"Programming today is a race between software engineers striving to build bigger and better idiot-proof programs, and the Universe trying to produce bigger and better idiots. So far, the Universe is winning."
"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."
"Optimists believe we live in the best of all possible worlds. Pessimists fear this is true."
"If violence is not solving your problems you're just not using enough of it."
"Life is pleasant, death is peaceful. It's the transition that's the problem."
"Eagles may soar, but weasels are never sucked into jet engines."
"Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine."
"Reality is for people who lack imagination."
"The object of war is not to die for your country, but to make the other bastard die for his."
"That which does not kill you... only delays the inevitable."
"Friends don't let friends install drivers drunk."
"Always code as if the guy who ends up maintaining your code will be a violent psychopath who knows where you live."
"Alcohol and calculus don't mix. Never drink and derive."
"Guns don't kill people -- they just make it real easy."
"I didn't claw my way to the top of the food chain to eat vegetables."
"If Bill Gates had a dime for every time Windows crashed � Oh, wait a minute, he already does."
"Lord, grant me the patience to suffer fools, or, alternatively, a chainsaw."
"The day Microsoft makes something that doesn't suck is the day they start making vacuum cleaners."
"You can't make a person love you...you can only stalk them and hope for the best."
"Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life."
"There are very few problems that cannot be solved by orders ending with 'or die.' "
"Whoever said money can't buy happiness was obviously poor."
"Just because I'm paranoid, doesn't mean the world really isn't out to get me."
"Pessimists say the glass is half empty, optimists say its half full, engineers say the glass is twice as big as it needs to be."
"Procrastination: Hard work may often pay off in the long run, but being lazy always pays off right now."
"Friends come, and friends go, but enemies accumulate."
"A friend is someone you call to help you move. A real friend is someone you call to help you move a body."
"Of all the villians who have shouted, 'I will take over the world', only money has ever managed it."
"It's not the bullet with my name on it that worries me, it's the other million addressed 'To Whom It May Concern'."
"Man was not meant to live on doughnuts alone, that's why coffee was invented."
"Those who fail history are doomed to repeat it."
"That which does not kill me had better be able to run away damn fast."
"If violence wasn�t your last resort, you failed to resort to enough of it."
"There is no 'overkill'. There is only 'open fire' and 'I need to reload.'"
"I thoroughly disapprove of duels. If a man should challenge me, I would take him kindly and forgivingly by the hand and lead him to a quiet place and kill him."
"When only cops have guns, it's called a police state."
"With or without religion, you would have good people doing good things and evil people doing evil things. But for good people to do evil things, that takes religion."
"If it's worth killing, it's worth over killing."
"Never invite anything into your home that can't come in under it's own volition. This includes cops, social workers, and other vampires."
