Man, I sure do feel safer and safer each passing day. This is by far the best line of this article:
Tubb said Bush believes he was out only for a few seconds because when he awoke, his two dogs were sitting in the same position they were when he lost consciousness.
``But the dogs were looking at him funny,'' Fleischer said.
"He said he wanted to be nailed to a coconut tree," the man's mother said. "He had memorized the Bible and preaches with the pastors in our place.
Local radio and newspaper reports said the man had visualized his penis as a "cobra" drawing him toward women.
Uh dude, I'm no "expert" or anything but I'm pretty sure that the whole "penis slicing" thing falls into the "the devil made me do it" category. I'm not sure if God would really want to take credit for that act of sheer stupidity.
11.19.01-Fan-tastic- Hundreds of flights around the country were canceled or delayed.
Up to 10,000 travelers were hustled outside to surrounding streets and parking decks.
Dozens of planes heading to Atlanta were diverted to other airports.
Traffic on I-85 came to a virtual standstill.
Several hundred MARTA passengers on their way to the airport had to get off at the College Park station.
All because one man disappeared the wrong way down a Hartsfield International Airport escalator just before noon Friday. (source: www.ajc.com)
The thing that hurts me the most is that it had to be an overzealous UGA fan that shut down the entire airport and jeopardized international flights for several hours. Way to represent for the Bulldawg Nation, buddy. He looks so confused and upset in his mug shot as he still proudly sports his UGA teeshirt. As a student currently enrolled at the University, I can only pray that he isn't one of our "distinguished" alumni.
10.27.01- That ain't Angeldust- a good buddy of mine recently encountered some anthrax-related hysteria first hand while in Jacksonville,FL for the annual UGA v. UF football game. A man who had been standing in line for at least a half hour for a funnel cake finally recieved his doughy treat. Upon examining the normally delicious concoction of flour and oil, he came to the conclusion that the white powder sprinkled generously atop the pastry was the rare biological warfare weapon anthrax, and not its more common and less potent look-alike, Dixie Crystals brand powdered sugar. This man became so upset about this obvious threat on his life that he stormed from the stadium and did not return for the duration of the game.
The thing that hurts me the most about America's lost sense of security is that it seems to give morons the justification they need for voicing their their already paranoid and insane fears.
I don't really think that a one thousand dollar fine is really the answer to this man's problem. Anger management courses, maybe? I'm not entirely sure what he was attempting to prove by stealing first base, but his point would've surely been more effective had he taken the base bag home with him. For a thousand bucks he should at least get a damn souvenier.
6.23.01- Hardcore Evidence- A Stone Mountain man found a cell phone in the parking lot of the Ingles grocery store on Anniston Road. The man contacted Verizon Wireless and was told to take it to the nearest police precinct. The phone was placed in a sealed bag and placed in the evidence room at South Precinct.
It saddens me that the police actually have nothing more to do in my town than investigate lost cellphones. Why was it put in the evidence room? What is it evidence of? Could the owner of the phone be charged with some sort of crime? It's all so disturbing.
6.14.01- Oh, So Supportive- FRANKENMUTH, MICH. --Dana Colwell considers her bust-enhancing bra more than an uplifting experience. She's convinced it's a lifesaver. While cutting the grass, a 1 1/2-inch (3.8-centimeter) nail shot out from under Colwell's mower and punctured her right breast. Doctors say the injury would have been far worse had it not been for the padding in Colwell's 'liquid-curved' Maidenform bra.
"If I wouldn't have put the bra on, I probably would be dead," Colwell, 31, said. "I love that bra.
"When I got up to put my clothes on, I almost didn't wear the bra. But a higher power told me to put it on," she added.
The story surprised Maidenform.
"My first thought was that the bra was made to enhance a woman," said Manette Scheininger, senior vice president of marketing. "But I was thankful that it deflected the nail."
The company will send Colwell a replacement bra and a second complementary one.
A "higher power" told her to put her bra on before she goes outside? That woman definately had more issues than a nearly pierced nipple...
6.8.01-Thrifty Feet- "A 23 year old Tucker man was arrested for shoplifting at the Walmart store in Stone Mountain. He was observed changing a price sticker on a tube of Athlete's foot cream. He then went to pay for the item, which rang up a few dollars less than the original price of $8.87. He was arrested for shoplifting and transported to the Gwinnett County jail. "(Source:www.snellville.com) Aw, poor tag switchers. They are perhaps the most pathetic of the petty criminals. This guy is even in jail! He deserves it. What the hell brand of foot creme was he trying to buy for $8.87?? He could've just gotten the off brand version which is already a few dollars less and *gasp* LEGAL.
You would think after the first car she would've stopped, but I guess if you start something, you've gotta finish it.
4.02.01-Student Sets Own Hand On Fire-This occurance happened right down the hall from my good friend Mo, who described the individual as "a total moron". I must say that I heartily agree. You know that extreme boredom has set in when you begin entertaining the notion that setting yourself on fire would be pretty cool. But hey, who am I to judge? Everyone has hobbies: some people play sports,some people play instruments, and some psychos play with matches.
4.?.01-I feel pretty- "Officers responded to a suspicious vehicle parked in the construction area of the new nature trail at Bethesda Park. At first, no occupants could be seen, and so the police checked back periodically during the day. During one of the checks, officers noticed a male figure, and approached the car, asking him to step out. As the suspect exited the car, he was mostly naked, wearing only an assortment of straps, chains, women's high heel shoes, and artificial flowers. His genitalia were exposed and wrapped in chains. He was identified as Joe Brown Culpepper Jr., 42, of Clarkston. Culpepper admitted to police he was alone, and told them, "no I am not gay or anything I am just a pervert". He was arrested for Public Indecency, and taken to jail. During a search of his vehicle, officers found pornographic magazines, and a large bag containing miscellaneous sex objects, including straps and chains." (Source:www.snellville.com) -this occured in my hometown...I guess everyone now understands why I needed to get the hell out as soon as possible.
4.?.01-Just trying to turn a profit- "Indrawattie Chunnual, a 37 year old mother, was arrested for shoplifting a 6 pack of beer from the Kroger on Singleton Road. She told officers she stole the beer because she could sell each beer for two dollars to the Mexicans. She had concealed the beer in her purse, and attempted to leave the store without paying. Her two children were with her at the time of the theft, so they were released to a friend."(Source:www.snellville.com)- This is just awful. Sure, she was merely exercising good business sense in America's capitalist economy, but she was also doing it illegally...with her kids. I also have issue with the fact that she was selling beer to "the Mexicans". Call me "overly PC/bleeding heart liberal", but it's really horrible to gouge a bunch people that have already been abused when coming to this country, and to only refer to them as "the mexicans"- now that's just wrong man..
1.03.01-Player "Inelegable" to play in championship game- Who can forget the sad eyes of Florida State reciever Snoop Minnis as he watched his team shuck and jive on the football field while he could only watch from the sidelines. As he tearfully exclaimed in his press conference weeks before the game, he had "no idea" that he was failing every single class that he was enrolled in at his school, and he was just "so so sorry" that he could not participate in the Orange Bowl game. You'd think that someone who could make 63 catches,1340 yards, and 11 touchdowns worth of offense for his school could somehow find a way to post the minimum GPA requirements to be eligible for play. I normally would not sneer at the misfortune of a lovable but knuckleheaded guy like Snoop, but how the hell do you just not know that you are failing EVERY CLASS? It's just sad really...