> >.When the State President accuses whites of trying to discredit
Health > >Minister Zuma and she's already done a very adequate job
herself. >> > >.The post office stores letters instead of delivering
them. > > > >.The bank checks your great grandparents' credit
record before granting > >you a credit card. > > > >.The
bank issues you a credit card with a limit that you can't even buy >
>a plane ticket with. > > > >.You're pay cheque takes 14
days to clear. > > > >.You have to prove you don't need a loan
to get one > > > >.You see these intestine-stuffed-with-meat
packs on the shelves of > >supermarkets commonly known as Boerewors.
When you take them out of the > >pack, they're so long that they
can be laid along the Great > >Wall of China. Or you see people using
them to tow their cars. > > > >.You see it says non-South Africa
Burger in some of the ID books. (with > >chips?) > > > >.The
cost of *a* CD is more expensive than filling up your car. > > >
>.The telephone company of South Africa overcharges you without you
> >realizing it. > > > >.You dial a toll-free number
and nobody answers the phone. > > > >.There's only one person
aboard a double-decker bus during peak hours, > >namely the bus driver
himself. > > > >.You find out there's nothing to watch on TV
or it's broadcasting in 11 > >different official languages. >
> > >.The only "movie" on TV that night is being broadcast
in German, with > >Finnish subtitles, and an Italian Translation
on Radio 2000. (Obviously > >they are all official languages?) >
> > >.When 2 Afrikaans TV programs are separated by a Xhosa announcement
of > >the following Afrikaans program, and a Pedi ad. > > >
>.SABC 3 is SABC 2 after 18:30, only in KwaZulu-Natal, except on the
> >weekend. > > > >.The SABC advertises and shows highlights
of the program you just > >finished viewing. > > > >.If
you blink, you miss the weather forecast on TV. > > > >.When
a woman selling Mealies in the street can advertise on prime time >
>television. > >(I'm obviously in the wrong business) > >
> >.The main headline of the evening TV news is the opinion of an
> >unemployed squatter who spik inglish no good and calls on the
head of > >Anglo-American to resign or face the consequences. >
> > >.You realise after watching the news on TV that nothing happened
in the > >rest of the world. > > > >.When the SABC summons
you for non-payment of TV license fees - when you > >don't have a
television. > > > >.when people interpret the STOP sign as
a YIELD sign and a YIELD sign as > >something totally non-existent.
> > > >.There's kingklip on every restaurant menu. > >
> >.The waiter snatches your plate the instant your knife and fork
are > >parallel. > > > >.The guard dogs rush you at the
gate, wagging their tails and waiting to > >be petted. > >
> >.A Toyota Hilux bakkie costs as much as a Landrover. > >
> >.A pick-up truck is described as a "bakkie" even in
english. > > > >.Your insurance is higher than the repayments
on your car. > > > >.A Mini bus taxi passes you, just to stop
right in front of you. > > > >.When the road narrows, the guy
to the rear of you has right of way. > > > >.You see a traffic
circle even though the road is only 3 metres wide. > > > >.You
don't stop at a red rob.... traffic light, in case somebody hijacks >
>your car. > > > >.People talk about robots when they really
mean traffic lights. > > > >.You buy something that was damaged
in the shop, and they won't refund > >you. > > > >.Votes
have to be recounted until the right party wins. > > > >.A
shop clerk makes you feel as if he/she is doing you a favour by > >letting
you buy from their shop. > > > >.You save up for months to
buy a video machine for someone to steal. > > > >.You pay 3
times its worth for the above mentioned video machine. > > > >.You
consider it a good month if you only get mugged once. > > > >.When
Ruwandan refugees start leaving the country because the crime rate >
>is too high. > > > >.When the political parties spend time
and money worrying about crimes > >of the past and ignore the crimes
of the present. > > > >.When purse snatching becomes a national
sport. > > > >.When people start joking about the crime rate.
> > > >.The police ask you if they must follow up on the burglary
you've just > >reported. > > > >.Locally built cars cost
more than imported ones, and oh how quickly the > >price of locally
made cars drop, when imported ones become cheaper. > > > >.The
rand goes for a dive, and everything goes up, even old stock. > >
> >.When you paint your cars registrations number on the roof in
large > >letters. > > > >.The government has more opposition
from themselves, than from any > >opposition party. > > >
>.A minister is fired, and returns the government cell phone, but keeps
> >the G-number-plated BMW. > > > >.The currency takes
a dive, and the previous government gets the blame. > > > >.Students
from Vaal Driehoek Technikon demand that their debt is written > >off.....at
Pretoria Technikon. > > > >.A 45 year old engineer get replaced
by a 25 year old who cannot write > >his own name. > > >
>.If the employees DANCE in front of the building to show how unhappy
> >they are. > > > >.Half the city pays for the other
halves electricity and water supply. > > > >.When murderers
gets 2 year sentence's, and pirate tv viewers 6 month > >sentences.
> > > >.The prisoners strike! > > > >.Crime actually
DOES pay. > > > >.When you go to prison for murder, instead
of the death sentence, you > >get a nice box of condoms. > >
> >.People are allowed to reclaim land (For free) that's been bought
from > >their forefathers. > > > >.The government GIVES
you a house, and you complain. > > > >.To alleviate congestion
in post office queues, they bring in the > >innovative idea of selling
scratch cards. > > > >.You are expected to carry a drivers
license that doesn't fit into your > >wallet. > > > >.The
fact that there is an election and people are standing in line > >waiting
to vote is more important than the result of the election. > > >
>.The police advise you not to stop if they wave you down in the middle
> >of the night but rather speed past them and drive to your nearest
police > >station. > > > >.People would rather be killed
in their beds than live in some country > >where they would have
to make their beds themselves. > > > >.The most popular vehicle
is a 4x4 designed for driving in snow, (the > >reason for this may
be the vast amount of mid-summer snow that you see > >in all Christmas
decorations). > > > >.The most popular vehicle is an off-road
that people buy for the express > >purpose of driving to Sandton
City/Constantia Village /GreenAcres/The > >Waterfront to do their
grocery shopping. > > > >.You no longer request anything, you
"DIMAND" it. > > > >.You know what "vowlence"
is. > > > >.People are not embarrassed about watching Leon
Schuster movies, "Win > >and Spin" or "Suburban Bliss".
> > > >.People tell you that they wouldn't live anywhere else
because the > >weather is so kak over there. > > > >.Retail
stores go out of their way to be open at the times that are most > >inconvenient
to the majority of people (8:30 AM - 5:00 PM), and closed > >at the
times when most people are able to go shopping > >ie.after 5:00 PM)
> > > >.The few innovative stores that stay open late have
to close down > >through lack of business because the sheep, I mean
people, can't get it > >through their skulls that you CAN go shopping
at 10 PM (It h > >s been pointed out to me that this isnt the "You
Know You're in > >Australia..." list, but the sheep stays.)
> > > >.You buy a product with a 12-month guarantee (exhaust,
video, toaster, > >etc.) and the product expires after 12 months
and 3 seconds. > > > >.Locally purchased BMWs and Mercedes
have a sign on the dash saying 'Use > >indicators only in case of
extreme emergency' > > > >.There is more space between the
sole of your foot and the accelerator > >pedal than between your
rear bumper and the car behind you. > > > >.You attempt to
get onto a freeway via an on-ramp and the guy > >approaching on the
freeway deliberately speeds up to prevent you merging > >smoothly
with the traffic. > > > >.People would rather drive a flashy
car with HUGE repayments and MASSIVE > >insurance than live in a
decent house. > > > >.A solid white line in the middle of the
road means "You MUST pass the > >car in front of you now".
> > > >.People stop at green lights and race over red ones.
> > > >.The driver in front of you tests his new ABS brakes.
> > > >.The driver behind you doesn't have ABS brakes. >
> > >.When the best/fastest way to recover a stolen vehicle, is
to say that > >there were tourists in it. > > > >.People
speed up when they pull over to let you pass. > > > >.Whenever
theres a long traffic jam, some sod always drives down the > >hard
shoulder. > > > >.People towing Venter trailers think they're
on Kyalami racetrack rather > >than the freeway. > > > >.when
a stolen car is recovered( one of the few) by the police only to > >be
stolen/stripped at the police station. > > > >.Petrol takes
the biggest price jump in history, the banks increase > >their interest
rates by two percent, the Rand's value dives by 25%, but > >we are
told that; "we have just had the lowest inflation r > >te increase
in 24 years". > > > >.Your early morning train has been
canceled because the train doors have > >been stolen! > > >
>.You can't make a phone call because the cables have been stolen. >
> > >.When SOME people start thinking university is free to everyone
> > > >.When employers have to pay the employee's wages during
strikes and > >cannot lock them out. > > > >.When cops
are always able to spot you parking/driving illegally unless > >you
drive a taxi. > > > >.You can't even go on a business trip
oversea's without somebody asking > >knowingly: 'Oh, having a look
around, are you? > > > >.When *all* the Banks put up their
interest rates at *exactly* the same > >time, and feign innocence
to collusion charges. > > > >.When Vodacom and MTN have secret
price fixing meetings in UK, the > >journalists finding evidence
of these meetings get offered substantial > >amounts of money to
keep quiet about it. > > > >.When teachers don't get paid.
> > > >.When things don't get stolen, they get affirmatively
acquired. > > > >.When the government ram affirmative action
down our throats while > >wondering how the graduates & professionals
could be so unpatriotic as > >to want to emigrate. > > >
>.Sam Shilowa calls for a stayaway on his birthday. > > > >.When
in the same news report you hear "Abortion bill passed by > >parliament"
and "Mandela concerned about child-killer amnesty" > >
> >.You get Municipal workers striking against privatisation. >
> > >.Construction contractors are forced to dig a trench with
earth moving > >equipment, then fill it up again with soil so the
labourers can dig > >easily. > > > >.Striking miners
get fired on Friday and then return for work on Monday. > >(Only
to strike again , of course). > > > >. People who are scarred
for life in a medical operation receive much > >less in a law suit
than someone who was harassed at work. > > > >.The word Copyright
means it's right to copy. > > > >.All the shops belong to a
guy called Winkel. > >(Especially true in the Northern Suburbs )
> > > >.People miss watching Wimbledon, just to touch snow.
> > > >.When a man can turn himself in for murder, and be let
out immediately > >with no bail, and no investigation. > >
> >.When it's OK for an MP to call another a liar and does not need
to > >apologise... > >.because the President was the only one
who knew the truth!? (Bantu > >Holomisa vs Nelson Mandela) > >
> >.When a minister claims, publicly, that he does not support the
> >country's Rugby Team. > > > >.When the head of the
National Olympic Committee of SA, is not seen to > >be supporting
the countries olympic bid. > >(I suppose this country is still running
on Manuel oops...manual) > > > >.Students at certain universities
in Zululand, go on a rampage, > >destroying property, have the audacity
to go on national tv blaming it > >on the police! > > >
>.when there are almost as many PAGAD members in jail as Gangsters.
> > > >.Drug dealers are protected by the police. > >
> >.Drug dealers march to demand the right to sell drugs. > >
> >.All you hear is white folks complaining. > > > >.The
pharmacist can not understand your doctor's prescription, because >
>it is written in Spanish. > > > >.Four innocent bystanders
are gunned down outside a bank in a Main > >Street by would-be robbers
whose watches were running fast, because they > >had been stolen
from Taiwanese tourists the night before, > >nd had not been changed
to SA time. > > > >.The minister of Finance announces that
we are on track, and you realise > >that he meant the gravy train.
> > > >.Realise that Apartheid is not dead, it is under new
management. > > > >.That we used to have job preservation because
of white fears; now we > >have affirmative action because of white
fears. > > > >.The unions protest that privatisation is a "Total
Onslaught". > > > >.Mobs exercise their Democratic rights
to demonstrate, rob and pillage, > >rather than undemocratically
rob and pillage. > > > > > >.When Adoba Manabe (minister
of defence) said today in an interview that > >he was completely
mystified by the presence of an unlicensed AK 47 > >assault rifle,
and a 9mm pistol in his house, which police > >found while investigating
an alleged break-in. > > > >.When the SABC sends out letters
stating "After intensive investigation, > >we have decided that
you own a TV" and you don't! > > > >.You stop to assist
a police patrol van who seem lost and while > >following you to the
specific address they are seeking, they get lost > >again. > >
> >.A vice rector gets fired at one university, only to get nominated
for > >rector at another university. > > > >."The
pass, one pass all" system of education actually gets implemented
> >at universities. > > > >.Your qualification isn't
worth anything when you go looking for a job > >because you are the
wrong colour, and no-one gives a damn about > >standards of education
anyway. > > > >.You stop watching SABC because they keep plugging
their "Simunye - We > >are one" catchphrase. > >(Meanwhile
you are too scared to walk to the corner shop for fear of > >getting
mugged or driving to the supermarket for fear of getting > >hijacked.)
> > > >.When the SABC spends all _your_ tax money trying to
convince all > >_their_ viewers that they are actually American-Africans,
who should > >start wearing their caps backwards and use phrases
like "Cool" > >r "Dude". > > > >.Felicia
"I'm sooo subtle" Mabuza does her best to emulate Oprah Winfrey
but > >doesnt > >actually have a distinct thought in her head.
> >(As opposed to Oprah, who doesnt have anything in her head) >
> > >.You are subjected to viewing the "Black American Engineer
of the Year > >Awards" on SABC and consider starting the "South
African White Engineer > >of the Year Award" but then reconsider
as there are no > >hite South African Engineers left in the country.
> > > >.The English forget about their family tree going back
to the 1820 > >settlers and the royal family, and remember that their
second cousin was > >once a political exile. > > > >.It's
fashionable to have emigrated in the 1980s and returned in the > >1990s.
> > > >.People who refused to sing Die Stem now debate whether
they should > >learn it in the interests of reconciliation. >
> > >.Community Policing replaces "Troops out of the townships"
> > > >.No-one younger than 20 remembers teargas and people
who never actually > >experienced it start making it up to be trendy.
> > > >.People who were ridiculed for making claims about Third
Force > >activities now refrain from saying "told you so"
in the interests of > >reconciliation. > > > >.It is
revealed that the state probably assassinated the Swedish Prime > >Minister,
but the headlines focus on a former Transkei minister who > >accepted
a R50 000 bribe from Sol Kerzner.
