>>Toddler's Rules of Ownership
>>>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>1. If I like it, it's mine.
>>>
>>>2. If it's in my hand, it's mine.
>>>
>>>3. If I can take it from you, it's mine.
>>>
>>>4. If I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
>>>
>>>5. If it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
>>>
>>>6. If I'm doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.
>>>
>>>7. If it looks just like mine, it's mine.
>>>
>>>8. If I think it's mine, it's mine.
>>>
>>>9. If it's yours and I steal it, it's mine.
>>>
>>>Whoops! These aren't a toddler's rules... They're just part of
>>>Microsoft's business plan.
>>>
>>>----------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>4) What The Hell is a Rainforest?
>>>---------------------------------------------------------------------
>>>
>>>Rainforest?! When the hell did it become the rainforest? When I was a
>>>little kid it was called the jungle, a place where it's dark and scary
>>>and snakes are crawling everywhere and there's large spiders that bite
>>>you and, if you don't find an antidote for its poison in five minutes,
>>>your heart will explode. Now it's the rainforest, a happy place of
>>>butterflies with smiling little elves running around.
>>>
>>>And when did swamps become wetlands? They used to be damp, muddy
>>>places you wanted to get rid of, and now they're beautiful habitats of
>>>endangered wildlife. Hell, they'll probably invent a euphemism for
>>>deserts soon, maybe the "dry land", and they'll halt industrial
>>>encroachment to save some stupid desert snail or kangaroo rat. Like
>>>deserts animals will ever do us any good; they're always out there in
>>>desert for pete's sake!
>>>
>>>First of all, I think we should nuke the stupid rainforest (that'll
>>>dry it up) so all those enviro-mental-cases will stop their high
>>>frequency whining about its gradual destruction. Second of all,
>>>well... I don't have a second of all, other than maybe making some big
>>>international summit on enviromentalism, maybe have France host it, so
>>>all the enviromentalists will gather in one place so we take 'em out
>>>with one nuke. See how many uses I can think of nuclear weapons, but
>>>we haven't even used any yet.
>>>
>>>Well back to the subject of "rainforests," what the hell do we need
>>>them for anyways? Did you say because there might be some undiscovered
>>>medical cures in its varied plant and animal life? Boy do I wish there
>>>was a way I could program this message so a lightning bolt could shoot
>>>out of the screen at you. If God decided to hide some cure to cancer
>>>way out in the middle of the stink'n jungle, then you can tell He
>>>doesn't like us very much so we don't stand much of a chance
>>>regardless.
>>>
>>>The other argument people seem to bring up before their idiocy thrusts
>>>me into a violent rage is that rainforests are "the lungs of the
>>>planet". Let me clue you in: we could agent orange all the
>>>rainforests, and we here in America would never know. We already have
>>>tons of trees and plants here to give us oxygen; hell, we got too many
>>>trees. They're actually a hazard; if you ever accidentally run off a
>>>road, you're likely to hit a tree.
>>>
>>>So if one of those little South American countries ends up destroying
>>>all their trees and then suffocating, well, screw them. We never
>>>needed them anyways. Actually that might be good for the economy
>>>because then we could sell them our excess oxygen. Think of the
>>>slogans we could have: "Oxygen Co.: Buy or die." So I guess now my
>>>nuking the rainforest idea not only will get the environmentalists to
>>>shut up, but it also has economic potential.
>>>
>>>They really should put me in charge of stuff like this. But wait, you
>>>can just do harsh things like that, the Earth is fragile! Hey, did I
>>>just hear a whine? The Earth is not fragile. Go outside, jump up and
>>>down as hard as you can, and the Earth will not fracture in two. The
>>>Earth is the complete opposite of fragile. It is a giant rock floating
>>>in space. Comets can ram into it at thousands of miles per hour and it
>>>will still survive. So burn down those forests, deep fry those
>>>endangered species, find the most fuel inefficient car you can, and
>>>let the nukes fall like rain drops, 'cause we know the earth will
>>>still be here long after so that we can exploit it for our own
>>>purposes; and, dammit, that's the American way.
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