Easy to say, but hard for a sinner like me! My
heart is always wandering. Oh, but I thank God, because he won't stop tugging at my heart.
He's tugging at your heart, too! Don't ignore Him!
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